Is "Not Looking" REALLY the Solution?

[exitstageright]

It is interesting,that people,usally women,tell myself and other men,that when we are not looking,we will find that special lady. Yes, I admit that I am always looking. I always carry a note pad and TWO pens with me when I go out. I carry two pens just in case one pen runs out of ink when I am writing down a phone number. Now, I do not carry a pen and paper with me when I go to the 49ers' football games. I have had season tickets,in the SAME seat,for over 30 years. I am NOT looking when I am at the 49er games.If this theory IS true,why haven't I met someone at Candlestick Park ,while I am NOT looking?
When the 49ers lost the NFC Championship Game,January 22,2012, on that fumbled punt return,I was not looking.

If this theory WAS true,then after the game,while looking sad, some lady would approach me and say something like this "Oh...you look SO dissappointed". I would answer her,and we would start talking,and before we would part our ways,I would ask her for her number.She would give it to me,and her e-mail address. I would call her in a couple of days,set up a coffee date,and we would start seeing each other.

WRONG....,it did not happen. Well.....the ONLY place that this would happen is in a romantic movie

 

[razeontherock]

Boy are there a lot of ways to address this

1. This is not what is meant by "not looking." A break for a few hours? Nah, you're still on the prowl.

2. If you're gonna wait a few days to call, you might as well not get her # in the first place. (Seriously, this is LOADED)

3. Not once have I "gotten a woman's #." It just seems so strange to me, when you're (physically, literally) seeing someone, to get their #, so you can leave, call her at some indefinite time when you may or may not get through, in the hopes of ... seeing her.

 

[blackribbon]

I met my husband when I was trying to catch the attention of one of his buddies...so I guess I was looking...but not in that direction.

I'm really "not looking" most of the time. I tend to assume all the men around me are happily married...and really hope that it is true for them. On the odd chase I find myself "going out" with friends, I might look around a bit but it is more people watching than anything. I'd probably jump out of my skin if I thought someone was "noticing" me instead of being flattered like I should be. However, I live in parent central...ice rink bleachers, baseball bleachers, scout uniforms...you get the point. Not the environment to be looking for a date. (ewww, Mom!)

Do people really hand out phone numbers to strangers? Boy, I'm so not prepared for this life. Even back in college, my roomie gave out the phone number to Pizza Hut when asked (though her husband-to-be got our real number ). I don't remember ever giving mine out...but the guys I went out with tended to "walk me home" so they knew where I lived. Maybe that is just so long ago...

I might be the one who says you look disappointed but it would be because you actually looked disappointed and I have no problems talking to strangers. (You probably wouldn't ask for my number because you think I'm weird for talking to you in the first place...but yes, I talk to strangers EVERYWHERE or else I might go days without actually talking to a real live adult).

 

[dayhiker]

I know there are quite a few stories of people who found their love when they weren't looking. But I really think there are good ways to meet people today. I think most people are very respectful of others, so I believe its safer to be out meeting people today than at any other time. But its still good to have a plan .. meet in a public place, let friends know about who and when, use email till one feels comfortable giving out phone number and address. I really think TV broadcasting many of the murders that happen all across the US make it feel like there is more violence around us than there really is. But being a guy and knowing that if something happens to me its not going to bother me that much. So I'd get out there and go for it. I meet my GF by asking her to meet me to play golf. We spent 3 hours together including the ice cream afterwards. We both were looking for dates, etc.

 

[edwardfsmith]

No not looking is not the solution that will lead to finding someone
But it can be the only solution to keep on going in life
At least for me.

I have not been able to look for a long time due to social anxiety.
The lord does not work that way at all. Because nobody ever took notice of me.

Well, I guess if you define not looking in the exact right way maybe.
You can not be looking and the exact moment that God gives you a gift you better jump on it and be looking. You better turn it from off to on.

The problem is I have learned the lesson that it is very hard to do that.
For me it was impossible to go from the belief that I would be open but that no woman could ever love me and love was not a thing I would ever have in my life. To a belief it was possible. Now that I finally feel I can be loved and would be a great husband there is again absolutely nobody around and the defects in my person are again clear.

