Is a marriage without “adultery in your heart” possible?

[anne1246]

Is a marriage without “adultery in your heart” possible?
I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a Christian and a wonderful man. We have planned on marriage in the near future. A problem we have is his wandering eye. He doesn’t just look at women, but he gets theses obsessions. There’s always one woman who he becomes obsessed with for a period of time, this time she’s a stranger who he sees in his class (we’re both college students). He’s never spoken to her or had any contact with her but he stares at her whenever she’s around and thinks about having sex with her. This has happened with other women before.
This situation became unbearable for me, I felt constantly paranoid and devastated. He has said he is doing his best to fix this by getting closer to God and reading the Bible and seeking counsel with other Christians.
I have been looking to God for a way to live with this problem. I realized that what caused me so much pain was the thought that this would never stop and that would be a part of our marriage in the future. I would rather be single than have that life. We are both virgins and have waited for marriage but I can’t imagine marrying him and having sex with him knowing he is obsessing about other people, it would crush me. I don’t expect him to be perfect and never feel lust for someone, but the situation now is too extreme for me.
Am I wrong for not wanting to enter marriage knowing that he will be committing adultery in his heart, a lot? Or is this inevitable in a marriage?

I will deeply appreciate any input.

 

[Conservativation]

Best not marry him

 

[I Art Laughing]

This isn't going to get any better. He is probably going to always be fixated on what he can't have (and when he gets it his attention will turn again). This is not a good sign. Until he gets truly dead to self this won't get any better, and I wouldn't be waiting in the wings (since this won't help him repent). JMO.

 

[chaz345]

He’s never spoken to her or had any contact with her but he stares at her whenever she’s around and thinks about having sex with her. This has happened with other women before. .

How do you know he thinks about having sex with her? Did he tell you are do you just "know" because of how he looks at her?

 

[anne1246]

gets truly dead to self JMO.

what do you mean by "truly dead to self"?

Also, he does feel bad about this. He says that if he could change his thoughts that he would but he can't. I know that he is struggling with this and has been praying for this to get better. But I don't know what to do, I feel like it's not his fault so it wouldn't be fair to him to leave but I also can't continue in this situation unless I know that there's a chance it'll get better.

I have a lot of self-doubt over whether I have unrealistic expectations about the situation.

 

[anne1246]

How do you know he thinks about having sex with her? Did he tell you are do you just "know" because of how he looks at her?

He has been very honest with me about everything and has told me that he thinks about her. Thankfully, I have never met any of the women he obsesses over. Although, I have been around him when his eyes wander to some random woman so I know what the looks are like.

 

[JRSut1000]

Dead to self is an expression that simply means dead (no longer captive) to carnal (sinly) desires. I too for a time dated a young man who had a seemingly minor but popular purity issue. I would have gladly married him, but I knew that I wouldnt be able to say 'yes' (he never asked anyways) if he was still in bondage to this type of sin. On the other hand, I met another young man at a later time. He had been practically living in outright sexual sin BUT God got a hold of him and changed him around a full 180 degrees in the opposite direction. This makes all the difference in the world between a nominal Christian and a truly set-free Christ-follower.

I believe Christ not only died for our salvation, but also to set us free from sin. If he is truly passionate about getting right with God and loving you, he will do whatever it takes to be free of this sexual obsessions. I'm sorry it sounds harsh and in no way am I saying there is no hope. But until you really see change, I'd definitely loosen your grip on the relationship.

P.S. Kudos to his honesty, its a big step to confess sins to one another especially those we love. BUT repentance without change isn't true repentance.

 

[makeitwork]

lust leads to inappropriate content, inappropriate content leads to strip clubs, strip clubs leads to the physical action.
it's not normal for your boyfriend to be lustful, he can't be trusted.

