i'm so annoyed! what should i do?

[aldar]

oh...Jesus wasn't pinto driving hippy...who hugged his followers all the time.

There were times when he rebuked his disciples and said "how long must I do this for you?" like when they couldn't cast the demon out of the boy becuase they lacked faith and fasting.
Your friend needs a gentle nudge over the edge while hes not looking, or he wont ever spread his own wings.

 

[janny108]

I hate to break it to you, but you may need to come down hard on him. Now DON'T take my advice as the only solution because I COULD be wrong and it can be detrimental if i'm wrong. Maybe he has self esteem issues, inferiority issues. If so, you may need to half the heat on my personal solution below. Again, DON'T follow this if wisdom is telling you so because I don't know what he's going through.

Usually when someone does that to me, I try to be patient, but I think you've been patient with him long enough and you may need to lay it straight to him that he's a complainer. You know what God did to the hebrews in the desert when they complained?

Well, to keep it short and simple, God killed them. Okay, I realise this isn't easy and that analogy isn't helping.

A technique a leader did on me once was just to speak gently but firmly. Tell him the truth, he's a major complainer and he needs to get his act together and grow up. Tell him not to waste your time about such things anymore because its just not realistic or reasonable.

If you have to, just hang up on him.

I'm sorry if that will sound rude, but if someone did that to me, I'm not going to let people like that steal my day because someone made a booboo on his knee.

I mean, do what you can to get it through to him. This has gone on long enough. But again, use wisdom, don't be stupid and follow my word like it's some holy commandment. This is just leadership advice.

When someone HABITUALLY complains, you'd handle that differently than if they complained only occasionally. Yes in the first case you'd have to be harder and maybe do some drastic things because you can't allow him to just "dump" on you whenever he needs to "vent".
Jan

 

[renewhope]

more than the venting & dumping, i'm annoyed of his phone calls & texts. as i said, he texts to ask if i got his call; calls to see if i got his email; emails to see if i got his text- often all on the same day!

he called/texted/emailed several times but i have yet to respond to him. he left a message saying he needed to 'vent'

i'm at a point where i NEVER want to even hear his name (even someone else with the same name as him) because i'll just get annoyed and upset like a pavlovian conditioning i have or something with anything that has to even remotely do with him....

i'm planning on calling him in a couple of days to gently tell him to back off. also, to put some common sense in him that he should not be giving attention to ladies who are taken, no matter how much they say their significant others have no control over who they associate with. it's just a perfunctory statement. common sense should teach you to respect the significant other....

** Lord, help me

it's not wrong for me to bring this to his attention, right?

 

[1Newcreation]

This guy sounds like a parasite, I know that sounds horrible, but it seems he is sucking the life out of you.
He also sounds like border line stalker material. After 5 years of not hearing from him, and then a call and now you are back in the same pattern again. He probably spent all of those 5 years tracking you down. There is more to this guy than meets the eye, that is just my personal opinion. The choice of words he uses and his offers of help etc. is almost manipulative, it's a clever way to speak to your emotional side.

Does your boyfriend know about this guy? Probably not right? And 'stalker' guy knows this.
I know you are probably quite capable of fighting your own battles, but maybe a kind but a forceful word from your boyfriend may get the message across to him more clearly.

There is nothing wrong with being assertive and expressing how you feel, nothing wrong about telling this guy to back off. This person needs a male friend, and most definitely the Lord Jesus.

Telling him that 'he should not be paying attention to ladies who are taken' is not direct enough, it is too vague. You must make it very clear and use 'I' messages and 'me' messages.

People will bleed us dry if we allow them to. You got to draw a line. It is alright to protect ourselves emotionally, we cannot be a sponge for others to suck everything out of. I know the Lord gives us strength to be able to do things, but He also gives us wisdom and God's wisdom is needed here.

1newcreation

 

[Praising4eva]

Look up 'co-dependent'. This guy sounds co-dependent. First, when he calls if you answer the phone you could say, "I'm really busy right now and can't talk". If he persists, you just be firm and end the call. You do not have to answer texts.

He is looking for you to fix his problems - put it back on him. When he vents about a situation ask him, "What do YOU need to do to fix it?" "How can YOU do that?"

