Is my husband a worker of iniquity?

[trophy33]

He says that he's trying to make me think, because I don't think. Mentions that others don't think I am smart either. That he has to repeat things 10 times before I get it. I do admit I am forgetful and distracted a lot. I do get brain fog at times. He even said I should go see a doctor but when I mention will go, but it will cost over 1000, he doesn't want me to go.

Also, I am back in employment today. I am not sure it's a good thing.

Complete and healthy nutrition, exercise, good and regular sleep should help with brain fog.

You can also train your memory and concentration by various activities, its easy to google them. You may also try green tea or some other natural remedies.

Ask your husband what you should do to get it better, maybe he has some good ideas. And it will make him part of the solution instead of the opposition in fights.

 

[trophy33]

He even said I should go see a doctor but when I mention will go, but it will cost over 1000, he doesn't want me to go.

Terrible. American system is so broken. We have a free health care here where I live, so I cannot imagine a situation to want to go to a doctor but not going because of money.

 

[turkle]

Also, I am back in employment today. I am not sure it's a good thing.

This is gas lighting, a form of emotional abuse. This "Godly" man lied to you to manipulate you.

I imagine the distraction, brain fog and forgetfulness are all part of the stress you have in living with this man. You are beaten down, berated and treated like a child who needs to be taught. All are classic signs of abuse.

He says he is trying to make you think. What he is accomplishing is beating you down so far that you are completely dependent upon him. Thus far, he is succeeding, because you do nothing about it. He will continue to be violent with you, and it will escalate to harsher blows because you are not thinking the way he wants you to.

I agree wholeheartedly with Aiki. You cannot leave this sin unchallenged. You are enabling your husband to sin more by passively allowing it to happen. This sin feeds upon itself; the more he sees his actions succeeding, the more he will do it.

This is not a marriage as God created it to be. It is your choice to continue to be a passive victim. Or, you could drum up the courage to do something about it. What will you choose?

 

[Blade]

I am unsure how many truly work with cases like this. There are how many people involved? Two.. yet we only hear one side praise God you hurt want to help yet the other side of this we have heard nothing and we have some saying words like leave, call 911. Praise GOD for those suggesting call your pastor.

I am shocked at how many know the word of God yet are so fast to break up what God put together. This is from someone that seen known all kinds of abuse.

 

[aiki]

I am unsure how many truly work with cases like this. There are how many people involved? Two.. yet we only hear one side praise God you hurt want to help yet the other side of this we have heard nothing and we have some saying words like leave, call 911. Praise GOD for those suggesting call your pastor.

I am shocked at how many know the word of God yet are so fast to break up what God put together. This is from someone that seen known all kinds of abuse.

Should the OP just put up with being assaulted physically? How far should she do so? Until her husband puts her in the hospital? Or permanently maims her? Or kills her (which rather makes the question moot)?

In my country, it's illegal for a husband to physically assault his wife (or vice versa). I suspect this is the case in the country of the OP, too. It's quite proper, then, for her to take the step of involving the police if her husband grows violent with her. This can be a good "wake up" experience for the abuser, bringing their abuse out into the open, and making it plain to the abuser just how very serious, very wrong, their abuse of their spouse really is.

Does urging the OP to have her husband arrested if he assaults her equate to urging her to divorce her husband? No. Not at all. The former doesn't necessitate the latter.

 

[Petros2015]

Also, I am back in employment today. I am not sure it's a good thing.

Can I ask you some questions to clarify the situation a little?

What is the age difference between you and your husband?
How long have you been together?
He says you lack education, but how did you meet? Your profile says you are in North America, but are you a native to America? The situation with him controlling your employment and his general behavior and imbalance in the relationship seems unusual.

 

[ViaCrucis]

Not counciling. Call 911.

This.

-CryptoLutheran

 

[chevyontheriver]

This.

-CryptoLutheran

Yup. Hopefully a temporary escape shakes up the guy to make permanent amends.

 

[Strong in Him]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse,

It's abuse. He's denying it.

Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married.

Abusers often blame others for their actions.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

So either he has anger issues, or he is manipulative; lulling you into a sense of false security, so he can say "I'm not all bad."

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

Maybe you shouldn't have used that phrase, but then he should be loving you as Christ loves his church - ready to lay down his life for you.