 

[Chaplain David]

Is a marriage without “adultery in your heart” possible?
I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a Christian and a wonderful man. We have planned on marriage in the near future. A problem we have is his wandering eye. He doesn’t just look at women, but he gets theses obsessions. There’s always one woman who he becomes obsessed with for a period of time, this time she’s a stranger who he sees in his class (we’re both college students). He’s never spoken to her or had any contact with her but he stares at her whenever she’s around and thinks about having sex with her. This has happened with other women before.
This situation became unbearable for me, I felt constantly paranoid and devastated. He has said he is doing his best to fix this by getting closer to God and reading the Bible and seeking counsel with other Christians.
I have been looking to God for a way to live with this problem. I realized that what caused me so much pain was the thought that this would never stop and that would be a part of our marriage in the future. I would rather be single than have that life. We are both virgins and have waited for marriage but I can’t imagine marrying him and having sex with him knowing he is obsessing about other people, it would crush me. I don’t expect him to be perfect and never feel lust for someone, but the situation now is too extreme for me.
Am I wrong for not wanting to enter marriage knowing that he will be committing adultery in his heart, a lot? Or is this inevitable in a marriage?

I will deeply appreciate any input.

That wandering eye business is rude to you, sinful for him, and will be a problem for you both if you continue in relationship with him, particularly marriage. My suggestion to you is that you obtain premarital counseling at your church. If you do not have that, please check around (ask your pastor) and perhaps it could be obtained at another church but I'm sure your pastor will help. If you cannot obtain it from a church then a secular counselor would be good but I'd prefer a Christian.

 

[anne1246]

lust leads to inappropriate content, inappropriate content leads to strip clubs, strip clubs leads to the physical action.
it's not normal for your boyfriend to be lustful, he can't be trusted.

He used to have a problem with inappropriate content which is what caused me to end the relationship ~6 months ago. During the 3 months that we were apart he got much closer to God and was able to overcome the issues he had with inappropriate content. I gave him another chance because I saw how far he came. He hasn't had a problem with inappropriate content since then but the underlying problem--the lust, is still there.

 

[hijklmnop]

Dont marry someone with an active lust problem. God has given you great warnings. Imo youd be wise to heed them. Your expectations are not too high, they are perfectly reasonable and dont let his (literally) sick (sex-addicted) mind convince you otherwise.

 

[JaneFW]

I really wouldn't go there. It will only lead to a contentious marriage and never knowing whether you can trust him or not. When marriage is hard enough, why go into it with the dice loaded against you?

From reading your posts, it seems like it's not just one woman, but women plural, so yeah, don't do it.

They aren't unrealistic expectations btw. You want your husband's sexuality to be directed to you, and that's right. Hold on for the one who is sold out on God and on you - and he will be the one who "takes his thoughts captive" and "flees from temptation" (both biblical).

 

[DZoolander]

I'm surprised nobody else has asked this - but how old are you two?

 

[Romanseight2005]

You should be his friend but not his girlfriend. If that is something that you can both manage, that is. I know from personal experience that there is nothing but heartache for you, in terms of marriage. However, you can forgive and love him, in a sisterly way. That is really what is best for you two.Please take this seriously. Marrying him will not make it better.

 

[anne1246]

I'm surprised nobody else has asked this - but how old are you two?

I am 20, he is 22.

You should be his friend but not his girlfriend. If that is something that you can both manage, that is. I know from personal experience that there is nothing but heartache for you, in terms of marriage. However, you can forgive and love him, in a sisterly way. That is really what is best for you two.Please take this seriously. Marrying him will not make it better.

I tried this when we first broke up but it doesn't work for us. He is my best friend and I love his companionship and our lives fit very well in many ways, except this. But I can't imagine being in his life as just a friend.

I am trying to spend some time away from him, and see if he gains some perspective. He has received some christian counseling from our college church group. I think his main issue is that he doesn't see what he's doing is wrong or sinful, his motivation to change anything is simply not to lose me.

I don't want to go through another break-up if I am not entirely sure about my decision. Is spending time away from him the right thing to do? I know that if I continue on like I have, nothing's going to change because he's only motivated when he feels he's dealing with a problem.

