Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

[paulm50]

The custom of marrying virgins comes from a time when girls were owned by their Father and came with money when given the their new owner, a husband, in the form of a dowry. At the age of 13-14.

A time when writing like this was the norm.

"For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does."

"And he shall take a wife in her virginity. A widow, or a divorced woman, or a woman who has been defiled, or a prostitute, these he shall not marry. But he shall take as his wife a virgin of his own people,"

“If any man takes a wife and goes in to her and then hates her and accuses her of misconduct and brings a bad name upon her, saying, ‘I took this woman, and when I came near her, I did not find in her evidence of virginity,’ then the father of the young woman and her mother shall take and bring out the evidence of her virginity to the elders of the city in the gate. And the father of the young woman shall say to the elders, ‘I gave my daughter to this man to marry, and he hates her; and behold, he has accused her of misconduct, saying, “I did not find in your daughter evidence of virginity.” And yet this is the evidence of my daughter's virginity.’ And they shall spread the cloak before the elders of the city. ...

“If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife. If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the bride-price for virgins."

“If there is a betrothed virgin, and a man meets her in the city and lies with her, then you shall bring them both out to the gate of that city, and you shall stone them to death with stones, the young woman because she did not cry for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbor's wife. So you shall purge the evil from your midst."

A time when women were nothing more than something a man owned, sold and virginity an extra bonus. I think the Christian thing is to move on and drop the teachings of Men. Unless God made women to be second class.

 

[James Is Back]

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[SillySadie]

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I was not a Christian yet; he was. Now, 46 years later, we are both still happy to have been each other's first (and only). After becoming a Christian, I learned that God does not want us to be sexually active outside marriage, and I'm glad I didn't add that sin to Christ's suffering on the cross.

If your desire to marry a virgin comes from your faith, then follow your faith. I'd definitely ask her straight out. If she is comfortable discussing this with you, that is probably a more important fact than her virginity. (God, Himself, forgives when one repents their sins.) Honest and open communication is very important in any relationship, but especially in intimate relationships. In your discussions, you might come to understand the reason she is no longer a virgin, that she has repented and recommitted herself to no longer commit that sin, and she might just be the right one for you. I often hear people quote the Bible saying "judge not, lest ye be judged". That's a very misunderstood verse in my opinion. God tells us to be discerning, and there is NO relationship in our life where honest discernment, love and understanding of the other person is more important than in marriage.

It's your perogative to only associate yourself with virgins...though if you have had sex, you might pray about your reasoning for only wanting a virgin. (My brother-in-law, a Christian, was very sexually immoral through his teens and early 20's, but when he was ready to settle down and marry, he wanted and married what he called a "clean" woman.) That had nothing to do with Christianity...it had to do with his own ego and superior attitude about what he felt he deserved (and honestly, his marriage has been a poor one, perhaps because his focus was not on the right attributes when choosing a wife). If THAT's your issue, take it to the Lord in prayer, and find a good Christian counselor to help deal with THAT issue. If your desire to marry a virgin comes from your feeling YOU "deserved" to be sexually active for "fun" but for a serious relationship you, like my brother-in-law, feel you deserve a virgin, that is NOT a Christian value.

NO sin is so "bad" that Christ's sacrifice doesn't pay it's price, therefore, a person who repents is "clean again" in the eyes of God. But, PLEASE, don't marry a non-virgin unless you are TOTALLY accepting of her past...if you do, you will likely hold it against her in your heart, and that's neither Christian, fair, nor right. That is something to think about if you're judging women simply on their being a virgin or not.

I find that the Lord answers my prayers and questions. I just have to let go of my pre-conceived notions of what "I" think the pathway should be and listen to Him. Pray and listen to the response...

 

[Dave-W]

I think it is imparative that this be dealt with before entering into marraige. Clearly God must perfect a work that began when you decided you wanted her as your wife. It sounds to me that at this point you are far from a position of making a sound decision and that it is absolutely vital that God deal with this or you may very well ruin 2 lives. I understand your position personally and I can tell you from experience that it's best to continue to wait on God. IMHO, you are far from that position at this time.

Who are you talking to?

 

[Michele B]

I totally agree with PreacherBob.

