Is it me?

[marksaysay]

Today, I called my wife's stepmom, a very spiritual person and my only known supporter from my wife's family, to just update her on things in my life. She ends up telling me that my wife called her dad the day we she found out at court I was fighting for custody. He has known about her activites since the beginning but refused to say his daughter was wrong. But when he found out I was fighting for custody, he told her she needed to get herself together, leave other men alone, and stay her booty (he didn't use that term) at home.

Stepmom goes on to say that Monday night wife posted new pics with her and other man AND pics of our daughter in nothing but panties on Facebook. She wasn't willing to get me that picture but I got someone else to get it for me and I forwarded it to my lawyer. If that is not child endangerment with all the perverts in Facebook and such, I don't know what is.

Hopefully, this will help me get my daughter. I will admit to it being somewhat bittersweet because I never set out to hurt my wife and I know losing custody of our daughter will devastate her BUT it's all about my daughter now and I have to do what's best for her. Add to it all the other stuff I have and I think I may have a pretty solid case.

Please pray for me and my daughter AND my wife.

 

[marksaysay]

For those who have followed my story, there isn't really much to update in terms of my marriage/divorce. Wife is still wayward and has not changed. I have started my second job to help pay for the continued litigation/custody battle. I still haven't spoken to my wife since June. I have a meeting with the GAL next week to start the whole custody process.

The only interesting thing that has happened was that my MIL called my/our pastor a second time asking him to tell me to leave the church so that her daughter could attend the church she grew up in (wife was granted a bogus protective order). She did however get on the judge's bad side when at our status hearing, she told the judge that she'd been trying to contact me numerous times, but I wouldn't respond. He got ticked because she wanted the order and now she admitted to violating it.

Anyway, pastor told MIL that he would not ask/tell me to leave the church. He told her if her daughter really wanted to be there, where was she during the 3 months I left the church. MIL said that 3 of those weeks were spent with her father (which is a lie because I've talked with FIL's wife of 30 years). He said if that was the case, how does she account for the other 9 weeks of the 3 month period.

He told her that even though I was absent for 3 months, I continued to contribute financially. Her daughter didn't come, she wasn't seen at all, she didn't tithe, nothing. I've been back at the church now for a little more than 2 months. And I've decided that even with the protective order, if my wife decides to come, I'm not leaving. We will just both be violating the protective order. Is someone gonna call the cops and have me or her escorted out of church? Everyone there can verify that I've been faithful there throughout.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi mark,
Tough times. I pray they work out for you.

 

[marksaysay]

So everyone has told me to move on. I guess I'm trying to understand what that means. We've been separated for over a year now with the pending divorce. She has continued to live an adulterous lifestyle. People say she has moved on while I say she's living in sin. Are they the same? IDK...

I have had no direct contact with her since June other than court hearings. We've only spoken once since April. I do my own thing and have for a while. I try to keep myself busy. During the spring/summer, I gave hitting lessons in the evenings after work. i started hanging out with some friends from church playing dominoes/backgammon every Tues/Thurs. I now work 2 jobs to support myself. I joined the praise/worship team at church. Other than start dating, which i will not do because i'm still married, what else do I need to do to "move on".

 

[BlueJay83]

look to the future,
make changes in your life that are good for you.
I'm going running and swimming regularly, changed my diet, lost a bunch of weight (19pounds), going to a new church and... I see nothing wrong with meeting someone new. But that is entirely up to you, I wont argue with your viewpoint you have already stated.
I'm attending a counsellig session once a week which has also been great.

I'm spending more time with friends on weekends and I'm not dwelling on the past.
Don't let the past hurts stick in your mind, forget the past and don't let her get you down.
I wish I could have zero contact but unfortunately we have to talk every morning and night so she can chat to the kids on the phone.
She has made her decisions and now she has to sleep in the bed she has made for herself.

I see this as an opportunity to start my life again and be the person she was stopping me from being.

I am making my own bed, a better bed, and I'm not allowing her to soil my new sheets.
I'm not working to support her financially or emotionally anymore, I'm not fixing her boo-boos and I'm letting her live with her own mistakes.

the future is bright, I'm looking forward in anticipation. Things can only get better and if God blesses me with a woman who respects and loves me... that would be awesome too. I've been asked on a date, she seems like an amazing person.

I wish you all the best, I have been reading your updates as you post them.
I hope you are able to emotionally move forward.

 

[marksaysay]

Emotionally, I think I'm doing great. I stopped crying over my marriage a long, long time ago. I think that happened when I came to grips with the fact I couldn't control my wife or really and I truly my own life.

 

[marksaysay]

Update:

My fight for custody of my daughter ended before it really began. The GAL, who'd met with wife and daughter before me, said there seemed to be no reason to give me custody. Daughter seems healthy. The GAL knows about wife's new love and that daughter knows him.

I fought to breakup wife's affair(s), for my marriage, family and daughter. There's nothing left to fight for. I actually realized it was never really my fight to begin with. My wife is a "spiritual pow" and her rescuer is not and never could have been me. The battle is not mine. Its the Lords.

 

[marksaysay]

I was thinking this morning, as I got ready for church, about the personal journey I've been on. I realize that my attempt at getting my daughter, while I believe it would be what's best, was still my attempt to affect my wife somehow. I had ulterior motives and that was to continue to do what I, Mark, could do to change my situation.

Now, I'm like the 4 men who lowered their friend through the roof in order to get him in the presence of Jesus. They had to lower him and "let go of the rope".

