• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

    If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.

    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

Is rejection deserved?

Ben Collyer

Well-Known Member
Apr 26, 2017
508
256
32
Hastings
✟35,657.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Hi all, Just wondering about this.

if a young person with autism is rejected/shunned/discluded. due to their lack of social skills or inability to initiate friendship, is the rejection deserved?

how can someone with autism seek to be healed from the wounds of rejection when their rejection was warranted because of their condition?
 

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Was the young person told not to come to something or was he just not invited? Not being invited does not necessarily mean being rejected though it can feel that way. The world isn't about getting what we deserve or else we would all be doomed to hell. Someone else could say that you "choose" not to be included because you don't work on your social skills or don't initiate friendship (and yes, autistic people can initiate friendships...anyone with a voice can say "hi, how are you doing?")

That said, yes, social activities are harder if you are autistic ... no different than playing basketball is harder if you are confined to a wheelchair. It isn't impossible but you have to try harder and may have to find a different way of doing it.

How do you heal from rejection? You forgive...just like God forgives you when you sin. It is the same if you deserve the rejection or don't. Rejection is a daily part of all our lives. We all experience it in different ways. I would suggest that you consider joining a social group that revolves around one of your interests so the love of the subject helps bridge the gap of the social difficulties and/or get some help with improving your social skills.

((hugs)) I do understand that it hurts to not be included and I am sorry that you are feeling this way right now.
 
Upvote 0

Ben Collyer

Well-Known Member
Apr 26, 2017
508
256
32
Hastings
✟35,657.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
(and yes, autistic people can initiate friendships...anyone with a voice can say "hi, how are you doing?")
.

Yes, true, but what if the young child is not even aware of basic social skills such as greeting and asking questions? nor were they taught them due to not being diagnosed until an adult.

is the rejection deserved then?
 
Upvote 0

Tom 1

Optimistic sceptic
Supporter
Nov 13, 2017
12,212
12,526
Tarnaveni
✟818,769.00
Country
Romania
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Hi all, Just wondering about this.

if a young person with autism is rejected/shunned/discluded. due to their lack of social skills or inability to initiate friendship, is the rejection deserved?

how can someone with autism seek to be healed from the wounds of rejection when their rejection was warranted because of their condition?

Most people (including me) sometimes find it difficult, awkward or confusing to interact with someone whose behaviour is challenging or radically different in some way. If there is a family or other close personal relationship involved then people will generally overcome that difficulty, if there isn’t then people will, much of the time, do what is easiest for them and not get involved. That has nothing that do with what that person does or doesn’t deserve, it’s just that people tend to chose what is easier for them to do.
 
Upvote 0

Motherofkittens

Well-Known Member
Jan 20, 2017
455
428
iowa
✟50,967.00
Country
United States
Faith
Humanist
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
Sometimes rejection is deserved and sometimes it isn't. No matter what though, it hurts and if it happens a lot it can become discouraging and really get a person down. Of course having friends, fun and love, etc.,is important but I'd advise not to put to much stock in other people's opinions of you, unless it is good for you. Such as if it uplifts you or is at least constructive criticism.
Best wishes for you Ben!:clap:
 
Upvote 0

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Yes, true, but what if the young child is not even aware of basic social skills such as greeting and asking questions? nor were they taught them due to not being diagnosed until an adult.

is the rejection deserved then?

I don't know that rejection is ever "deserved"....especially among Christians who are supposed to love unconditionally. However, all Christians are sinners and are still working on becoming Christ-like so fail on a regular basis.

What point are you trying to make?
 
Upvote 0

Motherofkittens

Well-Known Member
Jan 20, 2017
455
428
iowa
✟50,967.00
Country
United States
Faith
Humanist
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
Yes, true, but what if the young child is not even aware of basic social skills such as greeting and asking questions? nor were they taught them due to not being diagnosed until an adult.

is the rejection deserved then?

That isn't rejection of you, at all. People think you are not interested in them. If you don't even say hi or greet anyone or interact they will assume you don't want to be involved with them in anyway. They will give you what they think you want, to be left alone.
 
  • Agree
Reactions: blackribbon
Upvote 0

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
thats not possible, all neurotypical children pick up on social skills

Not true. A neurotypical child can have social anxiety, or extreme shyness, or just a bad model for behavior (a parent with no filters, tics, etc) ... Social skills are taught to everyone.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Ben Collyer

Well-Known Member
Apr 26, 2017
508
256
32
Hastings
✟35,657.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
I don't know that rejection is ever "deserved"....especially among Christians who are supposed to love unconditionally. However, all Christians are sinners and are still working on becoming Christ-like so fail on a regular basis.

