Sorry for posting this, I need to vent because I'm on the verge of desperation. I know for sure I have OCD, and I've been on and off with my faith, because it causes too much stress to me. but right now I just feel like giving up... I've had the problem with blasphemous thoughts, feeling I'm not sincere enough, lack of faith, and everything OCD can possibly tell you. and I went through this two years ago and I ended up forgetting about that, but then something triggered the scrupulosity again and I've been so depressed for already a month, I don't even get up anymore, I just sleep all day... I know we shouldn't look for feelings or sings,and I actually feel guilty for writing this and seeking human help... it's like everything I do is wrong and I don't even have a life of my own. I know Jesus wants us to have an abunding life, I belive he paid the price for my sins, but I'm just the same person... my motives haven't changed... I constantly feel not good enough, guilty, etc... you see, I've had a boyfriend for about 6 years, but he doesn't understand that I can't control my OCD. obviously everytime something triggers my OCD I try to stop sinning and at this point I just don't want to deal with anything related to sin, i'm just desperated. he's getting mad at me for being depressed, he tells me I look like a dead person, that I'm not me anymore, he's getting tired of me, I don't even kiss him anymore because I'm not sure if it's sin or not...and I'm hurting his feelings, all this due to the OCD and depression. What am I supposed to do? I've put all my hope on God and what Jesus accomplished on the cross, but I'm not a new creature, am I? :/ how will others believe if they see i'm going from bad to worse? my life is a chaos, I have no self-control, so I decided to give my life to God, but sometimes I think there isn't hope for me. I've read how God deals with people who have inner issues and He is tender and everything... I just want His love. I feel ridiculous for doing this... I don't know anymore. Then i read things about predestination, and it gets worse... I've prayed for a change in my life. I'm pathetic. I stopped attending to church two years ago, because even though people were kind to me they ended up tired of me and my questions. They say you can't have a dissease if you're Christian because you get the nature of God, which I think is true, but then what's left for me :/ And since I've been on and off, I'd feel even more ashamed to go back yet again to church...like they will think I'm not serious enough. At the same time I know one can't do anything apart from God. I'm very sad, I can't deal with this anymore, the looks people give me it's like they all hate me. how could I even be a witness if I'm like this? what's ocd, what's God, what's me, what's the devil? I don't know anymore. I'm a very lazy person and I want to change that, but then it feels to me like I'm trying to earn my salvation with works and like I don't really want to stop being lazy, and since this disorder is so exhaustive i feel drained. if I don't do something i should do I feel guilty and if I do it, it's like works and observing the law :/ what should i do... I feel so alone and sad. My boyfriend doesn't care so much about spiritual issues because he believes if you're chosen then God will do everything for you etc, so since it hasn't happened to him, he doesn't care. Actually I have no idea how he can be so tranquil about that and he's had a hard life, his mom is in a wheelchair so he has to deal with tons of pain. Well, that's it I guess. Maybe posting this is a sin, or it's just my ocd I don't know. I'm confused. feels like I'm going to be punished for trusting men instead of God. I don't know anymore. Sorry
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Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist
I'm very sad and confused, please help :/
- Thread starter hknight
- Start date
Hey there....please don't think seeking for human connection to express your struggles is a bad thing at all.
We all need that support, advice or just someone to lend an ear or two.
Thank you for sharing your story and for your bravery to have done so.
Take a deep breath and think deep about your faith. Hand in your troubles to the Lord.
Clear your head out of any guilt for being here or for venting.
Like I said, we all need that. Including me and surely many in this forum.
We all need that support, advice or just someone to lend an ear or two.
Thank you for sharing your story and for your bravery to have done so.
Take a deep breath and think deep about your faith. Hand in your troubles to the Lord.
Clear your head out of any guilt for being here or for venting.
Like I said, we all need that. Including me and surely many in this forum.
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RPicking
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Hello HKNight, Thanks for sharing because it shows that we're not alone with OCD. Everyone struggles with different stuff when it comes to OCD and you're not different. It's how we respond to the OCD that should be the same. I've learned that 'medication' does help and having a therapist or someone to talk to helps also because you need that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that helps you RECOGNIZE that you're having an obsessive compulsive urge and that you have to recognize that there is nothing wrong and do something else. I know it's not as easy as some make it but over time it will get easier, depending on your level of suffering.
Also - lean on the TRUTH of God's word. When you have your bouts and urges that enter your mind - those triggers that tear you down you can have a list of Bible verses that you go to and cling to. Rest on the truth and not the urges. Second thing to do is PRAY - continue to keep your focus on God in prayer and tell Him what you're feeling. He knows what you need and PRAYER is not really for God it's for you. It's your opportunity to pray to him and ask him and tell him how you feel. The Bible says we're to cast our cares on Christ and give them to him.
