Interconfessional wedding: Attending = supporting?

[Odetta]

You may be have been greatly offended by your fiancee's parent's initial refusal to attend the wedding, but your fiancee's feelings go much deeper than that. If it were me, I'd consider such a refusal a deep betrayal of the relationship, and a simple change of mind about attending wouldn't simply fix it. Your future in-laws have a lot more ground to cover to repair their relationship with their daughter - because it's clear she doesn't believe their change of heart is genuine.

She could talk to her parents to give them an opportunity to convince her they are sincere in supporting her marriage. However, in doing so, she could discover that they, in fact, aren't as supportive as she would like. Then she can decide if she wants to take what they can give, or not. So a talk may not make her happy, but honestly she sounds pretty miserable now anyway not knowing if they truly support her or not. If you suggest this, she may balk at the idea. I don't think you should go as far as to make it happen if she doesn't want to.

 

[ChristianFromKazakhstan]

Hi. I'm engaged to be married and am in the midst of trying to plan our wedding with my fiancée. She is feeling extremely anxious and self-conscious especially about inviting guests. A bit of background: We are both Catholic converts with families that are exclusively Protestant, hers in particular very conservative Baptist and generally anti-Catholic. Her family has certainly opposed her becoming Catholic, but at least from where I'm standing, they have been supportive of our relationship. Her parents have agreed to attend the wedding (after more than a year of insisting they would not); her sister has agreed to be her matron of honor. I was pleased about her parents' turnaround; she was, if anything, even more dismayed.

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it. I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.

I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

I don't know your future in-laws' hearts, so I really can't interpret their intention and attitude towards your wedding and marriage solely on the basis of their agreement to attend. However, I really want to hope for the better, that their love for daughter and sister has won over the religion-related resentment. I prayed that all will go as good as can be and some hearts would be finally and forever warmed.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

I'm not overly familiar with the Catholic wedding ceremony, but I know ours was very different than the wedding ceremonies at my family's church. We had things we talked about while I was growing up, including some of the things like what would be played while my dad walked me down the aisle, etc. (We meet the priest at the back of the sanctuary in an Orthodox wedding). That honestly was a disappointment for them. Same goes for some things my mom had always planned to do for my wedding once I grew up.

My dad and I ended up walking up into the church together through the doorway and the nave, up to the back of the sanctuary where my priest and husband waited. Doing little things like that helped. It wasn't the same, but we still had our time to talk before "giving me away" to my husband, even if it was at a different place of the ceremony.

This may not help in your situation, but it definitely helped with ours

ETA: We also put together an insert to the program explaining the various parts of the wedding ceremony. My mom helped me put this all together, formatting it, printing and assembling the bulletins, etc. It helped people understand the symbolism and meaning more than they would if they just watched the ceremony.

Yes, it will be very different than what most all of them are used to. For one thing, it is traditional in the Catholic Church (though by no means is this an exclusive tradition) for the bride and groom to walk down the aisle together, rather than the bride to be escorted by her father. We are giving ourselves to each other in marriage, not being given away by our parents. We haven't actually talked about this with her parents yet. I personally would be okay with her dad escorting her, if that's what he wants and feels obligated to do; although I do value the tradition of us escorting each other. I want to do anything I can to smooth this friction, and she feels the same way. On the other hand, they may actually appreciate having as little involvement with the liturgy as possible. It bears mentioning that we are a relatively older couple (forty-ish) and she has been married before; her father did escort her and give her away then. She has lived on her own all during her widowhood and feels being "given away" by her dad now isn't really very appropriate anyway.

We are planning a program or booklet explaining the liturgy and symbolism. I want our guests to understand as much as possible, and, it is my hope, appreciate the beauty of it, even if it is something new and foreign.

 

[All4Christ]

Yes, it will be very different than what most all of them are used to. For one thing, it is traditional in the Catholic Church (though by no means is this an exclusive tradition) for the bride and groom to walk down the aisle together, rather than the bride to be escorted by her father. We are giving ourselves to each other in marriage, not being given away by our parents. We haven't actually talked about this with her parents yet. I personally would be okay with her dad escorting her, if that's what he wants and feels obligated to do; although I do value the tradition of us escorting each other. I want to do anything I can to smooth this friction, and she feels the same way. On the other hand, they may actually appreciate having as little involvement with the liturgy as possible. It bears mentioning that we are a relatively older couple (forty-ish) and she has been married before; her father did escort her and give her away then. She has lived on her own all during her widowhood and feels being "given away" by her dad now isn't really very appropriate anyway.

