Introduction possible diagnosis of BPD (possible trigger SA/SH)

[kinsey]

Hello, I hope everyone is well.

I am 41, and am under the care of Mental Health team, I had a breakdown 4 months ago due to dealing with very stressful life events. I had come out of relationship of domestic abuse (sexual abuse as well). I have been in abusive relationships to one degree or another since I was 5. (I was raped in my early 20's by a Christian friend.

I have been trying to gain some understand about myself. I have been concerned for quite some time that I may have BPD. I fit into all the sypmtoms, which I can sum up, in just overwhelming unstable emotions, wave after wave....distressing.....up and down.....I have difficulty handling the emotions which leads me to have self harm thoughts and suicidal thoughts.

I am a Christian and this seriously effects my faith, I can not trust God, I am angry, I feel intense worthlessness and no amount of prayer, bible passages...teaching makes me believe any different, I feel un lovable, I do not trust men full stop and the Holy Trinity is 3 men, I don't wish for them to come close, I believe I am all these horrible things because of my experiences, since childhood. (I struggled with suicidal thoughts since adolescence, I feel utterly wretched. I used to believe God had a purpose for my life....but it has been relentless....then I feel guilty because people do experience worse....although being sexually abused bu my husband was not good. I feel angry...because I wonder why did God plan for me to experience all this....most of my life I have been dealing with way more than I have the ability to bear...and I feel this is proved in my inabilitiy to deal with these awful overwhelming emotions.

I spoke to my Mental Health Nurse and I asked her if it was possible that I do have BPD and she confirmed that is probably the case.....I have been referred for indepth therapy and I am hoping no one will make a big deal about a diagnosis as this could have massive implication for me...but not really change who I am...or what I do. She said I am on all the right treatment etc.....and so there is nothing more to do....the therapy should help, and she says to my credit I must have some abilitiy to deal with things....

I struggle as...a lot of my feelings and thought patterns are anti- what it says in the Bible.....I get over -wrought working out all the thigs I am doing wrong....and I will usually come by a Christian who tells me...it is my sin that is the reason I am ill...or it's a demon....or I haven't truly forgiven someone....that is all the reasons God will not answer my prayers.....there isn't on eare aof my life that is ok.....in my relationships with other people....I have analysed my actions and I have sought advice and been reassured that I did all I could to maintain the relationship....(my sister doesn't speak to me, this seems to be because she loks into my life and see perfect when hers isn't - although this couldn't be further from the truth)....and a friend that fell out with me...because I said no to her....we were planned to have a joint party together and I had to change my mind about it, and she decided to cut me out of her life.

I don't have Christian friends, I can't get in the clique in my church- but I feel that is because they can tell I have mental health problems and they don't want to be involved. I am usually the one crying during the service because of how unworthy I feel or because I feel briefly God's love.....

I'm sorry - I have written a lot....Thank you very much for everyone for listening.....xx

 

[Skymarie]

Wow Kinsey just read your first long post, thank you for sharing all that. Sometimes God puts us through pain and trials and difficult things so we'll draw closer to Him. I know that for me, I have been going through my life's hardest times for 3 years plus. I keep hoping to have learned whatever it is that God wants me to "get" but it goes on and on and it's very hard. But I am building something deeper and more wonderful with the Lord, it is true that we grow most when we are most uncomfortable.
I am not an expert in BPD but I do know the Lord and know that He is your answer and that's not a cliche, its reality. And yeah, I hate Christian cliches more than anything ugh. they are the worst. I know this is long distance but I'm a Christian and I will be your friend. HA! Now you can't say you don't have Christian friends LOL. Feel free to private message me. I will pray for you starting right now. Father in heaven, we know you are mighty to save and to heal. We submit our whole lives to you, even while we are afraid to, even while we know we are far from what you would have us to be. Help us to surrender our whole lives to the control of your Holy Spirit. That we fully trust you as you are worthy and the light of the world. Give Kinsey Father a full and complete cleansing from all guilt, all unforgiveness and cover her in the freeing blood of Jesus by faith. Bring to her memory moment by moment to take every thought captive per 1 Cor. 10:5, demolishing evil arguments that come into her mind, those things that are not from you - that she BELIEVE in your word and apply it faithfully. The battle starts in the mind Kinsey and the Lord wants you to become equipped to do battle using His weapons, Ephesians 6, Ps. 91, Romans 8. Truth will set us free and we thank you God for Jesus and that He has given everything so we can be free. in Jesus awesome mighty name, amen.

 

[bhsmte]

Hello, I hope everyone is well.

I am 41, and am under the care of Mental Health team, I had a breakdown 4 months ago due to dealing with very stressful life events. I had come out of relationship of domestic abuse (sexual abuse as well). I have been in abusive relationships to one degree or another since I was 5. (I was raped in my early 20's by a Christian friend.

I have been trying to gain some understand about myself. I have been concerned for quite some time that I may have BPD. I fit into all the sypmtoms, which I can sum up, in just overwhelming unstable emotions, wave after wave....distressing.....up and down.....I have difficulty handling the emotions which leads me to have self harm thoughts and suicidal thoughts.