But looking is exhausting too. At least for me it is. And it is disappointing.
If you are like me and so flawed that it is never really going to work.
So you have to turn it off and stop looking.
You have to just go about your life and know this is it for you.
God may love you but you are never going to get love with another.

Either way is a hard way to live.
But some of us really have no choice but to not look most of the time.

 

[blackribbon]

Now that I finally feel I can be loved and would be a great husband there is again absolutely nobody around and the defects in my person are again clear.

Kind of off-topic but... Edward, it is often through our defects that we find someone. Someone who is "perfect" is intimidating because it is hard to see how you are going to measure up. It is through our "defects" that we find the one that complements us. It is also through these defects that we also see the "charm" of someone else...the something that makes us feel needed.

I wish I had access to a crystal ball that would allow us a peek at God's overall plan. It would be so much easier if I knew if we were supposed to just settle into "being alone" and get used to it...or if this was just a period where we are being prepared for someone. It would also be helpful when trying to encourage each other. However, no matter how many times I ask, I get "no peeking" as my answer.....

As for you, Edward. I think you are just fine and I wish I could go out with you a few times so I could be the one letting girls know that "there is a great quiet guy over there that wants a chance to treat you like a princess." Girls/women are so stupid sometimes. They say they want the "great guys"...but often miss what is right under their nose. Hang with the attitude that you are great husband material...because I suspect it is true.

I also know a beautiful young widow of 9 years that has fallen in love with a single, never-been-married man in his mid-50's. They are talking marriage and her whole face dances when she talks about him. He has flaws in my eyes...but I think she loves even those aspects about him. I tell this because I want to give you hope. There is not an expiration date on finding love. (hugs)

(really off topic...maybe my weird dreams might be the answer to my prayers and are a little peek...I'll have to meditate on that a bit longer)

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with razeontherock. You misinterpret what is being said to you. When I say that to someone like you. I mean what I say in this way:
When you are looking, even if you try to hide it, your body language gives you away that you are on the prowl. For women, I've heard men say that so and so has those "hungry eyes" which equates to being desparate. When I was single before I got married, of course I was "looking" but never wanting to be that "hungry eyed girl". It wasn't until I finally had really had it with that whole looking searching trying and not getting anywhere scene that I said "That's IT!" I'm done! I don't even WANT a relationship. But I truly meant it. So I stopped looking, just living my single girl life and it was shortly after that that I met my husband. Now when I met him, it wasn't like WOW here's my future husband. No! I thought he was attractive and we had a 2 hour conversation in a very loud club to which afterward he left with someone else and I went home by myself. Then we became friends and started going to single's bible study together at Calvary Chapel. And THEN we started getting a little more serious and I DID like him, but he had just gotten separated so that was complicated. He had kids, another complication. And then HE told me that he loved me! What???? First time for ME that the guy said it first! And after that I had to do some heavy praying because of the soon to be ex wife, the kids, etc.....but then eventually God worked it out and I did fall in love with him. So what happens next? He goes with his buddy on an adventure heading up to Canada!!! But as it turned out, he called me every step of the way, and when he got where he was staying (which ended up being Jacksonhole Wyoming) I moved up there and about 2 months later we got married. And we stayed married until he died in 2005. The point of all that is you can't just SAY OK I'm not looking, you have to truly be done with looking in your heart, so until you come to that place?..........................but it is still possible to look and find someone. It all depends on what God's plan for YOU is and of course, I don't know what that is.

One more thing about the whole getting the phone number thing. SO old school....why don't you just ask them out right there on the spot? Then if they say yes THEN get the phone number. But I agree again with razeontherock, why just get their number to wait a few days when you feel like it's a good time for YOU?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I also know a beautiful young widow of 9 years that has fallen in love with a single, never-been-married man in his mid-50's. They are talking marriage and her whole face dances when she talks about him. He has flaws in my eyes...but I think she loves even those aspects about him. I tell this because I want to give you hope. There is not an expiration date on finding love. (hugs)



This gives me hope! I also feel like you about the wanting a little peek and never getting it (sounds SO like me). But then I realize that if God did tell me how my life was going to be, I sure wouldn't like it. Like if he would have told me my husband was going to die at 55 and I would have struggles with my teens (and it could be so much worse or get worse at any time) I would not like it and who knows what I would do. So as much as I really want to know how this game of life is to be played by me, I know by now it's not going to happen so I try to just roll with the punches.