He says he doesn't know what he can actually do to change things since he hasn't received any concrete advice on something he should be actively doing. But I don't think he wants to change in his heart, I feel like this has taken over my life now and all I do is try to find a solution.

 

[JRSut1000]

I think you know what to do, at least for now. Unrepentant sin is nothing to play around with, I understand you care about him on a deeper level, but you won't be happy in your marriage if he doesnt get these soulish issues taken care of. And he wont be as motivated to change if you just accept him as is.

 

[hijklmnop]

I am 20, he is 22.



I tried this when we first broke up but it doesn't work for us. He is my best friend and I love his companionship and our lives fit very well in many ways, except this. But I can't imagine being in his life as just a friend.

I am trying to spend some time away from him, and see if he gains some perspective. He has received some christian counseling from our college church group. I think his main issue is that he doesn't see what he's doing is wrong or sinful, his motivation to change anything is simply not to lose me.

I don't want to go through another break-up if I am not entirely sure about my decision. Is spending time away from him the right thing to do? I know that if I continue on like I have, nothing's going to change because he's only motivated when he feels he's dealing with a problem.

He says he doesn't know what he can actually do to change things since he hasn't received any concrete advice on something he should be actively doing. But I don't think he wants to change in his heart, I feel like this has taken over my life now and all I do is try to find a solution.

That last sentence indicates to me that you are in a codependent relationship...NOT a healthy or happy place to be, i know that from experience unfortunately. Look it up and think seriously about the advice you've been given on here. You could save yourself thousands of dollars in counseling and endless heartache just by NOT committing yourself to an unmotivated fixer-upper for the rest of your life. You are young and still free...count your blessings, concentrate on building up your spiritual identity in Christ so you lose the feeling that you NEEd to be with him and you NEED to get him to change.

 

[anne1246]

I think you know what to do, at least for now. Unrepentant sin is nothing to play around with, I understand you care about him on a deeper level, but you won't be happy in your marriage if he doesnt get these soulish issues taken care of. And he wont be as motivated to change if you just accept him as is.

I know you're right. I can't keep things the way they've been. I told him to take a few days away from me to think about what he's going to do because I wasn't going to continue with the situation.

From the responses to this post and to what my heart is telling me, marriage is not something that I can consider under these circumstances. Thank you for making me feel like I am not crazy for being so upset about what he's been doing.

 

[hijklmnop]

I would say break up with him and move on with your life. If God has someone better in mind for you then You will be free to be with that person. If not, you will be free to enjoy a life that is not consumed by trying to fix someone elses problems for them. If this guy is the one, he will do everything it takes to be healed of this problem...which will take a lot of time and help...and come back to you one day, an onviously changed man. But dont count on it.

 

[JRSut1000]

I know there are some who would probably advise you to just get rid of him and I can completely understand that response. I'd probably tell my own daughter that when she gets old enough to be interested in relationships. But I'm not going to tell you that because I know just how hard and cruel that is and sounds. With my 1st boyfriend, he had some purity issues like I said and I was thrilled he was honest about it to me. But I didn't see a drastic change in him, but I kept him for a few years because I truly cared about him and I guess then I was in love with him. But I remember one day he and I were at the church behind the scenes of someone's wedding rehearsal and I felt really disappointed and not hopeful about our relationship. Then we both attended another wedding together, it was at that point I remember thinking 'I dont see he and I at that altar together' and I knew, but I didnt heed what I knew inside.

I dont know what youre experience is going to be and I dont know when or how your boyfriend will change. I know it has to be between he and God though, you are not enough to change him. No one is enough to change him, it's gotta be a repentance thing. I thought for sure that 1st boyfriend would change once he broke the news to me that he was struggling with some issues, and maybe he did a bit but he wasnt 'free'. Looking back now I know the difference between someone who is free and someone who isnt. I guess it's wisdom that comes from experience and just growing up. I'm not much older than you and hopefully the compassion and understanding shows through.