Initiating

[Mandi N.]

It seems like sometimes if I don't initiate conversation with a guy, he will not initiate conversation with me.

i think it's because lots of guys (especially shy ones) won't initiate conversations. i don't mind initiating IM's or phone conversations, but sometimes it's nice to be pursued a little. but i definately don't ask guys out or anything.

 

[Buskanaka]

What would you call los of IMs? Would one every week or 2 be considered a lot?

belle

no I wouldn't consider that a lot. I guess it depends on how often you both are online. I also don't really think that initiating conversations is pursuing someone, it's just what you do when you're friends with someone, you talk to them. I wouldn't worry so much about trying to guess what someone else is thinking and don't be afraid of doing the wrong thing, just be yourself and do what you feel like because if they like you then good, they will want you to talk to them. If they don't, then they aren't the right person for you and not talking to them as much isn't going to make them like you.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Girls,

I've been told by numerous guys to be BLANTANTLY obvious if you like them. Subtlety goes right by them! It's true - we girls can get a hint from 'ooo that DVD is SO cool' (ok, get that for them for christmas), whereas you say that to a guy, it's like 'oh yeah, whatever' - it goes straight over their heads (and then we get upset that they never hear what we're saying).

Guys have NO clue when it comes to subtlety - be honest when you like them Don't play the flirt game if you think that's how he's gonna realise you like them - be upfront. Most guys appreciate this!

Sasch

 

[belle1492]

no I wouldn't consider that a lot. I guess it depends on how often you both are online. I also don't really think that initiating conversations is pursuing someone, it's just what you do when you're friends with someone, you talk to them. I wouldn't worry so much about trying to guess what someone else is thinking and don't be afraid of doing the wrong thing, just be yourself and do what you feel like because if they like you then good, they will want you to talk to them. If they don't, then they aren't the right person for you and not talking to them as much isn't going to make them like you.

OK, logically I also don't think it is a lot, BUT I am always second guessing myself so it makes me feel better to hear it from someone else.

WARNING: The remainder of this post contains gross overanalyzation ...

A related problem I seem to have is that many times I feel like I have to have a good reason to talk to him (ie a question) before I IM him because I do know many times he is working on something when he is online. Initially I had to think up a question because I was afraid he'd think I liked him if I talked to him too much, and IF he didn't like me then it might make him feel wierd.

I did notice when he does initiate the IMs he usually starts out with a "Hey how are things?"...etc, but he always seems to have a question for me. This makes me wonder if he's doing the same thing I'm doing?

Anyway, now I'm at a point where I'd just like to talk to him see how his week went etc.. you know all the little "boring" daily activities, BUT at the same time if I'm always asking, "How was your day?" "What have you been up to?" I'm afraid he'll think I'm interrogating him. Also if I told him some of the boring mundane things I've been up to, I kinda wonder if he would think, "Why is she telling me all this? I have better things to do."

belle

 

[Living4Him03]

He just may be doing the same thing you are doing, Belle. I don't know about the advice to be blatantly obvious. That can go the wrong way in some cases. I know a friend of mine who is way way too obvious when she likes a guy. That most often scares guys off and they will cut all contact with her or just ignore her. If you like a guy, you can say "I really like you"...lol...that's pretty simple and I think it gets the point across And if they need clarification you can add that you are interested in them as more than a friend. However, I don't think you have to go to extremes trying to get him to notice that you like him. Also, I think if you are the one doing practically all the initiating and he just sits back and waits for you to contact him, then you're doing the pursuing. I have seen this with my bro and his g/f ...she is the one that constantly calls him and he rarely calls her...she won't give him a chance to call cuz she is always calling him and asking for dates. To me that is going too far. Yes, it's important to let a guy know you like him and to not just sit back and expect him to do everything, but at the same time it's also important to not be too aggressive. I know my bro gets annoyed with his g/f when she calls that much and she is always wanting to know what he's doing, etc. I just want to make sure I don't mess things up by turning a guy off or scaring him away because I've made more contact with him than what he is comfortable with.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Sorry I didn't mean to say go OTT when you like someone... I'm just saying be honest.

Forget about the flirting and sly hints - most don't pick them up. If you've developed feelings for someone, be honest and let them know. Stops all this 'does she/doesn't she' stuff and can get stuff out and open.

If they don't like you, then they have the opportunity to let you know, and thereby not letting you feel led on if you find out later they just thought of you as a friend. OR, they can relax and start getting to know you without feeling that they're making an idiot of themselves if they are unsure how you feel.

It's what God asks of us - Love one another - Love is HONEST!



Sasch

 

[traingosorry]

WARNING: The remainder of this post contains gross overanalyzation ...