We are planning a program or booklet explaining the liturgy and symbolism. I want our guests to understand as much as possible, and, it is my hope, appreciate the beauty of it, even if it is something new and foreign.

Just to clarify, I didn't mean to skip the traditional parts of the ceremony . We just added on a walk from outside the church up to the back of the sanctuary where we (my husband, priest and me, plus our sponsors) walked up to the front after the betrothal.

Considering the difference in situations (previous marriage, etc.) that particular situation may not need to be addressed

I'm glad you plan to explain the symbolism and liturgy...it is very important when you have family that comes from a different tradition!

I guess my main point is in my situation, it helped to let them be as involved as they wanted (to the extent that we were comfortable). We joined two families, and it was helpful to let them participate to the extent that they wanted to be involved.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

You may be have been greatly offended by your fiancee's parent's initial refusal to attend the wedding, but your fiancee's feelings go much deeper than that. If it were me, I'd consider such a refusal a deep betrayal of the relationship, and a simple change of mind about attending wouldn't simply fix it. Your future in-laws have a lot more ground to cover to repair their relationship with their daughter - because it's clear she doesn't believe their change of heart is genuine.

It is sad to say, that she was so used to them treating her this way before that she didn't immediately understand why I would be offended. In her mind, their rejection was perfectly justified by their "standing for what they believe." But it is a huge deal, I told her, and it is a deep betrayal, to allow sectarian disagreements stand in the way of their love for their children. And no, the relationship isn't "fixed" by this change of mind. It's not clear that is genuine, and my fiancée certainly doesn't believe it is. She believes they are only coming out of obligation, to save their own face and avoid the embarrassment of not appearing to support their own daughter. She cannot conceive of her parents being there without judging us, judging the liturgy, and condemning everything. If anything, as I said, she is much more dismayed now that they are attending than she was before. At least when they were not coming, she had a possibility of enjoying the day without their condemnation hanging over her head.

For my part, I'm grasping at straws. At least their attendance gives the appearance of support for us. Symbolic gestures are important. Just as their not being there would be a scandal and an embarrassment for them, it would be a shame to us, and a public display of their disapprobation.

It's probably true that we do not have her parents real and full support. But she tends to project her parents' condemnation on all the members of her old church and all her family -- such that when she imagines the wedding, she imagines not a crowd of well-wishing witnesses, but a host of judging and condemning eyes. It is pretty miserable. What I want to convince her of is this: Her parents may very well be coming out of a sense of obligation; but her extended family and her friends are certainly not obligated, and if they come, I do believe there is a reasonable belief that they are coming to support us and not condemn us.

She could talk to her parents to give them an opportunity to convince her they are sincere in supporting her marriage. However, in doing so, she could discover that they, in fact, aren't as supportive as she would like. Then she can decide if she wants to take what they can give, or not. So a talk may not make her happy, but honestly she sounds pretty miserable now anyway not knowing if they truly support her or not. If you suggest this, she may balk at the idea. I don't think you should go as far as to make it happen if she doesn't want to.

She has tried to talk to them, multiple times over the course of our long engagement. It was during such talks that her mother affirmed on several occasions that they would not be there. It was encouraging them to see this through our eyes that ultimately, I think, brought them around. I don't think there is going to be much reassurance from them. Her mother, for whatever it is worth, is determined to help with the wedding planning, with dress shopping, with decorating, etc. My fiancée thinks that was the main reason she changed her mind, because she wanted to be involved and not out of control. Is helping with the wedding planning a show of support? My fiancée doesn't seem very reassured by it, but I for one appreciate it.

 

[PanDeVida]

Hi. I'm engaged to be married and am in the midst of trying to plan our wedding with my fiancée. She is feeling extremely anxious and self-conscious especially about inviting guests. A bit of background: We are both Catholic converts with families that are exclusively Protestant, hers in particular very conservative Baptist and generally anti-Catholic. Her family has certainly opposed her becoming Catholic, but at least from where I'm standing, they have been supportive of our relationship. Her parents have agreed to attend the wedding (after more than a year of insisting they would not); her sister has agreed to be her matron of honor. I was pleased about her parents' turnaround; she was, if anything, even more dismayed.

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it. I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.

I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

First of all welcome Home to the Catholic Church.

