Is attraction necessary for a dating relationship?

[ahmunmun]

Good day, I haven't posted here in awhile due to some unfriendly comments in another subforum, but I've heard good things about this particular area (Christian Advice) and thought I would give this place a try.

If you look at my age (28), you're going to be completely surprised when I tell you that I have not had one boyfriend in my life. I've gone out with guys out of loneliness but I never could get attracted to them. I haven't even been attracted to anyone since I was 18 (so like 10 years ago!). So like, when I was a teenager I used to have crushes, but when I got older I don't know what the heck happened.

Now I have this long time friend who I think has a crush on me. (By the way, if something goes wrong, I have 8 years of friendship to lose with this person so take this into consideration in your advice.) Compared to the other Christian guys who have had crushes on me, this guy shows a lot more respect for me and treats me a lot better. Lots of girls have said he is a good guy. Not to mention we have a close friendship. But am I attracted to him? Not at all. I can't explain why either. If I were to make a rational decision, I would say he likely would be a good husband, but for some odd reason I just don't have that attraction for him. By the way, I am not superficial at all. When I used to get attracted to men (yes, even though I was only 18), I would have to like that person's personality and that would lead to being attracted to his outside even though normally I wouldn't find that type to be good looking.

Have you experienced this before where you think everything about someone makes him a good mate, but for some odd reason, you don't have that feeling of attraction towards that person? If so, please share what you decided to do in the end. Would you just make a rational decision to go for it, or would you just follow your feelings? FYI, I have been praying about it for so long but I feel that I should be speaking to some mature experienced people who can give me Godly advice.

 

[BFine]

You sound a lot like me!
Too scary---

Seriously, yes I have had men who were attracted to me but I didn't
click with them--- yrs. later I found out why, they were bad news.

I've been attracted to men who wouldn't have nothing to do with me (other than
friendship.) One guy was so nice to me at church when I was still single and living in NC...
he would go out and warm my car up for me in the winter time, have chats with me about our favorites TV programs, give me candy/gum etc at church and he always sat behind me and make some silly comment. I thought he really liked me in a romantic type of way but alas, it was all in my head.

I was good friend material, which is like the "kiss of death" as they say down south.

There was a preacher's son who use to talk to me and he was a serious type and he believed in dating with a purpose(seek a wife.) He purposed to me and all that but
I had no attraction or romantic love towards him at all. I did not feel any call on my life
to be a preacher's wife (which he was seeking at the time and he was to take over his dad's congregation upon marriage.)
We parted ways amicably.

I was nearly 28 when I married a nice man who I liked and he was so nice (not a believer)-- I married him. No I wasn't attracted to him but I did like the person he presented himself to being.
Long story made short, he was a professional con artist and the marriage turned into a nightmare. He divorced me and married his mistress.

I got married again in 2002 (Sept) to a Christian man who is Canadian -- we live in Canada.
Was I attracted to him? Yes and no. The yes part would be I was attracted to his faith
and how he displayed it and his integrity. I met his first online, his photo didn't do him justice, so that's where the No comes in...I didn't find him attractive in that photo.
When I met him in person-- WOW!!!
He didn't look like the person in the photo, he'd lost weight and his face wasn't puffy(you know how the camera can make you look even bigger) -- I am not a skinny person but
my face isn't puffy or bloated looking.

We both looked at each other like we'd found a pot of gold-- no kidding!
(Truly we did find gold lol!)

We married within 3 months -- in Sept. we will celebrate 10 yrs. of marriage!

 

[ahmunmun]

Thank you very much for your response. I read your whole post but there are parts that I want to ask you questions on.

I was nearly 28 when I married a nice man who I liked and he was so nice (not a believer)-- I married him. No I wasn't attracted to him but I did like the person he presented himself to being.
Long story made short, he was a professional con artist and the marriage turned into a nightmare. He divorced me and married his mistress.

I am awfully sorry to hear that. So did you have to hold hands and kiss someone you didn't feel attracted to? Based on your experience, would you recommend that I date this person considering that he IS a believer and that I do like what he presents himself but just missing the attraction?

I got married again in 2002 (Sept) to a Christian man who is Canadian -- we live in Canada.
Was I attracted to him? Yes and no. The yes part would be I was attracted to his faith
and how he displayed it and his integrity. I met his first online, his photo didn't do him justice, so that's where the No comes in...I didn't find him attractive in that photo.
When I met him in person-- WOW!!!
He didn't look like the person in the photo, he'd lost weight and his face wasn't puffy(you know how the camera can make you look even bigger) -- I am not a skinny person but
my face isn't puffy or bloated looking.

We both looked at each other like we'd found a pot of gold-- no kidding!
(Truly we did find gold lol!)

We married within 3 months -- in Sept. we will celebrate 10 yrs. of marriage!

Well, this one you were attracted to at least in some ways so it's not the same dilemma I have, but I'm extremely happy for you!

 

[ahmunmun]

Good questions. I honestly don't know. There are NO reasons not to like him, but for some reason I just don't get attracted to anyone and hasn't felt attracted to anyone since I was 18. I've prayed about it for so long to see if my heart is dead or something but God hasn't indicated any major concerns about myself that are so urgent that I absolutely wouldn't miss it.

So your suggestion is dating him. What is your definition of dating? My understanding is that dating is one level down from being boyfriend and girlfriend, and there isn't any physical contact involved (so no holding hands, etc.), but people define dating differently so I want to make sure I understand your advice.

 

[briareos]

Good day, I haven't posted here in awhile due to some unfriendly comments in another subforum, but I've heard good things about this particular area (Christian Advice) and thought I would give this place a try.

