In need of your prayers!

[F.E.A.R.]

Orthodox only!

I'm currently struggling with blasphemous thoughts and this is the 3rd time it's happening within a year. I've been struggling for 3 weeks now and I've did two confessions, yet though it's calmed down a bit, demons still attack me, because I can always tell when they start to attack me. Currently they won't let me go with just 1 confession like always, I still feel the need of confession because it does miracles. I am able to withstand those thoughts on my own thanks to the confession, yet those thoughts become more powerful in my sleep, and whenever they cross my mind, it causes fear and shock trough my whole body unable to calm down for a long period of time. I've lost my power to pray, it did come back from time to time to fight back, if I say the Jesus Prayer those thoughts come to stop me from thinking and saying it. I've even dreamed of having no salvation, 2 times, the second one I can't remember. Before the confessions I came to a breaking point where I thought I was going mentally insane, and couldn't stand the church service, to be more correct something else inside of me couldn't stand it, I wanted to throw up something disgusting inside of me and time didn't move. Ever since I've rejected the devil this keeps happening, from wanting to turn over to him, to suicidal thoughts and now these blasphemous thoughts that still persist and I just want them out of my head because it's tormenting me. Everything was fine before this, I don't why it's happened again, sure we all sin even I, but I don't understand why God let's demons have power over and temptations since they can't touch you without God's allowance. This is the second time I'm having doubts of NO salvation at all, because I didn't ask for this in the first place, nor have I imagined my life like this when I was kid, I'm begining to believe that I was predetermined for Hell. I've prayed to God never to leave me, even at my death bed, yet God is nowhere now. I sure hope this is something from my Cross that I carry for my salvation, otherwise I don't see the point of living if I'm predetermined to Hell.

 

[ArmyMatt]

Lord have mercy!

hang in there, and try reading Job or the Psalms.

remember Satan only comes after people who aren't his.

 

[Christian Neoplatonist]

I'm not Orthodox, but I LOVE the Orthodox Church and especially the Desert Fathers and contemplative practices, so I will say something to this. Please excuse me for taking this liberty.

Keep in mind that you are NOT responsible for having thoughts. Our minds are full of rubbish all the time. Your job as a Christian is to be aware of them and not to identify with negative thoughts. Watch them, let them pass, do not identify with them. They just come like the wind. If you try too hard to fight them they, can become even stronger. Do not feel too guilty, because by identfying with the guilt it becomes even more difficult to let them go! When you notice them, just say no and focus on something virtuous instead.

Consider the wisdom of the Fathers:

A brother came to Abbot Pastor and said: ‘Many distracting thoughts come into my mind, and I am in danger because of them.’ Then the elder thrust him out into the open air and said: ‘Open up the garments about your chest and catch the wind in them.’ But he replied: ‘This I cannot do.’ So the elder said to him: ‘If you cannot catch the wind, neither can you prevent distracting thoughts from coming into your head. Your job is to say “No” to them.’

 

[F.E.A.R.]

Lord have mercy!

hang in there, and try reading Job or the Psalms.

remember Satan only comes after people who aren't his.

Why? Why would he?

All I know is that this could've been prevented with confession, because I can feel when I need to go to confession. The monk I'm seeing said there was no need for confession after I told him what I've did, this was in March. So I said to myself OK, if he says so, now look where I am. I just want to get back up, because I'm the one who wants this to end the most.

 

[Christian Neoplatonist]

By the way, have you ever considering visiting a psychologist? This sounds all pretty traumatic - please consider to get professional help. This won't compromise your ability to be a good Christian, but sometimes it is good to look at things from a grounded perspective.

 

[F.E.A.R.]

@Christian Neoplatonist

Thanks for your advice but just saying NO to those thoughts is impossible. Without the help of a priest or monk, it doesn't work. I am pretty spiritually aware what's happening. Also a psychologist won't help because I don't have any mental illness. Since you are not Orthodox I don't think you could understand what I'm going through and I'm going to stop there.

 

[ArmyMatt]

Why? Why would he?

because of his greed and pride.

