Initiating

[Living4Him03]

I guess my fear is that I will contact someone too much and that will make them want to distance themself from me. I've done it in the past and it didnt' work out so well. Sometimes, as Tuffguy said, people have different needs regarding space. I'm the type that doesn't mind talking or seeing each other daily, for some part of the day. However, I've dated plenty of guys who prefer NOT to see someone that often and it's really important that they get their own space.

 

[Sketcher]

At least I know hugs are okay. I wanted to hug this guy the other day but I didn't want to seem too forward and I wasn't sure he would be okay with that. Not that he isn't a friendly guy but I just didnt want to make him think I was being forward or anything.

Depends on the guy. I avoid hugging non-girlfriends unless it's at a funeral or something. Many other guys do not share my view.

 

[Living4Him03]

He said it would have been okay and that it would not have seemed too forward. I think it depends on the hug. If it's someone I'm not dating or not dating yet then it's usually just a brief sort of hug. But if it's someone I've known for awhile or that I'm dating, then it's typically a longer hug.

 

[remy]

Proverbs 31 Woman: then it's a "damned if i do, damned if i don't" issue.

 

[invisiblebabe]

As far as any physical contact, I prefer to be the one initiating. It's very easy for me to feel a guy is being pushy in this way, even if he doesn't intend at all to be.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I will confess that I only read the OP and then replied - so sorry if we're way off topic

For me, I played the 'wait for his initiation game' and for my guy, it was shocking. He initiated at first, but then waited for me to initiate contact after that. So, he didn't get much contact and sorta left 'us' alone for a bit - cos he didn't want to seem like he was hounding me.

In the past, I've only ever dated guys I was friends with (after High School, I found most of my friends ended up being male), so there was no problem if I chose to IM, SMS them (or whatever) - it was generally a catch up, hi how you going kinda thing. I tend to take most of my relationships as 'friends first and foremost', so initiating the phonecall/SMS/IM was never viewed on negatively for them. Of course, if all the messages were 'I miss you's, where are you, I love you, etc etc' - I wouldn't blame them if they got irritated (same as if I'd sent 20 in 2 hours with no response - AKA How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days). I guess it all depends on the context of the chat, and whether you are also friends before you started dating.

It all depends on the guy - which is so frustrating! Some guys get offended if the girl initiates anything, especially in the Christian community, whereas most nowadays will chase once or twice, and then see how the girl reacts. If she then invites him somewhere - bingo! You got one (to sound rather uncouth)! If she doesn't -nope, not interested at all.

In this day and culture, fair is fair. You like someone - you interact with them - regardless of gender. A guy does not usually feel 'demasculinised' if a girl invites him somewhere and a girl does not lose her 'femininity' if a guy accepts her invite. If you like someone - start spending time with them! It isn't THAT hard...


If I get on well with a guy - I used to invite them to the movies for a night - I never saw it as a date, just friends hanging out having a good time, like I would with my girl friends.


Now that I have started dating someone, I have curbed that somewhat (we'll usually go out as a group or something), but he doesn't feel irritated if I ask him out - he likes it!! I've invited him to coffee, movies, pretty much everything...

It doesn't change the 'leadership' role of a relationship - guys like to be spoiled and taken out just as much as girls do! My ex used to complain that I never took him out and took initiative - it was something I had to learn to do (once I had enough money to do it)!

Sasch

 

[peaceblossom]

I am a terminal initiator. There's this part of me that will not wait for a friend to do something. But it's something that I'm working on because it has come to be highly expected of me. If I want to do something or go somewhere, I have to call people to go out with me. My friends (those I still have) haven't called me to go anywhere in about 2 or 3 years. As a result if I don't call someone in a month, I'll get a call (normally I keep in contact with people once a week or so by phone). I was thought that no matter what you want, if you want it bad enough, go for it. I think I may have taken that to heart because I think it may be intimidating to others. I'm not pushy or aggressive with people mind you, but I'm confident in going after most things.

 

[Living4Him03]

I just have to disagree. I think the guy should initiate the majority of the time. If he can't do that and isn't a good leader, then how could I ever submit to someone like that in marriage? I'm not going to marry someone I couldn't submit to!

Also, I think there is a real fine line between a date and a friendship outing. If you are friends, but have romantic interest in one another and you go out and do something, that to me is a date. Unless you have a group of friends along and aren't spending time with just the two of you. I guess that's just how I see it. I just don't like to become the kind of girl who keeps having to initiate and the guy never does and just continuously expects me to do it after he's initiated something once. It's frustrating to me and I think it annoys guys if you are the one that ends up initiating most of the time. I think most guys like to plan things out. Pampering a guy is okay, getting him a little gift or card sometimes, that's great. But I'm not going to continuously treat any guy to the movies or something without us being engaged or married! He has to catch me first lol .

 

[Blank123]

Some guys need the women to be the initiator. Some guys get really shy around the girls they like, just like we can get really shy around the guys we like, it doesn't mean they aren't cut out to be leaders, I don't think.

That really sucks too cuz it looks like I'm going to have to be the initiator with this one guy, and I hate doing stuff like that.