 

[blackribbon]

I also know a beautiful young widow of 9 years that has fallen in love with a single, never-been-married man in his mid-50's. They are talking marriage and her whole face dances when she talks about him. He has flaws in my eyes...but I think she loves even those aspects about him. I tell this because I want to give you hope. There is not an expiration date on finding love. (hugs)



This gives me hope! I also feel like you about the wanting a little peek and never getting it (sounds SO like me). But then I realize that if God did tell me how my life was going to be, I sure wouldn't like it. Like if he would have told me my husband was going to die at 55 and I would have struggles with my teens (and it could be so much worse or get worse at any time) I would not like it and who knows what I would do. So as much as I really want to know how this game of life is to be played by me, I know by now it's not going to happen so I try to just roll with the punches.

I also just got to follow another widower's Chapter 2 love story. 7 years after his wife's death a lovely woman walked into his life (kept bumping into each other in a small grocery)...a year later, we got to hear about him proposing to her on a mountaintop in homeland of Sweden when they were visiting her parents for Christmas. 9 months later, we were reading about their wedding (and it was fun as heck to hear how giddy a 51 year old man in love can be). She was an abused woman when she was young and had given up on love. Now, she does things like pulling out his old wedding album on his first marriage's anniversary when he is fighting back sadness and asks him to tell her all about his first wife and their marriage. He was heartbroken for almost 5 years before he even could look up...now he is so fun to listen too since he has found a life that lets him love both women that are near to his heart.

 

[dayhiker]

What a great story!

 

[singlewv2011]

Exit, Exit, I often think you are your own worst enemy.

Women are much more subtle than we are, and they are SO good at reading non-verbal signals. If you are on the prowl, I guarantee every woman knows it. I don't know if I completely buy into the "when you aren't looking" thing, but it IS all tied into our self-confidence and the way we carry ourselves. I have noticed, especially in the last year, that as my self-image and self-confidence improve, woman find me much more approachable. It is quite common now for women to engage me in conversation when I am out, usually standing in line waiting for the cashier. That never used to happen to me. And not just polite conversation, but ongoing meaningful dialogue. But also note, I don't automatically assume they are 'into' me. I don't ask them for phone numbers. I participate in the conversation and it helps my confidence grow even more. And I leave it at that.

I have also noticed that if you are with someone and happy, that you get a LOT more attention. Again, it 'must' be the non-verbals we send out. There is a wonderful young lady here on CF that I have been getting to know better, and she is very sweet and complimentary to me. I know I have been walking around with a big smile on my face. It was almost humorous today at the cafeteria where I work, I turned around and there were literally five women staring me down. They didn't even look away when I made eye contact. Again, I don't humor myself with thoughts that they were interested in me, or that I am somehow magically more handsome than yesterday. But I was definitely sending out confident, happy vibes and they were being picked up.

Finally, let me ask you, what type of women are you attracted to? Do you have a 'type'? Tall, short, slender, chubby, older, younger? Are you sure you are being realistic in your expectations? I often fear my expectations are unrealistic because I have been fortunate to date a few young, beautiful (althought hopelessly broken) women. I can't remember how old you are, but women my age and older are a little more old-fashioned and might expect a more traditional courtship than simply asking for a phone number, where as someone 10 years younger might be flattered. Make sure you are presenting the right message to the right audience.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I also just got to follow another widower's Chapter 2 love story. 7 years after his wife's death a lovely woman walked into his life (kept bumping into each other in a small grocery)...a year later, we got to hear about him proposing to her on a mountaintop in homeland of Sweden when they were visiting her parents for Christmas. 9 months later, we were reading about their wedding (and it was fun as heck to hear how giddy a 51 year old man in love can be). She was an abused woman when she was young and had given up on love. Now, she does things like pulling out his old wedding album on his first marriage's anniversary when he is fighting back sadness and asks him to tell her all about his first wife and their marriage. He was heartbroken for almost 5 years before he even could look up...now he is so fun to listen too since he has found a life that lets him love both women that are near to his heart.

