Insight

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I am looking for some insight from the married people, if I can

I am confused about boundaries with opposite sex friends when married. If you had good opposite friends before becoming married, what, if anything, has now changed with them since being married?

Do you do the same things with your opposite sex friends (what you share with them, activities, etc) now, that you did when you were single? What's changed?

Can you have a best friend of the opposite sex that is not your spouse?
Did you and your spouse have to talk about and agree on how you would not interact with opposite sex friends?

An example like I have a friend who is single and he goes to see a friend (girl) who lives a little ways away. He even spends the weekend (stays with her parents). They are just friends and he has told her that's all he wants to be. Is this something that changes when married or what?

I'm just confused

 

[Johnnz]

There are those who draw a pretty clear line with friendships with the opposite sex. Others have no issue with it. I don't. It's a matter of maturity, well grounded values, openness with your spouse and learning to live well with the 50% of society that isn't of the same gender as you are.

Jesus scandalised his society with the company he kept, especially in his relationship with so nay women, not all of which were pillars of society either.

John
NZ

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

It's a personal decision that should be discussed between you and your future partner really. Whomever you meet and begin to date, you'll need to figure out how you both feel about it.

There is no right or wrong answer. It's all about how you personally feel, and how it will impact the relationship. Some people have no issues with it, other people feel differently.

Everyone's different, and everyone's marriage will be different as well, so there really is no 100% objective answer.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

things change when you come into a good relationship anyway, if a person of the opposite sex is your bf before marriage, and then you marry someone else, i'd assume that you'd marry someone that is a bf to you, someone you love to be with have fun with etc etc...if that were the case then it might not matter who you were friends with as it would be a non-issue.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Its something you discuss with your spouse and come to an agreement about before the boundaries come up. If you wouldn't be comfortable with it if he did it, and its something you wouldn't want your grandmother to know about, then you should know where to draw the line.

 

[Created2Write]

I agree with the above answers. Some are okay with it, others aren't. For my husband and I, we are each others best friend. No other friend compares to how much fun we have with each other. I don't have many guy friends anyways, so it's not much of an issue with us. However, I personally feel there should be limits to the kinds of things that are acceptable after marriage. Physicality for instance. Depending on what your spouse believes, some guidelines for one relationship, might not be the same as another.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

So then it could be a dealbreaker?

it all just seems confusing. Does it get worked out? LOL. I had a major issue with this with one of my exs.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

My husband is my best friend. I guess you could have a best friend of the opposite sex that isn't your spouse but IMO that would be kind of messed up.

 

[moonkitty]

My husband is my best friend. I guess you could have a best friend of the opposite sex that isn't your spouse but IMO that would be kind of messed up.

I honestly do not see what is "messed up" about it. To me my hubby is way more than a best friend. To refer to my hubby as my best friend is, in my opinion, insulting to him. He is so much more.

To me, the whole "best friend" word is just childish. It's not like I go around ranking my friends into best, second best, third best and so forth. It's just silly. I love them all, and I can not sit here and choice a "best" among them. I've never understood why grown ups even use that terminology after middle school to be honest.

Those males I am friends with I have no sexual interest in. They're more like brothers or cousins. I'd sooner have sex with my brother than with my male friends. It is something that would never want to do.

 

[moonkitty]

It's a personal decision that should be discussed between you and your future partner really. Whomever you meet and begin to date, you'll need to figure out how you both feel about it.

There is no right or wrong answer. It's all about how you personally feel, and how it will impact the relationship. Some people have no issues with it, other people feel differently.

Everyone's different, and everyone's marriage will be different as well, so there really is no 100% objective answer.

This is the best advice given. I agree with Morning Glory.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I honestly do not see what is "messed up" about it. To me my hubby is way more than a best friend. To refer to my hubby as my best friend is, in my opinion, insulting to him. He is so much more.

To me, the whole "best friend" word is just childish. It's not like I go around ranking my friends into best, second best, third best and so forth. It's just silly. I love them all, and I can not sit here and choice a "best" among them. I've never understood why grown ups even use that terminology after middle school to be honest.

Those males I am friends with I have no sexual interest in. They're more like brothers or cousins. I'd sooner have sex with my brother than with my male friends. It is something that would never want to do.

