Is it selfish

[tiredwalker]

The purpose of education is NOT to get a job.* The purpose of education is to increase your understanding to the enrichment of your life so that -- as with all gifts -- you can better serve your God and your fellow-men.

When a child-nurturer disciplines her children in a more enlightened manner because her readings of Thomas Hardy have given her a more compassionate understanding of human limitations, or plays binary-counting games with children to amuse them in the car and lay a foundation for higher mathematics, or turns a trip to "The Lion King" into a launching pad for a discussion of biodiversity as its dependence on endothermic chemical reactions in plant cells -- she IS using her education.

And the children who get that solid grounding in biochemistry might end up curing cancer or the common cold -- so the greater society DOES benefit from whatever we invested in her education. I personally do use my education in salaried work -- but that's my choice (with which I am very happy) and my calling.

For those who cannot go to University and get a degree, we can still get an education by diligent self-study. A good start might be Susan Bauer's book, "The Well-Educated Mind", which is a guide to self-education for just such motivated people.


*except of course, to the degree that vocational training is included in the broad definition of "education"

Excellent.

During my entire growing up, I watched my parents get BAs and MAs in the following: geology, nursing, managerial accounting, and divinity. They taught us soooo much. How great was it that my dad bought me my own goggles and rock hammer and was able to tell me all about the rocks I was breaking. We'd discuss theology in the car, and even though our minds were young, they taught us how to use reason (that is an interesting point, what made you think that...what about this idea...what about that idea). Even getting stitches turned into a lesson. Now I'm a teacher and my sis is a doctor (hemotology/oncology...looking for that cure for cancer. I don't mean to keep bringing her up, but we're so proud. None of my grandparents finished high school, my parents did a little more, and sis did a little more still).

 

[lucypevensie]

I left my job of 10 years to stay home with our first born. I'd been a vital member of the accounting department of my employer for several years. They were sad to see me go, they really wanted me to stay on, but I said sorry, no. Now here it is 10+ years later. And you know, the company went on just fine without me. They found other people to do my job - there are countless people who can do what I did at that desk every day. My daughter, on the other hand, only got ONE mother, and that was me. I am glad that I chose HER and not my employer.

 

[CelticRose]

An education is never wasted & it is certainly never wasted in the raising, enrichment, & educating of ones own young. My BA is in literature & drama & both have been of inestimable value in raising our children.

 

[AJ29]

...doesn't each parent deserve equal time with the children?

Lets get technical here...

My husband goes out to work from 8am until 6pm 5 days per week, plus spends most Saturday afternoons and Sunday afternoons at work catching up on paper work.

That means that my husband spends about an hour (between 6am when we wake up and 7.45am when he leaves for work) "playing" with the kids.

He also spends about an hour each evening just "playing" with the kids.

That gives him approximately 2 hours each day to just play with them - ie - give them "quality time".

Lets add on the time he spends with them on Saturday and Sunday mornings (2-3 hours of "play" each day) plus time in the evenings (another 1-2 hours).

In total, my husband spends a minimum of 16 hours per week just playing with his kids - we are talking "quality time", not diaper changes, getting them dressed, doing chores etc - we are talking about hopping down on the floor to play trains, build block towers, draw silly pictures, read books etc.

During my week, I cook, I wash dishes, I shop, I do laundry, I iron clothes, I vaccuum, I sweep, I mop, I weed the garden, I run errands etc. In between doing those jobs, I find time to just "play" with my kids. My estimate, would be that I am lucky to spend 2 hours each day, just "playing" with my kids - giving them my undivided attention and just playing with them!

I am not slack. I am not lazy. I work my tail off to keep things in tip top shape around our home! I work just as hard as my husband does, and I am just as tired at the end of the day as he is.

By the time he has done his "work" (outside the home), my husband has a limited amount of time to spend with his kids.

By the time I have done my "work" (inside the home), I have a limited amount of time to spend with my kids (of course I don't neglect them while I go about my other work - I still supervise them at all times!!).