It depends on the individual, they may support it after all, or they may just want to have a nice dinner, on the new Catholics.

Truth is both you and your fiancé need have to have a sit down discussion, with your Protestants families and friends, telling them that you love them and that you would like them to attend your Catholic wedding, however, that both of you would only want them to attend, if they support the marriage. If not! then they should not be invited, why? Matthew 22: 8Then he said to his servants, ‘The wedding feast is ready, but those invited were not worthy.

 

[ChristianFromKazakhstan]

It is sad to say, that she was so used to them treating her this way before that she didn't immediately understand why I would be offended. In her mind, their rejection was perfectly justified by their "standing for what they believe." But it is a huge deal, I told her, and it is a deep betrayal, to allow sectarian disagreements stand in the way of their love for their children. And no, the relationship isn't "fixed" by this change of mind. It's not clear that is genuine, and my fiancée certainly doesn't believe it is. She believes they are only coming out of obligation, to save their own face and avoid the embarrassment of not appearing to support their own daughter. She cannot conceive of her parents being there without judging us, judging the liturgy, and condemning everything. If anything, as I said, she is much more dismayed now that they are attending than she was before. At least when they were not coming, she had a possibility of enjoying the day without their condemnation hanging over her head.

For my part, I'm grasping at straws. At least their attendance gives the appearance of support for us. Symbolic gestures are important. Just as their not being there would be a scandal and an embarrassment for them, it would be a shame to us, and a public display of their disapprobation.

It's probably true that we do not have her parents real and full support. But she tends to project her parents' condemnation on all the members of her old church and all her family -- such that when she imagines the wedding, she imagines not a crowd of well-wishing witnesses, but a host of judging and condemning eyes. It is pretty miserable. What I want to convince her of is this: Her parents may very well be coming out of a sense of obligation; but her extended family and her friends are certainly not obligated, and if they come, I do believe there is a reasonable belief that they are coming to support us and not condemn us.



She has tried to talk to them, multiple times over the course of our long engagement. It was during such talks that her mother affirmed on several occasions that they would not be there. It was encouraging them to see this through our eyes that ultimately, I think, brought them around. I don't think there is going to be much reassurance from them. Her mother, for whatever it is worth, is determined to help with the wedding planning, with dress shopping, with decorating, etc. My fiancée thinks that was the main reason she changed her mind, because she wanted to be involved and not out of control. Is helping with the wedding planning a show of support? My fiancée doesn't seem very reassured by it, but I for one appreciate it.

This all sounds so awful. Poor you two guys. I think, in matters like this, civilized people must look over any differences in opinions about faith, in love and respect. But I understand that some people have hard time with it. I can tell there's so much frustration for you two because of this situation. Be the best of yourselves whatever happens, show the love and forgiveness of Jesus as much as you can. Your special day will come and go, God willing, and any possible judgmental words, actions, looks etc. will be but forgotten in your happiness, and will remain the responsibility of the perpetrators. As long as you two try and extend the love, the attention, the invitation to all who you feel have to be present at your wedding. Don't let yourselves be drawn into this "battle" in any way. May Jesus bless you guys!

 

[joshua 1 9]

It is enough for me; I'm not sure it is enough for her, who will likely imagine their repugnance even if it is not vocalized. I do feel that their being there is important, a statement that they will be there for us in our new family. I was very offended before by their refusal to attend: even acknowledging their rejection of Catholicism, which I grant, it seemed a rejection of us personally.

As a Christian we can expect to be persecuted for what we believe. Clearly Jesus teaches our faith and pleasing God comes before family. If they support you that is wonderful. If not there is not a lot you can do about it. No reason to worry, we need to be a like a duck and water and let it roll off of our back and onto Jesus. He is the one that carries our burdens for us. A wedding is a gather of the people who support the new couple and want to encourage them in what they are doing.

Mark 10:28 Peter began to say to Him, “Look, we have left everything and followed You.” 29 “Truly I tell you, said Jesus, “- no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake and for the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundredfold in the present age—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and fields, along with persecutions—and to receive eternal life in the age to come

 

[Galatea]

Congratulations! My cousin converted to Catholicism prior to marrying a Carholic man. I will say that we all as an extended family had only one fear- would we know when to kneel during the service? Most people attend a wedding to support the couple. Very few attend a wedding to be critical. I think your fiancee's family's about face is a good sign that they love her and want to support you. Don't stress out too much about it. God bless your marriage.

