Is this gossip?

[NessofOnett05]

So I recently became a christian and one thing i always did was gossip and since becoming a christian I've tried to stop gossiping. My cousin and I like to make movies, and we usually spend a long time working on a script. We are working on a batman movie script and when I asked him how it was he said it was "okay." He sounded annoyed because earlier I had told him that his scripts tended to not connect. Like they would go from one scene to another without any rhyme or reason. I was pretty upset that he acted like his scripts are works of art, while mine were okay, but not that good. I can be kind of prideful at times and I'm trying to work on that too. But my cousin is definitely a prideful person. He thinks that only he has good ideas and if its not his idea he'll try to pull it off as his own. I usually talk about the things that he does that bothers me to my parents or my one friend who also knows my cousin. My question is this, is talking to them about what my cousin gossip even if I don't say stuff like "Yeah, he's an idiot" or "he's just annoying" I try not to talk about people like that or behind people's backs in general. But is it still gossip? and if not when does it become gossip?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

So I recently became a christian and one thing i always did was gossip and since becoming a christian I've tried to stop gossiping. My cousin and I like to make movies, and we usually spend a long time working on a script. We are working on a batman movie script and when I asked him how it was he said it was "okay." He sounded annoyed because earlier I had told him that his scripts tended to not connect. Like they would go from one scene to another without any rhyme or reason. I was pretty upset that he acted like his scripts are works of art, while mine were okay, but not that good. I can be kind of prideful at times and I'm trying to work on that too. But my cousin is definitely a prideful person. He thinks that only he has good ideas and if its not his idea he'll try to pull it off as his own. I usually talk about the things that he does that bothers me to my parents or my one friend who also knows my cousin. My question is this, is talking to them about what my cousin gossip even if I don't say stuff like "Yeah, he's an idiot" or "he's just annoying" I try not to talk about people like that or behind people's backs in general. But is it still gossip? and if not when does it become gossip?

There is a big difference between gossip and going to one's parents and trusted friends for help and advice. To say, "I need your help and advice because my cousin is doing such and such or saying such in such and I am upset about it. What can I do?" is not gossip at all. Going around to all and sundry bad mouthing him in revenge for putting you down is certainly gossip, but I really don't think you are doing that. Also, you have a right to evaluate his writing and to give your opinion, and if he is teachable, he should be able to accept constructive criticism about it without getting his nose out of joint.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Gossip has a lot to do with motivation.

If your heart find secret delight in the evil someone does, and/or you want to expose their evil, you want others to know what they are like, you want to tell others so they will take your side against the person, and so on ... its gossip.

If you need to ask guidance about a situation with another person, it is best to speak in general terms that doesn't reveal who it is. "Someone hurt me by putting down my ideas in favor of their own, and I felt really upset. Is that pride in me? What should I do?" is not gossiping. But if your parents are really close to the situation, be aware that it could tempt you to gossip, since they may know anyway.

Examine your feelings carefully. You should be wanting the best good for yourself, how to improve, how to forgive, and/or the best good for the other person, how to help them spiritually or how to act in love toward them. If that isn't your motive, then maybe you don't need to say it.

Even "venting" your feelings of frustration and wounded pride can be bad for you, just reinforcing the temptation to think you deserve better treatment and puffing up pride.

I'm NOT saying that Christians should be doormats. Quite the contrary, we recognize that we have the dignity of being made a person in the very image of God Himself and have worth beyond measure. But ... when our impulses tell us that we deserve something or have particular rights, and that impulse is offended, we must discern when the root cause is pride (which is most of the time these kinds of thoughts come up).

 

[Soyeong]

So I recently became a christian and one thing i always did was gossip and since becoming a christian I've tried to stop gossiping. My cousin and I like to make movies, and we usually spend a long time working on a script. We are working on a batman movie script and when I asked him how it was he said it was "okay." He sounded annoyed because earlier I had told him that his scripts tended to not connect. Like they would go from one scene to another without any rhyme or reason. I was pretty upset that he acted like his scripts are works of art, while mine were okay, but not that good. I can be kind of prideful at times and I'm trying to work on that too. But my cousin is definitely a prideful person. He thinks that only he has good ideas and if its not his idea he'll try to pull it off as his own. I usually talk about the things that he does that bothers me to my parents or my one friend who also knows my cousin. My question is this, is talking to them about what my cousin gossip even if I don't say stuff like "Yeah, he's an idiot" or "he's just annoying" I try not to talk about people like that or behind people's backs in general. But is it still gossip? and if not when does it become gossip?

