Is a marriage without “adultery in your heart” possible?

[DZoolander]

Hold on a sec...

There have been a couple of things in this whole discussion that have kinda creeped me out. Mostly until now - it's the freedom with which he shares this information with you. Using myself as an example - I didn't feel comfortable discussing (to a limited degree for illustrative points only) my flights of fancy when I was a teenager until well after the fact. I think I was probably in my late 20's - and just discussing "what it was like growing up" with friends of mine - and seeing if there was a common theme.

There's *no* way I would've discussed that stuff with any girl I was ever dating while it was going on.

But...in your last post...here's the part that caught my eye.

I think that he formulates ideas of how these women are in his mind even though he doesn’t know them to fit in with an idea of them being very promiscuous and not very intelligent ( that’s what I’ve understood from what he’s told me).
He told me a few days ago that the idea that it’s okay and completely acceptable to ogle women is something that was always reinforced by his parents, friends, and society in general so he never questioned it.

You mean - he has concocted ideas and fantasies about what the women are actually *like*, personality wise?

That kinda weirds me out. Like - when I was going through my own adolescent phase - girls/women were simply vessels...lol I know that sounds bad - but it's the best way for me to characterize it. In a way - I don't think I ever fantasized about anyone I ever knew. That would have felt like crossing a line. I think in a sense, I sort of took comfort in the anonymity of my fantasies. I certainly didn't go so far as to imagine precursor dialog, what they were like, what kind of movies they preferred, how well they did in class, whether I could discuss philosophy with them, etc.

 

[anne1246]

Hold on a sec...

There have been a couple of things in this whole discussion that have kinda creeped me out. Mostly until now - it's the freedom with which he shares this information with you. Using myself as an example - I didn't feel comfortable discussing (to a limited degree for illustrative points only) my flights of fancy when I was a teenager until well after the fact. I think I was probably in my late 20's - and just discussing "what it was like growing up" with friends of mine - and seeing if there was a common theme.

There's *no* way I would've discussed that stuff with any girl I was ever dating while it was going on.

But...in your last post...here's the part that caught my eye.

You mean - he has concocted ideas and fantasies about what the women are actually *like*, personality wise?

That kinda weirds me out. Like - when I was going through my own adolescent phase - girls/women were simply vessels...lol I know that sounds bad - but it's the best way for me to characterize it. In a way - I don't think I ever fantasized about anyone I ever knew. That would have felt like crossing a line. I think in a sense, I sort of took comfort in the anonymity of my fantasies. I certainly didn't go so far as to imagine precursor dialog, what they were like, what kind of movies they preferred, how well they did in class, whether I could discuss philosophy with them, etc.

I think you misunderstand me, I didn't mean that he makes stories about them in his mind with dialog or anything like them, just that he may attribute certain personality traits or behavioral characteristics to them i.e. promiscuity that make them more attractive to him.

he doesn't go around blurting this out either, but if we're discussing the subject and I ask something like why are you attracted to them? he is honest and tells me the truth. The subject we are having problems with now and stuff that related to it that was going on when we started our relationship is something that I obviously didn't know about for a while. Being in the dark about it really upset me and he has since always tried being upfront about everything, which I really appreciate.

 

[Redheadedstepchild]

Mod hat

Again, this thread was moved to questions by singles.... Married members may respond directly to the OP and only the OP.

ETA recent posts have been cleaned from the thread to align with the rules for the forum.

 

[Isreal]

I don't know if it's possible for some men to let go of the lustful temptations but they can certainly overcome the temptation to act on it. I think many men would lie rather than admit the lust that goes on in their hearts. At an early age, say around 8 years old I stumbled on my first glance of inappropriate content. it wasn't helpful but for me the curious kid but the inappropriate content really didn't make much difference. I was a naughty kid already. Did I say I was very curious?

It's hard to explain the rush that occurs in some mens brains that makes us look and dream. We don't have to gaulk. My wife never accused me of gaulking at girls. But I did peek. Naturally we get excited at some thoughts or visualizations. I was married for over 25 years with many temptations in this area and there were some strong temptations I passed and never once acted on them. I never cheated. Oh but the wife wrecked my family when she got the chance. All those years of happiness went down the gutter in an instant.

