Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

[Anon77]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

 

[quatona]

If virginity is your top criterium and your sine qua non, you better ask her straight away.
I don´t understand you either, but since you say you can´t change the way you feel about it, there´s not much use in discussing this, is there?

 

[2ndCovanent]

the whole chapter of 1 Cor 13 tells us about the gifts of the holy spirit and how to use them. We should use our talents/ambitions/value systems and everything we can the same way. That is through love, faith, and hope. These are the most important things we need to carry. Virginity itself should have no weight on how much you love someone. Not even their past.

 

[OldWiseGuy]

If she's practicing "abstinence" she's already had sex. You don't abstain from something you've never done.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

It is your sexuality. Take ownership of it and responsibility for it. If sharing it only with a fellow virgin in a marriage is what is best for you, then that is what you should do.

Your question is like asking "Is it wrong to only want to marry a person who enjoys the same music that I enjoy?". If you are not going to enter an arranged marriage--if you are going to choose who you marry--then of course you should only marry someone who you are comfortable with, can relate to, etc.

I think that marrying a woman who you are not comfortable with just because other people tell you it is the only wise thing to do would be worse than following your own feelings and intentions. You have to consider the effect your behavior will have on the other person. If I was a non-virgin I would not want a woman to marry me because people have told her it is the only wise thing to do even though she really wants to marry a virgin. If a person is not what you really want/need then you should not marry him/her.

Basically you are asking if you are being realistic. Yes, in spite of all of the anecdotal evidence about marriages between virgins not working, I think that you are being realistic.

 

[Kristin E]

I'm a Christian with that being said I commend you for standing up for Gods way!

I was a virgin until around 22-23ish when I married my virgin husband who was 30 at the time. We both remained pure, BEST decision of my life, I have no regrets.

Honestly I would ask her, I asked my husband when we were courting if he was still a virgin and he was honest and not offended at all. Asking is the only way you could possibly know.

I'm not knocking on those who didn't remain pure, BUT as Christians we have the right to choose to marry only Virgins.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

Hello Anon,

I understand what you're experiencing, Anon, and remaining a virgin until marriage is something I wish all of us could do. Unfortunately, as you already know, we live in a Fallen World. Not only that, but we live in an age in which the liberation of sexual impulses has been relegated to the status of a social value, which means that this kind of situation will be doubly complex for those of us who wish to remain virgins until we find a comparable mate. Some of the social complexity we find here accounts for why some of your Christian friends don't "understand" or sympathize with you on this issue; probably they've already failed in this department of life and your presence reminds them of this fact each time they see you.

So. What to do about this? First, you're going to affirm that following Jesus has its social price and wasn't meant to be easy (which is why He indicated that we have to "take up our cross daily"). Second, you'll need to construct a protocol for yourself that will require you to ascertain from each and every potential date (or wife) as to their 'sexual status.' Third, realize that because most people fail in the area of 'sexual purity' in today's world, there will be consistent backlash and resentment each time you purposely ascertain their status.

Fourth, and I separate this from the three previous steps for a reason, you will have to realize that even if you find a "sexually pure woman" to marry, this by no means guarantees that you will have a functional, happy, mutually supportive marriage for life. It also does not guarantee that she will remain faithful to you as you both mature in years into your marriage together. Nor does it mean that you will remain free from temptation as you press on into your future years together.

Fifth, and most importantly............realize that the best person for you MAY or MAY NOT be a virgin. Each of us fails in various ways before the Lord, some sexually, some otherwise, perhaps by way of pride, narcissism, arrogance, rage, lack of charity, lack of mercy, lack of graciousness, or a lack of willingness to forgive others. What is your sin by the way? (Do not answer--I ask this rhetorically). The truth is, the desire for a virgin is good and noble, but in the social and spiritual context that Christ has placed us, it may not necessarily be the best or final criteria by which to build a relationship and/or find a wife. I was a virgin until I met and married my wife, but my criteria were focused primarily on the status of her faith, love, and goodness of heart before the Lord. If Christ can forgive someone of their sexual failures, you might find that Jesus will want you to be willing to do something along that line as well. You may also find that a woman who has something to forgive may love you all the more for overlooking her failures and affirming her, as she will likely have to for you in other respects in life. Ask God to help you discern who the BEST person would be for you!!! Ask Him to help you meet her.

Peace
2PhiloVoid

 

[Cearbhall]

I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

I would say that it's wrong if you think that this lowers her worth as a person or makes her less deserving of respect. However, I don't think it's wrong for you to set whatever restrictions you want as you seek out a romantic partner. No one is entitled to be considered by you in that way. You are not hurting anyone else by turning people down for whatever reasons you please.

 

[muddleglum]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.

How about a widow? If that wouldn't be acceptable, then I would think it was more your "religious flesh" than anything else. Otherwise, read on.

Both Jesus and Paul were strong on, "The two shall become one flesh." So if someone isn't a virgin, are they still one flesh with someone else? Note that this is no longer in the realm of purity, but of practicality: you don't want to commit adultery.

By all means communicate! If you don't learn how to communicate now then when do you expect to learn?