I think there's a way to discuss the issue, without coming right out and asking what is a very embarrassing and potentially disturbing question. She may think you are rude, or forward, or crazy, or whatever. Then again, she may be glad you are wanting to know, before taking your relationship to another level. That said, however, I can see that it wouldn't be a very easy conversation to have with a young lady - especially one you like or want to consider for a wife!

Maybe within the context of a Bible study you engage in together? Or in front of a preacher? Or another "safe" place, the conversation can be brought up, and both of you share your feelings about it. After that, it could open up a dialog about where each of you is in your "virginity state." That could clear it up for both of you - just in case she's wondering the same thing!

And I also agree with PB, a lot of so-called 'christian' people are willing to fall into the world's trap of: "It's impossible to live up to Biblical standards, so I'll just - settle - and God will understand." NO! God set up the standard, and He certainly wouldn't expect us to live up to it if we were not able to!

I commend you for setting up high standards for YOURSELF as well as your future bride. I know God is pleased with your choice. BTW - I hope you are praying for your future bride! Even if you don't know who she is, you can cover that person in prayer, and God will help her make wise choices until you are there to help her!

 

[caeman]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.

I believe you are asking an important question, one that should not be dismissed.

I was a virgin until marriage. For me, it was a matter of keeping myself pure spiritually, because the Bible warn us against sexual immorality. But why? God rarely established a rule without a logical reason. In this case, it comes down to one's health. If you engage in sex with multiple partners, protected or not, you open yourself to infection. Even if you wear a condom, you can still catch a disease...or give one. Thus, if one practices abstinence, you have 0% chance of catching a disease that way. Because, logically, you aren't doing it. Of all the things we do and do not have control over on our lives, how we expose ourselves sexually is under our control.

By remaining a virgin, my wife was assured that I wasn't bringing any surprises to the marriage. Or her.

And then once married, the couple can go at it like rabbits. And the two of you know that only the two of you have ever had this experience with each other.

Too much of society wants to diminish the specialness of sex. It is a gift, something to be enjoyed under the right circumstances, with all the benefits that come with it. It should be treated with respect and honor. To listen to many modern rock and country songs, sex has become the equivalent of drinking a glass of water. It should be the ultimate expression of trust, love and affection between two people.

That said, original poster, God may ever well send a woman into your life that is not a virgin. She may have been a victim of peer pressure, or her own free choice, or violence. If she is a Godly woman, the two of you should be able to discuss the issue of sex while you are dating. If she ends up not respecting your desire to remain abstinent, then she is not The One. You are young, you have plenty of life ahead to live. I did not get married until age 27. My wife was 22.

 

[Cosmic Zamboni]

God forgives sin, but we often do not. If God provides me with the perfect mate in His perfect will whom he has forgiven for a past sin, who am I to throw His gift back in His face? I expect to be forgiven of my sins, but I cannot forgive? I establish my own criteria of what I, in my infinite wisdom, demand rather than accept God's will for my life? That's a model for losing sight of what it is to follow Him. Demanding "I want what I want" and demanding purity, as you define purity, might lead you to a very bad situation. I would pray about the matter and rethink what is important.

 

[paulm50]

My husband and I were both virgins when we got married. I was not a Christian yet; he was. Now, 46 years later, we are both still happy to have been each other's first (and only). After becoming a Christian, I learned that God does not want us to be sexually active outside marriage, and I'm glad I didn't add that sin to Christ's suffering on the cross.

1969 were very different times. Glad that you're still happily married though.

"God forgives sin, but we often do not. "

Not according to preachers and the parts of the Bible they quote.

I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

I strongly suggest Annon77 discusses this with his future wife, finding out in the wedding bed can be a disaster. What's he going to do when it's too late, what will be her reaction for a rejection over a matter she doesn't hold so important? I can also see your feelings are more towards a girl being a virgin, than finding a partner for the rest of your life.

It's not God that she will be sharing her life with. It's not God that will feel hurt by your obsession and not God that will leave you emotionally if not physically. I fear she will do that as well.

Talk to her, date her, get into a real relationship without sex. If you don't it may ruin their marriage from the start, or come up later in life. If she's experienced, she will quickly spot his lack of experience.