Wow! How I wish I could find a MAN like that! Thanks for the hope!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Exit, Exit, I often think you are your own worst enemy.

Women are much more subtle than we are, and they are SO good at reading non-verbal signals. If you are on the prowl, I guarantee every woman knows it. I don't know if I completely buy into the "when you aren't looking" thing, but it IS all tied into our self-confidence and the way we carry ourselves. I have noticed, especially in the last year, that as my self-image and self-confidence improve, woman find me much more approachable. It is quite common now for women to engage me in conversation when I am out, usually standing in line waiting for the cashier. That never used to happen to me. And not just polite conversation, but ongoing meaningful dialogue. But also note, I don't automatically assume they are 'into' me. I don't ask them for phone numbers. I participate in the conversation and it helps my confidence grow even more. And I leave it at that.

I have also noticed that if you are with someone and happy, that you get a LOT more attention. Again, it 'must' be the non-verbals we send out. There is a wonderful young lady here on CF that I have been getting to know better, and she is very sweet and complimentary to me. I know I have been walking around with a big smile on my face. It was almost humorous today at the cafeteria where I work, I turned around and there were literally five women staring me down. They didn't even look away when I made eye contact. Again, I don't humor myself with thoughts that they were interested in me, or that I am somehow magically more handsome than yesterday. But I was definitely sending out confident, happy vibes and they were being picked up.

Finally, let me ask you, what type of women are you attracted to? Do you have a 'type'? Tall, short, slender, chubby, older, younger? Are you sure you are being realistic in your expectations? I often fear my expectations are unrealistic because I have been fortunate to date a few young, beautiful (althought hopelessly broken) women. I can't remember how old you are, but women my age and older are a little more old-fashioned and might expect a more traditional courtship than simply asking for a phone number, where as someone 10 years younger might be flattered. Make sure you are presenting the right message to the right audience.

True dat!

 

[exitstageright]

I agree with razeontherock. You misinterpret what is being said to you. When I say that to someone like you. I mean what I say in this way:
When you are looking, even if you try to hide it, your body language gives you away that you are on the prowl. For women, I've heard men say that so and so has those "hungry eyes" which equates to being desparate. When I was single before I got married, of course I was "looking" but never wanting to be that "hungry eyed girl". It wasn't until I finally had really had it with that whole looking searching trying and not getting anywhere scene that I said "That's IT!" I'm done! I don't even WANT a relationship. But I truly meant it. So I stopped looking, just living my single girl life and it was shortly after that that I met my husband. Now when I met him, it wasn't like WOW here's my future husband. No! I thought he was attractive and we had a 2 hour conversation in a very loud club to which afterward he left with someone else and I went home by myself. Then we became friends and started going to single's bible study together at Calvary Chapel. And THEN we started getting a little more serious and I DID like him, but he had just gotten separated so that was complicated. He had kids, another complication. And then HE told me that he loved me! What???? First time for ME that the guy said it first! And after that I had to do some heavy praying because of the soon to be ex wife, the kids, etc.....but then eventually God worked it out and I did fall in love with him. So what happens next? He goes with his buddy on an adventure heading up to Canada!!! But as it turned out, he called me every step of the way, and when he got where he was staying (which ended up being Jacksonhole Wyoming) I moved up there and about 2 months later we got married. And we stayed married until he died in 2005. The point of all that is you can't just SAY OK I'm not looking, you have to truly be done with looking in your heart, so until you come to that place?..........................but it is still possible to look and find someone. It all depends on what God's plan for YOU is and of course, I don't know what that is.

One more thing about the whole getting the phone number thing. SO old school....why don't you just ask them out right there on the spot? Then if they say yes THEN get the phone number. But I agree again with razeontherock, why just get their number to wait a few days when you feel like it's a good time for YOU?

Well.... I have heard and read,that if you call the very next day, you will give the impression that you are desperate and that you do not "have a life". When I was in my twenties,I WOULD call the very next day. You see, I get nowhere no matter WHEN I call. I am just NOT the type of guy that most women want. However, my happiness is not based on having someone.Being financially sucessful is the "Consolation Prize" in my life. Now,it seems that the ONLY one who wants to "TOUCH ME",......is me.

