Intimacy issues and divorce

[Brian77]

I just want to jump in and say that I can relate to your husband -- and maybe share some of what he may be feeling.

My wife has no hormones; no libido. Throughout our marriage she *tried* to want sex, but it was always for my sake. I think she enjoyed the closeness and intimacy, but never had a passionate desire for me.

Eventually, I shut down with regard to our intimacy. I wanted it. I wanted her. But more than that, I wanted her to really want me. And I couldn't deal with the fact that she just didn't have that drive. I wasn't able to satisfy her -- because she wasn't hungry. I couldn't fulfill her sexual needs, because she didn't have any. She really wanted to be intimate -- but not for the reasons I wanted her to.

My marriage is pretty much a mess right now, so I'm hesitant to offer any advice. But here are a few suggestions:

• try to get him to talk about how he feels. and don't listen just to respond or solve the problem. listen to really understand the pain he's experiencing. I wish so much that my wife would really listen to understand and just bear the struggle -- not just try to slap a solution on it.
• look into ways to increase your libido. it's worth making the effort. there may not be a great solution, or anything that really impacts it -- but it's worth trying.
• be understanding. it seems like you want to be intimate with him, and so it's confusing that he both wants it and doesn't want it. just don't dismiss the pain he's experiencing. it's real, and it isn't always rational.
• checkout the one extraordinary marriage podcast. they deal with intimacy issues a lot, and are very blunt about addressing things. you may find their perspective helpful.

I think you have reason to hope -- it sounds like he's still committed to the marriage. The challenge will be helping him see a reason to hope that things can be better. I have a hard time seeing that in my own marriage, because my wife is no longer really interested in the marriage at all. But you both seem to be committed, and that provides a real opportunity to work on things.

 

[Endeavourer]

I have a hard time seeing that in my own marriage, because my wife is no longer really interested in the marriage at all.

Hi Brian. I'm really sorry for this situation. Does your wife say why she is no longer interested in the marriage? Does she ever say something like "I love you but I'm not in love with you?"