Evil speech is anything that lowers the reputation of someone in the eyes of others, even if true, with the exception that they need to know in order to make an accurate judgment, such as with settling disputes, giving accurate advice, or to warn someone of potential danger. If you were not seeking advice, but we just expressing a negative opinion about your cousin's ability to write scripts to your parents, who don't need to know, then that is evil speech. Perhaps instead of talking about what your cousin is doing wrong, talk about what he is getting right. Or instead of just criticizing your cousin for writing disconnected scripts, help to show him how to do a better job of connecting his scriptus. However, the bottom line is that your cousin is family that you have to live with, so if writing scripts with your cousin is coming between your relationship with him and causing your parents to think less of him, then I think it would be far better to stop writing scripts with him and do something else together that you both enjoy doing.

 

[tryintogrow]

Here's the acid test... How do you feel after the conversation with your parents? Does it help to see your cousin in a better light? Do you feel more loving toward him? Does telling other people improve the situation? We confide in others to get advice and encouragement. If not, we're just talking to blow off steam.

 

[NessofOnett05]

It is frustrating because he doesn't understand that most people have feelings, he usually makes fun of people and gets in trouble for swearing at younger kids at his school. I forgot to mention that he is eleven, but I guess what bothers me is that he treats all his ideas like a sacred text. I've taken writing courses for two years, and have been using the things that I learned to add to my scripts. But he doesn't have that much experience in writing. I sometimes cringe when I read our scripts because they might have poor grammar structure and other times the lines are just corny, and that goes for both of our scripts, the ones that I write and the ones he writes. I try to take criticism in a positive manner, but it definitely is hard not to want to insult someone else's writing when they insult your writing. There are times when his scripts lack story and the lines are just random talk, but I make sure never to say anything like "this is terrible" I usually try to be positive and say "this is good, but try to add to the lines and make the story more clear." So how should I take criticism and not lash out at him and his scripts when he tells me that my scripts aren't that good?

 

[~Anastasia~]

It is frustrating because he doesn't understand that most people have feelings, he usually makes fun of people and gets in trouble for swearing at younger kids at his school. I forgot to mention that he is eleven, but I guess what bothers me is that he treats all his ideas like a sacred text. I've taken writing courses for two years, and have been using the things that I learned to add to my scripts. But he doesn't have that much experience in writing. I sometimes cringe when I read our scripts because they might have poor grammar structure and other times the lines are just corny, and that goes for both of our scripts, the ones that I write and the ones he writes. I try to take criticism in a positive manner, but it definitely is hard not to want to insult someone else's writing when they insult your writing. There are times when his scripts lack story and the lines are just random talk, but I make sure never to say anything like "this is terrible" I usually try to be positive and say "this is good, but try to add to the lines and make the story more clear." So how should I take criticism and not lash out at him and his scripts when he tells me that my scripts aren't that good?

He is eleven?

I wondered exactly what the situation was. Your profile says you are older but the dynamics sounded like you and your cousin are very much younger.

It's certainly a good thing to think of such things and to be aware and try to help others, and I don't mean to dismiss any efforts to improve yourselves only because you are young, but if he is that young, he really may need to grow up a bit before he can act in a more mature way.

I think it's ok, and a good idea, to give him general critiques on his writing. He might take it better and get less defensive if you say "they taught in writing class that it's a better idea to do xyz" - that kind of thing. If you come across that he sees you saying your writing is better and his is bad, it sounds like he is probably becoming defensive and seeing it all as a contest between you two. And if you played together a lot when you were younger, he may just still be stuck in that practice of playing and trying to win or be the best.

And these days we have this HUGE culture of raising kids by making them think everything they do is wonderful, so they don't feel badly about themselves. But sometimes (often) that goes too far, and so some kids need to learn the truth of things. He might be affected by all of this and not ready to learn to be more objective. He may still have people telling him things (how great everything he does is) so that he can't accept criticism yet. I'm just guessing about all this part, but it happens a lot.

If you are anywhere near his age - I really commend you for thinking about these things. It's good to start getting into a discipline of thinking about how we react to things, what that means for us spiritually, and how to think so that we can cooperate with God and begin to let Him shape us to be like Christ. Many people never take up that discipline, but I think it's VERY important. It is also one of the harder things you can do in your faith (maybe one reason why a lot of people never do it). So please, keep doing it! But don't be too hard on yourself and realize that it takes time to have our thoughts and feelings change to be like Christ. That is the real battle of being Christian. But it's the best thing you can do.

God be with you.