Is it strange to be over the hill and still be single?

OldWiseGuy said:

Couples have to be on the same page to be truly "married".

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I agree. You should never marry a man you can't follow. That's a recipe for disaster.

~bella

I will add the site is good for people who don't have a large social network, limited singles community at church, minimal response on dating apps, and a better environment for introverts and others with communication challenges.

~bella

bèlla said:

Okay, madame matchmaker! I'll bite.

For the majority of the men on the site I'm the wrong fit. They don't need a woman like me. Their lives don't require the qualities and skills I bring to the table. Its overkill. I want a man who needs what I have to offer. He's bettered by my presence in every way. I don't want to be dormant or consigned to a life I'd never choose for myself. I have to be practical.

Many have little to no experience. That's fine when you're in the same boat. But less so when you've dealt with others like yourself. I don't have men who tiptoe around their interest or rely on innuendo to express themselves. They say I like you, I want you, etc. There's no ambiguity.

Being here has taught me a lot. I didn't grow up in Christian culture. I don't have the same ideologies and messages in my head. My family was practical. Marriage wasn't a goal or idol. It was my choice.

When I think of forever I'm visualizing a complement. Someone whose strengths, gifts, and talents match my own. I need something in return. He needs to have it in tow.

ETA: And be in his 30s!

~bella

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I see.
Big shoes to fill.

returntosender said:

I see.
Big shoes to fill.

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Not in the way you think. I'm a simple girl at heart.

When a man is genuinely interested he takes pains to convey how your life will be bettered by him. He sees how he can make a difference. It isn't about sating his loneliness or catching a prize. He's willing to invest.

I need a mature suitor. He needn't be mature in years. But he has to be ready. He can't live in his head. Considering me means 'considering me' not the idea of me. I've heard my share of rhapsodies. But you can't build a future on that.

returntosender said:

Maybe you can phrase that last sentence in a less chauvenist way? "Women are only good for"...

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You have a point, however my last sentence was intended to be humorous (I have a highly developed sense of humor).

bèlla said:

I will add the site is good for people who don't have a large social network, limited singles community at church, minimal response on dating apps, and a better environment for introverts and others with communication challenges.

~bella

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Ouch!

OldWiseGuy said:

Ouch!

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For prospects.

bèlla said:

Not in the way you think. I'm a simple girl at heart.

When a man is genuinely interested he takes pains to convey how your life will be bettered by him. He sees how he can make a difference. It isn't about sating his loneliness or catching a prize. He's willing to invest.

I need a mature suitor. He needn't be mature in years. But he has to be ready. He can't live in his head. Considering me means 'considering me' not the idea of me. I've heard my share of rhapsodies. But you can't build a future on that.

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I can't imagine those expectations being fulfilled anywhere. I wish you success.

returntosender said:

I can't imagine those expectations being fulfilled anywhere. I wish you success.

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We invest in people for a reason. If you tick his boxes he considers it. He won't build a relationship devoid of mutual enrichment. You can't go by feelings alone. There's concrete reasons why you should spend your life with someone.

As @OldWiseGuy shared, "Couples have to be on the same page to be truly "married"."

~bella

OldWiseGuy said:

Couples have to be on the same page to be truly "married". My marriage was a nightmare...for my wife. She couldn't get on board with what I had planned for us, even though I thought I had explained it pretty well before we got married. She left after just four years. I did get a couple of great kids out of her however.

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I wish the highlighted sentence could be a sticky. I've seen that many times. It's usually the result of wrong expectations and forming connections to sate your loneliness. When the honeymoon passes and you're no longer 'fluttering' you realize what you've agreed to. Now you're mad, disappointed, etc. But its your fault.

That's what the front end is for. To make sure you're on the same page and pursuing a joint mission. You can't have forever...let alone a happy forever...without respect, love and admiration. A woman needs that in tow to follow a man. Unless she's subservient.

Belief doesn't begin at the altar. If her regard is genuine she'll follow you before then. And look to you for guidance and support. Because she trusts your leadership and vision. I know the topic intimately. I've done it and all the women I mentored were the same. We don't hold the reins or crave them.

~bella

bèlla said:

I wish the highlighted sentence could be a sticky. I've seen that many times. It's usually the result of wrong expectations and forming connections to sate your loneliness. When the honeymoon passes and you're no longer 'fluttering' you realize what you've agreed to. Now you're mad, disappointed, etc. But its your fault.

That's what the front end is for. To make sure you're on the same page and pursuing a joint mission. You can't have forever...let alone a happy forever...without respect, love and admiration. A woman needs that in tow to follow a man. Unless she's subservient.

Belief doesn't begin at the altar. If her regard is genuine she'll follow you before then. And look to you for guidance and support. Because she trusts your leadership and vision. I know the topic intimately. I've done it and all the women I mentored were the same. We don't hold the reins or crave them.

~bella

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It was more of a conservative vs liberal thing, among other things. I do shoulder most of the blame however.

OldWiseGuy said:

It was more of a conservative vs liberal thing, among other things. I do shoulder most of the blame however.

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Blame flows in both directions and its good you see your part. We learn from our mistakes.

returntosender said:

I am an immature old lady, lol.