No it's not a quick fix but it's knowing the truth that can set you free. Don't give up. God knows your situation and He understands that we as humans have fragile minds. That is the truth that gives me hope in my situation. Sometimes I feel like giving up and thinking that God could never love me in the situation I'm in but then I consider that I'm still breathing, I'm still on this side of the dirt and I can grasp him - reach out for him to be that comfort when I'm alone.
As for the boyfriend - give it to God and He will mend that relationship and make it what He wants it to be.
Seek Help and fellowship - Don't give up.
Also - lean on the TRUTH of God's word. When you have your bouts and urges that enter your mind - those triggers that tear you down you can have a list of Bible verses that you go to and cling to. Rest on the truth and not the urges. Second thing to do is PRAY - continue to keep your focus on God in prayer and tell Him what you're feeling. He knows what you need and PRAYER is not really for God it's for you. It's your opportunity to pray to him and ask him and tell him how you feel. The Bible says we're to cast our cares on Christ and give them to him.
No it's not a quick fix but it's knowing the truth that can set you free. Don't give up. God knows your situation and He understands that we as humans have fragile minds. That is the truth that gives me hope in my situation. Sometimes I feel like giving up and thinking that God could never love me in the situation I'm in but then I consider that I'm still breathing, I'm still on this side of the dirt and I can grasp him - reach out for him to be that comfort when I'm alone.
As for the boyfriend - give it to God and He will mend that relationship and make it what He wants it to be.
Seek Help and fellowship - Don't give up.
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I feel like I could have written your post. I was born and raised a Christian, I got saved when I was a kid (maybe eight or nine? I don't remember how old I was), and I just never 'got it'. I always felt like I had to be perfect. I never thought I felt God's love. Now, I was only a child--I was expecting things that just probably weren't going to happen. For example, I always struggled with listening to God. You hear stories about people being anxious and then suddenly feeling a calming warmth flowing over them; you hear about people who suddenly get thoughts in their heads and they just KNOW that it's God speaking to them...I never had that. And I thought I was supposed to. I didn't like going to church because I was super shy and couldn't understand how people could be such hypocrites. Now, don't get me wrong--I was a hypocrite, too, but I was upset because I'd see a girl at school wearing a low-cut shirt and cussing, and then at church she'd lift her hands during the praise and worship songs, and my OCD 'all or nothing', and frankly, judgmental, mind just couldn't understand why.
My parents made me go to a Christian college for a year. While I was there, I was overexposed. I didn't want to be there. I started doubting the existence of God. I just wanted nothing to do with it. That's how I lived for seven years. I developed an alcohol addiction and my pre-existing inappropriate content and food addictions just got stronger. I rarely ever went to church (only to play in the occasional band), but I still believed in God and Jesus. I just wanted nothing to do with Christianity/being a Christian because I didn't GET it.
Frankly, I still don't. I decided at the end of September to try and get back into my faith, and boy oh boy, the OCD GRABBED it and has been running with it ever since. I've had blasphemous thoughts (once was intentional; I read a book that talked about ERP therapy and decided I would try it, so I made myself think something blasphemous to try and get my brain to stop thinking it on its own and am now afraid I've committed the unpardonable sin, even though I was making myself think it with the best of intentions, to get rid of the thought!). I worry that, because I'm not perfect, I'm not doing Christianity 'right'. I'm afraid to read the Bible because it talks so much about not doing this, or not doing that, or God destroying this, or God killing this person, and honestly, it's scary to me.
I wish I had good advice for you, mate. I really do. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. All I can say it what others have said: pray. Now, even just typing that, I feel like a hypocrite (and I worry that I'm some false prophet or something, jeez) because I sometimes struggle to pray myself. I've got severe depression, severe religious OCD (and other OCD forms, but it's definitely latched onto religion), really bad anxiety, really bad panic...and honestly, I have a hard time even keeping up relationships with humans that I could see and talk to face-to-face on a daily basis. So it's REALLY hard for me to feel close to God. Frankly, I think a lot of the time I'm afraid of Him. That's my fault, not His.
But anyway, pray. God already knows how you're feeling and what you're thinking, but maybe it'll help *you* to pray about things. I don't mean to speak for God, but I like to think that he's a bit...'lenient' when it comes to people with mental illnesses, people who struggle so. much. with religious OCD. Any OCD or mental illness, really, but religious OCD is just...I feel it's literally Hell on earth.
God loves you. He understands your situation. He knows what's in your heart. He knows you're trying. <-- and even though I type all of that, and I firmly believe it, it's so, so hard for me to believe it applies to *me* (typical OCD right there).
Hang in there.
