Is it wrong to continue dating someone once you know you are not going to marry them?

[Rationalt]

That also addresses post 46 above.

 

[Archivist]

I am confused. In what world being with someone and dating with someone excludes sexual relationships ?.

Again, the OP specifically stated that the couple in question is "not doing anything sexual."

 

[Hetta]

<STAFF EDIT>
FTR, before I was married, I dated guys and we didn't have sex. We didn't go to pottery classes either.

 

[dgiharris]

Is the person you are dating expecting that the relationship will lead to marriage? The other person should certainly be told that marriage is not on the cards. There is no excuse ever for leading a person on. Once the person is told, it is really up to them whether they are willing to continue the relationship.

+1,

I think dating is like any other relationship, one needs to be honest and both parties need to know all the facts and then it is up to each party to make their own decision.

Give you an example. There was this female Project Manager/Assistant Program Manager who was pretty good at her job, but she was surrounded by the "Boy's Club". Every time the Program Manager position would open, they would fill it with some noob who she would have to train. The powers that be didn't think she was Program Manager Material but they kept her around under false pretenses because they didn't want her to quit. They kept telling her, "Next opening will be yours...". She stayed for an extra 4 years and 3 openings that she never got... Finally after the 4th noob Program Manager she finally figured out they were never going to promote her and she quit and became a Program Manager for another Division and quickly rose in the ranks there to Senior Program Manager...

Whether it is business or dating, each party needs to know the full intent of the other party and THEN it is up to each party to make their own decision.

I believe it is wrong for either party to withhold that information. Even if that information is "I'm not sure", then the other party has a right to know that.

I had a friend, very cute and sweet and nice, who was with her boyfriend for 6 years. They lived together, etc and she always would talk about marriage and he would always evade direct answers. A few of us friends pulled her aside one day and had an intervention and told her flat out, "look, he just isn't going to marry you ever. He's had 6 years and doesn't even like discussing the possibility with you. How many more years do you need to waste until you figure it out. You are 28 yrs old now wasting the best years of your life. Every minute you are with him is a minute you aren't with Mr. Right...."

Two weeks after the intervention, she broke up with him and immediately all the single men waiting in the wings for her pounced, and she was married within 14 months from the break up...

I would say that both parties need to be honest, but also, to be fair, the writing is on the wall. We usually just need to have the courage to see it...

 

[Matthias Rose]

I love all the answers that say: "Be honest."

If two people still enjoy spending time together, whether that includes movies, pottery classes, or even some "practice" smooching, that all sounds like a good healthy friendship between people who like each other a lot and are exploring life, but are not ready for marriage with each other.

But if one person is leading another person into a sexual relationship under false pretenses, then I think we can all agree that's wrong.

Of course the OP asked for biblical direction, and the early answers made the point very clearly: "dating" was not something the bible addressed, and as far as we know there wasn't any such activity in the old or the new testament. Personally, I think dating is a pretty solid improvement over some of the old testament preludes to marriage.

 

[Blue Wren]

I've had four years now, with my boyfriend, and don't know if I will marry him. We are happy, yes, but young. We are 19 & 21. No need to even think about marriage, at this age, I don't think. In Sweden, most people marry in their 30s. If we were together, for four years, in our 30s, and I thought we were heading towards marriage & he never had plans, oh, this would be a terrible betrayal, yes.

 

[Eudaimonist]

From my perspective, I'd say that it is okay to continue dating someone as long as that someone is properly informed that marriage never will be an option, and that there is something approximating wise agreement to this news.

Avoid deception. Avoid doing what is uncaring and unwise for one's partner.


eudaimonia,

Mark

 

[Dave-W]

I am confused. In what world being with someone and dating with someone excludes sexual relationship ?.

The World where God limited sexual activity to married couples ONLY.

 

[Pink Spider]

___________________________________________
___________________________________________

MOD HAT ON

This thread underwent an extensive cleanup
by CF-Staff because of Flaming/Goading throughout the
thread.

Please read the CF-Rules:


Flaming and Goading​

● Please treat all members with respect and courtesy through civil dialogue.
● Do not attack another member's character or actions in any way, address only the content of their post and not the member personally.
● NO Goading. This includes images, cartoons, or smileys clearly meant to goad.
● Stating or implying that another Christian member, or group of members, are not Christian is not allowed.
● Only the person to whom the post is addressed may report the other. Anyone may report generalized flames or goads which are addressed to a group of members.
● Moderators have the right to report egregious violations of flaming or goading.
● Clear violations of the flaming rule will result in bans.


MOD HAT OFF

___________________________________________
___________________________________________​

 

[Ada Lovelace]

A few years ago my church hosted a panel discussion with rabbis and priests to discuss the meaning of the Ten Commandments, and I remember the rabbi talking about how "thou shall not steal" encompasses more than just material possessions. He spoke about how it's wrong to steal someone's time, and steal their hope. I think that's what a serious relationship between two fully formed adults (in comparison to one with inchoate teens) where expectations are built and much is invested, and one person strings the other along would be. A theft of hope and time.

