is this a valid reason to not accept a man's relationship proposal?

[InThePottersChamber]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

 

[By_the_Book]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

Technically you don't need any reason to turn down a marriage proposal. That said, you should pray about ALL of your decisions, and certainly if you don't have the peace of God about marrying someone you should not do it under any circumstances; you may well live to regret it if you did.

 

[Aldebaran]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

Consider whether or not the men you would be getting into a relationship with might actually have the same goals as you do, and could work alongside you rather than getting in the way.

 

[trophy33]

If you are planning to start a relationship/marriage being almost 40 years old, better prepare to either stay single or not too happy with the marital options that will be left for you.

Also, if medical science will not make some significant progress in this area, your natural biological ability to have a healthy pregnancy and children will be significantly lower than today.

Nothing is impossible, but its wiser to prepare for what is probable.

 

[Joined2krist]

I am older than you, still single by choice yet I am getting attention from younger men. As long as you live a godly life you will always be attractive even at 70+. It's the lifestyle of godliness that will always attract attention no matter your age. So let God guide you, do whatever He leads you to do and don't be afraid of obeying Him.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

This is tough but marriage is serious. I learned from the divorce i'm going through, my then wife had second thoughts when marrying due to another man she knew.

I know it's not the same but if you are having second thoughts about ANYTHING it is not fair to you or the man you are interested in to force something before you are ready. Be honest with yourself and don't do something because other people say to, do it because you're ready. Because as a Christian once you're married that's a life long commitment and you should be as sure as you can be before taking such a serious step.

I wish my wife had been more honest with me and sure about her decision. I would have avoided a divorce and the hurt she's caused me. It affects someone else as well as yourself if you get married before you feel ready.

 

[public hermit]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

You're young. Get your PhD, if that's really what you want, work on your goals because you have time. Relationships can be nice, but they're also difficult and time consuming. If you're not ready for that, it will be even more difficult. In ten years you'll be 36 and have a better handle on what you want at that point. Perhaps you'll be established and ready, perhaps not.

Having said all that, be sure you know what you're getting into pursuing a PhD. It's very hard to get tenure, and adjunct wages are starvation wages. Be sure the field you go into has room and you're able to be competitive. If you take that route, it's best to be single. Also, be sure to have a plan B. Too many spend their time pursuing a terminal degree and have no other skills on which to fall back. Keep your quiver full.

ETA: You're young so you may not hear what I'm about to say. The things of value in life are not bought, they're not tied to credentials, and they have nothing to do with those by whom you're known. You might have to pursue your dreams to realize that what matters was already there, but you don't have to. Seek the transcendentals in the depths of your own heart, i.e., what is good, beautiful, and true, and the rest will fall in to place. If you can't find those in your own heart, then get a PhD.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

It is a matter of priorities. People make choices.

 

[Unqualified]

Those are good reasons @InThePottersChamber . Do a list of pros and cons and see what you think.

 

[Soyeong]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

Hello,

Men tend to place a much higher value on a woman's youth and fertility than on her career. Husbands tend to prefer to work while their wife stays home to raise their children, so her progress in her career is not as important. Wives can also grow to resent their husbands if they work a job while their husband stays home even if it makes more sense for her to do that because she has a job that pays more. If you make it to the upper class, then it is likely that you are going to want to find a husband who is in the upper class who can support the lifestyle that you are used to, which is a small percentage of men that many women are competing for. These men have many women to select from and again tend to value a women's youth. Men also tend to look for women who are younger than him while women tend to look for a man who is older than her, so a woman in her 20's might have men in their 20's, 30's, or older who are interested in her, but a woman in her 30's is approaching an age where it is harder for her to give birth and is competing with other women in their 20's for men who tend to value youth. There are many women in their 30's who are deciding that they want to settle down, but who are finding it difficult to find a husband because the attention that they were getting in their 20's from men is drying up.

I'm speaking in generalities, so there are certainly people who are exceptions to this. Women tend to find raising a family to be more fulfilling than having a successful career and are willing to leave a successful career in order to start a family, but there are also women who want to focus on having a successful career while having no desire to raise a family, so there is nothing wrong with women choosing to prioritize a career over raising a family, though there are pros and cons for each, so these are just some things for you to consider.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

Hello,

Men tend to place a much higher value on a woman's youth and fertility than on her career. Husbands tend to prefer to work while their wife stays home to raise their children, so her progress in her career is not as important. Wives can also grow to resent their husbands if they work a job while their husband stays home even if it makes more sense for her to do that because she has a job that pays more. If you make it to the upper class, then it is likely that you are going to want to find a husband who is in the upper class who can support the lifestyle that you are used to, which is a small percentage of men that many women are competing for. These men have many women to select from and again tend to value a women's youth. Men also tend to look for women who are younger than him while women tend to look for a man who is older than her, so a woman in her 20's might have men in their 20's, 30's, or older who are interested in her, but a woman in her 30's is approaching an age where it is harder for her to give birth and is competing with other women in their 20's for men who tend to value youth. There are many women in their 30's who are deciding that they want to settle down, but who are finding it difficult to find a husband because the attention that they were getting in their 20's from men is drying up.