 

[GoldenKingGaze]

For the OP, you are not a sexist pig for placing a value on chastity. You are neither sexist, nor a pig. You have done well by waiting. If you can find a virgin Christian wife to marry, you will be her first love, and that is an honor worth striving for. Think about how much that is worth. Jesus' blood can sanctify a repentant sinner and ready them for marriage. You can still ask for Jesus and receive Christ and Jesus' blood as one who waits. And the sinners who repent are usually faster runners in the race for the things of God, and Mary was the first to Jesus tomb. So if she did not wait she still has it good in Christ and can find a husband.

God is the great match maker, tell him what you want and ask him to give you a wife. The one you are seeing may have waited, but still may not be the one. God sees the heart.

I think you should be open and honest with someone you could marry, before you marry. Tell her your values.

 

[2ndCovanent]

Only seeking a virgin partner doesn't make him sexist or imply he's sexist unless you just want to blame him for having that really high standard. At the same time though, it does make him pretty shallow. I'm pretty sure virginity isn't something you will celebrate with your partner for the rest of your life and your love won't be based on virginity either. If you love someone it shouldn't matter if they are a virgin or not just as the same it doesn't matter if they are good looking or not or if they are charming or not etc. What if your parents decided to not love ignore you as a child because they didn't like something about you like blue eyes or something. And also, would u take someone who has stopped having sex with unmarried partners or is it more of an elite virginity thing?

 

[com7fy8]

If she really is a sweet and kind and honest lady of Jesus, Jesus is her Groom and He is not worried about her past, but how she is, now

So, if Jesus doesn't have a problem with her, why should you?

My opinion is if she is really Christian, you can talk with her about your issue, and she can help you.

But if you don't trust her, I would not push anything with someone I do not trust. I have read various posts about people who say they so love someone, but they do not trust the person enough to talk with the person about something. I think if you love someone for a close relationship, you trust the person

And she might just say she knows God has not shown her that she belongs with you. But because she is a truly Christian lady, she might say, she has been glad to share with you, anyway. A Christian person won't "dump" you because you have issues about the person or you don't want to marry the person; we understand that we need to make sure with God about who we marry and if someone is not interested in us, we give this to God.

And in case we discover that there might be something wrong with a person, this is why the Bible says for us to have "longsuffering" ready > Ephesians 4:2

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

That's very hard, you haven't walked in her shoes. But you care about her, and you would give all that up because she might not be a virgin. I think it's very good, that she turned her life to God and is wearing a purity ring. You have no idea why she may or may not be a virgin. She could have been rape or maybe not. But I would defiantly think of other things, beside weather she's a virgin or not.

 

[Heardthebells]

Anon77 do what "you" think is right. These people are amateurs at life.

 

[seekingsolace]

Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.

Really, regardless of what people say on here, if you are a Christian - it's between you and God. You should know the teaching on the subject, it's your personal virtue.

 

[Cearbhall]

At the same time though, it does make him pretty shallow. I'm pretty sure virginity isn't something you will celebrate with your partner for the rest of your life and your love won't be based on virginity either. If you love someone it shouldn't matter if they are a virgin or not just as the same it doesn't matter if they are good looking or not or if they are charming or not etc.

I agree that it's a shallow way of looking at it, especially considering that "born-again virgins" are theoretically the same in God's eyes, but I feel that it's totally up to him if he wants to limit the pool of potential partners in such a way. I have no problem with that. If he would rather increase his chances of not finding someone than marry someone who hasn't ever had sex, that's his prerogative. And this isn't meant to sound condescending at all. People can set whatever standards they want. The only problem is if they then complain that there aren't enough people who meet their standards.

 

[Dave-W]

If she's practicing "abstinence" she's already had sex. You don't abstain from something you've never done.

????

I do not agree with your definition. What do you call it if not abstinance?
Certainly not celebacy as that is a life-long calling and a charismatic gifting.

 

[Dave-W]

A77 - if virginity is that big a deal for you - that is fine. Stick to your guns.

So if you think this relationship may be headed for marriage - ask her already.

 

[razzelflabben]

My husband and I will have been married 28 years in Aug. I can truthfully say that waiting is the finest gift you can give to your future mate. That being said, let me also point out to you that the newest research is showing that despite the popular belief that sex before marriage is important, the research actually shows that those who wait have a greater chance of avoiding divorce. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is the whole comparison issue, lack of intimate connections, etc.

But back to the OP question. I agree with the poster who says just ask. Tell her how much it means to you and you just want to be clear with one another before things get too serious. If you are even thinking about going down the road that leads to marriage, you will have to learn to be painfully honest in your communication, start now in building that intimacy of communication that will get you through some of the tough times ahead. (my 2 cents)

 

[razzelflabben]

That's very hard, you haven't walked in her shoes. But you care about her, and you would give all that up because she might not be a virgin. I think it's very good, that she turned her life to God and is wearing a purity ring. You have no idea why she may or may not be a virgin. She could have been rape or maybe not. But I would defiantly think of other things, beside weather she's a virgin or not.

excellent point. My brother tried to molest me when I was in high school. I thought it important to tell my now husband before we got too serious. His response was so loving and encouraging that it did a lot to heal that wound. He told me that my heart was still pure, reserved for my husband and him alone.

Something to think about...nothing more or less