I don't think anyone said anything about having a sexual interest in your friends...

My point was that it would be messed up if you have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that is closer than that of the one with your spouse.

And, obviously, that my spouse is more than just a best friend is a given. I do not agree that calling your spouse a best friend is insulting or childish. The closeness and trust that I have with my husband is substantially different than that of friends I had in school or anyone else, therefore the "best".

 

[moonkitty]

I don't think anyone said anything about having a sexual interest in your friends...

My point was that it would be messed up if you have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex that is closer than that of the one with your spouse.

And, obviously, that my spouse is more than just a best friend is a given. I do not agree that calling your spouse a best friend is insulting or childish. The closeness and trust that I have with my husband is substantially different than that of friends I had in school or anyone else, therefore the "best".

Noone here has said that having a best friend of the opposite sex means that you are closer to that person than your spouse.

If as you said, the closeness and trust you have with your husband is substantially different--not more or less---just different; then what is the harm in having a close or best friend of the opposite sex? What is messed up about that?

This is how I feel about my husband, it's not that I'm more or less closer to him than with my friends, it's just a different relationship than that with my friends.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Noone here has said that having a best friend of the opposite sex means that you are closer to that person than your spouse.

I don't see how it could mean anything else -- but clearly my views on friendships and yours are different. So we should probably just agree to disagree.

If as you said, the closeness and trust you have with your husband is substantially different--not more or less---just different;

Substantially different does mean more. I am closer with him and do trust him more than other people.

then what is the harm in having a close or best friend of the opposite sex? What is messed up about that?

My idea of a best friend is someone you trust and go to with your deepest most personal thoughts and problems. Someone you probably spend the most time with out of other friends. Someone who understands you better than others. Etc. So in regards to that definition, should I go to some other guy with my problems instead of my husband? Talk to him at night instead of my husband? Talk to a male friend about our marriage problems rather than my husband? Hang out with some guy instead of my spouse? Trust him more than my spouse? That's why I view it as messed up.

This is how I feel about my husband, it's not that I'm more or less closer to him than with my friends, it's just a different relationship than that with my friends.

I guess that is why we're not agreeing because we have different interpretations of these things.

 

[moonkitty]

I don't see how it could mean anything else -- but clearly my views on friendships and yours are different. So we should probably just agree to disagree.



Substantially different does mean more. I am closer with him and do trust him more than other people.



My idea of a best friend is someone you trust and go to with your deepest most personal thoughts and problems. Someone you probably spend the most time with out of other friends. Someone who understands you better than others. Etc. So in regards to that definition, should I go to some other guy with my problems instead of my husband? Talk to him at night instead of my husband? Talk to a male friend about our marriage problems rather than my husband? Hang out with some guy instead of my spouse? Trust him more than my spouse? That's why I view it as messed up.



I guess that is why we're not agreeing because we have different interpretations of these things.

I went back and reread my first response to you. I now see that I came off a bit more forceful than I meant. I'm sorry about that. I tend to be blunt.

Yes I feel we are certainly seeing this from very different interpretations. To me words like "best" tends to mean a quantity; and I have a very difficult time assigning a quantify to personal relationships. I can not quantify a friendship or a marriage. I can not assign a value that can be measured to such things. Does that make any sense?

As for who I go to when I have a problem--to me that depends solely on what the problem is. There are somethings I don't take to my husband because he has no real experience in that regards--not that I don't tell him about it, and not that he can not offer personal support. I just do not look to him for help with all my problems.

As for who I tell my deepest, darkest thoughts too--of course I tell my hubby. But there are others who know these things too. I had a very rough, abusive childhood; and I have some friends who were there for me during that rough time. I often do not talk about my childhood with my hubby. He knows about it, and is supportive. But I do not want to dreg up old ghost that are better left in the past. But there are times when things in my past do come back and bother me, and when this happens I usually talk it over with those friends who were there with me. It's not that I do not trust my husband with it; it's just very hard for him to understand when he wasn't there and has never experienced anything like it before. That is what I mean by different.

As for hanging out with a male friend? Sure why not? Would it be wrong of me to hang out with a female friend? To me a friend is a friend no matter what the gender. As long as my husband does not feel neglected--which he has never said so to me--then I do not have a problem with it.