I'm speaking in generalities, so there are certainly people who are exceptions to this. Women tend to find raising a family to be more fulfilling than having a successful career and are willing to leave a successful career in order to start a family, but there are also women who want to focus on having a successful career while having no desire to raise a family, so there is nothing wrong with women choosing to prioritize a career over raising a family, though there are pros and cons for each, so these are just some things for you to consider.

i really hope you wouldn't make such generalisations. i am ok with no children, i am happy to adopt. Also very obviously you are a man, so please don't speak for women. I know you may have good intentions, but the idea that women naturally want to 'give up' their careers because of their biology is just not true, please educate yourself before spouting such misogynistic, sexist crap. you're an asian so of course you would believe this s hiton of misinformation. i would never marry an asian man. always had bad experiences with them. i am actually currently in an environment where most people are younger than me. I get a LOT of attention from both sexes, if you must know. I am attractive and i know it, and judging from my mother's looks i will only get more attractive with age. i don't like to say i am attractive, but your 'answer' is so sexist and SO uneducated, it made me vomit after each paragraph.

i don't have time, and i just cannot handle a serious relationship right now.

 

[InThePottersChamber]

Those are good reasons @InThePottersChamber . Do a list of pros and cons and see what you think.

thank you so much @Unqualified ! So happy to see you again, we chatted a little if you can remember. I will list down the pros and cons, very good idea! Have a wonderful day ahead

 

[InThePottersChamber]

It is a matter of priorities. People make choices.

thank you, very good thing to point out. I always focus on the details i forget to see the big picture

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I am 26 this year, a woman, and i'm busy. I want to do get my phd and there are discoveries and contributions i want to make in my academic field, also, i am working towards owning a bentley or a lambo. i am upper middle class and i aim to be in the upper classes, or at least i want to be known in my field of study, i want to accomplish something. i think i could make progress in less than a decade, then i will be ready for a relationship.

throughout the years, i have met many men (at least 2 new men each year) who show interest in me, and whom i have been, too, interested in. i admit it, i want a relationship. i am emotionally ready, but i will not have time for one. i have much to do, much to study, not to mention i am not firm in God's word yet. How will i be able to provide spiritual protection and guidance for my spouse and children? Besides that , i just have no time, it's true in less than 10 years i may not have accomplished everything yet but i will have accomplished what i have to in order to be available for a significant other.

My upbringing makes me feel like i'm doing the wrong thing, when i share this with people they like to say "oh, you should build a life together" well i don't have time! i don't want to condemn someone to a relationship that they thought would fulfil them but it wouldnt! And i would be distracted too, from my goals, do you think my reasons for avoiding relationships are valid?

Also they must be the wrong men right ? When the right one comes i will be ready.

To me it sounds you're too busy gathering treasure on this Earth; you sound very materialistic to me; are you really sure your goals are God-given and/or God-condoned? A Bentley or a Lamborghini? Are you serious; To me it almost sounds like a joke hearing that from a Christian. I don't mean to offend, but your words come across like you're very busy to become rich so you don't have time to start a relationship or family.

 

[RDKirk]

I am older than you, still single by choice yet I am getting attention from younger men. As long as you live a godly life you will always be attractive even at 70+. It's the lifestyle of godliness that will always attract attention no matter your age. So let God guide you, do whatever He leads you to do and don't be afraid of obeying Him.

Does "getting attention" equal "proposing marriage?"

 

[RDKirk]

i really hope you wouldn't make such generalisations. i am ok with no children, i am happy to adopt. Also very obviously you are a man, so please don't speak for women. I know you may have good intentions, but the idea that women naturally want to 'give up' their careers because of their biology is just not true, please educate yourself before spouting such misogynistic, sexist crap. you're an asian so of course you would believe this s hiton of misinformation. i would never marry an asian man. always had bad experiences with them. i am actually currently in an environment where most people are younger than me. I get a LOT of attention from both sexes, if you must know. I am attractive and i know it, and judging from my mother's looks i will only get more attractive with age. i don't like to say i am attractive, but your 'answer' is so sexist and SO uneducated, it made me vomit after each paragraph.

i don't have time, and i just cannot handle a serious relationship right now.

You're right that Soyeong can't and should not be speaking to you about what a woman does or should be looking for.

That doesn't mean Soyeong is wrong about what a man does or looks for...and that's the part that should be of interest to you.

Believe what men tell you about what men are looking for.

