Issue with 12 year old son

S.O.J.I.A. · Dec 14, 2016

quatona said:
Yeah right - everybody has sex with hookers and jumps off cliffs.

point being that if we're going to justify something with "everybody does it" we would be able to justify any action as long as enough people agree with it.

quatona · Dec 15, 2016

THE W said:
point being that if we're going to justify something with "everybody does it" we would be able to justify any action as long as enough people agree with it.

I do agree that appeals to majority are fallacious.
But firstly, nobody gave "everybody does it" as a sufficient and conclusive justification. They brought it up as a relevant fact.
Second, no, it doesn´t follow that if "everybody does it" were a justfication, "enough people agree with it" would be a justification.

So feel free to give your reasons why masturbation is wrong - but I would ask you to do this in a thread of its own. This thread is about a mother who seeks advice because she has problems talking with her son.

S.O.J.I.A. · Dec 15, 2016

sorry, I keep assuming people see Scripture as authoritative and not just a nice suggestion.

I'll leave you all be.

Stacymom2son · Dec 15, 2016

That's true but don't you think [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is alittle different than vomit, pee and poop.

quatona · Dec 15, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
That's true but don't you think [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is alittle different than vomit, pee and poop.

Do I understand you correctly: For you, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is more disgusting than vomit, pee or poop? (Again, please correct me if I misinterprete you).
No, personally I don´t feel that way. At all.
But my feelings are irrelevant here - it´s not me who wants your son to take my feelings into consideration, after all. It´s your feelings that are relevant for the problem you have in this situation.

On another note, I am focussed on the practical aspects of potential solutions. If you don´t want him to do it in the shower, where is a good private place for him to do it? Like: In many families closed doors are not strictly respected - this would mean his room isn´t such a place.
Also: I am assuming that, as a 12year old, he isn´t doing his laundry or any major cleaning job himself. So even when he is doing it in the most private place, his bed, you are going to be exposed to his [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] sooner or later (actually, this will be the case even if he wouldn´t touch).

Stacymom2son · Dec 15, 2016

Has any other mom come across their sons evidence and how did you handle it if you did ?

hedrick · Dec 15, 2016

FYI, according to Wikipedia, puberty starts in boys at 11 - 12. The age has been going down. So it's not surprising to start seeing signs in a 12 year old.

Stacymom2son · Dec 16, 2016

I'm asking if any other mothers came across this and how did communicate or didn't say anything

Dave-W · Dec 16, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
So let me guess this straight no one here ever masturbated.

I certainly did - a LOT - starting about age 12 also.

Everyone seems to be against it . God wants us to receive pleasure and if your single " yes single" why is it such a bad thing .

I am not against it at all. In fact, I am in general FOR it.

I'm a single mother looking for advice on to how to approach my son . Some reason , I'm just lost for words talking to my son about masturbating

I get that. I would have been at a loss talking to my daughters about it. While there are many similarities, male and female M are different in many ways. That is why i suggested finding an adult male relative to talk to him and express your concerns and sentiments.

Ada Lovelace · Dec 18, 2016

What a preteen or teenage boy does in the shower is his prerogative, and he is entitled to privacy. Unless there's a fear of a medical emergency, no one should enter the bathroom when it's in use. That doesn't equate to him being entitled to occupy the bathroom (especially if it's the only one for the whole family to use) or to waste water.

My cousin moved in with my family to finish high school, and was in the habit of taking obnoxiously long showers (45-60 minutes), sometimes twice a day. In comparison my brother who is the same age is in and out of there so fast it's surprising he even got wet. We live in California where there's been a historic drought, and he was wasting an incredible amount of water. He was staying in the guest bedroom that adjoined my room, and this meant that I was locked out of it the entire time. He claimed it was due to his OCD. However, the OCD seemed to be cured when the door knobs on the room he was using and the bathroom were replaced with ones that had locks.

I'd make a family rule that showers don't exceed 12 minutes, out of respect and consideration for the other members of the household and stewardship. Water is too precious of a resource to be indifferent about it. This would help prevent him feeling called out. And I'd make sure his bedroom door had a lock in good condition, and that he was given an appropriate level of privacy for his age.

Stacymom2son · Dec 19, 2016

I have an open door policy even it comes to the bedroom door and he took a long shower again yesterday and it really bothers me now knowing he COULD be doing this in the shower yet as a parent I'm failing because I can't come to terms talking to him about masturbation

Dave-W · Dec 19, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
I have an open door policy even it comes to the bedroom door

Not a good idea.

and it really bothers me now knowing he COULD be doing this in the shower

What EXACTLY about that bothers you? The fact that he has sexual desires and is dealing with them? You should give that some thought. He is a guy and will be doing that with some regularity until he gets married. (another decade at least)

as a parent I'm failing because I can't come to terms talking to him about masturbation

So deal with it. Either get up the nerve and talk, or find a male relative who can and will talk to him. BTW - you will have to still express your own feelings on this touchy (pun intentional) subject. Either to your son directly or thru this 3rd person.

