Is it selfish

[TexasSky]

The same way any married couple makes any decision.
With love, discussion, reason and prayer.

There are always choices in life.
When a person has more than theirself to worry about, there are always compromises along the way.

Single parents have to consider the needs of their children.
Married couples have to consider the needs of their spouses.
Single people with aging parents usually consider the needs of the aging parents.

A godly marriage is a marriage where the couple works toward what is best for the family.

I am 1/2 a century old, and I've never met a SAH-Parent who resented the other parent working, nor have I met the spouse of a SAH-Parent who did not fully approve of and appreciate the SAH-Parent.

 

[BarbBlessed]

A godly marriage is a marriage where the couple works toward what is best for the family.

 

[moonkitty]

I am involved with the PTA, have been on every class field trip and am at the school when ever I am needed and that is with working full time. Taylor is that important to me.

TW is a teacher I can understand her wanting to go back to work when her children are in school. Also, why not help the family finances if you can instead of volunteering? I can see volunteering if you have tons of money and never need extra money, but I don't know a lot of people like that.

WOW! I’m not trying to be mean here, but I’m just rather floored by that statement.

By your standards my family would be considered “poor.” At the moment we have only one income coming because a few years ago I quite my very high stress job as a restaurant manager so that I could go back to college to become a teacher. While college does take up a lot of my time, I could work part time and as you said “help the family finances.” But I don’t--I spent most of my extra time volunteering. Why? Well for one my family, while not rich or well off, has its needs meet. We have a safe roof over our heads, our bills are paid, plenty of food; and clothing that, while not the latest fashion, is clean, fits well and looks nice. At the end of the month we have a little left over to put into savings for our children’s college fund. We budget carefully and are able to have passes for the local museums and sometimes we go out to eat, to the movies, and the occasional vacation. We do not buy name brand anything. So while yes, I could go out and make a little extra money, but why when our needs are met?

So instead I volunteer. First of all I want to teach my children that everyone needs to be part of the solution. We should all help out those that are less fortunate, and/or help out causes that you are passionate about. Even if I had all the money in the world I doubt I would do much different. I do not want my children growing up focused on material goods. I want my children to feel good about themselves because they are good people, not because they have the latest status symbols. I want to teach my children to care about each other and care about people than any material item. Because in the end all that we have is each other.

Right now I am so much more fulfilled as a person than I ever was. I really enjoy my life a lot more now that we live simply and without a high stress job.

 

[jessesgirl]

I'm not the submissive type. I wouldn't want to have to ask. That is just me, I know it doesn't work for everyone.

I'm okay with being the submissive type

You missed what I said, though. I don't ASK to spend money. Since it is "our money" and not just his or just mine....we consult with one another before we spend big amounts. We both have our hobbies and neither of us are mistreated or told no, but it is a respect thing more than it is a submission thing.

 

[jgonz]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

My Mom did not work outside the house, but she was never home. She was always Extremely involved with women's rights' issues, the ERA, and getting a League of Women Voters started in my home town. None of those things paid any money, but she loved it.

I resented her not being around... I thought that her putting her activities and "work" before our family was selfish and I decided Loooong before I actually had any children that if I ended up a SAHM I would actually BE home for my kids.

I do all the paperwork and bills in our house (DH is extremely busy and loves that I do that). We make decisions for big items together, but regular stuff (groceries, makeup, etc.) I just buy. I have a LOT of say over how we spend our money.

 

[CelticRose]

In my household I am the person who manages the finances and it's my husband who asks me if he can spend money.

Same here.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

WOW! I’m not trying to be mean here, but I’m just rather floored by that statement.