Your question was do parents deserve equal time with the children. You initially insinuated that the working parent was "ripped off" and that the non-working parent is selfish to "not allow" the working parent to spend enough time with the kids.

The truth of the matter is, that in many households (ours is one example, and I am sure there are many more on this forum), BOTH parents spend EQUAL amounts of QUALITY time with their kids, despite their working-outside-the-home hours!

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I am waaaay lte to this thread--but for us it was really simple- I make the baby's food- therefore if one of us is gonna be home it had to be me.

There is a very likely chance that later this will flip--if I finish school and teach, most likely my husband will stay home full time.

At this point--his benefits are much, much better than if we worked out some both working part time scenario--so again there is a practical side to our decision.

My husband does not feel resentful in any way that I am home all day and he is not...lol! actually he might be grateful

 

[progressivegal]

I am waaaay lte to this thread--but for us it was really simple- I make the baby's food- therefore if one of us is gonna be home it had to be me.

There is a very likely chance that later this will flip--if I finish school and teach, most likely my husband will stay home full time.

At this point--his benefits are much, much better than if we worked out some both working part time scenario--so again there is a practical side to our decision.

My husband does not feel resentful in any way that I am home all day and he is not...lol! actually he might be grateful

That's a really cool think to be able to do, have Mom stay home when the kids are younger, and dad when they're older. My parents did something kind of similar. My mom had 8 weeks maternity leave for me, but she also had summers off since she was a teacher, which was really nice. My dad managed a drug store and often would be home in the mornings with my sister and I when before I went to kindergarten (pre-school was 3 days a week, so I was home some days.) It was fun having my dad home (he let me play video games and have cookies afterall!). My Grandparents would take care of us the rest of the time, like when both parents were working or after school when we were older, or when my parents just needed a break. That was great too. I had a really happy childhood with lots of people who loved me taking care of me. Looking back I have wonderful memories of being at home with my mom in the summer time, but I also have wonderful memories of being with my dad at home or over at my grandparents. I feel like having a mom who taught I got the "best of both worlds".

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

That sounds awesome! My husband now often works nights and so he is already around much more often than the average working away from home dad. If he works mornings he is home usually around 4 (unless picking up the kiddos from some activity)...so my kids are very, very blessed (lol! or cursed) to get to see a lot of both parents.

I think if my husband was going to go from some hgih powered job that kept him from home for long hours---he wouldn't ever be able to stay home as a full time parent--I think it'd be far too much shell shock and he'd end up very unhappy. However- as it is, he's already around a whole lot--so I think he'd be cool with it--especially since he'd be taking over when the kids were a little bigger.

 

[OrangeHope]

I would really like to be a SAHM once this baby is born. I don't think it's selfish at all to stay home with your kids! DH and I have talked about this and he would like me to stay home with the baby if possible. but we're not sure cause we'll be moving to the States a little before the baby is born and we're not sure how long it will take for him to get a green card so I might be the one working and he might be the one staying home.

 

[jessesgirl]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to pmcleanj again.

Great post!

And Nikki, I hear you on the 'wasting' you're intelligence part. I did really well at school, then dropped out of uni to be a mum - to many shaking heads. Now though, those same heads say we've been wise to do all we have and have me stay home with the children! Can't win!

I forget who posted it sorry: ) but someone posted about their husbands saying they would rather work another job than have their wife get a job - my DH is the same. He feels pride and meaning to be able to provide for us so I can stay home, and he feels relaxed and reassured when I do.

This is us. He would rather work 3 or 4 jobs (if it ever came down to it) than for me to have to work outside of the home at all. He sees himself as the provider and me as the caretaker. It works for us.

 

[Laurie919]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

 

[GolfingMom]

My mom stayed at home until we were all in school full time.
We plan on doing the same.

 

[jessesgirl]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

I do what I want with our money when I want, too...when we agree on it. I never have to ask permission to spend money. We have a pact, though, that if we spend more than $50, we at least respect each other enough to discuss first.

My mom stayed home with us until my little brother (who is five years younger than me) started school. Then she went back to school and my dad took a job @ our school and stayed home with us at night.