And you don't need a committed Christian to tell you what you want to hear. You need to be told the truth and that is. Going into a relationship keeping secrets is not going to end well. If she feels the same, she will be wondering the same thing as you are.

 

[Desk trauma]

What's he going to do when it's too late...

The biblical thing to do would be beat her to death.

 

[Heardthebells]

it is not your job to forgive someone who has sinned against God. Yes we have all sinned against God. This man is making a decision about a future wife. Allow me to draw you all a very simple analogy........ You need a new baseball glove. Of course you would play catch with a used, well broken in and worn baseball glove. However, when you decide to go and spend your hard earned money on a 'new' glove, you purchase a glove that is brand new from the store. Jesus spoke in analogies, so have I.
A man will always, ALWAYS, have a better life and a better wife with a woman who is a virgin before he marries her.
If the truth hurts, you are on the wrong side of the shiv.

If you are using a used well broken in and worn baseball glove, just to use, that would not be very Christian like. It is abuse in my opinion. Someone may think that worn baseball glove is perfect for them and God has plans for who that person should be with. You have in other words stolen from your brother.
Hosea and Gomer come to mind.......

That being said, from life experience I would say sex outside of marriage for the most part, causes a great deal of trouble. And if I was to start all over again, I would never have sex until I was married. But the very first thing I would do is find someone that would travel down the road with both of us holding the bible together.

But not for me. As a wise person once said, you make the bed you sleep in.

 

[linssue55]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

Follow your heart and remain celibate, for the Lord honors your beliefs. Virgins are not around much these days, BUT do not go shopping. the Lord will provide, WAIT on Him.
HE knows your desires, pray about it to the Father, THEN RELAX and do not worry, for worry is a sin and it shows you are not trusting in Him! He "WILL" provide the desires of your heart, "IN HIS TIME" WHEN HE KNOWS YOU ARE READY! You are still very young. Don't let others sway your deep seated beliefs. TRUST only in Him!

 

[paulm50]

Follow your heart and remain celibate, for the Lord honors your beliefs. Virgins are not around much these days, BUT do not go shopping. the Lord will provide, WAIT on Him.
HE knows your desires, pray about it to the Father, THEN RELAX and do not worry, for worry is a sin and it shows you are not trusting in Him! He "WILL" provide the desires of your heart, "IN HIS TIME" WHEN HE KNOWS YOU ARE READY! You are still very young. Don't let others sway your deep seated beliefs. TRUST only in Him!

So just sit at home and wait for Got to send one to your door.

I think you'll find God has more pressing things to look after and praises those who go out and do things for them self. At least your approach will save any women the hurt of marrying a man who has priorities above love, friendship and comparability.

 

[paulm50]

The biblical thing to do would be beat her to death.

It seems many here regard women as a possesion, rather than a partner.

Basing their beliefs on a time when women were being stoned to death.

The best way out is to perform a divorce that fits the time. Write out a certificate. So the next owner isn't committing adultery.

 

[JacksBratt]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. In fact, I believe that this is the way God intended it.

Now, having said that. If this is the girl you love, and could be the one God has chosen for you. If she is such a sweet girl and loves God, maybe it's up to you to forgive her as God will have if she has brought it to Him and asked for forgiveness.

If she doesn't have the same high regard for the purity in this area that you do, it may be best to take a good look at both of your stance on the many other moral situations that young people your age have to deal with in your quest for a life long mate.

 

[Grafted In]

Who are you talking to?

Well I guess if that isn't obvious the mod removed far more than it appears.
OP

 

[TorahMan]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

"Avoid women who exhibit any of the four-C's: (Women who) compete, control, criticize or complain. Avoid women who are overachievers or neurotic. Don't get hung up on unavailable women. They're not as special as they think. Choose a wife who complements you and is a good companion. Choose one who will be a good mother." (more at: "Politically Incorrect Advice for Young Men".

This is in addition, of course, to the need for spiritual compatibility.