 

[ChristianFromKazakhstan]

Hi. I'm engaged to be married and am in the midst of trying to plan our wedding with my fiancée. She is feeling extremely anxious and self-conscious especially about inviting guests. A bit of background: We are both Catholic converts with families that are exclusively Protestant, hers in particular very conservative Baptist and generally anti-Catholic. Her family has certainly opposed her becoming Catholic, but at least from where I'm standing, they have been supportive of our relationship. Her parents have agreed to attend the wedding (after more than a year of insisting they would not); her sister has agreed to be her matron of honor. I was pleased about her parents' turnaround; she was, if anything, even more dismayed.

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it. I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.

I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

We had a Christian wedding in a protestant church in Kazakhstan, and most of our immediate and extended family are devout Muslims. Even though our families are quite hostile towards our faith, they all came and enjoyed the ceremony and reception, and there was never a hint of criticism or judgement from them. Some family/friends were quite grudgy that we offered no alcohol drinks at the reception. I just remembered about it now, as years passed, all the unpleasant things tend to be forgotten. Honestly, from the whole day, all I can remember is how beautiful my wife was (she still is ), and how shocked I was to see wedding rings on both of us.

The only conflict there was, we of course invited my mother and father with his new wife, and my mother by herself made it clear to my father that his new wife wasn't welcome. Because of this, my father refused to come altogether - he didn't want to come alone or his wife to go through humiliation. This was very sad for us, but oh well, it was out of our control... My dad only drove with me to the fiancee's house and took part in the "fiancee purchasing" tradition, where only men come with the groom. Fiancee's sister and girlfriends created all kinds of obstacles or tasks related to knowing my fiancee well that I had to successfully perform, or else pay money (small amounts to kids from her side of the family - symbolically).

 

[PloverWing]

I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on.

This is how I'm inclined to interpret her parents' choice to attend. They probably still disapprove of Catholicism, but they support the two of you, and they want their daughter to be happy in her marriage. It's not obligation, but rather love for their daughter, even though they disagree with her religious choices.

One of my husband's friends is Hindu. He was one of our groomsmen in our wedding (in a Christian church), and a few years later we attended his Hindu wedding. Everyone understood that we were of different faiths, that neither occasion was an endorsement of the other couple's religion; but that each of us supported the other couple in their marriage and wanted to share in their joy. Perhaps after some reflection, your fiancee's parents have come to a similar place, that they can share your joy without sharing all of your religious beliefs.

 

[GillDouglas]

Hi. I'm engaged to be married and am in the midst of trying to plan our wedding with my fiancée. She is feeling extremely anxious and self-conscious especially about inviting guests. A bit of background: We are both Catholic converts with families that are exclusively Protestant, hers in particular very conservative Baptist and generally anti-Catholic. Her family has certainly opposed her becoming Catholic, but at least from where I'm standing, they have been supportive of our relationship. Her parents have agreed to attend the wedding (after more than a year of insisting they would not); her sister has agreed to be her matron of honor. I was pleased about her parents' turnaround; she was, if anything, even more dismayed.

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it. I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.

I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

@PilgrimHeart, I tend to agree with you on your point. It goes without saying that as a reformed Christian, I am not on the same page theologically as a Catholic on many issues. That being said, I would hope that I'd praise God if my daughters remained faithful to Christ even if they decided to convert to their husband's denomination. Even if I didn't approve, I would support my daughters on their special day. I would think that any family member should feel the same way.

God is sovereign, and has given purpose in all things, even the things we (or our families) don't like. Just as the many diverse denominations themselves have a purpose, so does your union and blending of families. It may be that she eventually brings you to a more reformed way of thinking.

Congratulations and God bless!!

 

[Sketcher]

She feels judged by her parents, and feels any one of her Protestant family who attends would only do so out of obligation, and would do nothing but judge and condemn everything they see, and not support our wedding but curse it.

Have you considered something? If you're choosing a certain church, you're choosing it because you believe it is the right one, that is where God's favor and power will rest. Why then, does it make any sense to believe that people from outside that church - or inside that church for that matter - even have the power to literally curse what goes on inside it, and is ordained by God? If God won't protect an institution that he blesses and ordains from curses in one church, find the church that he will protect it in! You say you converted to Catholicism, so my guess is you believe that that is the church. If you were a Catholic who converted to being Baptist, I'd be saying the same thing - you converted because you believe that God would have you there, and his presence is there. So who is going to be able to curse your wedding and thereby curse your marriage with any power? What power do her parents have that Balaam didn't?

