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i'm so annoyed! what should i do?

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by renewhope, Aug 29, 2007.

  1. renewhope

    renewhope Member

    98
    +12
    Christian
    Private
    i had a friend in high school who talks so much and complains just about everything. he would call me and, trying to be polite, i would tell myself to keep it short and answer. well what i hope to be a five minute conversation turns out to be a two, three, four hour conversation, most of which is him complaining. i tell him i have to get off the phone now, but he just keeps on talking and i don't want to hang up on him either. this would happen every other day for about three years.

    so, finally, i just stopped picking up his calls. he would leave me messages wondering why i won't pick up his calls and asks if i was upset with him. i felt horrible but i just couldn't take it anymore. eventually, he stopped calling.

    until five years later! about a month ago, i get a strange call and when i answer, it's him! apparently, he got my number from someone else and now it's starting all over again. he calls ALL THE TIME wanting to talk and i hardly pick up his calls. when i do, i let him know that "we're all grown up" and i don't have the time to chit chat because of my busy schedule. i tell him i have a boyfriend, tell him i'm super busy, haven't picked up the last 8 calls, etc. but he just does not get that he cannot call me all the time and have long conversations. even if i wasn't so annoyed, it's just not feasible with my schedule. i work two jobs and study for grad school, try to support my family, spend time with the boyfriend, and church. but just the fact that i picked up 1 of the 10 calls, he just keeps doing it.

    he texts me at least once every day, and calls me to leave a message. there was one day he texted me eight times asking me to call him. and i'm fed up now because he texted me this morning AT 6.00 a.m.! :doh: i'm so annoyed of our conversations, mostly of him complaining, and i'm even more annoyed because my phone keeps ringing/beeping because of him.

    i don't want to blow up on him because i'm annoyed of him. i don't want to be mean. but if he doesn't get it with the hints i have been giving him, how else can i get the message to him without offending him?

    any advise is much appreciated ~

    btw, i know he does not have romantic feelings for me and he knows i would never date him. nonetheless, i've noticed that when i give him even the smallest amount of attention, he comes at me full force and the calls are non-stop and i just want to tell him to have some common sense and put two and two together... :( I feel so bad and i pray about it. i pray that the Lord will give me a humble heart and give me a gentle nature to resolve this. however, i need this to stop because it's driving me insane now!:help:
     
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  2. Sharky

    Sharky Rockin dude!

    +157
    Christian
    I hate to break it to you, but you may need to come down hard on him. Now DON'T take my advice as the only solution because I COULD be wrong and it can be detrimental if i'm wrong. Maybe he has self esteem issues, inferiority issues. If so, you may need to half the heat on my personal solution below. Again, DON'T follow this if wisdom is telling you so because I don't know what he's going through.

    Usually when someone does that to me, I try to be patient, but I think you've been patient with him long enough and you may need to lay it straight to him that he's a complainer. You know what God did to the hebrews in the desert when they complained?

    Well, to keep it short and simple, God killed them. :) Okay, I realise this isn't easy and that analogy isn't helping.

    A technique a leader did on me once was just to speak gently but firmly. Tell him the truth, he's a major complainer and he needs to get his act together and grow up. Tell him not to waste your time about such things anymore because its just not realistic or reasonable.

    If you have to, just hang up on him.

    I'm sorry if that will sound rude, but if someone did that to me, I'm not going to let people like that steal my day because someone made a booboo on his knee.

    I mean, do what you can to get it through to him. This has gone on long enough. But again, use wisdom, don't be stupid and follow my word like it's some holy commandment. This is just leadership advice. :)
     
  3. aldar

    aldar Regular Member

    955
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    Married
    US-Democrat
    dont answer anymore call's... just don't... your doing him a favor and forcing him to stop being such a baby and handle these things on his own, he has to learn one day, stopping cuddling him and push him away. It will do him more good than bad becuase it he'll have to deal with it on his own which is the only thing that will help him...some people dont see or do what they need to untill they have too.
    dont worry he wont die...hell be just fine...but for your sake and his dont ever answer his calls again, you dont need him and he doesnt need you.

    forget about him and move on with your life, you've already seen what answering his calls and trying to talk to you will get. Pray for him if you want to, but don't converse with him anymore, don't worry he'll be just fine without you there to be his momma. It will probly help him...if it doesn't... its not your fault and you can't help him, he has to help himself and one day he will, maybe it wont be too painful for him.
     
  4. BrBob

    BrBob Guest

    +0
    I believe Sharkey is more right on this one. To just stop answering his calls could be counterproductive if he changes his number or calls from another one. Also, he won't learn anything positive from you just dropping him without communication.