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs,

No, you don't deserve that - and your husband made vows to love and cherish you, not shout at and belittle you.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

"Doing" things for the Lord isn't that important.
God does not love, save and bless people because they "achieve" for him.
The things that he's done for the Lord, which he appears to be so proud of, may count for nothing if he treats you so badly. Biblical teaching on marriage is that in the beginning God made men and women, in his image, to be partners and work together. Paul says that men should love their wives, as Christ loves his Church.
He's not doing that; he's treating you as inferior and, in his mind, someone who deserves to be put in her place - physically, if needed.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

And how do you know that you don't have some kind of medical condition which could account for that?

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

A loving, caring, supportive husband would not do that and belittle you, he'd encourage you - either reassuring you that you're lovely as you are, or encouraging you to get some qualifications, if that's what you want. But you do that for you; not for him.

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

No; you need(ed) somewhere to vent and get advice.
Your husband doesn't want to go to counselling, or for you to go to the doctors, because he doesn't want anyone else to know about his behaviour, which would ruin the image of a popular man and caring husband that he has built up for himself.

Can you go to a refuge, or safe place, or stay with relatives while you get legal advice?

 

[bèlla]

@PloverWing said: “I've just looked through some of your past posts, and I see that your husband's behavior has been a pattern in the marriage for at least 5 years.”

If you’ve sought advice in this venue for five years I’m certain you were told his behavior was abusive in the past as you heard this time. It’s no longer a question of whether he’s right or wrong. You know the answer. The only thing you must decide is what to do.

By now you know what to expect and have enough history to draw from. If you remain it will worsen with time. Leaving brings its own challenges. No matter your decision you’ll have hardships.

There comes a point when you’ve talked enough and action is the lone response. That’s your position.

 

[Victor E.]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

Husbands deal with a lot. Sometimes they can vent their frustration out on their spouse.

You mentioned being forgetful.. this could add to his frustration.

But regardless, a husband should never put their hands on their wife with the intention of causing physical harm.

That's physical abuse.. even if it's a 'milder' form.

Have you considered separation for a time? Perhaps it would help to live somewhere else for a while if that's possible.

I don't think it's good to 'jump the gun' and call 911 if you all are just going through a stressful time as a couple.. some things can do permanent damage to a relationship that you don't necessarily want to end for good.

Going before unbelievers first to resolve issues within the Church.. this is a sign we've already been defeated (1 Corinthians 6:1-8).

Going to court or local authorities should be a last resort option.

Do you all have a local Church you go to?

If so, maybe your Pastor and/or members of the Church can speak with your husband.

It could just be as simple as communication misunderstandings or lack of honest communication in general.

No one can read someone else's mind.. we have to open up our mouth and speak.

Perhaps your husband doesn't know how to communicate effectively.

However, if what you described here is an ongoing issue and your husband has no intention of changing or finding 3rd party help/intervention.. then I would recommend getting a restraining order of some kind and living elsewhere.

At least file a report with the police and/or speak to a trusted friend or family member about this so you're not the only one with knowledge that this is going on.

It's hard to say much more with limited knowledge, here we're only getting 1 side of the story so I'm unsure how effective the advice would be.

 

[Hannah66]

I am very sorry this has happened to you. Please note, that you have done nothing wrong to induce this. This is his sin. And, yes, this is abuse. My husband never slapped me or hit me, until a few weeks before he left me. He hit me hard on the leg and shook me. He said he did it because I frustrated him. That is gaslighting. That is abuse. He is holding you responsible for his sin. These are his actions.
My advice to you, is to pray and seek counsel from a Godly person, your pastor, perhaps. This is spiritual. The work your husband has done for the Lord is just 'rubbish' in God's eyes if he is not truly walking as a loving, Godly husband. I would spend time in prayer, praying for him. You must also set boundaries, and to not allow him to do this to you. If you feel you are in danger or repeated attacks, you must protect yourself. Seek refuge with a Godly female friend, or parents, perhaps? prayers

 

[ElenaMaria_9]

He says that he's trying to make me think, because I don't think. Mentions that others don't think I am smart either. That he has to repeat things 10 times before I get it. I do admit I am forgetful and distracted a lot. I do get brain fog at times. He even said I should go see a doctor but when I mention will go, but it will cost over 1000, he doesn't want me to go.

Also, I am back in employment today. I am not sure it's a good thing.

I'm so sorry. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical.

 

[ElenaMaria_9]

I am very sorry this has happened to you. Please note, that you have done nothing wrong to induce this. This is his sin. And, yes, this is abuse. My husband never slapped me or hit me, until a few weeks before he left me. He hit me hard on the leg and shook me. He said he did it because I frustrated him. That is gaslighting. That is abuse. He is holding you responsible for his sin. These are his actions.
My advice to you, is to pray and seek counsel from a Godly person, your pastor, perhaps. This is spiritual. The work your husband has done for the Lord is just 'rubbish' in God's eyes if he is not truly walking as a loving, Godly husband. I would spend time in prayer, praying for him. You must also set boundaries, and to not allow him to do this to you. If you feel you are in danger or repeated attacks, you must protect yourself. Seek refuge with a Godly female friend, or parents, perhaps? prayers

100% right on target. Thanks for this response. More churches need educating on abuse and what it does.