Now, what they CAN do, irrespective of whether or not they attend the wedding, is make life unnecessarily hard for you out of spite that they carry. But that's something different entirely, and is relational. If the two of you are serious Christians and if they are serious Christians, then you have all the tools you need in New Testament teaching to forgive each other and treat each other with kindness.

I have a brighter picture of the situation: I feel that if anyone does attend to the wedding, they are making a statement, at least in broad terms, that they do support our marriage and our wedding, even if they may not support our confessional choices or the liturgical goings-on. If anyone truly opposed our wedding, such that they would actively curse it, they would not be in attendance, since to attend publicly would be a statement of support. I've already heard verbal affirmations from some of her extended family that they would attend the wedding.

This is more in line with what I felt when my cousin got married. She's extremely liberal, which has been a point of division in the family and had gone so far as to infect her theology. I don't endorse that. I did endorse her wedding and marriage, and I still do. Her choice to marry the man she married was not sinful, nor did it seem to be a bad decision.

I am trying to reassure her that if our families do attend our wedding, it is because they love and support us and not because they want to judge or condemn us. I do not think it is helping. My question to you: Is attending a wedding a statement that you support the couple's marriage, if not the wedding itself?

Yes, among reasonable people. I haven't met the people in question.

 

[JohnOfWoodGreen]

The problem for a genuine protestant is not that the wedding is in a Roman Catholic church, or even that the ceremony is Roman Catholic, but that they are due to be in the same room when the idolatry of the Mass is being perpetrated. You can see more of the issues involved in The Writings of John Bradford, M.A. (John Bradford: The Hurt of Hearing Mass).
Basically, their duty when a transubstantiation Mass is being performed is either to be absent or to preach against it publicly there and then. Can you perhaps arrange to have the knot tied, followed by an opportunity for genuine protestants to absent themselves from the building before the nuptial Mass is "said" or sung?
Of course, they may not be genuine protestants, in which case they would be likely to make a complete mess of any preaching against the Mass that they may undertake, leading to the whole thing descending into farce.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

Some family/friends were quite grudgy that we offered no alcohol drinks at the reception. I just remembered about it now, as years passed, all the unpleasant things tend to be forgotten.

Praise God that your wedding was such a blessing. We will also not be having alcohol at the reception. Her Baptist family seems to expect that all Catholic events are "wet", but I don't think we've ever had alcohol at my rural parish apart from the elements of Communion. My family is only a step or two removed from the Baptist tradition, and much of my extended family is Baptist, and we are not really interested in offending anybody in our freedom.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

Why then, does it make any sense to believe that people from outside that church - or inside that church for that matter - even have the power to literally curse what goes on inside it, and is ordained by God? If God won't protect an institution that he blesses and ordains from curses in one church, find the church that he will protect it in! ... So who is going to be able to curse your wedding and thereby curse your marriage with any power? What power do her parents have that Balaam didn't?

I don't mean they would literally curse it in any efficacious way. But their speaking ill of it rather than support it and praying for us is the sort of thing my fiancée fears -- their disapproval and condemnation rather than a literal curse.

 

[PilgrimHeart]

The problem for a genuine protestant is not that the wedding is in a Roman Catholic church, or even that the ceremony is Roman Catholic, but that they are due to be in the same room when the idolatry of the Mass is being perpetrated. You can see more of the issues involved in The Writings of John Bradford, M.A. (John Bradford: The Hurt of Hearing Mass).
Basically, their duty when a transubstantiation Mass is being performed is either to be absent or to preach against it publicly there and then. Can you perhaps arrange to have the knot tied, followed by an opportunity for genuine protestants to absent themselves from the building before the nuptial Mass is "said" or sung?
Of course, they may not be genuine protestants, in which case they would be likely to make a complete mess of any preaching against the Mass that they may undertake, leading to the whole thing descending into farce.

I thank God that I do not know any "genuine Protestants" in your vein, who would stand and publicly denounce my wedding. If any feel the way you do, then I would not want them at my wedding any more than they would want to be there, and I'd pray they would not attend. Gracefully, most Christians have moved on, at least a little, from the hate-filled polemics of the sixteenth century.

As far as I know, the purpose of this forum is for Christian advice, which I came here humbly to ask. If you wish to engage in polemic, I think there are other forums here for that.