Is it wrong to continue dating someone once you know you are not going to marry them?

[mafugma]

No, this actually doesn't involve me right now. It involves a friend of mine who knows that they cannot see themselves marrying their boyfriend, but she still has feelings for him. It's a weird situation I know. So I told her that there's no point in continuing the relationship once you know that it's not going to lead anywhere in the long run. When I said this, her friend completely disagreed with my by saying that you can still spend time with this person and have fun with them ("have fun" is not used sexually here--they are not doing anything sexual). I completely disagreed with them saying that it is a waste of both people's time.

You've stated clearly that it is not you that is doing the dating and your friend is not having intercourse with this other person. It sounds like you are interfering in someone else's relationship when it is really none of your business. Maybe I'm wrong, but your statement reads to me as if you like this girl and are looking for an excuse to break up her and her current boyfriend. I will give my reasons for this statement...

You said, "No, this actually doesn't involve me right now."

Implying that it once did involve you or you are hopeful that it will involve you in the future.

You also say, "When I said this, her friend completely disagreed with my by saying that you can still spend time with this person and have fun with them..."

It sounds as if you made this statement in the presence of her boyfriend with the intent to break them up. It also sounds as if he understands the dynamic of their relationship just fine and would like you to stop interfering.

I noticed that you called the person who disagreed with you "her friend", not "another friend", or "our friend". This sounds as if you do not want to say "boyfriend" as if saying it would make it more real to you. If it is just another friend of hers then they are probably telling you to "back off" in the best interest of their friend.

I know this sounds harsh, but I don't believe that you're being truthful with us that this is a purely Biblical matter. I think you are hurt that this woman you care deeply for doesn't feel the same way about you and you want us to give you a Biblical reason to interfere. Well, I'm not going to. Take it from a person who has been through two failed marriages, you can't make her love you and the tighter you hold on the more you are going to hurt everyone involved. If you can't just be friends with her and that's all she wants from you, then you probably should let her go. I am telling you this for your own good and you will be better once you get through the grief of loosing her. Remember that the Bible should be used to inform others of God's love, not to manipulate them into doing what you want. I hope the best for you and that you find a woman who really digs you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. God bless you.

 

[DiJ]

[If you have been single for a long time then you know there are women in the church who have been LONGING with BROKEN HEARTS until they are old and grey and NEVER gotten married.... How do you think your "nifty" advice/promise sounds to their hearts....?? Realistically.

This thread was based on dating someone after knowing they aren't THE ONE (knowing they aren't going to marry them). My comment was based on the assumption that this person knew in their spirit that God had someone for them. YOUR comments are based on a whole different topic.

Obviously, there are various reasons why people don't marry or remarry. I was not saying that God has someone for every single person. You took my response to the person who initiated this post way too far. I am assuming God has someone for this person.

 

[outsidethecamp]

In my opinion, if God has already confirmed to you that this person is not to be your spouse, there is no reason to continue in the relationship. Date Jesus, per se, and grow in the mighty woman of God that you are called to be until God sends THE ONE: a mighty man of God, to you. Do not settle for anything else.

Ask God to reveal the reason that you are unable to break things off with someone you know you aren't going to marry. Work on that reason while growing in the Lord and waiting for THE ONE!

~ I write, THE ONE, as I do, because it's a joke in the family. My daughter got tired of hearing me talk about waiting for THE ONE. However, in the end, at 28, and still a virgin, she married THE ONE, and God blessed her for it.

Amen! Same thing happened to my wife and same age.

In the "old" days, a young man would come to the father of the girl and state his intentions or the father would notice a young man eyeing his daughter and talking with her and ask, "What are your intentions, son?" The young man would say, "I intend to marry your daughter", and then there would be a time of "courting" the young lady. Any other answer than "intend to marry your daughter", was seen as untrustworthy and fickle. Now, I don't necessarily go with the various legalistic definitions of courtship, today, but a young man should know his intentions (no trying before buying) or else keep his mouth shut and stay in prayer and like you said, "date Jesus".

Too many are defrauded (emotions cheated) today by wishy-washy people. Not only are the young men or women defrauded but so are their families. They are all cheated out of numerouse resources (time, emotions, finances, etc).

 

[malvina]

Exactly!!

I mean, if you want the verses, ok, here ya go. But, His law (law of love) is written in our hearts and you should sense that the Holy Spirit is leading you in a particular way to always show love to your "neighbor".

1Co_6:8 Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren.

1Th_4:6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.