 

[seashale76]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

He's an abuser. You are not to blame for his violence. Nothing you are doing can ever justify his actions against you. He's gas lighting you. You aren't safe. He will only escalate. Men kill women all the time- even after you leave them. Please make a plan and escape to a safe place for women. Be vigilant. If you trust anyone in your life to help you- call them and leave. It is not a sin to leave an abusive marriage.

 

[Itsahappyday]

He said last night make him look like a tyrant because he got impatient with me when we were working around other people a few days ago, and I looked paraphrasing..like a sweet kind person, yet I wasn't listening, forgetting things, example he asked for a particular page, but I brought him his entire folder containing 2 documents because I was not familiar with the documents and pages as he was looking for and didn't know which he was referring to, etc... He says that I am like a child, I don't think, I do things then think, which I have done.

Truly I try to do things right, but

I feel like there is a curse over me. I break many things, unintentionally of course, clumsy, forgetful, distracted. I am peri menopausal, which doesn't help. I think I would try the patience of a saint.

 

[trophy33]

He said last night make him look like a tyrant because he got impatient with me when we were working around other people a few days ago, and I looked paraphrasing..like a sweet kind person, yet I wasn't listening, forgetting things, example he asked for a particular page, but I brought him his entire folder containing 2 documents because I was not familiar with the documents and pages as he was looking for and didn't know which he was referring to, etc... He says that I am like a child, I don't think, I do things then think, which I have done.

Truly I try to do things right, but

I feel like there is a curse over me. I break many things, unintentionally of course, clumsy, forgetful, distracted. I am peri menopausal, which doesn't help. I think I would try the patience of a saint.

Improve yourself in small steps, its the real sustainable way to mastery in any area of life. Nobody begins or ends being perfect, we are on the road of constant small improvements instead.

Kaizen - Wikipedia

 

[Strong in Him]

He said last night make him look like a tyrant because he got impatient with me when we were working around other people a few days ago, and I looked paraphrasing..like a sweet kind person, yet I wasn't listening, forgetting things, example he asked for a particular page, but I brought him his entire folder containing 2 documents because I was not familiar with the documents and pages as he was looking for and didn't know which he was referring to, etc... He says that I am like a child, I don't think, I do things then think, which I have done.

Truly I try to do things right, but

I feel like there is a curse over me. I break many things, unintentionally of course, clumsy, forgetful, distracted. I am peri menopausal, which doesn't help. I think I would try the patience of a saint.

There isn't a curse over you; like I said before, there could be a medical reason for your clumsiness, forgetfulness and so on. Even it it turned out to be linked to the menopause, you need support and encouragement, not abuse. He should be supporting you to go and visit the doctor, or maybe even a counsellor. His role is to help you to be the best that you can be, and if he loves you he would do that for you.

Sorry, but please don't try to excuse his behaviour by taking the blame on yourself.
If you were clumsy etc when you married, then he knew that about you from the start - even though there might still be a reason for it. If you have become clumsy, distracted and forgetful recently, why? Is is a medical reason? His behaviour? Loss of confidence? And why isn't he helping you?

 

[chevyontheriver]

He said last night make him look like a tyrant because he got impatient with me when we were working around other people a few days ago, and I looked paraphrasing..like a sweet kind person, yet I wasn't listening, forgetting things, example he asked for a particular page, but I brought him his entire folder containing 2 documents because I was not familiar with the documents and pages as he was looking for and didn't know which he was referring to, etc... He says that I am like a child, I don't think, I do things then think, which I have done.

Truly I try to do things right, but

I feel like there is a curse over me. I break many things, unintentionally of course, clumsy, forgetful, distracted. I am peri menopausal, which doesn't help. I think I would try the patience of a saint.

Notice how he blames YOU when he looks like a tyrant? And then how he gets you to accept fault for HIM being a tyrant? So he gets to continue being a tyrant AND you accept it. A good husband is gracious towards his wife. A bad husband rags on his wife. Which kind blames his wife for his own flaws?

 

[trophy33]

We know only fragments from few specific situations described from one side.

We should not try to attack her husband, call him names or try to lead her into some enmity towards him.