My parents made me go to a Christian college for a year. While I was there, I was overexposed. I didn't want to be there. I started doubting the existence of God. I just wanted nothing to do with it. That's how I lived for seven years. I developed an alcohol addiction and my pre-existing inappropriate content and food addictions just got stronger. I rarely ever went to church (only to play in the occasional band), but I still believed in God and Jesus. I just wanted nothing to do with Christianity/being a Christian because I didn't GET it.
Frankly, I still don't. I decided at the end of September to try and get back into my faith, and boy oh boy, the OCD GRABBED it and has been running with it ever since. I've had blasphemous thoughts (once was intentional; I read a book that talked about ERP therapy and decided I would try it, so I made myself think something blasphemous to try and get my brain to stop thinking it on its own and am now afraid I've committed the unpardonable sin, even though I was making myself think it with the best of intentions, to get rid of the thought!). I worry that, because I'm not perfect, I'm not doing Christianity 'right'. I'm afraid to read the Bible because it talks so much about not doing this, or not doing that, or God destroying this, or God killing this person, and honestly, it's scary to me.
I wish I had good advice for you, mate. I really do. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. All I can say it what others have said: pray. Now, even just typing that, I feel like a hypocrite (and I worry that I'm some false prophet or something, jeez) because I sometimes struggle to pray myself. I've got severe depression, severe religious OCD (and other OCD forms, but it's definitely latched onto religion), really bad anxiety, really bad panic...and honestly, I have a hard time even keeping up relationships with humans that I could see and talk to face-to-face on a daily basis. So it's REALLY hard for me to feel close to God. Frankly, I think a lot of the time I'm afraid of Him. That's my fault, not His.
But anyway, pray. God already knows how you're feeling and what you're thinking, but maybe it'll help *you* to pray about things. I don't mean to speak for God, but I like to think that he's a bit...'lenient' when it comes to people with mental illnesses, people who struggle so. much. with religious OCD. Any OCD or mental illness, really, but religious OCD is just...I feel it's literally Hell on earth.
God loves you. He understands your situation. He knows what's in your heart. He knows you're trying. <-- and even though I type all of that, and I firmly believe it, it's so, so hard for me to believe it applies to *me* (typical OCD right there).
Hang in there.
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jusme
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hk,
I have been exactly where you are dear and I know how brutal it is. But, believe me it gets better! This too shall pass. I am a 51 year old male and have had all of the same unwanted thoughts you have mentioned in your post so I can relate. Please understand this above all things... God is NOT disappointed in you!! He understands your pain and He will see you through it. Also, understand that most people cant understand the pain and anguish that people with OCD experience. As for you feeling guilty over posting and seeking help from other people, that is bogus. The bible actually tells us to bear each others burdens so dont feel bad about needing others to help you. If you dont have a doctor and/or christian therapist I would try to find one, they can really help. Another thing is, dont focus on sin so much but rather focus on Jesus and learn who you are in Christ. You are a new creation even if you dont "feel" like it sometimes. We have to lean on the truth of the scriptures rather than on our feelings or our own understanding, and Christians are not exempt from illnesses! In fact, the scriptures tell us that in this world we will have tribulations, but take heart, I (Jesus) have overcome the world. I would recommend reading some good books about Christians with OCD like "The OCD Trap" it is written by a Christian author and was very helpful to me. If nothing else it shows you that you are not the only Christian that has had to deal with the kind of unwanted thoughts that you OCD creates. I wish you all the best and will pray for you as well.
Yours in Christ
I have been exactly where you are dear and I know how brutal it is. But, believe me it gets better! This too shall pass. I am a 51 year old male and have had all of the same unwanted thoughts you have mentioned in your post so I can relate. Please understand this above all things... God is NOT disappointed in you!! He understands your pain and He will see you through it. Also, understand that most people cant understand the pain and anguish that people with OCD experience. As for you feeling guilty over posting and seeking help from other people, that is bogus. The bible actually tells us to bear each others burdens so dont feel bad about needing others to help you. If you dont have a doctor and/or christian therapist I would try to find one, they can really help. Another thing is, dont focus on sin so much but rather focus on Jesus and learn who you are in Christ. You are a new creation even if you dont "feel" like it sometimes. We have to lean on the truth of the scriptures rather than on our feelings or our own understanding, and Christians are not exempt from illnesses! In fact, the scriptures tell us that in this world we will have tribulations, but take heart, I (Jesus) have overcome the world. I would recommend reading some good books about Christians with OCD like "The OCD Trap" it is written by a Christian author and was very helpful to me. If nothing else it shows you that you are not the only Christian that has had to deal with the kind of unwanted thoughts that you OCD creates. I wish you all the best and will pray for you as well.
Yours in Christ
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