Ada Lovelace · Dec 19, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
I have an open door policy even it comes to the bedroom door and he took a long shower again yesterday and it really bothers me now knowing he COULD be doing this in the shower yet as a parent I'm failing because I can't come to terms talking to him about masturbation

Do you adhere to your open door policy as well? If not, then why impose it on your son when he's old enough to be entitled to privacy? Unless there's some sort of impairment which necessitates extra care, I don't see why he must keep his door open at his age.

The issue with the long showers should be one of respect for other members of the household and for wasteful water consumption. The insistence on making masturbation the focus makes me leery. There's a lot of new members to this forum who've made threads about young boys masturbating. It's disturbing, to say the least. There was just one in the teen section written by someone claiming to be 16, and yet on his profile his age was listed as 28.

Cearbhall · Dec 19, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
I have an open door policy even it comes to the bedroom door and he took a long shower again yesterday and it really bothers me now knowing he COULD be doing this in the shower yet as a parent I'm failing because I can't come to terms talking to him about masturbation

You're going to have a very unhappy few years with him as a teenager if you make orgasming against the rules.

Stacymom2son · Dec 19, 2016

Im 38 and no im not here to joke around but I can see where your concern is but by far this isn't some perverted thread I started .

Dave-W · Dec 20, 2016

Stanfordella said:
The insistence on making masturbation the focus makes me leery.

That is why I asked to OP what her problem is. Is it "M" per se; is it it the "ick" factor of potentially encountering sperm; or what? I can think of a couple of other potential problems that I will not list as they are probably too over the top.

So far she has not answered that question.

There's a lot of new members to this forum who've made threads about young boys masturbating. It's disturbing, to say the least.

The anti-masturbation crowd will go to great lengths to get their point across.

Over in the Wesley folder I had a discussion with a UMC pastor who described how he divided bad teachings into several categories.** (see below)

The anti-M doctrine I would put into the "Dangerous" category as it can often end in young folk either leaving the faith altogether, or rendering themselves ineffective in their walk. There have even been extreme cases where the kids felt so rejected by God that they committed suicide.

Our Lord said you will know them by their fruits. And I have seen some really bad fruit from that teaching.

There was just one in the teen section written by someone claiming to be 16, and yet on his profile his age was listed as 28.

Did you report him?

** Here is the reference to the "bad doctrine" breakdown: (bolding mine)

RomansFiveEight said:
I am so frustrated when I hear this. There's wrong theology (contrary to the teachings of Christ and the will of God as best we know it), bad theology (usually borne of logical fallacies, bias, and a mixed bag of poor scriptural understandings and ignorance of Christian history, much of what's posted above fits here); and then there's dangerous theology. This statement falls in the later category. Because it can shatter someones faith.

Ada Lovelace · Dec 20, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
Im 38 and no im not here to joke around but I can see where your concern is but by far this isn't some perverted thread I started .

You're 38?

Stacymom2son · Dec 20, 2016

Yes I'm 38

Dave-W · Dec 21, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
Yes I'm 38

Hmmm. I have a daughter almost your age.

Ada Lovelace · Dec 21, 2016

Stacymom2son said:
Yes I'm 38

I asked because of the discrepancy between that age and what you've listed on your profile - 32. If it was just a year or two off I'd assume it was a typo, or that perhaps you used a slightly different birthday not to be dishonest about your age, but to protect your privacy. But if you were 38 you were born in the 1970s, and 32 in the 1980s, so it wouldn't just be making a mistake with one number, but two. That's a bit more unusual.

DaveW-Ohev said:
That is why I asked to OP what her problem is. Is it "M" per se; is it it the "ick" factor of potentially encountering sperm; or what? I can think of a couple of other potential problems that I will not list as they are probably too over the top.

So far she has not answered that question.

The anti-masturbation crowd will go to great lengths to get their point across.

Over in the Wesley folder I had a discussion with a UMC pastor who described how he divided bad teachings into several categories.** (see below)

The anti-M doctrine I would put into the "Dangerous" category as it can often end in young folk either leaving the faith altogether, or rendering themselves ineffective in their walk. There have even been extreme cases where the kids felt so rejected by God that they committed suicide.

Our Lord said you will know them by their fruits. And I have seen some really bad fruit from that teaching.

Did you report him?

** Here is the reference to the "bad doctrine" breakdown: (bolding mine)

Yes, I reported the person who said he was 16 but on his profile his age was 28, because I've noticed a pattern on this forum of new member + thread about boys masturbating + only staying in that thread + inconsistencies about their identity, which makes red flags go up. It's actually not anti-masturbation but this fetish or something for it, which is sickening when it's about kids. I'm more leery now after being exposed to the most vile and sickening images I've ever seen in my entire life through this section of CF when I was 16. Someone had posted a thread about this topic, and included a link to a site. I'd checked the person's profile before clicking on it and saw the same thread had been made in the Baptist section hours earlier and hadn't been deleted, so I thought it was safe to proceed. As soon as the site loaded and I saw what was there I wanted to take my brain and eyes out of my head and put them in the washing machine to scrub it out.

This thread is definitely far tamer and less alarming, which is why I went ahead and wrote the first post that I did. But an unease still drifted in.

Issue with 12 year old son

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