Interconfessional wedding: Attending = supporting?

[PilgrimHeart]

Hi. I'm engaged to be married and am in the midst of trying to plan our wedding with my fiancée. She is feeling extremely anxious and self-conscious especially about inviting guests. A bit of background: We are both Catholic converts with families that are exclusively Protestant, hers in particular very conservative Baptist and generally anti-Catholic. Her family has certainly opposed her becoming Catholic, but at least from where I'm standing, they have been supportive of our relationship. Her parents have agreed to attend the wedding (after more than a year of insisting they would not); her sister has agreed to be her matron of honor. I was pleased about her parents' turnaround; she was, if anything, even more dismayed.

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it. I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.

I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

 

[lben]

When my daughter married a catholic I refused to go to the wedding.

 

[RaymondG]

No it isnt. They could come out of obligation, to have something to talk about after, for the good food at the reception, or to get down on the dance floor(in the name of Jesus, of course). I've been to many weddings and I've never once thought about whether I supported the couple or not....Their choice is their choice and I have no opinion about it.

But, if I were you....I'd scrap the whole wedding, pay a few bucks to go before a judge or a priest in an office and use the wedding money to buy a House, car, or whatever else your new family may need. This way all the stress and worrying about attendance is gone. I am personally not into the whole 5 figure "come look at me I finally found someone willing to marry me" wedding days. But Im not against them either....

 

[PilgrimHeart]

I've never once thought about whether I supported the couple or not....Their choice is their choice and I have no opinion about it.

But you do not oppose it, at least. You do not think attending the wedding would be a negative reflection on your Christian witness, etc. If you felt that, you wouldn't attend.

But, if I were you....I'd scrap the whole wedding, pay a few bucks to go before a judge or a priest in an office...

It is important to us to be married in the context of a Mass, to let our union with each other reflect and glorify the Church's communion with Christ. Whether we do that with a church full of guests or just a couple of witnesses, an office wedding is not what we want.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

When my daughter married a catholic I refused to go to the wedding.

Because to attend would have been to support it, correct?

 

[Albion]

PilgrimHeart, you're probably correct--as concerns most people. But there are others for whom that answer might not fit. In this case, however, the parents at first said they wouldn't attend and then changed their minds about that...and the father will walk his daughter down the aisle (I assume) and the sister will be the matron of honor. Because those roles will be seen by any onlooker as accepting of the ceremony at least, and they know this, that's different from simply sitting in the crowd thinking who knows what. I take it that these decisions mark a softening of their opposition and that they will at least be happy for you both if not accepting of Catholic theology.

You might consider not having it be a Mass with Communion but still a Catholic wedding in the Catholic church. But that might be asking a lot. She may feel that she ought not be the one put in the position to make such compromises.

By the way, it is also all right with the Catholic Church these days to have two ministers involved, the priest and a non-Catholic pastor. I don't know all the details of that kind of thing; perhaps it only applies if the ceremony is in the Protestant church building.

I guess I'm suggesting that since this is SUCH a sensitive matter and you really are faced with 'threading the needle' with so many people's feelings, that you explore with the Catholic officiant how you could possibly finesse the issue. This problem you are facing is quite common, so he probably has a lot of thoughts about what's possible and what is not.

 

[Tolworth John]

You and your wife to be have to talk to her parents to obtain the assurance she needs.
Yes they will judge the wedding service, any surmon, be highly ctitical of the mass , if you are having one.

You and your intended are living your life, not your parrents life.

So communicate with your wife,her family, keep the lines of communication open.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

You might consider not having it be a Mass with Communion but still a Catholic wedding in the Catholic church. But that might be asking a lot. She may feel that she ought not be the one put in the position to make such compromises.

By the way, it is also all right with the Catholic Church these days to have two ministers involved, the priest and a non-Catholic pastor. I don't know all the details of that kind of thing; perhaps it only applies if the ceremony is in the Protestant church building.

We both very much want to have a nuptial Mass, and we've never really considered not having one. It's a very important statement, for us, of who we are (Christians whose union reflects our union with Christ) and what our marriage is (a Sacrament).

I have actually suggested things like having the Baptist pastor involved; she is the one opposed to it, since she does see it as a compromise. I suggested having a Mass in the Baptist church officiated by our Catholic priest, but somehow I doubt that would go over very well.

Our priest, for what it's worth, is also a convert from a Baptist background. He does understand these issues, and I hope will be able to say something irenic and welcoming to our guests.

 

[Albion]

We both very much want to have a nuptial Mass, and we've never really considered not having one. It's a very important statement, for us, of who we are (Christians whose union reflects our union with Christ) and what our marriage is (a Sacrament).