Well, I have now let go. My wife is now totally in the care of the only one who has the ability to change her. The fate of my marriage is in Gods hands. The fate of my family is in Gods hands. I have reached the point if total surrender. I realized, now, this is where God wanted me to be all along.

 

[mattyb1982]

My wife and I have been separated for almost a year and going through divorce she initiated after I discovered her infidelity. Throughout all of this, I've tried so hard to stop thinking about her and move on but i haven't been able to completely do so. I haven't spoke with her in over 3 months and I do really well, for the most part.

Is it me who still wants to hold on? Ive believed from the beginning that God could convict her of her adultery and bring her back into a right relationship with him first, and possibly back to the marriage. I still believe he can. It is just so hard when all the time has past I see nothing changing.

I still love her deeply and I know I can't do anything to change her so I just wait on God. Waiting on God is sooooo hard. Yesterday was our anniversary and today has been rough but I have to keep moving.

But I can't stop loving her and that is what's so hard.

I think as Christians we over spiritualize relationships and forget about our biology. There have been studies that has shown that the chemical makeup of being in love is similar to heroin so when a relationship ends you need to detox

 

[Luvmy5grls]

Sounds like you're gaining some great new perspectives & amazing growth in your faith & a closer relationship with Christ. Praise God!

It's also refreshing to read about a Dad who cares deeply for his daughter. I know there are far more like you than not but it's just not my personal experience. You're daughter is blessed.

 

[marksaysay]

I think as Christians we over spiritualize relationships and forget about our biology. There have been studies that has shown that the chemical makeup of being in love is similar to heroin so when a relationship ends you need to detox

I understand what you're saying but biology has nothing to do with one WILLFULLY loving someone. Isn't that what it means to have agape love as the bible teaches us. I make the choice to continue to love my wife, though, in all respects, she doesn't deserve it. It has nothing to do with detoxing and everything to do with my choice.

I understand that willfully loving someone in this way has drawbacks, especially when its a spouse who is committing adultery. I understand choosing to love her will cause some disappointment and hurt, no matter how much time passes. I understand continuing to love her comes with no guarantees of marital reconciliation or restoration.

The New Living Translation words 1 Corinthians 13:7 like this:

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances."

I will never give up on the thought that God can penetrate her heart and soul so that she will again be able to hear him. I will never lose faith that looks at the unseen when all that I see seems to say "not possible". I will never stop hoping that she will repent and restore her relationship with God. I will never stop loving her and that is MY choice.

 

[marksaysay]

So I decided to speed up the divorce process. My lawyers submitted paperwork and it became final 12/22. I still feel horrible. My xw has turned into someone I don't even recognize. Her stepmom of 30+ years (who spent Christmas with her) told me she couldn't even stand to be in the room with the person she's become.

She was boasting about her new love (who lives an hour away) and how she goes out with other guys he doesn't know about. All I can say is WOW! Who is this woman?

Xw contacted my pastor and asked him to arrange a meeting between the 2 of us. She wants the opportunity to give me closure. What closure do I need? She started committing adultery, refused to stop when it was discovered and filed for divorce. She says she wants to be friends. She wants nothing more than to make herself feel better to be able to say she's friends with me after all she's done.

Nope. Don't need it. We haven't spoke in over 6 months because the emotional toll her adultery was having on me was too much. I want to keep it that way for my health and my ability to be a father. I don't have to have a relationship with her to have a relationship with out daughter.

 

[Nanopants]

Before you do anything rash out of the emotions you must be feeling, can I suggest that you refrain until you have reached some clarity?

When my ex-wife left me after she cheated, I reacted naturally to keep her away from me. Later I came to regret it.

I'm not saying things must be one way or another between you two, but rash decisions are never good.

 

[marksaysay]

I wouldn't exactly call it a rash decision. For a number of reasons, it has been this way for 6 months. I'm not sure of your situation, but I fought for a long time for my marriage and my family. I still love my wife as much now as I did the day I married her 11 years ago. To watch her do this has been the most excruciating thing I have ever had to go through. It hurts like he!!.

The only thing that has kept me sane and allowed me to get to the point I now find myself is communicating through a third party. Seeing her and hearing her voice are too much especially when she wants to blameshift and make me responsible for her choices. I didn't make her cheat and commit adultery. She says I'm controlling because when her affairs were discovered, I told her she needed to stop. She says I invaded her privacy when I discovered emails and phone records.

All of that is long gone since we've been separated for more.than a year and divorced now 5 days. It hurts less but it still hurts.

 

[dorig59]

Mark, you're handling things just fine. I don't understand why anyone would criticize or question your actions, but you're doing fine. Hang in there.

 

[Nanopants]

Hate to be a nuisance but, take a look at the first reply in this thread. Perhaps I know what I'm talking about. Coddling someone isn't going to erase the pain of mistakes down the road.

 

[dorig59]

Who is being coddled? The OP (mark) or do you mean his ex-wife?

 

[marksaysay]

Who is being coddled? The OP (mark) or do you mean his ex-wife?

I was wondering the same thing...

 

[Nanopants]

Right. So do you want payback? Do you want to see her punished? I'm not going to judge you for wanting these things, because I experienced it myself. But just being honest here, the decisions you make from that state are not the decisions that you will wish you had made when you come out of it. This isn't about her, it's about you.

 

[dorig59]

Why is it payback or revenge just because he has distanced himself from her? Honestly, in some situations it is for the best to do things this way.