Thankyou 'outsidethecamp' I had to post those words because I cannot help but be straight it is my nature, but I've been loathe to post much on this forum as I cannot relate to so much of what the Christians say here. I see judgementalism and religion - which is a type of 'mind' Christianity that I am not used to.
Reading the bible is good and quoting the scriptures, but if it is done to exclude the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and our relationship with Him - then we haven't got the message. If He is directing our lives then we do not need to ask such questions

 

[outsidethecamp]

Thankyou 'outsidethecamp' I had to post those words because I cannot help but be straight it is my nature, but I've been loathe to post much on this forum as I cannot relate to so much of what the Christians say here. I see judgementalism and religion - which is a type of 'mind' Christianity that I am not used to.
Reading the bible is good and quoting the scriptures, but if it is done to exclude the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts and our relationship with Him - then we haven't got the message. If He is directing our lives then we do not need to ask such questions

I'm lovin what you're saying! Please continue to help out and post that Christ is not religion, not a morality system, not a belief system, not a doctrine, not a book-religion, but Christ is a Person and He is Life. Men have taken the Bible, codified it and created various theological systems of thought. Jesus said, "Come to ME, all ye that are weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest for MY yoke is easy and it is light and ye shall find rest for your souls".

He said "COME TO HIM", not to religion or this religious structure or that religious structure. He did not say follow this great theologian or that great theologian, or this "christian" belief systems or that one.

Praise God for the Holy Spirit, sister!! He does lead us in all truth, but few are inquiring of the Lord these days.

 

[wndwalkr99]

Can anyone provide biblical evidence to support a certain side to this. I believe that it IS wrong to continue dating someone once you are sure they are not the person God has intended you to be with. I find strong evidence in the passage of 1 Corinthians 7 where it explains that God uses singleness as a time for you to grow closer to him. I am curious to see what you guys think about it. Remember, we're assuming you are 100% this person is not the one for you.

It seems to me that you have already decided what you think and you are willing to engage in mental acrobatics to believe that the Bible agrees with you.

 

[outsidethecamp]

This is just another case of someone using the Bible as a"book religion", and if it doesn't say anything about a modern practice and term called "dating", then they assume there is nothing harmful in it. Not to mention the fact that there is much wisdom in the Bible regarding relationships and people who can hear from the Spirit have weighed in with additional wisdom.

Why do anything that even comes close to hurting someone else?

If you have never defrauded or hurt someone else, it's good to learn from the experience of others so you and someone else can avoid the painful experience.

 

[Captain Dippy]

Bible Schmible! You don't need God, man, religious revelation or edict to tell you that leading someone on if you have no intentions of marrying them is just plain wrong! Call it what you will, if that name calling makes you feel better. The fact is, if you engage in that activity you are a user and a Schmuck. A Schmuck is a Schmuck in any religion, or not.
I hesitate to give undue attribution to something that we all know to be self evident and of the common sense. That's my take on it.

 

[ConsideredFaith]

“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:35, NKJV)

I feel it comes down to this. If the other person is holding out hope and that is encouraged by continuing the relationship, that is cruel and unloving. Even explaining, "We're only friends," is always ineffective. The other party hears the words and ignores them. Do as Jesus commanded, make a clean break, and allow the other person to heal and look for the relationship God has planned for them.

1 Thess 4:9, 1 John 3:11, 1 John 4:7


Grace and peace...

 

[outsidethecamp]

Bible Schmible! You don't need God, man, religious revelation or edict to tell you that leading someone on if you have no intentions of marrying them is just plain wrong! Call it what you will, if that name calling makes you feel better. The fact is, if you engage in that activity you are a user and a Schmuck. A Schmuck is a Schmuck in any religion, or not.
I hesitate to give undue attribution to something that we all know to be self evident and of the common sense. That's my take on it.

I guess I was being too subtle. I like your version, too. You bring up good points about self gratification and having one's ego stroked (being a user).

 

[outsidethecamp]

“By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:35, NKJV)

I feel it comes down to this. If the other person is holding out hope and that is encouraged by continuing the relationship, that is cruel and unloving.

That is a good definition of defrauding another person. You are basically a fraud but representing yourself as other than you really are. You are acting as if you are genuinely concerned about the other person's total welfare but you are really only concerned about yourself.

 

[ConsideredFaith]

That is a good definition of defrauding another person. You are basically a fraud but representing yourself as other than you really are. You are acting as if you are genuinely concerned about the other person's total welfare but you are really only concerned about yourself.

I agree, OTC, it is defrauding the other person and therefore clearly unloving...

 

[daleksteve]

Well, the definition of adultery in the gospels say it.Doesn't it ?.

That,s nuts. Of course it does not. Adultery is when you sleep with a women who is not your wife.

Nothing wrong with dating.

 

[outsidethecamp]

That,s nuts. Of course it does not. Adultery is when you sleep with a women who is not your wife.

Nothing wrong with dating.

Since we walk by the Spirit, it is really up to the Lord to tell an individual if they should "date" or not, since He is the ONLY one that knows the thoughts and intents of one's heart. "Dating" means different things to different people, the focus should be on a person's heart and only God knows that. But, we spend our time soliciting opinions of men and never asking the Lord what He thinks. Maybe we really don't want to know.