Well, matrimony itself is a sacrament, but you certainly are entitled to have the ceremony you want.

I have actually suggested things like having the Baptist pastor involved; she is the one opposed to it, since she does see it a compromise. I suggested having a Mass in the Baptist church officiated by our Catholic priest, but somehow I doubt that would go over very well.

I see. She's of a mind not to bend over backwards, compromising the nature or look of her own wedding, just to accommodate an unreasonable resistance on the part of her relatives. I can appreciate that, but didn't realize it was so firmly held.

If we then return to your original question, I'd say that the family members agreeing to show up and be part of the ceremony after having said for a year that they would not do so, PROBABLY means that they'll take it all in stride and be happy for you both, even though they feel in their hearts that Catholicism is repugnant. If they at least "behave," and are outwardly warm, that might be enough (and all you can hope for).

 

[PilgrimHeart]

I'd say that the family members agreeing to show up and be part of the ceremony after having said for a year that they would not do so, PROBABLY means that they'll take it all in stride and be happy for you both, even though they feel in their hearts that Catholicism is repugnant. If they at least "behave," and are outwardly warm, that might be enough (and all you can hope for).

It is enough for me; I'm not sure it is enough for her, who will likely imagine their repugnance even if it is not vocalized. I do feel that their being there is important, a statement that they will be there for us in our new family. I was very offended before by their refusal to attend: even acknowledging their rejection of Catholicism, which I grant, it seemed a rejection of us personally.

 

[Greg J.]

I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding

I cannot speak about any obligation to obey your church, however if you both focus on the fact that it is God who is joining you together, it may relieve some of the confusion and stress you have. What does God think about the marriage? What does God think about who attends? What does God think about where or how it will take place? The best path forward is to be yielding to God in everything from your hearts, and it makes various decisions simpler (although sometimes difficult). If you marry under conditions you believe God wants, then you have made all the right decisions, and are less likely to regret your decisions in the future.

Marriage was created by God before Adam and Eve's first born child, long before any church existed.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, 1984 NIV)

 

[Albion]

It is enough for me; I'm not sure it is enough for her, who will likely imagine their repugnance even if it is not vocalized. I do feel that their being there is important, a statement that they will be there for us in our new family. I was very offended before by their refusal to attend: even acknowledging their rejection of Catholicism, which I grant, it seemed a rejection of us personally.

The fact is that you don't know what lies ahead with them. Some parents will write off their children if they change churches, but most do the human thing, which is to initially react with strong opposition and then gradually accommodate themselves to the whole matter and decide that they can live with it, etc. Because they have changed their minds about attending, I think that's encouraging and will most likely lead to a gradually more accepting attitude after you're married.

They'll think of what would happen if they kept up their hostility. What about holidays without all the family, what if there are grandchildren, what good is served by being permanently estranged after all the objections have been verbalized and the wedding has come and gone, etc.

But if your bride feels as keenly as she does about the whole thing, there probably isn't any way for you to make it much better and so you'll simply have to be supportive of your wife's feelings about it.

 

[RaymondG]

But you do not oppose it, at least. You do not think attending the wedding would be a negative reflection on your Christian witness, etc. If you felt that, you wouldn't attend.



It is important to us to be married in the context of a Mass, to let our union with each other reflect and glorify the Church's communion with Christ. Whether we do that with a church full of guests or just a couple of witnesses, an office wedding is not what we want.

Correct, although I was religious for over 30 years, I am now on a spiritual walk. I dont feel that a location or building can have an affect on my spirituality unless I allow it to. And I dont Judge others for their appearance or religious sect.

I respect your desire to have a ceremony...and if you desire it...it should be done.

 

[All4Christ]

I thank God that my family supports me as a daughter above me being a part of the same denomination that they are. I also thank God that they realize Catholics and Orthodox also can be Christians. My entire extended family (all conservative Protestant) attended my Orthodox wedding, and none of them raised a fuss about any differences in beliefs because they care about us as a couple.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hi. I'm engaged to be married and am in the midst of trying to plan our wedding with my fiancée. She is feeling extremely anxious and self-conscious especially about inviting guests. A bit of background: We are both Catholic converts with families that are exclusively Protestant, hers in particular very conservative Baptist and generally anti-Catholic. Her family has certainly opposed her becoming Catholic, but at least from where I'm standing, they have been supportive of our relationship. Her parents have agreed to attend the wedding (after more than a year of insisting they would not); her sister has agreed to be her matron of honor. I was pleased about her parents' turnaround; she was, if anything, even more dismayed.