 

[Dave-W]

I remember the rabbi talking about how "thou shall not steal" encompasses more than just material possessions. He spoke about how it's wrong to steal someone's time, and steal their hope.

That is entirely legit. I agree.

 

[quatona]

A few years ago my church hosted a panel discussion with rabbis and priests to discuss the meaning of the Ten Commandments, and I remember the rabbi talking about how "thou shall not steal" encompasses more than just material possessions. He spoke about how it's wrong to steal someone's time, and steal their hope. I think that's what a serious relationship between two fully formed adults (in comparison to one with inchoate teens) where expectations are built and much is invested, and one person strings the other along would be. A theft of hope and time.

Assuming the hopes and expectations have been communicated clearly, I would agree.

 

[beaverpond]

I remember in my teens and early twenties dating a lot of young ladies. There was no sex involved. It was all about getting to know each other to see if we were really interested in each other to make a long lasting commitment. If not, no sense in sticking it out.

When the time came when I met the right young lady who is now my wife, things moved quickly. We knew within a month that we were right for each other. We knew that God had brought us together and that He had His hand in this relationship and we were married 10 months after we started dating and after twenty two years we are still together.

My sister's relationship with her boyfriend who became her husband moved just as quickly and they too have also been married for twenty two years.

Difference is her sons are now 19 and our daughter is just about to turn 11. So both of us did not hurry to start a family. Both of us dated the same way. If it was not meant to be, we moved on to the next person we were interested in. We were allowed to start dating when were 16 and not before. We have seen many kids start dating in middle school and early high school and our parents and some parents of today think that is too young.

My brother has three daughters and they all know there will be no dating until they reach at least 16 and they have prove their maturity first. If they can't, then dating will not be permitted.

 

[outsidethecamp]

If a Christian is asking this, then I would ask them what the Spirit of God is speak to them. Why go to man for his opinion, when it is the Lord's opinion that counts? Only the Lord knows the thoughts and intents of an individual's heart.

I would counsel that we are not to defraud one another.

 

[MostRadicalManEver]

Dating isn't in the bible.

 

[mountaindewbass]

I don't see it as an issue to stay with that person you know you will not marry at the time. If that person makes you happy and you enjoy their presence and its a God based relationship, then I would say stick it out. Maybe you will realize that you are in love and will marry that person. In marriage there are times of doubt and struggle within the marriage, you may even wonder if its time to get out of the marriage. But that doesn't mean you simply pack your bags and leave. You wait it out, through the storm, and realize that you really want to be with that person.
So is it good to stay with someone you know you wont marry? That depends on the relationship and how Centered the relationship is in faith.

 

[Dionne005]

I usually don't post but this topic is interesting. Can we define the definition of dating? I think there is a big difference between dating and being in a relationship. Right now im dating someone but we are not in a relationship. I don't know if I want him for marriage yet. It's too soon to tell. I have a very slow and steady personality and I need to know things before jumping the gun. I also believe in making out before a relationship too. When I say making out I mean kissing etc but nothing that deals with being naked, just to be clear. I also believe I have the right to talk to other men because I don't want to put my eggs in one basket since I'm not in a relationship. I am very comfortable with the idea of no strings attached until we really get to know each other. I just think people that jump into relationships are crazy. I prefer to marry a man that's my friend first and then turned out to be my boy friend. And please don't ask me questions like would I kiss my friend because I think by my passage you can tell that I most def would. Anyways I highly agree that we need to take our time of singleness to be one with God but I also believe we need to practice on social skills with the opposite sex too. BTW I am a woman that's 26 and attempting to wait for marriage.

 

[outsidethecamp]

Dating isn't in the bible.

Yeah, either is drinking Coca Cola, but again, it comes down to what is the Spirit of God telling this believer? Either we are led by the Spirit of God or we just have a "Book-Religion" and consult the opinions of men all the time. I am always amazed at these questions of "Can a Christian do this or do that". If you ask the Lord, will He not tell you?

 

[mrfun83]

Sometimes "dating" can be misconstrued for friendships between a single man and woman. I have known widowed and widowers going out to dinner together, and her cutting my Dad's hair. Never crossing the line, as far as I knew. Just companionship amongst two who had extended families and didn't want to complicate them by a marriage.

 

[outsidethecamp]

Sometimes "dating" can be misconstrued for friendships between a single man and woman. I have known widowed and widowers going out to dinner together, and her cutting my Dad's hair. Never crossing the line, as far as I knew. Just companionship amongst two who had extended families and didn't want to complicate them by a marriage.

Legalism is completely devoid of love and man judges on the outward appearance but God sees the heart.