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Then use the ESV or the RSV. There is no King James/NIV dichotomy. The NIV is a foul translation, you don't need to use it just because you don't want to use the King James Bible.
The reason it doesn't "make sense" is mainly because the education system is abysmal. We should be able to understand Shakespeare, which means the King James Bible ought to be a breeze (since it uses a much, much smaller vocabulary than Shakespeare, and is in parataxis style as opposed Shakespeare's syntaxis). Also note that the King James Bible didn't shy away from using idioms that are purely Biblical, such as "he knew her" (sex), and "seed" (for descendants). People did not talk like that in everyday speech in the early 17th Century, but the King James Bible didn't change these idioms to pander. This was back when most people had zero education outside their trade, they commonly didn't even know how to read, they heard the Bible being read by the preacher or by a member of their family could read. They didn't find these idioms a stumbling block; to understand them, you either asked, or you studied the Bible harder--and guess what, if you asked those people, even the uneducated ones, if the Bible should be less literally translated to make it easier, do you think they would agree? No, they held the Bible as sacred.
The Bible is not meant to be baroque (and in fact this translation, though during the Baroque period, completely forgoes Baroque period prose to follow Biblical style); on the other hand, it's not meant to be Fun with Dick and Jane. The Bible is simple, yet sophisticated, it includes a lot of literary devices and wordplay, these aren't frills, they are conveying a worldview, a way of looking at things. While simplifying the Bible is tempting so it can "reach a wider audience", we must keep in mind that the Bible is not a magazine for an airport, it is not meant to be readily comprehended, it is meant to be studied extensively and for your understanding to grow with the study. If you don't even have the patience to study the Bible enough to understand Early Modern English (which plenty of fairly uneducated Christians do, since it is not another language, it's just a variant of modern English), then it's unlikely you have the patience and concentration to study the Bible as deeply as it is intended to be studied.
I totally disagree with you. Talk to most people who have tried reading the KJV and they will tell you that they don't read it because it is full of archaic language that they don't understand. The Bible was meant to be understood; there is no education or tenacity involved. If it's not understood by those who try to read it, it doesn't serve the purpose that God intended.
The NIV is the largest-selling Bible in history -- for good reason. (Although you wrongly assume that it's my preferred translation) It was developed by an excellent team of scholars and refined several times, so I dismiss your unsubstantiated "foul translation" comment (which clearly shows your lack of objectivity). You can continue to dwell in your "works" attitude to reading and understanding God's word, although it has no biblical or historical basis.
BTW, why don't you write and speak using KJV language if it's so desirable? Try it and see people's reaction!
I won't discuss the issue any further.
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