    He needs to be told carefully and assertively that his calls are too much. He may be a compulsive person, possible obsessive/compulsive and not realize the problem he is causing. This is one of those times when being an adult is a pain in the neck and you have to just swallow your feelings and do it.

    Tell him straight out that you have a boyfriend and these calls are inappropriate. Tell him that a short conversation of possibly 5 minutes now and then may be appropriate but nothing more. Also, set boundaries by saying that if he does call again there will be a 5 minute limit and that you will be reminding him of that limit at the beginning of the conversation. When the 5 minutes are up, end the conversation by hanging up on him if you need to.

    Pray. My advice may be good psychologically but Holy Spirit may want something different.

    Be blessed.

    Bob
    Spearfish, SD
     
  5. alan650

    alan650 Junior Member

    324
    +97
    Christian
    Single
    Loving our neighbors was never supposed to be easy at all times. I'm surprised people are agreeing that you shouldn't answer the calls.

    Show him the love of Christ and BE THERE for him. He is a human as you are and has needs and needs you to show Christ to him. However that doesn't mean you can't tell him how his approach is annoying you so badly but remember the command to walk in love and this situation will work its way out.
     
  6. BrBob

    BrBob Guest

    +0
    Showing the love of Christ has little to do with answering his calls or not. sometimes showing love looks abrupt. That's why I suggested that you make sure to let the person know the boundaries before doing anything.

    Bob
     
  7. ContentInHim

    ContentInHim Guest

    +0
    It's called Tough Love and this fellow needs a dose. You don't mention whether this fellow is a believer or not, but he should be unloading on a male friend, an accountability partner, whatever. Not you!
     
  8. renewhope

    renewhope Member

    98
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    thank you to all...

    no, he is not a believer.
    he has a rather foul mouth as well, which i'd rather not hear as well.

    lol to aldar. i would really like to react to this situation the way that you prescribe, but i would just feel horrible. i stopped answering his calls 5+ years ago for this very reason. but thinking about doing it again just makes me feel horrible because i would not like someone just shutting me out. i'm further not proud of how i handled it the first time either.

    nonetheless, he's a rather sensitive guy and i really do not want to offend him by saying that he cannot call me so often as i do not have time to chit chat and when we do speak, i cannot speak for very long. he would either (1) not respond to my request and just keep on calling, or (2) get offended by thinking i don't enjoy his company when he enjoys mine.

    speaking from a believer's perspective, i need to be patient and kind. in addition, i know i need to preach the Word to him as well, which i do when i can get a word in. however, i can only tolerate so much. i don't want to turn into the "judgemental, hypocritical, etc" christian the world hates. i want to be an example of a Godly woman & believer and show it through the fruits of my heart as emulated in my behaviour. but that sure does not come out when i'm so annoyed!

    am i wrong to think that his contact/attention level is too smothering? my boyfriend doesn't even call me as much as him! :doh:

    i pray that i don't chew his head off and present myself in a Christ-like manner.
     
  9. Ramii

    Ramii New Member

    36
    +3
    Christian
    Private
    You say, "I'm very busy and am not able to spend a lot of time on the phone. I will, however, be happy to catch up with you the second Monday of next month. I will write you on my day planner for between 7:00 and 7:15 pm. I really look forward to hearing from you then. If you want to tell me something sooner than that, write me a letter...and I will make a strong effort to read it."

    Or you say, "I'm sorry but this friendship isn't working out for me. I don't have the time now to invest in our relationship. I'm sorry if this hurts you or disappoints you, but I really need to be honest with you, as you deserve this much. No, no...I really can't discuss it, please forgive me but I need you to move on; please don't call me any more. Good-bye."

    If this person doesn't stop calling - change your number.
    Most likely, you will not have any further problems if you respectfully, clearly, and firmly tell them not to call you anymore.

    Peace.
     
  10. ContentInHim

    ContentInHim Guest

    +0
    :D

    You are being "guilted" into continuing a relationship with someone who has no interest except in unloading and perhaps jumping your bones, who curses in front of you and who ignores that you have a steady boyfriend, who is not a believer, blah blah blah. Why do you believe that you have an obligation to him? Because you truly don't. You are required to love him (from afar), to present Jesus to him (which I doubt he'll listen to but with God nothing is impossible :thumbsup: ) and to send him down the road. Maybe ask your boyfriend if he will take up the cause for you - both the listening and the presentation of Jesus.

    Either way, don't be a doormat! :swoon: You can't do anything about him being offended - it's his problem and he obviously needs some professional counselling!