By your standards my family would be considered “poor.” At the moment we have only one income coming because a few years ago I quite my very high stress job as a restaurant manager so that I could go back to college to become a teacher. While college does take up a lot of my time, I could work part time and as you said “help the family finances.” But I don’t--I spent most of my extra time volunteering. Why? Well for one my family, while not rich or well off, has its needs meet. We have a safe roof over our heads, our bills are paid, plenty of food; and clothing that, while not the latest fashion, is clean, fits well and looks nice. At the end of the month we have a little left over to put into savings for our children’s college fund. We budget carefully and are able to have passes for the local museums and sometimes we go out to eat, to the movies, and the occasional vacation. We do not buy name brand anything. So while yes, I could go out and make a little extra money, but why when our needs are met?

So instead I volunteer. First of all I want to teach my children that everyone needs to be part of the solution. We should all help out those that are less fortunate, and/or help out causes that you are passionate about. Even if I had all the money in the world I doubt I would do much different. I do not want my children growing up focused on material goods. I want my children to feel good about themselves because they are good people, not because they have the latest status symbols. I want to teach my children to care about each other and care about people than any material item. Because in the end all that we have is each other.

Right now I am so much more fulfilled as a person than I ever was. I really enjoy my life a lot more now that we live simply and without a high stress job.

I am not going to put forth my opinion about it--but Suze Orman-who many people look to for financial guidance- puts forth the same idea as Laurie in regards to volunteering.

 

[Athene]

I don't think that was what I said.

No, it's what you implied.

 

[lucypevensie]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

I was a latchkey kid when I was in kindergarted. I HATED being home alone. I was way too young, I remember sitting on the couch not wanting to go down the hall to my room or the bathroom, watching TV until the next kid came home. By then there was another person to protect me from the monsters that were surely hiding out in the hall closet.

But that is not the reason I chose to stay home with my kids. To me it's a no-brainer - you have kids and then you TAKE CARE OF THEM. anyone who is a parent knows that it takes some sacrifice to be one - OK, A LOT of sacrifice. Sometimes this means we go without buying every single thing we WANT. Our income went down, but so did our spending too. W had to learn to be content with what we had. Because WE the adults were content it naturally followed that our children should learn contentment. Oh sure, there are times when they get the gimmees, but they are not devasted when I say no to a purchase. Disappointed sure, but not angry or bitter. One of my kids has become a diligent money-saver who is able to tell himself no to expensive purchases, no parent required. My other one is still getting there with this concept, but it'll happen some day. Now that both my children are in school I have been able to have a part-time job. I love it. That extra money is so nice to have. But I do not regret ever staying home with my kids.

 

[moonkitty]

I am not going to put forth my opinion about it--but Suze Orman-who many people look to for financial guidance- puts forth the same idea as Laurie in regards to volunteering.

Well I do not know who Suze Orman is, but I am not in debt, I have a savings acount for emergencies, and a college fund for my children. I pay my bills on time, and I live simply and within my means. I'm not extravagant with my money. So I do not see why I would need finical guidance.

ETA: Actually, I do have some debt due to college loans—but nothing that is outside of our ability to pay. My hubby’s college loans are almost paid off, and since we do not have credit cards paying off the college loans have help raise our credit scores. Once I start teaching I will have about $200 college loan payment, but I feel it is an amount that I can afford in order to get a college education.

 

[Laurie919]

I am not going to put forth my opinion about it--but Suze Orman-who many people look to for financial guidance- puts forth the same idea as Laurie in regards to volunteering.

I don't think there is anything wrong with volunteerings. We did a lot of that with hurricane Katrina and also at our church. I personally just can't not imagine doing it as a full time job.

 

[moonkitty]

I don't think there is anything wrong with volunteerings. We did a lot of that with hurricane Katrina and also at our church. I personally just can't not imagine doing it as a full time job.

I do not volunteer as a full time job. Depending on my college classes and my children's need I volunteer between 10-25 hours a week. Sometimes a bit more over the summer since the kids are out of school and can come with me.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

My mom worked full-time and my dad worked full-time. I had an awesome childhood. When my parents worked and I wasn't in school I stayed with my widowed grandmother and all of my cousins. It was really great. My mom did desire to stay home but due to my sisters many health issues as an infant from the time I was 2 on through today my mother has to work in order to pay my sister's medical bills even though we've always had insurance.