I am a Christian and this seriously effects my faith, I can not trust God, I am angry, I feel intense worthlessness and no amount of prayer, bible passages...teaching makes me believe any different, I feel un lovable, I do not trust men full stop and the Holy Trinity is 3 men, I don't wish for them to come close, I believe I am all these horrible things because of my experiences, since childhood. (I struggled with suicidal thoughts since adolescence, I feel utterly wretched. I used to believe God had a purpose for my life....but it has been relentless....then I feel guilty because people do experience worse....although being sexually abused bu my husband was not good. I feel angry...because I wonder why did God plan for me to experience all this....most of my life I have been dealing with way more than I have the ability to bear...and I feel this is proved in my inabilitiy to deal with these awful overwhelming emotions.

I spoke to my Mental Health Nurse and I asked her if it was possible that I do have BPD and she confirmed that is probably the case.....I have been referred for indepth therapy and I am hoping no one will make a big deal about a diagnosis as this could have massive implication for me...but not really change who I am...or what I do. She said I am on all the right treatment etc.....and so there is nothing more to do....the therapy should help, and she says to my credit I must have some abilitiy to deal with things....

I struggle as...a lot of my feelings and thought patterns are anti- what it says in the Bible.....I get over -wrought working out all the thigs I am doing wrong....and I will usually come by a Christian who tells me...it is my sin that is the reason I am ill...or it's a demon....or I haven't truly forgiven someone....that is all the reasons God will not answer my prayers.....there isn't on eare aof my life that is ok.....in my relationships with other people....I have analysed my actions and I have sought advice and been reassured that I did all I could to maintain the relationship....(my sister doesn't speak to me, this seems to be because she loks into my life and see perfect when hers isn't - although this couldn't be further from the truth)....and a friend that fell out with me...because I said no to her....we were planned to have a joint party together and I had to change my mind about it, and she decided to cut me out of her life.

I don't have Christian friends, I can't get in the clique in my church- but I feel that is because they can tell I have mental health problems and they don't want to be involved. I am usually the one crying during the service because of how unworthy I feel or because I feel briefly God's love.....

I'm sorry - I have written a lot....Thank you very much for everyone for listening.....xx

Were you properly diagnosed by a therapist (preferably a phd) trained in identifying BPD symptoms? I ask because you mentioned a mental health nurse and they themselves would not be qualified to make the diagnosis of BPD.

 

[kinsey]

Thankyou Skymarie....I really appreciate that pray.....that's very kind of you to say. xxx

Dear bhsmte....I don't have an official diagnosis....she has referred me on to a psychologist.....

Thank you very much replying...xxx

 

[tonybuck]

the bible says in Isaiah "a bruised reed he will not crush, a smoldering wick, he will not snuff out;in faithfullness he will bring forth justice" and psalm 34:18" The Lord is near the broken hearted, he saves those who are crushed in spirit.", psalm 147:3 He heals the broken hearted and binds up thier wounds"

i wont pretend to know the answers to your questions. but i will say this, you are loved by Jesus. you may not feel it, but you must hold onto it as truth. we all have wrestled with God about the why is our life. i struggle with "really" understand and "really" "feel" Gods love. i get glimpses of it sometimes but will i ever "get" it? idk, its not as important as striving to thrive as a believer in Jesus. Job 13:15 " though he slays me, yet i will hope in him."

as for aversion to men and its correlation to God being represented as a defined gender i have a unique thought. God created both genders. therefore he must embody each genders characteristics. not saying that God is a hermaphrodite, but how could he create, craft and mold each genders characterisitcs if he did not have those qualities himself?

what im trying to get at is that God is the ultimate creator and the ultimate authority. power and authority are culturally, traditionally, historically ascribed to the "male" gender. the use of the male gender to talk about God, a being who even Moses and all the people of the bible have a hard time describing, is in my opinion merely symbolic and semantic. read how God talks to Job after all of his pleading amd complaining! really read what God says about himself and how he questions Job, and then imagine being Job....really gives you a different perspective on how "big" and "eternal" God is and sees himself as.

my heart goes out to you because you have been abused and im sorry you have experienced that. i understand that abuse by a man or men in your life has made you feel this way. The sin of others has left its nasty mark on you. the aversion is all to understandable and quite practically, natural. the bible says to guard your heart too Proverbs 4:23 " Above all else, guard your heart, for everything do flows from it" So guarding your heart is ok, encouraged and approved by God himself and you have the verse to back it up. but not let the devil play the gender card on your God and savior! the enemy will use any, ANY angle to lead you away from Jesus, reading the bible, seeking and maintaining christian fellowship.

as for people in your church avoiding you, honestly....dont give a rip about them. if everyone in your church is like that, find a REAL church asap. Is the leadership treating you like that?

i hope this helps,

God bless,

Tony

 

[kinsey]

DEar Tony,

Thankyou - I really appreciate your reply - it has been a great help. Thankyou

 

[tonybuck]

DEar Tony,

Thankyou - I really appreciate your reply - it has been a great help. Thankyou

Great! i pray it continues to bless you.