We don't have any underlying reason I stay at home. That's just the way we want it. If you would have asked me when I was 18 if I would ever be a SAHM mom, I'd have told you no way. But I am. It took some getting used to, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. My husband has very, very traditional beliefs when it comes to the wife staying at home. We discussed them when we were dating and put them into action as soon as we got married (I actually quit my job two weeks before we got married).

 

[Laurie919]

I do what I want with our money when I want, too...when we agree on it. I never have to ask permission to spend money. We have a pact, though, that if we spend more than $50, we at least respect each other enough to discuss first.

My mom stayed home with us until my little brother (who is five years younger than me) started school. Then she went back to school and my dad took a job @ our school and stayed home with us at night.

We don't have any underlying reason I stay at home. That's just the way we want it. If you would have asked me when I was 18 if I would ever be a SAHM mom, I'd have told you no way. But I am. It took some getting used to, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. My husband has very, very traditional beliefs when it comes to the wife staying at home. We discussed them when we were dating and put them into action as soon as we got married (I actually quit my job two weeks before we got married).

I'm not the submissive type. I wouldn't want to have to ask. That is just me, I know it doesn't work for everyone.

 

[~Nikki~]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

My mum was/is a SAHM all of our lives, and I'm one too, as are my sister and SIL, so it's not because she *wasn't* at home that I feel I should be. Actually while I was growing up I had enough issues that I would have preferred it if she'd worked 24/7 and left us to get on with things for ourselves.

I'm a SAHM because I feel it's what God wants of me.

With regards to money, I *can* do what I want with our money, when I want to. My dh trusts me totally with our money and I trust him totally with it. Neither of us *have* to ask the other but we'd generally mention it when we do anything other than the usual routine type of spending (groceries etc), just out of respect for the other - not because it wouldn't be ok, but just so the other knows what's going on.

 

[~Nikki~]

My husband has very, very traditional beliefs when it comes to the wife staying at home. We discussed them when we were dating and put them into action as soon as we got married (I actually quit my job two weeks before we got married).

Mine too. I also quit my job (about 2 months) before we got married.

 

[Athene]

I'm not the submissive type. I wouldn't want to have to ask. That is just me, I know it doesn't work for everyone.

In my household I am the person who manages the finances and it's my husband who asks me if he can spend money.

 

[Athene]

How do you decide who is going to be home with the kids and doesn't each parent deserve equal time with the children?

Are you seriously suggesting that SAHMs should go back to work just so that they and their husbands will spend equal amounts of time with the kids?

 

[tiredwalker]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

My DH and I currently work the same amount of hours, but we still discuss how we spend our money. All of the money gets dumped into one account and then designated to others; it would be foolish to just go and spend without discussion. We get our budgeted monthly fun money and we don't have to discuss what we do with it, but anything that's not in the budget gets talked about for various reasons: make sure we stick to the budget, was there an emergency, making sure we can keep all accounts accurate to a dollar.

It's not a control thing, it's a balance and respect thing. If I need new clothes, we work it into the budget. If he needs new shoes, we work it into the budget. Sure we don't have spending sprees, but we don't have to deal with spending sprees (which I like).

 

[Laurie919]

Are you seriously suggesting that SAHMs should go back to work just so that they and their husbands will spend equal amounts of time with the kids?

I don't think that was what I said.

 

[£amb]

Did you guys that stay at home have moms that stayed at home? If they didn't stay home is that part of the reason you think you should be home?

My mom always worked, my dad was very ill and not able to. So, I guess that is part of the reason I think I should work even if I were married.

I like being able to do what I want with my money when I want.

There are 4 in my family so my mom had kids in Elementary, Middle and High School. She worked part-time while we were in school, but once we got older and our schedules got very hectic...she had to stop working. She was split between sport practices and band practices (and whatever else) every evening. I know she was exhausted by the time we laid down to bed.

Though I work part-time again, I do spend some of the money on myself, but a large portion goes to doing things as a family and not just reserved to do what I want to do with it.