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returntosender said:

Maturity, wisdom

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OldWiseGuy said:

You have a point, however my last sentence was intended to be humorous (I have a highly developed sense of humor).

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Maybe Madame OldImmatureLady and and Sir @OldWiseGuy can set an example here.

Sounds reasonable after readin' @returntosender OP Do you use single apps?

It's soup! Wake up! Sir @OldWiseGuy. Return to sender.

Look, your avatars are also complementing each other, similar pose...

...same page,...same same,....two cuties with an awesome sense of humor

GospelS said:

It's soup! Wake up! Sir @OldWiseGuy. Return to sender.

Look, your avatars are also complementing each other, similar pose...

...same page,...same same,....two cuties with an awesome sense of humor

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Have you been bending the elbow?

returntosender said:

Have you been bending the elbow?

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Never tasted wine or anything alcoholic my whole life. I had to look up and google what bending the elbow means.

After browsing this thread, I am surprised that ANYONE gets married or wants to get married anymore.

christiansoccerplayer said:

After browsing this thread, I am surprised that ANYONE gets married or wants to get married anymore.

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On the 'difficult' scale it's off the charts.

Not as much these days. With experiencing all the online dating that I have, there are so many divorces. The one common thread I hear from both single women and single men is that many are so bitter and it's hard to find someone with a good heart.

I feel strange about the inexperience, but if I find someone of good character, they will be understanding and won't put expectations on me to be like their past spouse or what they think a relationship should look like.

I find marriage a great mystery! I believe I suffered Attachment Disorder as a child that was never addressed. I also grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic mother and developed social anxiety. While I tried relationships (including 2 marriages), I have never been as happy married as I have been single. That's not to say I never want company or am always happy but relationships bring stress for me. Just having to share my environment with another person is draining.

I have lived alone for 15 years now. I've dated very little during that time. While I have lived in the same city for 21 years now, I don't have a single guy friend here. What few friends I have are women but no one I see regularly. My best friends are phone/text friends who live nowhere near me. I regularly go stretches of days without leaving the house (other than to go outside or ride my bike) and likewise go stretches where I don't talk. I've found that when I do have occasion to talk a lot my voice gets hoarse from lack of regular conversations.

I have social phobia so group activities are not my thing. I've tried joining clubs with like-minded people but I can't enjoy them. I do best one-on-one. I am not much for small talk. I would rather talk about the things I am reading about and usually prefer writing to talking. Most of what I overhear people talking about when out on dates or with loved ones are things I would tire of quickly. I am thinking about moving and know that any of the places I am considering are places where I would know no one. Given how little I get out, that could be a permanent state of affairs.

In my 20s I was very involved in my church but primarily in a teaching capacity. I have a gift for teaching and taught all ages but my calling was to teach adults. I was able to do so for a long time but then get married and my wife opposed my teaching feeling a husband's sole focus should be on his wife and children and church ministry should wait until his children were grown and gone. That put an end to my teaching. When I taught, I loved the teaching. I could be 100% comfortable in front of a group despite my social anxiety. I even was asked to fill in for a pastor a few times and deliver the Sunday sermon. No problem. I always got great feedback but as soon as the teaching time was over I wanted to leave. Standing around and talking afterward was torture. Home Bible studies were the worst as they were short on study and mostly about fellowship. Fast forward to today. I now attend services from home. My church long offered this option even prior to covid. I used to go in person but always arrived 5 minutes before the service started and slipped in a back entrance to avoid all the greeters at the front door. I would use a side entrance into the sanctuary and sit as close to the back as possible. When the pastor prayed after the sermon I would slip quietly out the back door and be gone. I knew all that was left was a collection and one more song. I could give online or put a check in a box at the back so I didn't need to be present to give. Even when I did stick around to the bitter end I would never have any significant conversations and would be antsy to leave. After a while, I decided to just attend virtually. Being a twice-divorced man is not conducive to being given teaching opportunities. Most churches still see that as a form of leadership even if not in the form of an elder or deacon. Ironically, we will let almost anyone teach children but if you want to teach adults the standards are much higher. I also happen to go to a church that has a strong affiliation with a local Bible college and has on staff many graduates or current students. While I am just as capable, they get all the opportunities. My education is self-taught through books and occasional courses. So now I mostly write and keep a blog.

Being single is not perfect. There are times I wish I had someone to do something with. Sometimes I have to get out when it's been more than a week since I left the house. Just sitting in a restaurant and eating by myself is often all it takes. Just being around other people does the trick. Having daily people contact in the form of a marriage would be a giant change for me. That is something I would have to warm up to over a long period of time if it's even possible. I do struggle at times knowing that I am not sharing my gift(s) as much as I could. I do help a lot of people in many ways but my teaching gift is largely going to waste. It's hard though to teach in a traditional church environment when you have been twice divorced. You've lost that aura of being "above reproach" no matter what the circumstances were for your divorces. I get it. I do know that being single gives me time to read, research, learn, and reflect on things most people never have time for. I just need to find more ways to share that. I don't know that I will ever know the feelings some get from holding hands with a lover, gazing into their eyes, sitting quietly together... Those things might not be for me but God causes all things to work together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)