What point are you trying to make?

I am a 26 year old man who is very frightened of rejection and is also very socially anxious...I believe the roots of that are the fact I was bullied, humiliated and shunned extensively as a child and adolescent, and even as an adult.

I am currently seeking to renew my mind about my identity and find healing from the messages I recieved as a child. I wasnt able to make friends due to lack of social skills.

those who did not bully me avoided me because I was "difficult" as one poster said. this has left me emotionally and psychologically damaged, dealing with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.

bottom line: How can I hope to recieve healing from something that wasnt sinfully perpertrated against me? if people have a right to shun me because Im difficult, then I was not sinned against, and there is no one to forgive.
 
Upvote 0

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
My mother is retired from teaching visually impaired children and she spent a lot of time teaching social skills because often blind kids will pick up habits that annoy people because they are visually distracting and the blind person isn't aware that they are distracting or annoying.
 
Upvote 0

Tom 1

Optimistic sceptic
Supporter
Nov 13, 2017
12,212
12,526
Tarnaveni
✟818,769.00
Country
Romania
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I am a 26 year old man who is very frightened of rejection and is also very socially anxious...I believe the roots of that are the fact I was bullied, humiliated and shunned extensively as a child and adolescent, and even as an adult.

I am currently seeking to renew my mind about my identity and find healing from the messages I recieved as a child. I wasnt able to make friends due to lack of social skills.

those who did not bully me avoided me because I was "difficult" as one poster said. this has left me emotionally and psychologically damaged, dealing with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.

bottom line: How can I hope to recieve healing from something that wasnt sinfully perpertrated against me? if people have a right to shun me because Im difficult, then I was not sinned against, and there is no one to forgive.

The healing is about healing you, as you are now, it's both restorative in a sense and forward looking. The reasons why you need healing are not so important as the process itself
 
Upvote 0

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
I am a 26 year old man who is very frightened of rejection and is also very socially anxious...I believe the roots of that are the fact I was bullied, humiliated and shunned extensively as a child and adolescent, and even as an adult.

I am currently seeking to renew my mind about my identity and find healing from the messages I recieved as a child. I wasnt able to make friends due to lack of social skills.

those who did not bully me avoided me because I was "difficult" as one poster said. this has left me emotionally and psychologically damaged, dealing with clinical depression and anxiety disorder.

bottom line: How can I hope to recieve healing from something that wasnt sinfully perpertrated against me? if people have a right to shun me because Im difficult, then I was not sinned against, and there is no one to forgive.

You must forgive them for hurting you...regardless if it was intentional or unintentional. Forgiving someone is for OUR benefit, not theirs. It allows us to let go of hurt and rejection.

However, you description of your self ... socially anxious and afraid of rejection ... having been bullied and shunned as a child ... actually describes many 20 year olds, not just those with autism. You have to reach a point where you accept who you are because God made you this way...and decide that anyone who doesn't value your friendship is missing out. If you have poor social skills (and many people do), you may not have a lot of friends, but honestly, that describes a lot of us. How many friends you have requires you to learn how to be friendly, how to be a friend, and how to initiate friendships. That is how it works for everyone...autism or not. People in their 20s have left school and no longer have a ready made social group (good or bad). It requires effort and yes, potentially being rejected while you are trying to find "your people".
 
Upvote 0

Ben Collyer

Well-Known Member
Apr 26, 2017
508
256
32
Hastings
✟35,657.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
You must forgive them for hurting you...regardless if it was intentional or unintentional. Forgiving someone is for OUR benefit, not theirs. It allows us to let go of hurt and rejection.

However, you description of your self ... socially anxious and afraid of rejection ... having been bullied and shunned as a child ... actually describes many 20 year olds, not just those with autism. You have to reach a point where you accept who you are because God made you this way...and decide that anyone who doesn't value your friendship is missing out. If you have poor social skills (and many people do), you may not have a lot of friends, but honestly, that describes a lot of us. How many friends you have requires you to learn how to be friendly, how to be a friend, and how to initiate friendships. That is how it works for everyone...autism or not. People in their 20s have left school and no longer have a ready made social group (good or bad). It requires effort and yes, potentially being rejected while you are trying to find "your people".

by the grace of God I actually have a lot of friends, People consistently tell me that they like me and that I am "sweet" and "lovely"...ofcourse there are those who dislike me for whatever reason.

but in spite of these appraisals and my apparent strong social life...I am still a very wounded and depressed person. I hate the fact I have autism, i HATE it. I do not want to be different. there is something about me that is as yet unhealed, insecure, feeling unloved.