Look at it this way too... what you are doing is NOT helping him. I work as a counsellor and I get clients that call me at home. Once in a while I don't mind ... when they are regular, I put a stop to it. Not because I don't want to help but because I do. Making them dependent on ME is counter to helping move them to full, functioning individuals. I think it's similar with your friend. By allowing him to unload on you and have all the power in this relationship as to how, how long and when he contacts you (yes, you are) is only encouraging co-dependence and hurting him as a person rather than helping.

How I handle this with clients, which you might be able to adapt to your friend, sit down and your friend and emphasise that you do care for them and you feel that part of caring for him is helping him to manage his own problems because you can't always be available. Make an action plan. "Before you call me, what else could you try?" Maybe he likes writing ... going for a walk ... can distract himself with a shower or TV show or book or something... there are endless things people can do to help themselves. And then make a list of his support network. "If you've tried all those things and you are still unhappy, who is there that you can contact?" (You are not to be on the list or at the top! It could be a family member, for example). Or set times he can ring i.e. Friday night between 7-9. Can you tell him that you've talked for a while and it's obviously isn't resolving the issue for him so you know the name of a good counsellor (and have a number handy to give him). If he insists a counsellor won't help or he can't go then insist you can't either and he needs to try something else.

You could also consider for yourself why it is that you allow this to happen? For someone to tie you up on the phone for 2-3 hours because it's their choice when you don't want to be there suggests to me you need to look at why you do this and what is happening for you at that time. You need to be assertive. Take your life back.

Seriously - look up co-dependent. I think you'll find some 'symptoms' there in your friend.

 

[renewhope]

Praising4eva: yes, i have a BA in psych and have studied the DSM-IV (is there a DSM-V now?) as a part of my curriculum, so i am familiar with co-dependancy. i definitely agree that i need to take control of the situation. he, luckily, has not called me for a couple of days now. i plan on calling him on Monday. ::: brace myself ::: i need to cure myself of my self-inflicted classical conditioning. i think i'll look it up in my handy dandy DSM-IV to refresh my memory; good suggestion!

1NewCreation: lol... more like a blood sucking parasite (oh, forgive me, Lord). no, my boyfriend does not know how annoyed i am. he has called me on several occasions when we were together and i didn't pick up. he asked why i didn't to which i said that he keeps me on the phone too long. i feel reluctant to tell my boyfriend because he's a jealous one. however, it's not me that he does not trust, it's them, him in this case. he has friends. he's always talking about this friend & that friend (none of whom i've met because i never meet with him). you're right. i have to be stearn. but i need to be gentle at the same time. nevertheless, if he still does not get it i will have to be 'blunt.'



thank you so much to all.
when i talk to him about this, i'll update.
i'll probably need some feedback on that as well.

much blessings !!!!!!!

 

[Praising4eva]

The thing with psych is that while it gives useful understanding and background, it doesn't teach how to deal with it (unless you go into post grad/clinical areas later). It's great background for counselling. If you can find a counsellor with some psych in their background, maybe you could work through a management plan with them?

 

[renewhope]

come to think of it, you're right. it tells you the nuts and bolts but doesn't tell you what to do with them.

as far as working out a program, he lives an hour away, and i have quite a busy schedule myself. i didn't lie to him when i told him that i was busy. he's a self-sufficient person. it's just when he talks, he talks A LOT and he tends to vent A LOT. i'm not much of a phone talker and i can take talkers and some complainers. it's just him i cannot stand. i know that sounds really bad, but please read my previous posts on this thread, if you haven't. perhaps by me bringing it to his attention will help him to realize, "hey, this is something i need to and can control." maybe i'm the one who needs the counseling.

do you really think he needs to seek counseling for this? or he's just 'one of those annoying people' who's personality does not match with mine?

additionally, i'm up to my eye balls in time constraints. i'm trying to get into grad school, work full time in an office, and am trying to build up my business partnership...

 

[visionary]

This is psychotic.. obsessive... be very careful...Think all that venting is just on everyone else and doesn't include you if you drop him. You are his connection with sanity. That is his obsessive part. Dropping him can anger him into killing you... Offer to take him to your pastoral council. Prep the councillor first. Hope and pray that the councillor is able to help him.

 

[aldar]

ask your boyfriend to do the talking, too easy...