A related problem I seem to have is that many times I feel like I have to have a good reason to talk to him (ie a question) before I IM him because I do know many times he is working on something when he is online. Initially I had to think up a question because I was afraid he'd think I liked him if I talked to him too much, and IF he didn't like me then it might make him feel wierd.

I did notice when he does initiate the IMs he usually starts out with a "Hey how are things?"...etc, but he always seems to have a question for me. This makes me wonder if he's doing the same thing I'm doing?

Anyway, now I'm at a point where I'd just like to talk to him see how his week went etc.. you know all the little "boring" daily activities, BUT at the same time if I'm always asking, "How was your day?" "What have you been up to?" I'm afraid he'll think I'm interrogating him. Also if I told him some of the boring mundane things I've been up to, I kinda wonder if he would think, "Why is she telling me all this? I have better things to do."

belle

Haha Belle, you're too funny! I am the exact same way, in fact all that above sounded SO familiar! We really DO over-analyze everything, don't we?? It can't be good for the soul- too stressful * sighs

Heather<><

 

[belle1492]

OK, I sure do hope some people read this and can respond soon. I'm slightly freaking out, and in the process of over analyzing things once again...

So... I decided to IM my afore mentioned friend... He seeemed happy to hear drom me so that was good, but right at the beginning of our conversation he said something, and I ahave NO idea how I'm supposed to take it.

Right at the begining of the conversation after I greeted him. I asked if he was busy. He said no, he was just reading some letters. He asked if there was anything I wanted to chat about? I said I just wanted to see how things were going. He said "same ol' same ole." Then he immediately says, "still waiting for my fiance to come"

So I'm sitting there thinking "how do I respond to this??" I was completely blidsided by this comment. So I responded with a really lame..."About the same for me to."

Is he talking about an actual real fiance, (I've known him for 4 years and there has NEVER been any mention at all of a significant other), or could he be refering to a hypothetical fiance. as in "I'm just waiting for the right woman to come a long."

If it was a fiance he could very well have been waiting for someone to come from the country he was orignally from, but then wouldn't he have said, "I'm wating for my fiance to come over from XYZ country."

Either way, it would be good for me because if it was a real fiance, then I'd know he was definitely "taken", and I could get over him. (I'd be sad for a while, but I'd be fine with it.), OR if it was a hypothetical fiance it would be good in a way because I'd at least know he is looking to be married in the future.

I am SO absolutely confused....I need some objective opinions.

I hope this guy doesn't read these forums, and IF he does I hope he doesn't get upset for me posting about this

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

If it were me, I'd take it that he had a fiance now - most guys I know wouldn't talk like that about someone they had yet to meet. Sorry hon!

I'd suggest asking him what she's like the next time you two chat (just cos he has a fiance doesn't mean you can't talk to him!). You can always apologise if it says he was talking about a woman he's yet to meet.

Sasch

 

[belle1492]

If it were me, I'd take it that he had a fiance now - most guys I know wouldn't talk like that about someone they had yet to meet. Sorry hon!

You were right. I asked him, and Yes he does have a fiance. He is waiting for he to get a visa to come to the US.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Aww sweetie - sorry!

Bites, doesn't it!



Sasch

 

[esseJ]

Girls,

I've been told by numerous guys to be BLANTANTLY obvious if you like them. Subtlety goes right by them! It's true - we girls can get a hint from 'ooo that DVD is SO cool' (ok, get that for them for christmas), whereas you say that to a guy, it's like 'oh yeah, whatever' - it goes straight over their heads (and then we get upset that they never hear what we're saying).

Guys have NO clue when it comes to subtlety - be honest when you like them Don't play the flirt game if you think that's how he's gonna realise you like them - be upfront. Most guys appreciate this!

Sasch

LOL!!! That is so me...If a woman ever liked me she'd have to hit me over the head with a bat for me to "get it"...

but I don't mind a woman initiating a conversation or whatever....

 

[silwJC7]

I've tried doing the first move at this guy that I liked 3 or 4 years ago because I thought that he was the one that God has for me. However, I made everything my will instead of God's will. I scared the guy and now we're not friends at all. So, I handed the pen to God and just let Him write my romantic love story. Now, I don't try to be the initiator, if God wants that guy I like to talk to me, he will talk to me. I already told God that the guy should make the first move not me. I'm old-fashioned, I like it when the guy does the first move just like back then... I think it's really cool and romantic... *sigh*

 

[Katty]

With phonecalls and emails or stuff like that, I don't see a problem with picking up the phone or just sending *him* an email to say "Hey, I was thinking about you today... I miss you." I think it all depends on where you stand with one another. With girls, sometimes, we can get to the point where we can be seen as clingy or needy and I try to steer clear of that path. I know I hate it when a guy becomes that with me.

~Katty