A man who has made the upper-middle class or higher doesn't care about how much you earn, what level of degree you hold, or how many trinkets you own because that money and those trinkets won't be available to him. He may care that you don't come into the relationship extreme debt, but that only means you're a functional adult. In contrast, that upper-middle class or higher male would be happy to marry an upper-middle-class woman right out of her upper-middle class parents' house...if she can bring peace and grace into his home.

A man is hoping a wife brings three things into his home: Peace, grace, and progeny. If he already has children, he may forgo the progeny in a second marriage, but the peace and grace will be non-negotiables for a long marriage.

I do notice that you keep using the secular-speak term "relationship" rather than marriage. Is it a presumption that you're not actually looking for a marriage?

 

[Joined2krist]

Does "getting attention" equal "proposing marriage?"

Who said it was?. My point is this; she should never base her decision on fear of not getting a husband or having children. There will always be men and she can adopt if she likes. I know many men don't like to admit it but a woman is a woman. She has what men want and so she will always be attractive to someone, if that is what she wants. God bless u

 

[RDKirk]

Who said it was?. My point is this; she should never base her decision on fear of not getting a husband or having children. There will always be men and she can adopt if she likes. I know many men don't like to admit it but a woman is a woman. She has what men want and so she will always be attractive to someone, if that is what she wants. God bless u

Yes, "she has what men want and so she will always be attractive to someone."

But if we are speaking as Christians and intend to live in Godliness, it makes a difference what kind of "relationship" we're talking about.

 

[Joined2krist]

Yes, "she has what men want and so she will always be attractive to someone."

But if we are speaking as Christians and intend to live in Godliness, it makes a difference what kind of "relationship" we're talking about.

I agree.

 

[Soyeong]

i really hope you wouldn't make such generalisations. i am ok with no children, i am happy to adopt. Also very obviously you are a man, so please don't speak for women. I know you may have good intentions, but the idea that women naturally want to 'give up' their careers because of their biology is just not true, please educate yourself before spouting such misogynistic, sexist crap. you're an asian so of course you would believe this s hiton of misinformation. i would never marry an asian man. always had bad experiences with them. i am actually currently in an environment where most people are younger than me. I get a LOT of attention from both sexes, if you must know. I am attractive and i know it, and judging from my mother's looks i will only get more attractive with age. i don't like to say i am attractive, but your 'answer' is so sexist and SO uneducated, it made me vomit after each paragraph.

i don't have time, and i just cannot handle a serious relationship right now.

I'm sorry, I did not intend to cause you to react negatively, though I do not think that what I said was sexist or misogynistic. If something is true or false, then it is true or false regardless of whether it is said by a man or woman or regardless of whether the person who said it is sexist or misogynistic. It is not sexist of misogynistic to note that men who are looking married tend to want to have children and therefore tend to place a high value on the fertility of the woman they looking to get married to. Some men and women are ok with having no children or are happy to adopt, and that is their prerogative, but the desire to have their own children is a strong motivation for why most men and women are looking to get married. As women age, they tend to become less fertile and their pregnancies tend to become higher risk, so this naturally leads to men who are interested in raising their own family to tend to have a preference for women who are in their 20's rather than their 30's, and there is nothing sexist or misogynistic about recognizing this.

I did not say that women naturally want to give up their careers, but there are many women in their 30's who do recognize that their widow for bearing children is growing short and choose to give up their careers because they want to focus on starting a family. This is one of the reasons those who are the most advanced in their careers tend to be men, though again there are exceptions to this. Women tend not to get married to someone who is of a lower economic status whereas that is more common for men to do that, and again there is nothing sexist of misogynistic about recognizing this reality.

I'm not Asian.

It is again generally true that women tend to get a lot more attention in their 20's than in their 30's, though there are exceptions. Beauty tends to fade as people get older, but there are exceptions. There are many beautiful women in their late 30's or older, though the people who are interested in them tend not to be as interested them for the purpose of getting married. I married a woman in her 30's who I am interested in raising a family with, so I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but that it is less likely to happen.

On the other hand, men in their early 20's tend not to get a lot attention compared with women in part because they are just starting of their life as a young adult and are competing with men in their 30's who might be established in their careers and own a house. So in general, I'd recommend for men in their 20's to focus first on becoming establish in their careers and then focus on finding a wife after they hit 30 when they are going to have a lot easier time finding someone, though there are of course exceptions to this.

I'm not making judgements about whether this is good or bad, but I'm saying that this is the reality of the way that things tend to be. Things can happen that change our priorities and we can make time for something if it is a high enough priority. If you want your career to have a higher priority, then that is your prerogative. You might have no difficulty finding someone to get married to 10 years from now, though there is also the chance that you might find it a lot harder than you think, so in generally I'd recommend for women who want to have a family to try to get married in their 20's.