Is A Year Too Long?

[McScribe]

Is a year too long to struggle with a sense of humiliation and futile anger?

Bear in mind that I'm not just sitting around moping. I'm involved with a new church, struggling to enter university to get a biology degree, and my church involvement is actually in ministry, not just attending, and I moved to spend more time with my own family and look after some aging relations. I have a dog I love.

But the truth is I still feel devastated. I feel humiliated that my wife dumped me so unceremoniously for another woman, tricked me into being civil about it and then when I was far enough away began distancing not merely herself but the kids, until she finally said she wanted nothing to do with me. I feel more upset about that than anything, like I was a total idiot. I feel like I might as well have just been a total jerk about it.

 

[JaneFW]

There is no set time limit for grief. A divorce is a form of death (imo) - a death of hopes and dreams - and it takes time to recover. Anyone who pushes someone with "it's time to get over it" isn't worth listening to. "For everything there is a season ..."

However, if it is seems that grief is taking over life, then some kind of drastic action can help. A resolve to not brood, to take positive steps, to .. sign up for classes .. volunteer for a good cause - these are all positives.

It's important to treat yourself gently and with respect, and not be angry with yourself when grief lingers, yet at the same time, to keep your eyes on the future and on what comes after grief.

 

[Mayzoo]

I do not know you well, but what I have gathered is that maybe during a down period you feel like: "I feel like I might as well have just been a total jerk about it." However, in the long run I think you would have been more humiliated by that behavior than by the circumstances that lead to the divorce.

You were not in control of the circumstances that lead to your divorce, but you were in control of how you reacted to them. You tried to take the "high road" and that is never something to feel badly about.

 

[McScribe]

Thanks for both the replies. I should say that I am trying to do positive things, they are in my OP. I just have these feelings come over me from time to time, and wonder if I should be over it by now. I'm seeing that from the point of view of both who posted that that is not the case.

I wanted to act decently in front of my stepsons, and I felt I ought to try to treat my soon to be ex with respect and kindness even when it was hard to. I know I was not perfect, but I had wanted more mutual understanding and good communication. I feel like an utter fool at times.

 

[hijklmnop]

I can relate on some levels. ITA with what Jane and Mayzoo said as well. There's no set "right" time to grieve what you've been through. I too wish there was a magical point in time when I'll be "done" with whatever baggage I have, but I don't know that I ever will be. I mean, I'll always remember things that happened and they'll always have had some effect on me. But I have noticed that the strength of the negative feelings is slowly but surely weakening as time goes on. It's an ebb and flow thing...one day I might feel great, the next, terrible...but in the big picture, overall, I know I'm healing. I think you probably are, too, but it's hard to see that when you're in a "dip." I can see that you are making efforts to make your "new" life and future a good one, and that is great. Keep up with all the things that make you happy and just give yourself all the time you need to heal. Do you have anyone to talk to about your feelings? That has been a huge help for me (counselling and support group). Also, don't waste time regretting how you handled a situation that was not really within your control. It sounds like you handled your end of it well and she didn't. Just because she didn't respond correctly doesn't undo the "right"ness of your actions. I suspect that in time your stepsons will appreciate your example and see the truth of your character as you live it and your ex-wife's character as she lives her life. Life is a long journey...this is just one small part of it. I often remind myself that "this, too, shall pass." Everything always does.

 

[mjmcmillan]

It's been almost two years since my divorce became final, and--- it's still not over. Something happens to bring it all back to mind and the rejection, abuse and lying still hurts today. Losing stepchildren (all grown), step-grandchildren and pretty much all contact with that part of the family doesn't improve things overmuch either.

 

[JaneFW]

I can relate on some levels. ITA with what Jane and Mayzoo said as well. There's no set "right" time to grieve what you've been through. I too wish there was a magical point in time when I'll be "done" with whatever baggage I have, but I don't know that I ever will be. I mean, I'll always remember things that happened and they'll always have had some effect on me. But I have noticed that the strength of the negative feelings is slowly but surely weakening as time goes on. It's an ebb and flow thing...one day I might feel great, the next, terrible...but in the big picture, overall, I know I'm healing. I think you probably are, too, but it's hard to see that when you're in a "dip." I can see that you are making efforts to make your "new" life and future a good one, and that is great. Keep up with all the things that make you happy and just give yourself all the time you need to heal. Do you have anyone to talk to about your feelings? That has been a huge help for me (counselling and support group). Also, don't waste time regretting how you handled a situation that was not really within your control. It sounds like you handled your end of it well and she didn't. Just because she didn't respond correctly doesn't undo the "right"ness of your actions. I suspect that in time your stepsons will appreciate your example and see the truth of your character as you live it and your ex-wife's character as she lives her life. Life is a long journey...this is just one small part of it. I often remind myself that "this, too, shall pass." Everything always does.

Great advice!!