 

[Melily]

@F.E.A.R., I can relate to much of what you have experienced. I don’t have any helpful input as a new catechumen who is just learning and trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I just wanted you to know you are most definitely not alone in these struggles and have my prayers.

 

[F.E.A.R.]

because of his greed and pride.

Will God give me over to him?

@F.E.A.R., I can relate to much of what you have experienced. I don’t have any helpful input as a new catechumen who is just learning and trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I just wanted you to know you are most definitely not alone in these struggles and have my prayers.

I'm just deeply afraid of NO salvation. How can I not be. I'm told that what I'm going through is a battle and it's not for nought. Everything was fine like always, going out with friends, doing stuff, thinking of stuff that makes me happy, thinking about women, and all of a sudden at night (like it's happened previously before) fear takes over me, spiritual distress, and those blasphemous thoughts come (against the Holy Spirit) and they just become stronger, driving me insane and trembling in fear, unable to sleep at night, time not moving, losing focus and unable to think, unable to stand during church service. Ever since I rejected the devil a year ago, I got brainstormed 3 times by suicidal thoughts and images, and this is 3rd time with these thoughts. How can I not believe that I am predetermined to Hell, when I didn't ask for this in the first place. I've prayed to God to never leave me, ever, even at my death bed, yet He was nowhere, "please get them out of my head it's tormenting me, it's driving me insane, don't you want to see me happy". I'm already broken at a young age, yet there are so many people that openly sin and nothing happens.

 

[Melily]

Will God give me over to him?

I'm just deeply afraid of NO salvation. How can I not be. I'm told that what I'm going through is a battle and it's not for nought. Everything was fine like always, going out with friends, doing stuff, thinking of stuff that makes me happy, thinking about women, and all of a sudden at night (like it's happened previously before) fear takes over me, spiritual distress, and those blasphemous thoughts come (against the Holy Spirit) and they just become stronger, driving me insane and trembling in fear, unable to sleep at night, time not moving, losing focus and unable to think, unable to stand during church service. Ever since I rejected the devil a year ago, I got brainstormed 3 times by suicidal thoughts and images, and this is 3rd time with these thoughts. How can I not believe that I am predetermined to Hell, when I didn't ask for this in the first place. I've prayed to God to never leave me, ever, even at my death bed, yet He was nowhere, "please get them out of my head it's tormenting me, it's driving me insane, don't you want to see me happy". I'm already broken at a young age, yet there are so many people that openly sin and nothing happens.

I found this book extremely helpful. Most (perhaps All) of us are broken in one way or another. Forgive me, I’m only a catechumen so I don’t want to say anything incorrect from an orthodox perspective. I do take comfort in the fact that in hindsight God has helped me through each and every trial and test.

 

[ArmyMatt]

Will God give me over to him?

only if you let him.

 

[SalemsConcordance]

@Christian Neoplatonist

Thanks for your advice but just saying NO to those thoughts is impossible. Without the help of a priest or monk, it doesn't work. I am pretty spiritually aware what's happening. Also a psychologist won't help because I don't have any mental illness. Since you are not Orthodox I don't think you could understand what I'm going through and I'm going to stop there.

Elder Ephraim has advise very pertinent for you I pray

12. Unbelief and blasphemy proceed from the envy of the devil. There is only one remedy: to disregard such thoughts as if they were only the barking of a dog. One is not held accountable for them. Other people who did not know this fasted and kept vigil and wept to be delivered. But blasphemous thoughts leave a person only if he disregards them. Abba Agathon was also fought by blasphemous thoughts. He entreated God to deliver him and heard a voice telling him: “Agathon, Agathon! Take care of your sins, and let the devil bark as much as he wants. You are not accountable for those thoughts”. If you do not disregard them, you will never be delivered.

Elder Ephraim, of Arizona and the Holy Mountain

Elder Ephraim of Arizona-On Warfare with the Demons. - ORTHOGNOSIA

 

[David Stegnick]

I was once like you. It is very hard for someone who has never experienced it to understand. All I can say is that Jesus loves you and he will always be with you. There is a Chaplin forum on this site have you looked into that?