 

[razeontherock]

When I was single before I got married, of course I was "looking" but never wanting to be that "hungry eyed girl". It wasn't until I finally had really had it with that whole looking searching trying and not getting anywhere scene that I said "That's IT!" I'm done! I don't even WANT a relationship. But I truly meant it. So I stopped looking, just living my single girl life and it was shortly after that that I met my husband.

Here's a relevant anecdote that may give some here some good food for thought:

I met a woman in exactly this position that you describe. I accepted her resolution, and just decided to befriend her because she needed a good friend. She also needed some bolstering of her Faith, even though she did attend a very good Church; but that was really all there was to her Spirituality. No outgrowth of it into her life.

Next I knew she was telling me all that "not looking" stuff was just nonsense, yada yada, and suddenly I was way too emotionally attached.

Over time her love for the Lord (which had grown while we were together) grew cold, her heart (which had softened quite a bit while we were together) hardened, and today she is alone and bitter.

I'm not saying this pertains to any other individual, I'm just saying ... there's a balance here! "As a (wo)man thinketh in his/her heart, so is (s)he."

 

[exitstageright]

Exit, Exit, I often think you are your own worst enemy.

Women are much more subtle than we are, and they are SO good at reading non-verbal signals. If you are on the prowl, I guarantee every woman knows it. I don't know if I completely buy into the "when you aren't looking" thing, but it IS all tied into our self-confidence and the way we carry ourselves. I have noticed, especially in the last year, that as my self-image and self-confidence improve, woman find me much more approachable. It is quite common now for women to engage me in conversation when I am out, usually standing in line waiting for the cashier. That never used to happen to me. And not just polite conversation, but ongoing meaningful dialogue. But also note, I don't automatically assume they are 'into' me. I don't ask them for phone numbers. I participate in the conversation and it helps my confidence grow even more. And I leave it at that.

I have also noticed that if you are with someone and happy, that you get a LOT more attention. Again, it 'must' be the non-verbals we send out. There is a wonderful young lady here on CF that I have been getting to know better, and she is very sweet and complimentary to me. I know I have been walking around with a big smile on my face. It was almost humorous today at the cafeteria where I work, I turned around and there were literally five women staring me down. They didn't even look away when I made eye contact. Again, I don't humor myself with thoughts that they were interested in me, or that I am somehow magically more handsome than yesterday. But I was definitely sending out confident, happy vibes and they were being picked up.

Finally, let me ask you, what type of women are you attracted to? Do you have a 'type'? Tall, short, slender, chubby, older, younger? Are you sure you are being realistic in your expectations? I often fear my expectations are unrealistic because I have been fortunate to date a few young, beautiful (althought hopelessly broken) women. I can't remember how old you are, but women my age and older are a little more old-fashioned and might expect a more traditional courtship than simply asking for a phone number, where as someone 10 years younger might be flattered. Make sure you are presenting the right message to the right audience.

Yes, you are right about attracting other women when you have someone. When I was dating this woman,when I was living on Oahu,Hawaii,women would smile at me,and say"Hello" to me while we where walking down the street. My girlfriend would get annoyed. I told her that BEFORE I met her,women would ignore me.I asked my girlfriend," Why are they smiling at me NOW?" My girlfriend said," Because you have a certain "GLOW" about you"
Now,I know that I am going to step on some toes here,but here it goes.
Growing up as a black boy in San Francisco,many black girls called me "ugly" Now, I say"Hello" to people of ALL races and genders. Today, MOST black women that I say"Hello" to either ignore me,or give me a hostile look." NOW, the ONLY time most black women will pay ANY attention to me,is..........yes,you guessed it,is when they see me walking with a white woman.
I have this wild idea.Since women ONLY notice me when I am with someone else.One of these days,at Sunday School or at a Bible Study, I should hire an escort and take her to class with me. I am sure that ALL of the women in my class would notice me NOW.​