If you look at my age (28), you're going to be completely surprised when I tell you that I have not had one boyfriend in my life. I've gone out with guys out of loneliness but I never could get attracted to them. I haven't even been attracted to anyone since I was 18 (so like 10 years ago!). So like, when I was a teenager I used to have crushes, but when I got older I don't know what the heck happened.

Now I have this long time friend who (I think) has a crush on me. Compared to the other Christian guys who have had crushes on me, this guy shows a lot more respect for me and treats me a lot better. Lots of girls have said he is a good guy. Not to mention we have a close friendship. But am I attracted to him? Not at all. I can't explain why either. If I were to make a rational decision, I would say he likely would be a good husband, but for some odd reason I just don't have that attraction for him. By the way, I am not superficial at all. When I used to get attracted to men (yes, even though I was only 18), I would have to like that person's personality and that would lead to being attracted to his outside even though normally I wouldn't find that type to be good looking.

Have you experienced this before where you think everything about someone makes him a good mate, but for some odd reason, you don't have that feeling of attraction towards that person? If so, please share what you decided to do in the end. Would you just make a rational decision to go for it, or would you just follow your feelings? FYI, I have been praying about it for so long but I feel that I should be speaking to some mature experienced people who can give me Godly advice.

You have to be happy with your mate... that's the big thing, and whether or not you find your mate attractive physically, sexually, etc COULD be one of things you need in order to be happy. It may not.

It isn't inconceivable that physical attraction isn't very important to you... most men find that much more necessary than women do and you may find it less necessary than most women... what matters is that you are happy and fulfilled by them and if physical, sexual attraction isn't something you need to be happy then that's fine. We are all different with different needs in relationships, you'd be surprised how much these needs vary from person to person.

That you find physical or sexual attraction less important than most men is completely normal. That you find it less important than most women (if you do) is completely fine.

Understand your own needs, accept them, be proud of them and find someone who meets them and have the audacity to wait for one who does meet them (the most important ones).

I didn't have sex till I was 24 and didn't date till I was 26 and I married my first girlfriend and she later divorced me... so it's quite alright that you haven't been big on relationships

 

[BFine]

"I am awfully sorry to hear that. So did you have to hold hands and kiss someone you didn't feel attracted to? Based on your experience, would you recommend that I date this person considering that he IS a believer and that I do like what he presents himself but just missing the attraction?"

*I didn't have to hold hands or kiss him....I wanted to kiss him and hold hands but
I didn't feel any sexual attraction to him.
(I didn't desire him sexually may be a better way of putting it.) Holding hands
with him and kissing him was OK, nothing to write home about. It wasn't thrilling
but it wasn't icky either. It was like when you kiss the back of your hand, there's
no excitement/no turn on...bland. I hadn't had a guy that had been attracted to me as I was to him
at that time.
I had very few dates...yrs. would pass before I had a date. I didn't sleep around and that
was well known.

I married him because I was a very lonely Christian lady who couldn't find
what she was looking for.... the other guys I had been attracted to only
wanted me a good friend--nothing more. I didn't have anyone telling me
that this wasn't a good idea, when I mentioned that I was getting married
nobody questioned it, they were like-- OH, I'm so happy you finally found someone!

*Would I recommend that you date someone you aren't attracted to?
That is up to you.
I know people who have done that and have even married-- yes, both of them were Christians.
Mind you neither of them are "pretty people" (I am also not a "pretty person" according to a lot
of others) -- I would say it is important that both of you respect one another if you both decide
to pursue a dating relationship.

 

[seeingeyes]

Why date anyone at all? I mean, it's not like you have to have a 'mate'.

 

[briareos]

Yes... "mate" sounds incredibly.... furry. bleh....

 

[Ark100]

Its a bit scary when you just go with the flow when you are not attracted to someone but they have other good qualities.

The question is, what if you go with the flow, and flow towards marriage, and still are not attracted to them? Don't you then get stuck? I really believe some form of attraction matters when you are choosing a life partner.

I would keep praying to God about it if I were you. But the thing is God can/may even direct you to someone who at the time, you may not find very attractive or very appealing. In that case, I would trust God for He sees ahead.

 

[L0NEW0LF]

Perhaps your aren't attracted to anyone because God has made it that way? Maybe you just haven't found the truly right person yet, and when you do find the right person for you, or God finally puts the two of you together, you will finally "click" again as far as attraction goes. Perhaps this man is just meant to be a great friend to you?

Of course, that's how I would look at it. I really don't know, and if you feel like maybe things could work for you and this man, go for it. I don't want my advice to keep what could be a great relationship from happening.

 

[Puptart]

Attraction can grow over time.. but you've got 8 years of friendship with this guy you've said. I would say that nothing is going to just magically "change" at this point, and you should really just set your sights to the future/elsewhere. Life's short, don't waste your time chasing square pegs that "maybe" you can pound into round holes. There's someone out there that you will be attracted to, without having to force it or wait for it to happen.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I didn't find someone to date until I was 27. After a few failed relationships I realized some things.

With my fiance and soon to be wife I am totally attracted to her, although I don't think of to much because that may lead to sinful thoughts. But I am also attracted to her many other ways. Sure her ourside is beautiful, but looks fade over time. I am attracted to her inside. Her kindsness and love of Christ. Her ability to be honest and talk. Her passion to put Christ ahead of me.

So attraction is very important! And part of attraction is also "Would I want to be intimate with this person when I marry them?". If the answer is no then it will cause marital problems down the road.

One big thing I notice both men and women do is make a checklist of what they want in someone. I mean obviously its ok to say "They have to be a christian and truly love God.", but aside from that if you make a list you may not find the one thats possibly meant for you. God gives us someone that we need more then we realize. Someone who may not have fitted your list, but still makes you feel like that beyond special woman you wanted to be!