 

[Living4Him03]

Guys should be the intiator the majority of the time, even if they are shy. That's just the way things work. I've rarely seen a relationship work out well when the woman did the majority of initiating. A guy WILL intiate things when he is truly interested. Think about it...if you were to marry the guy (that's what the purpose of dating is for after all) would you really want to be the one having to intiate everything? The bible doesn't call for women to be the spiritual leader. Not that women are supposed to sit back and be silent, it's a partnership, but how can a guy be a good leader if he can't even get the nerve up to ask you out or initiate conversation? I'm sorry I just don't see how he can be.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Guys should be the intiator the majority of the time, even if they are shy. That's just the way things work. I've rarely seen a relationship work out well when the woman did the majority of initiating. A guy WILL intiate things when he is truly interested. Think about it...if you were to marry the guy (that's what the purpose of dating is for after all) would you really want to be the one having to intiate everything? The bible doesn't call for women to be the spiritual leader. Not that women are supposed to sit back and be silent, it's a partnership, but how can a guy be a good leader if he can't even get the nerve up to ask you out or initiate conversation? I'm sorry I just don't see how he can be.

Haven't read the entire thread yet, but just because a man is shy at first doesn't mean he can't take hold of the reins, so speak. I don't believe that if the woman is to initiate first contact that she will always have to do so. Sometimes the man just needs the ice to break a bit and he's good to go.

I understand what you're saying, though. If it's consistant where you (the female) is always initiating everything, then there's a problem. But because the females initiates first doesn't mean she always will have be the "The Initiator."

 

[Blank123]

Haven't read the entire thread yet, but just because a man is shy at first doesn't mean he can't take hold of the reins, so speak. I don't believe that if the woman is to initiate first contact that she will always have to do so. Sometimes the man just needs the ice to break a bit and he's good to go.

I understand what you're saying, though. If it's consistant where you (the female) is always initiating everything, then there's a problem. But because the females initiates first doesn't mean she always will have be the "The Initiator."

u just took the words right out of my mouth...er....keyboard, whatever

 

[sweetlambofgod]

I think its appropriate to initiate conversation whenever you want to talk, if he used to call you and IM you and now he does neither then I'd have the feeling eh is not interested.

 

[Buskanaka]

whereas most nowadays will chase once or twice, and then see how the girl reacts. If she then invites him somewhere - bingo! You got one (to sound rather uncouth)! If she doesn't -nope, not interested at all.

I agree, you shouldn't be afraid of initiating anything. I don't think that it really matters who does the 'chasing', for me I always chase a girl if I like her, not because I think I have to, but because I want to! However if the girl doesn't at least initiate conversation or something after awhile then it does indicate a lack of interest. Friendship is a give and take relationship.

 

[star-struck]

1

 

[Proverbs 31 Woman]

Guys should be the intiator the majority of the time, even if they are shy. That's just the way things work. I've rarely seen a relationship work out well when the woman did the majority of initiating. A guy WILL intiate things when he is truly interested. Think about it...if you were to marry the guy (that's what the purpose of dating is for after all) would you really want to be the one having to intiate everything? The bible doesn't call for women to be the spiritual leader. Not that women are supposed to sit back and be silent, it's a partnership, but how can a guy be a good leader if he can't even get the nerve up to ask you out or initiate conversation? I'm sorry I just don't see how he can be.

I agree 100%. Shyness is no excuse.

 

[Xen_Antares]

It would help then, if you ladies gave more hints if you did like the guy. Not these subtle hints either, something to make the guy more sure. Im shy but its not so much shyness that keeps me from wanting to talk to the girls as much as fear or rather terror of being rejected and feeling stupid, and like a complete moron.

 

[songz777]

I think its really nice if the woman some times makes the effort, to make a move, but I suppose the man usally does that. You just need Gods wisdom, and be willing to take a risk. If he really wants you he wont mind you making an effort towards him but dont pester him with lots of IMs or txt mesages etc.
) John

 

[vinc]

It really depends from person to person. Most males would like to initiate. But, a few of them may be hesitant to make the initiations IF they are -
(1) Very Shy.
(2) Basically Introvert.
(3) Have an Inferiority Complex.
(4) Not Looking right now and have other ambitions to follow.
(5) Already having a spouse/girlfriend to whom they are committed.

So, the other person needs to be wise and move accordingly as per the situation.

But, after sometime, the initiations must be from both sides for a healthy friendship/relationship.

Well, thatz my 2-cent worth lol.

 

[belle1492]

I think its really nice if the woman some times makes the effort, to make a move, but I suppose the man usally does that. You just need Gods wisdom, and be willing to take a risk. If he really wants you he wont mind you making an effort towards him but dont pester him with lots of IMs or txt mesages etc.
) John

So if a friend intiates the conversations (say IM), but additional conversations are initiated my you, that usually means he is not interested? (even if he seems OK with talking to you?) I know if is hard to tell if they are really annoyed when you speak to them online.

What would you call los of IMs? Would one every week or 2 be considered a lot?

belle