Just because one looks or has lustful desires come about doesn't mean they will act on it.

The old cliche is true in a sense.
"it doesn't matter where they get their appetite as long as they eat at home." Keep him satisifed

Yes I think it's nearly impossible for some us to overcome lust but we can still be faithful

 

[suzybeezy]

MOD HAT ON

Ok, a rather extensive thread clean up has occurred to remove off topic posts. Please keep in mind Statement of Purpose: Questions from Singles About Marriage when posting.

What we will not permit is using off topic discussions to circumvent the Married Couples forum guideline about discussing intimate topics.

MOD HAT OFF

 

[Chaplain David]

But according to civil law, it takes the physical act to equate to adultery as grounds for divorce not just thinking about it and the same as grounds or a reason one can use for divorce stated in Scripture.

Are we breaking SuzyBeezy's Mod Hat http://www.christianforums.com/t7637780-11/#post60002341 by talking about this? Doesn't look good for staff to break the rules lol.

 

[DZoolander]

To the OP,

what gets me about this entire thread (once again) is how it's framed and the entire context.

"Is a marriage without adultery in the heart even possible"...

Maybe I'm just way too pedantic when it comes to word choice - but I think how we phrase questions and frame our thoughts has a lot to do with our expectations and realities.

The thing that has set you into motion here, and caused you to ask this question, is a circumstance you're facing while you're unmarried (and with most likely questionably little relationship experience) to draw from. Even in the best of worlds - where you had someone that WAS devoting every waking thought to you (sexual and nonsexual alike) - the question wouldn't even really mean anything. Six months? A year? Two years? That's all pretty meaningless in the whole scope of life.

I would venture to say that someone in their 50's, having been with someone since they were teens, couldn't even speak with authority on it...because who knows what tomorrow will bring? At best - all you're doing is asking people about their subjective experiences within the varying confines of what they've experienced so far.

At 41, am I more able to speak about that within the context of MY relationship, than say I was at 20? Sure. But, I would say that someone 45, 50, 60, under similar circumstances would even be more of an expert within their own realm.

It's the absolutist terms that this implies that kinda bugs me.

Is your beau someone ready for marriage? IMHO no. But that has nothing to do with "is it even possible."

Go out and find someone more at peace with themselves - so they don't cause you such angst. That's probably the best place to start.

 

[Chaplain David]

Nobody's talking about divorce. This couple isn't even married. The Bible calls it adultery and therefore a sin. That's all I quoted.

OOPs! Forgot this thread was moved to singles. No one is supposed to be debating with each other. Relevant responses are supposed to be made to the OP.

 

[JaneFW]

D

 

[Chaplain David]

OOPs! Forgot this thread was moved to singles. No one is supposed to be debating with each other. Relevant responses are supposed to be made to the OP.

 

[Chaplain David]

CHAPLAIN REMINDER
​

I goofed up yesterday as did several of you. We forgot this thread was moved to the "Singles" forum in Marrieds and that we are not supposed to be debating. This is what the SOP says and what we need to follow unless I am performing an official duty. Let's all pull together to make our marriage forums better. Here's the SOP. Please pm me or go to MSC with problems or complains. God bless.

Fellowship forum for the purpose of answering questions from singles. Married members can respond to the the thread. ***All responses must be made to the OP,*** and the OP can ask follow-up questions. ***Debate is not allowed in this forum.*** All of the site wide rules of Christian Forums apply (those rules can be found here).

 

[suzybeezy]

MOD HAT OFF

Thanks for the reminder sacredote, but unfortunately it seems folks can't abide by the rules or this forum's Statement of Purpose: Questions from Singles About Marriage so we are left with no choice but to close this thread.

Its a shame the OP cannot continue to receive the support and advice they seek because others are so involved with having their own voices heard despite numerous attempts to get ya'all to abide by our requests to respect our rules and forum guidelines.

Its exasperating!

MOD HAT OFF

 

[Redheadedstepchild]

Thread has also been cleaned.

There will be no debating/discussing amongst yourselves in this forum. Members who appear to be ignoring mod hats will earn temporary site wide bans.