I'm home because it is important to my husband and myself that our children are raised by those who love them because they are loved not because it is their job. We also desired for them to be with people who would support the views we had. When I did work out of the home we had friends and family who would watch our daughters but since that support changed we changed with it.


I don't have to ask for money. I do have some income of my own but even that I don't see as "mine." It is family money just as my husband's paycheck is family money. Money we do not share is gift money.

I don't think there is anything wrong with volunteerings. We did a lot of that with hurricane Katrina and also at our church. I personally just can't not imagine doing it as a full time job.

This confuses me a bit. I see volunteering as a way of living, part of having a servants heart, not a job. I'm not communicating what I want to say very well.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

Originally Posted by Laurie919
Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

My mum stayed home the first few years, then when we went to school she went to work. I don't remember the time she was home, too young.
I do remember both parents being gone to work from before we woke up to after we got home from school (my younger sister and I - left us a lot of time to get into trouble!).
It hasn't really impacted my choices, I didn't resent them going to work at all, but it's just not our family philosophy.

 

[TexasSky]

I don't know who Suze is, but I know that Christ told us to take care of the poor, the hungry, the sick, and to visit those in prison. I try to do what I can to help others, and though I have not been unemployed in 36 years, I do a lot of volunteer work. I have friends who did not work, who also did volunteer work. Their families were not "doing without" while they worked. Their society was benefiting from what they did, and often, with volunteer work, you can take your children with you, while on the job you cannot.

Life should never come down to the dollar sign. When it does, you're setting yourself up for harm, because fortunes can be wiped out in a heart beat, no matter how well educated, or how much of a hard worker you are. There are Katrina's, and bank failures, and company layoffs and long term illness waiting around the corners of even the wealthiest people in life.

There is a lot to be said for a person who rather than work to get another play station for a child, will work to feed the hungry instead.

 

[heart of peace]

I only mentioned volunteering as something to occupy a person after his/her child went to school. My point was that it could be one of many things a person does to stay occupied while not having children at home during the daytime.

Shannon, isn't Suze Orman a secular financial advisor?

To respond to one of Laurie's earlier question about having a sahm as a child. Yes, my mother was a sahm and I was grateful that she did stay home with us. I certainly have a heavy conviction to raise my own child because of her example and I thank her for it.

 

[Laurie919]

MsD that is wonderful that you had a great mother.

I think my mom was a good mom, but she was 39 when I was born. She had had a very very hard life and I believe that she was basically "tired" by the time I was born. She allowed me basically to get away with everything and it has hurt me as an adult.

 

[Manna]

MsD that is wonderful that you had a great mother.

I think my mom was a good mom, but she was 39 when I was born. She had had a very very hard life and I believe that she was basically "tired" by the time I was born. She allowed me basically to get away with everything and it has hurt me as an adult.

I truly want to put this gently, and I hope it comes across this way.

Laurie, you've admitted that you let Taylor basically get away with everything as well. Now, I'm not in your home, and I don't see anything other than what you post on this board, so you know the absolute truth of the situation. But that's what's come across by your own admissions. After reading that your mother treated you that way and you were hurt in life because of it, I just can't help but ask -- wouldn't you want to go the opposite route with your daughter to help her have a better adult life than you're saying you've had?

Please believe me, I am not judging in any way here. I know that sometimes I'm not even aware the significance of statements I make, and it helps for someone to remind me of it so I can see the truth. If I'm totally off-base, I apologize!

 

[heart of peace]

My mother is a wonderful woman to me and imho I see her as a living saint!

 

[Laurie919]

I will admit I don't know how to parent (I guess no one does until they have a child). I have read tons of books on it. I try my best, but I have nothing to model after.

We do have rules. I just pray every day that God guides me with decisions I have to make concerning Taylor. She is a basically good child. She gets A's in conduct most of the time. She does her school work and for the most part what she is told, thank God.

I am just not very good with discipline.