Now for my type of woman. I am attracted to average looking women. The problem is most average looking women do not feel good about themselves. IF the average woman REALLY felt good about herself,the cosmetics industry would go out of business,IMHO. I am attracted to smart,slender to medium sized women. I am attracted to women scientists, actresses,singers,and musicians. It is great when you can share your life with someone who has the SAME PASSIONS in life as you do,IMHO.
The smart women that I like give me the impression that they do not NEED or WANT a man. That just leaves for me the knuckleheads. Yes,there ARE some women that I KNOW are attracted to me,but I do not WANT them. These types of women remind me of my ex. I can only take so much nonsense and stupidity. Even when I was in my twenties,the ONLY ones that wanted me were the drug abusing,alcolholic,and uneducated young women. The young ladies,who had a lot going for them, were not interested in me.
When I was 14,I just started to like girls. The first girl that I had a crush on,as did millions of other boys at that time,was Angela Cartwight of "Lost In Space". Her character,"Penny Robinson",was a very smart,sweet,caring,and good-looking dark-haired girl. The FIRST girl that I asked for a phone number was named Debbie,and she reminded me so much of Penny Robinson. When I met Angela Cartwright in person,in 2001,I told her,"One of the reasons that I became a scientist,was that I liked science fiction,and I liked watching your show,"Lost In Space." She just smiled at me. I DID NOT tell her that I used to have a crush on her.
Bill Mumy,the boy who played William Robinson,(Danger...Danger...Will Robinson!)is the same age as I am.
Well,now that I have told you what kind of lady that I am attracted to,I hope that I have made myself perfectly clear.
Oh,I almost forgot,I used to pursue women younger than me. Now that I am 57,I ONLY pursue women in their 50's. The DRAWBACKS are,MOST women that I meet in their 50's tell me that they have "had it" with men and are no longer interested in dating. Some women my age only want to date young men in their 30's and 40's. ​

Last edited by exitstageright; 31st January 2012 at 06:47 PM. ​

 

[razeontherock]

Well.... I have heard and read,that if you call the very next day, you will give the impression that you are desperate and that you do not "have a life". When I was in my twenties,I WOULD call the very next day. You see, I get nowhere no matter WHEN I call. I am just NOT the type of guy that most women want. However, my happiness is not based on having someone.Being financially sucessful is the "Consolation Prize" in my life. Now,it seems that the ONLY one who wants to "TOUCH ME",......is me.

Time to trade war stories, with the moral of the story being to count your blessings:

once I had a wedding ring on my finger, women came out of the woodwork to throw themselves at me. Fast forward seven years and I had a stable to moderately successful business, where if the customer's home I was in happened to be a gandmother with her grand-daughter, they'd never let me leave their house. This is not a particularly good way to keep a marriage together, and working late always meant I was cheating on my ex-wife -- according to her. Of course I was totally faithful, but I can tell you satan sure has a hierarchy!

The divorce finally finalized in '98 after a 2 year separation, and I still have years of child support to pay. My business has been terrible since '08 (Lehman Bros collapse) and while I just got 4 calls for different musical projects, at age 47 I hardly look (or feel) like a rock star anymore. And of course none of this equates to "financial success."

Try being content with financial success. I have to take any and all hope of "finding someone," and to coin an old expression, 'take it to the altar and leave it there.' God is clear to me about that, and I've been both dragging my feet about it for a long time, and fighting bouts of depression every time I begin to try to even just contemplate it.

In short, you're way ahead of me. No, the grass is not greener on this side of the fence.

 

[blackribbon]

My husband was a UPS driver. When he drove the package trucks, he quickly learned that he was better off leaving his wedding ring at home...way too many women hit on him. When he didn't wear it, they were more subtle....they just kept their candy dishes stocked with the candy he liked and stuff. We used to laugh about it. The stories he told me...well, it's a good thing I knew he liked coming home each night.

 

[blackribbon]

I never thought about it but I know I'm more likely to meet someone when I'm not looking because I'm more fun then and less self-conscious. When I'm not looking, I'm not worried about what I look like or if what I said was "stupid". I'm also more likely to put myself "out there". (I also like myself better and maybe that is why I've kind of given up looking.)

I think "hungry eyes" does hurt us.

 

[razeontherock]

they just kept their candy dishes stocked with the candy he liked and stuff.

Now there's a new euphemism