 

[McScribe]

I can relate on some levels. ITA with what Jane and Mayzoo said as well. There's no set "right" time to grieve what you've been through. I too wish there was a magical point in time when I'll be "done" with whatever baggage I have, but I don't know that I ever will be. I mean, I'll always remember things that happened and they'll always have had some effect on me. But I have noticed that the strength of the negative feelings is slowly but surely weakening as time goes on. It's an ebb and flow thing...one day I might feel great, the next, terrible...but in the big picture, overall, I know I'm healing. I think you probably are, too, but it's hard to see that when you're in a "dip." I can see that you are making efforts to make your "new" life and future a good one, and that is great. Keep up with all the things that make you happy and just give yourself all the time you need to heal. Do you have anyone to talk to about your feelings? That has been a huge help for me (counselling and support group). Also, don't wa
ste time regretting how you handled a situation that was not really within your control. It sounds like you handled your end of it well and she didn't. Just because she didn't respond correctly doesn't undo the "right"ness of your actions. I suspect that in time your stepsons will appreciate your example and see the truth of your character as you live it and your ex-wife's character as she lives her life. Life is a long journey...this is just one small part of it. I often remind myself that "this, too, shall pass." Everything always does.

Thank you. I don't really have anyone to talk to about my feelings. One thing I'm confronting with some difficulty is that the painful feelings are easier to face with anger than grief. It's not productive though. I have family and friends but I don't want to burden them.

You are right, regret and wondering what I could have done better is a vicious circle I need to break out of.

 

[McScribe]

It's been almost two years since my divorce became final, and--- it's still not over. Something happens to bring it all back to mind and the rejection, abuse and lying still hurts today. Losing stepchildren (all grown), step-grandchildren and pretty much all contact with that part of the family doesn't improve things overmuch either.

I know how you feel. A hard part for me is that of course she's not a demon or anything, she's a woman I loved for what I feel were good reasons.

 

[Autumnleaf]

She used you and took advantage of your love for her. That was a despicable thing for her to do. If you resent her she will not lose sleep over it, but you will. You have to forgive her so you can move on. There is a woman waiting out there for you to get over this so you will be able to be with her without the emotional baggage you carry. She prays to God at night for a knight in shining armor. A man she can trust who won't mistreat her. Where oh where are you tonight? When will you come? How long will you make her wait?

 

[McScribe]

This sounds very hopeful. The emotional baggage...how do you get rid of it? It is not just forgiving her, it is my own self doubt. My wondering at my own judgement, or ability to see things clearly.

 

[Autumnleaf]

This sounds very hopeful. The emotional baggage...how do you get rid of it? It is not just forgiving her, it is my own self doubt. My wondering at my own judgement, or ability to see things clearly.

What would you tell your son if he was where you are now in his life. Feeling about himself the way you feel about yourself? People are much harsher to themselves than they would ever want the people they love to treat themselves in their shoes. You have to forgive yourself too. You have to see that you did the best at the time that you could based on what you knew, felt and experienced. You loved and you tried and that is more than many men do. So you got burned. It happens. Don't let regret ruin your life. Stop. Look at what you can learn from this. Leave revenge to the auditors of karma and move on.

 

[McScribe]

Thank you, that sounds like sound advice.

 

[FaithPrevails]

McScribe, you took the high road and did what you honestly believed was the best in order to prevent any more trauma to your children than necessary. That is nothing to regret, IMO. What is regrettable is that your ex took advantage of that and manipulated you in the process.

As others have said, there is not set timeline for grieving. Though, you do need to keep checking to make sure you're not "stuck" in any one stage of the process. Prayer can help discern the difference between processing and being stuck.

Divorce is devastating enough, but to lose your children in the process is an even greater loss. IMO, you do need to experience feelings of grief over that.

I'm sorry that you don't have anyone you feel that you can reach out to IRL. I know how it feels not to want to be a burden to someone. But, our family (hopefully) loves us and want to be there for us to get us through the valleys. I would encourage you to try to find at least one family member or close friend you feel you can open up to - even if you tell them you just need to vent.

for you.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

She used you and took advantage of your love for her. That was a despicable thing for her to do. If you resent her she will not lose sleep over it, but you will. You have to forgive her so you can move on. There is a woman waiting out there for you to get over this so you will be able to be with her without the emotional baggage you carry. She prays to God at night for a knight in shining armor. A man she can trust who won't mistreat her. Where oh where are you tonight? When will you come? How long will you make her wait?

Wise advice.

I heard a saying once that says, "Hanging onto bitterness is like letting someone live rent free in your head."

 

[McScribe]

I'm sorry I didn't see the responses by Faith and DS.

It's hard for me to really judge her. I did feel taken advantage of, though I think she was also afraid. Of what I don't know. Afraid of confrontation and disagreement, probably.

Lately I let myself grieve more about the simple facts. Missing the boys and regretting that things didn't work out, trying not to judge myself or her for it. It's helping.

Thank you for the prayers faith.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I can't imagine the pain of being extricated from your boys' lives like that. I will say that I wasn't trying to suggest that you do judge her, so I'm sorry if my post made it sound that way. Whatever her motivations were, she did not act in the best interest of the boys, IMO.

I'm glad that you are letting yourself grieve more lately and you are most welcome for the prayers.

 

[McScribe]

Hard on the boys too. I can't even imagine, but she told me in her last email that they were doing fine without me. I don't know what to think.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Think that she is telling you what *she* wants you to believe.

 

[YukonKev]

Think that she is telling you what *she* wants you to believe.

+1000

You sound like a really nice guy. So am I.

With all due respect PLEASE don't be naive in your relationships with women. It could have turned out MUCH worse.