    Hugs to you! :hug:
     
  11. Our Echelon

    Our Echelon Guest

    +0
    yes
     
  12. Sharky

    Sharky Rockin dude!

    +157
    Christian

    Actually this is where I used to fall as well. People think christians are little baby lambs who won't fight back at anything and shouldn't get angry etc.

    That's incorrect. When you get angry at someone like this, its justified because its quite simply insane to tolerate this. Don't be afraid to offend him because seriously, he is in the wrong. Treat him like a son, lay it straight to him that he needs to grow up or find someone else's shoulder to cry on because as far as you're concerned, this has gone on far enough and you are frankly sick of this.

    Once again though, use wisdom before you do so. And if it makes you feel better, I yell at people too :). Sometimes you just have to scold, get angry, or blast someone (disclaimer: do not take it literally)
     
  13. renewhope

    renewhope Member

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    Private
    lol. how did i tangle myself i such a web!

    i agree with all of you where i need to be stern and share my sentiments. he texted me again. twice. argh.

    i guess the reason why i'm so concerned about not offending him is because i had two really good friends, whom i have known for 20+ years, whom i disclosed to them about things i did not like. (1: didn't like how she person was disclosing personal information to our, more like her, friends to which she quickly said she wasn't slandering/talking behind my back, in not so clean words) and 2: didn't like how she makes awful decisions, knowing that they are wrong, and come crying to me every single time. then, later coming to me telling me that i ruined her life for trying to collect money that she borrowed from me.

    apparently, i offended them and we are no longer friends anymore. quite honestly, they, too, were unbelievers. actually, they claim to be with their mouths but i do not see it in their outward behaviours. i may have been offensive, but i've noticed that the closer i get with God, my social circle has diminished to zero, including those i have not offended. it seems that they distance themselves away from me and i never say anything except small talk & invite them to church or speak about Christ to them...

    staying with the original topic, it does seem like I’m being stepped on, doesn’t it? i think I’ll just (1) ask him to refrain from using foul language around me, (2) ask him to stop complaining when he does, (3) tell him that I just don’t have the time or energy to chit chat and (4) tell him that it’s awkward considering that I have a boyfriend (who happens to be jealous/suspicious of guys who call me more than he does) and it’s inappropriate.

    I still think he’ll be offended though.

    LOL: SHARKY: And if it makes you feel better, I yell at people too :). yes, i have no problem with that either, but for some reason, i just get a guilt trip in this situation because he never really harmed me in any way. he's just annoying and smothering.
     
  14. PureLove

    PureLove Active Member

    359
    +29
    Catholic
    Single
    ohhhh man! Im in a very simular situation and was laughing and crying reading this..I know, I know..I want to be like Jesus, Mary but I can see this is going to turn me into a bad person ...and it seems so simple
    i know its that whole rather die than hurt someones feelings right?
    on the positive side you seem like one really cool and mellow person :)

    good luck!
     
  15. Sharky

    Sharky Rockin dude!

    +157
    Christian
    Hehe, I know the feeling.

    You will just have to get over that guilt trip because that kind of guilt trip doesn't mean squat imo.
     
  16. EternallyPierced

    EternallyPierced Jesus, I am so in love with you.

    +88
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    I agree with Sharky, you have to put your foot down.

    He's going to keep unloading on you unless you tell him otherwise. My mom speaks negatively rather often and I just have to tell her sometimes that I don't want to hear it. Just because we're Christians doesn't mean we have to sit there all neat and pretty with our hands tied behind our back and out mouths taped shut. Maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing or maybe he is just a toxic person. He's obviously having a negative effect on you. He's going to keep complaining to you as long as you allow him too, he has no reason not to.

    So, I would tell him in a very kind and Christ-like attitude that it really bothers you that he is constantly calling and complaining. Whether you decide to impose any limitations on when or how many times a day he calls is up to you but I would definitely say something about it. If not, he's just going to continue to be a drain and a good day spoiler. Like I was always taught, if you don't have something good to say, then don't say anything at all :D

    Hope this helps and I'l be praying for you :D
     
  17. EternallyPierced

    EternallyPierced Jesus, I am so in love with you.

    +88
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    You don't have to phyically touch someone to harm them. Words can just as damaging if not more than physical abuse. My mom has never physically hit me but I have deep emotional wounds that hurt a lot worse. So don't be deceived that just because he isn't being physically abusive that he isn't being harmful to your overall well-being. Your emotional well-being is directly tied to your physical well-being. If one is suffering the other is likely to suffer too. You haven't been hateful or mean, so you have no reason to feel guilty. Don't forget, Satan can use guilt too and it can be a mighty chain if you allow it to be.