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it. I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.


I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

I believe you should back off of trying to convince your soon to be wife about her family members who have been very vocal about not supporting the wedding...let her family speak for themselves by they
own words and deeds.

I dealt with the same type of thing when I married and I didn't appreciate being told I was wrong about my family and so called friends who'd opposed the wedding...I even had some who said they would come and be part of my wedding and then right before the wedding they called an cancelled. One of my own brothers told me the day of the wedding that he "don't do weddings", so he didn't come but my other brother did come and even walked me down the aisle...I'd planned on walking down the aisle by myself.
My "friends" who were doing the music "forgot" to bring the music...as you can see, people say one thing but do another but yet they came to my wedding...those same friends also "forgot" the toasting
glasses, even though there was enough time for them to go to their homes an get the stuff they forgot, they choose not to do so. They were also to take photos and their photos were bad, their professionalism went out the window, in fact I couldn't use any of their photos...thankfully my brother
who walked me down the aisle took photos and even put them in a nice wedding album.
It'd been fine if those two friends hadn't of bothered to show up...their wedding day antics added
nothing positive and left me an my husband wondering why they even bothered to show up...

 

[GeorgeJ]

My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

I believe attending should be for support of the couple themselves, and their religious beliefs should not be a factor. Sadly, too many don't feel this way, and they make it a religious issue.

 

[Goodbook]

Christians do not curse, we bless.
If im attending a wedding, it is because someone invited me. Even if their wedding is not a christian one..and they may not even be believers, to go as a guest is to be a blessing to them. If i cannot go and want to support the couple I send them a gift or a card.

I repeat, christians DO NOT CURSE even if the people are enemies of the cross..see Matthew 5:44. I can understand why her parents would not want to go if a they find that they are cursed for not attending a particular church which you have indicated?! Do not be offended if they dont come, but dont force them to if they feel conflicted about going. (And they wont be cursing you if they dont go, because they are christians! ) on your part, dont curse them for not going just cos you snob THEIR church supper every week. Dont be a hypocrite. Everyone has choices and the most important thing is to love God it does not matter where you marry. Baptists love God! (I know cos I fellowship with baptists)

Perhaps to indicate you are happy for them To come why not attend their baptist service sometime and show you are christians who bless.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

I think you are mistaking us, Goodbook. We don't snub or look down on anybody; we certainly don't curse anybody. We do attend her parents' Baptist church on occasion, especially to honor her parents on Mother's or Father's Day. I also attend a weekly fellowship with Baptists. I love Baptists a lot.

 

[All4Christ]

Christians do not curse, we bless.
If im attending a wedding, it is because someone invited me. Even if their wedding is not a christian one..and they may not even be believers, to go as a guest is to be a blessing to them. If i cannot go and want to support the couple I send them a gift or a card.

I repeat, christians DO NOT CURSE even if the people are enemies of the cross..see Matthew 5:44. I can understand why her parents would not want to go if a they find that they are cursed for not attending a particular church which you have indicated?! Do not be offended if they dont come, but dont force them to if they feel conflicted about going. (And they wont be cursing you if they dont go, because they are christians! ) on your part, dont curse them for not going just cos you snob THEIR church supper every week. Dont be a hypocrite. Everyone has choices and the most important thing is to love God it does not matter where you marry. Baptists love God! (I know cos I fellowship with baptists)

Perhaps to indicate you are happy for them To come why not attend their baptist service sometime and show you are christians who bless.

I honestly don't see anything in the OP's post saying that they are cursing his fiance's parents for not being Catholic. Where does he imply that he and his fiancé are snubbing the family members who attend a Baptist church?

 

[All4Christ]

I'm not overly familiar with the Catholic wedding ceremony, but I know ours was very different than the wedding ceremonies at my family's church. We had things we talked about while I was growing up, including some of the things like what would be played while my dad walked me down the aisle, etc. (We meet the priest at the back of the sanctuary in an Orthodox wedding). That honestly was a disappointment for them. Same goes for some things my mom had always planned to do for my wedding once I grew up.

My dad and I ended up walking up into the church together through the doorway and the nave, up to the back of the sanctuary where my priest and husband waited. Doing little things like that helped. It wasn't the same, but we still had our time to talk before "giving me away" to my husband, even if it was at a different place of the ceremony.

This may not help in your situation, but it definitely helped with ours

ETA: We also put together an insert to the program explaining the various parts of the wedding ceremony. My mom helped me put this all together, formatting it, printing and assembling the bulletins, etc. It helped people understand the symbolism and meaning more than they would if they just watched the ceremony.