 

[daleksteve]

Since we walk by the Spirit, it is really up to the Lord to tell an individual if they should "date" or not, since He is the ONLY one that knows the thoughts and intents of one's heart. "Dating" means different things to different people, the focus should be on a person's heart and only God knows that. But, we spend our time soliciting opinions of men and never asking the Lord what He thinks. Maybe we really don't want to know.

God gives us freewill. He dosen't tell us who we should date and not date. I dated the women who is now my wife because i liked her personality and was attracted to her and more importantly she was a christian and held the same values as i do.

As long as you don't sleep with a women before marriage then you are right with God in my opinion.

I once had a way out youth leader once who reckoned holding hands and kissing is adultery if she is not your wife

 

[hiphopopotomus]

So somebody who chooses never to marry or have children should not date?
That is ridiculous.There are many societies in which being a married women implies giving up basic human rights and equates to ownership by the man.
In such societies it is probably a wise women who dates men for the companionship and friendship but does not marry them.

 

[DavidFMayerPhD]

Can anyone provide biblical evidence to support a certain side to this. I believe that it IS wrong to continue dating someone once you are sure they are not the person God has intended you to be with. I find strong evidence in the passage of 1 Corinthians 7 where it explains that God uses singleness as a time for you to grow closer to him. I am curious to see what you guys think about it. Remember, we're assuming you are 100% this person is not the one for you.

My nephew asked me about dating when he was young. I answered, there is only one question to ask yourself: "Is this the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with?" If the answer is "yes", marry her. Otherwise, move on and don't waste her time or yours. He followed my advice and is now a husband of a fine woman and father of five beautiful children.

 

[LynnC]

How can you be unfaithful to a spouse that you don't have yet?

Hi Desk trauma,
...because in dating, as opposed to friendship, you are giving away a piece of your heart, or taking a piece of someone's heart , so that they will not have their full heart to give to their future spouse. Friendship first, and evaluating if this person could be a future spouse before you go about engaging their heart to take a part of it.
Rather than waiting on God and His timing, to show you the person meant for you, dating is pursuing a thing not sanctioned by God merely to suit our own wills... our own desires outside of His will. That is being unfaithful to the person you will one day marry. They will always know that a part of you belongs to someone else.

 

[outsidethecamp]

Hi Desk trauma,
...because in dating, as opposed to friendship, you are giving away a piece of your heart, or taking a piece of someone's heart , so that they will not have their full heart to give to their future spouse. Friendship first, and evaluating if this person could be a future spouse before you go about engaging their heart to take a part of it.
Rather than waiting on God and His timing, to show you the person meant for you, dating is pursuing a thing not sanctioned by God merely to suit our own wills... our own desires outside of His will. That is being unfaithful to the person you will one day marry. They will always know that a part of you belongs to someone else.

When you take away someone's heart (and who knows what else) and then say, "see ya", you just cheated (defrauded) that person and injured your own heart at the same time.

 

[jacobritenour]

It all depends on what you mean by "dating" but with absolutely *no* intention of marrying the person. Does the other person know that you have no intention to marry them? If not, stop right there. You need to let them know. That would universally be the kind answer. Otherwise, you are trying to deceive them by withholding info. That would be morally wrong. Otherwise, the person knows and then does it mean:

1 - You and the other person meeting up for dinner, movie or any other activity but the relationship is simply friendly.

2 - You and the other person are meeting with the hopes for romance or sex?

Option #1 - nothing explicit in the Bible that says you can't do that as long as you are not treating the other person in a way that you yourself would not wanted to be treated.

Option #2 - nothing explicitly in the Bible says you can't do that either simply because "dating" as we know it did not exist in those days. I am a Christian in the Anglican faith tradition. We tend to follow what's called the 3-legged stool: Holy Scripture, Tradition and then Reasoning.

For option #2:

Scripture: nothing there because like I said, "dating" as we know it today did not exist back then.

Tradition: in ancient times this would have been forbidden so we can say pretty much for sure this would not have been allowed.

Reasoning: we are now in modern times. "Tradition" in modern times would say sure, it's ok to do that. But we all know that "tradition" in modern times is completely secular with very little regard to what scripture says. So, let's reason this out. We know for a fact that when a couple has sex (no matter married or not) either an emotional bond is formed or it is not -- usually due to the fact the person may have done this so many times that they no longer have any sensitivity to that bond. If you don't have a sensitivity to this bond, you are in a dangerous place. In this case, if you do decide to get married down the road to either someone else or to this person, that bond will not come to fruition or it will take a VERY long time for it to do so. I do not have any scientific proof to back this up conclusively but I can tell you I have experienced this and have heard others express the same.

I would ask you: is there a reason you or someone else wants to continue "dating" this other person when you have no intention of getting married? If it's because you feel like you have to just be with someone, you may need some therapy to learn how to cope with being alone. This is not a bad thing to do... a lot of people these days have this issue. I would say you should follow the Golden Rule here: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.