I also struggle with the message that God made me this way, i can understand that in his sovereign purpose he allowed me to be born autistic, but it has brought me nothing but pain and grief
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
by the grace of God I actually have a lot of friends, People consistently tell me that they like me and that I am "sweet" and "lovely"...ofcourse there are those who dislike me for whatever reason.

but in spite of these appraisals and my apparent strong social life...I am still a very wounded and depressed person. I hate the fact I have autism, i HATE it. I do not want to be different. there is something about me that is as yet unhealed, insecure, feeling unloved.

I also struggle with the message that God made me this way, i can understand that in his sovereign purpose he allowed me to be born autistic, but it has brought me nothing but pain and grief

Everyone has something about themselves that makes life difficult and makes them "different". You not being aware of their 'cross to bear" does not mean it doesn't exist or it is easier than yours. You are actually lucky because you do have friends and a social life. Your problem isn't autism, it is depression and an attitude that rejects God's love for you.

Nobody wants to be different...but we all are in some way. Are you in some sort of counseling to help you explore your feelings and address the depression.
 
Upvote 0

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
FYI: I am not autistic. I have normal social skills. I am also depressed (and being treated). I am in constant pain that makes doing my job very hard and means I don't get out of the house as much as I used to. I am financial very thin because I am a single mother and so I can't afford to do the social activities that my peers do very often. I am the child of divorce and feel very rejected by the father whom I once was the apple of his eye. I became a widow at age 43 after my husband and best friend died in my arms. I have developed anxiety and a telephone phobia related to the PTSD. And I have zero friends at the moment...just a few casual acquaintances from work but nobody that I'd even call for help if my car broke down. I live with fear that the pain is going to be a forever thing and the loneliness from being isolated hangs over my head and makes me dread the future. However, I know that God is real. That even 40 years of pain and isolation is nothing in comparison to the life I will have in Christ after death for eternity. My job is rewarding in that I help people. My kids are turning into happy, well-adjusted adults. And God has always provided for my real needs, even if I mix up my needs and wants at times.

What we do with our life is a choice that we do have control over, even if we don't have control over the way we were born or the crap life throws at us.
 
Upvote 0

Ben Collyer

Well-Known Member
Apr 26, 2017
508
256
32
Hastings
✟35,657.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
FYI: I am not autistic. I have normal social skills. I am also depressed (and being treated). I am in constant pain that makes doing my job very hard and means I don't get out of the house as much as I used to. I am financial very thin because I am a single mother and so I can't afford to do the social activities that my peers do very often. I am the child of divorce and feel very rejected by the father whom I once was the apple of his eye. I became a widow at age 43 after my husband and best friend died in my arms. I have developed anxiety and a telephone phobia related to the PTSD. And I have zero friends at the moment...just a few casual acquaintances from work but nobody that I'd even call for help if my car broke down. I live with fear that the pain is going to be a forever thing and the loneliness from being isolated hangs over my head and makes me dread the future. However, I know that God is real. That even 40 years of pain and isolation is nothing in comparison to the life I will have in Christ after death for eternity. My job is rewarding in that I help people. My kids are turning into happy, well-adjusted adults. And God has always provided for my real needs, even if I mix up my needs and wants at times.

What we do with our life is a choice that we do have control over, even if we don't have control over the way we were born or the crap life throws at us.

I imagine that the happy memories of your childhood and early adult life sustain you. and also the positive schema and love you recieved
 
Upvote 0

blackribbon

Not a newbie
Dec 18, 2011
13,388
6,674
✟190,401.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
I imagine that the happy memories of your childhood and early adult life sustain you. and also the positive schema and love you recieved

You have an active imagination. Why do you assume that I had a happy childhood? I said my parents got divorced and my dad checked out of my life and went to 4 different high schools. My mom was emotional and physically drained during those years. And any happy memories I have from my early adult life were because I chose to be happy, not because life gave me anything. My "positive" schema comes from my relationship with God and choosing to recognize the silver lining in many of the clouds ...not because I had anything that could even remotely resemble a "charmed life" at any point.

Are you getting treated for the depression? Counseling and meds sound like they could be very appropriate for you.

Who are you "damaged" by? your parents? because you have said that you have a lot of friends ...
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Tom 1

Optimistic sceptic
Supporter
Nov 13, 2017
12,212
12,526
Tarnaveni
✟818,769.00
Country
Romania
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I hate the fact I have autism, i HATE it. I do not want to be different. there is something about me that is as yet unhealed, insecure, feeling unloved.

Accepting who you are is a loooonnnggg trajectory. Learn to enjoy the journey, one minute at a time
 
Upvote 0