 

[HolyisourGod]

I'm not understanding the harshness of many of the responses to the post. He wants God's perfect plan and will for his life, and that is two virgins coming together in marriage. He's not limiting the pool and there by lessening his chances of finding a wife. Is God not sovereign? Is God not able to provide for one seeking to walk in His perfect plan and will for our lives? I see in many comments a complete lack of faith and a willingness to walk with the world and its wisdom and not rely upon a sovereign God who wants to give us the desires of our hearts. How much more will He give us our desires when they are His perfect plan and will for us? I am 41 and have kept my virginity seeking the one God has for me. It's only taken so long because I needed healings I only recently received. I want His perfect plan and will for my life and I will continue to pray for a virgin wife. There are many benefits for desiring a virgin wife. People who have fornicated according to studies are 60-80 times more likely to commit adultery. They also bring tons of baggage into a new relationship. They also lack the ability to become one during sex with their spouse. If you use a knife to slice tomatos and then use it to scrape mud and debris from your boot it will no longer preform the task it was designed for...slicing tomatoes. So too is sex when used for a propose it was not designed for. Oneness during sex is lost when sex is used outside God's perfect plan and will for sex which of course is marriage. Can oneness be restored? Yes. God is able. But many though they seek it are not granted it. My friend wait for God. " But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me." Micah 7:7. " Behold, the Lords hand is not so short that it cannot save; Nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1. Tell her you are a virgin and why. Maybe she'll open up and let you know her purity status. On a side note a widow who waited for marriage is sexually pure and would be a good candidate for a wife.

 

[Grafted In]

I agree whole-heartedly with HolyisourGod. Great post.
Wait on God. If you go your own way there will always be a heavy price to pay. Look at some of the examples in Scripture how not waiting on Him has caused grievous concequences. Abraham and Sarah ' s handmaiden. Look at all the strife that is still taking its toll on the whole world. These things are written down as examples for us to learn from. Wait on Him and He'll give you His very best.

 

[razzelflabben]

I'm not understanding the harshness of many of the responses to the post. He wants God's perfect plan and will for his life, and that is two virgins coming together in marriage. He's not limiting the pool and there by lessening his chances of finding a wife. Is God not sovereign? Is God not able to provide for one seeking to walk in His perfect plan and will for our lives? I see in many comments a complete lack of faith and a willingness to walk with the world and its wisdom and not rely upon a sovereign God who wants to give us the desires of our hearts. How much more will He give us our desires when they are His perfect plan and will for us? I am 41 and have kept my virginity seeking the one God has for me. It's only taken so long because I needed healings I only recently received. I want His perfect plan and will for my life and I will continue to pray for a virgin wife. There are many benefits for desiring a virgin wife. People who have fornicated according to studies are 60-80 times more likely to commit adultery. They also bring tons of baggage into a new relationship. They also lack the ability to become one during sex with their spouse. If you use a knife to slice tomatos and then use it to scrape mud and debris from your boot it will no longer preform the task it was designed for...slicing tomatoes. So too is sex when used for a propose it was not designed for. Oneness during sex is lost when sex is used outside God's perfect plan and will for sex which of course is marriage. Can oneness be restored? Yes. God is able. But many though they seek it are not granted it. My friend wait for God. " But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me." Micah 7:7. " Behold, the Lords hand is not so short that it cannot save; Nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59:1. Tell her you are a virgin and why. Maybe she'll open up and let you know her purity status. On a side note a widow who waited for marriage is sexually pure and would be a good candidate for a wife.

nicely stated and the end of this resounds with some of us here. There can be reasons that a woman is not a virgin when yet is still pure in heart. You stated that of a widow, I was molested and my now husbands response of my heart still being pure was very healing. I see no reason to not seek a virgin, in fact, I think that is the wisdom of God. That being said, I also think it is important to not be so rigid that you can't see the purity of the heart through the legalism of the law. I know this is a thought many here have voiced and from where I sit words of great wisdom. Wait for a virgin, while allowing your heart to see the purity of the woman God has for you...amen and amen

 

[paulm50]

Annon77
Have you spoken the the girl yet?

Most of the responses here are treating her as a possession with a lit of plus and minus points. The days of girls being virgins when married were the days when, gilrs married at 13, men owned women, women were nothing more than bearers of children and housekeepers.

If that's what you're looking, ask her how she feels.