    I have faith in you :D Don't allow your guilt to keep you from doing the right thing. I'll be praying for you :D
     
  18. renewhope

    renewhope Member

    98
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    Private
    hi pure love~

    thank you for your kind words. you're quite young, and seem intelligent for your age, indeed. yes, i am generally a mellow person and i'm impressed you got that from my posts!
    _____________________

    eternally pierced:

    thank you so much for your prayers! :wave:

    i know i shouldn't be around negative, toxic people. as iron sharpens iron, right? in that sense i try not to be negative around others as well. i have told him many times that he's just negative sometimes, to which he admits. additionally, it's not just about his complaining that i'm complaining about (pardon, me :sorry: ). it's the level of attention (or unwanted attention, rather). he bugs!

    and what i mean by him not harming me is he compliments me quite often, offers to do things for me (i.e.: offers to help me out if i need it, which i have never accepted; he just offers), chose me over other friends because he considers me a good friend (i.e.: in high school, this other guy forced a kiss on me and i pushed him away. then goes around telling everyone that we made out, which is so not true. the 'bugger' knew this was not true and defended me, which i didn't find out until years later through someone else). he's a genuinely nice person.

    i'm sure a girl who shares the same sentiments can have a wonderful friendship with him. he's kind, nice, funny, definitely lets you know he's there, boy does he let you know. but for me, he just talks way too much. also, he treats me like i'm his girlfriend or something, but i know he doesn't have romantic feelings for me; he's just fond of me as a person. in today's standards, he would not be considered toxic. trust me, i've had enough toxic people in my life to discern that. he's just annoying.

    if anything, i just think the attention is inappropriate considering that i have a boyfriend. wouldn't you question it if your girlfriend has a male friend who calls/texts/emails her more than you? sure, you believe her when she says that there's nothing more than friendship, but wouldn't his behaviour bother you even a little bit? even if i was not in a relationship, it's just too much. all within the month after he got my number, he's calling at least once a day, sometimes 3-4 times a day, texting at 6 in the morning, randomly texting good night, emailing to ask if i got his texts, texting if i got his email... the list goes on.

    oh, and on a side note, my sister & ex-roommate thought he was annoying too. we had caller i.d. and whenever he would call from 5 years ago, they would cringe at the thought of picking up that call because they knew he'd keep them on the phone for hours. :doh:


    it's like this:

    Him: "hi, i think you're a great person and i really enjoy your company. it's hard to find good friends these days and i'm so happy to be in contact with you again. let's be best friends."

    Me: "yes we can be friends, but you need to stop bugging me. You bug me because you call too much and talk too much. oh, and i think you complain too much, but i can handle that for now."

    how is that not offensive from his perspective when all he wants is to just be good friends?

    sorry for the long posts. i just really don't know how to tell someone who is fond of me as a person that they're bugging the crap out of me and it needs to stop.
     
  19. EternallyPierced

    EternallyPierced Jesus, I am so in love with you.

    +88
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Lol, I feel your pain. I've had similar instances of people repetitively bugging me. Does your boyfriend know about these constant calls? If so, what does he think about them? I know that my fiance would be highly perturbed about someone calling me all throughout the day, especially in the wee hours of the morning.

    Just out of curiousity, how do you know that he doesn't have romantic feelings for you? I'm not saying that he does, he might just be a very needy/clingy type person. But do you really know for a fact that he doesn't have some type of romantic feelings for you?

    My advice to you, for the sake of your sanity and relationship, would be to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable that he calls you so much. If you were single that would be one thing but the fact that you have a boyfriend makes it a whole other story. I know if my fiance recieved numerous calls or even one call a day that lasted for hours, I would be very uncomfortable with it. It's not that I wouldn't trust her, it's the guy that would me leery. So, whatever the reason behind his constant calling, it's not healthy for you or your relationship. Of course, all of this is just my opinion :D

    Don't feel bad about the long post, I'm a long poster too :thumbsup: :D
     
  20. aldar

    aldar Regular Member

    955
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    hey... look, you have to understand that like children need to cry before they'll learn anything... you aren't going to help him by giving him everything he wants. You aren't helping him by lending him an ear or by talking to him, if you have told him everything that you can...tried to help him everyway you can..its time for you to back away. Or hell never learn, becuase he doesn't have to. He is almost a grown man... he isn't going to cry forever, if he doesn't get a good dose of real life hell never learn. you ignored him for 5 years? and he kept calling? Don't you think thats a little obsessive? ..it isn't your problem, he is going to have to help himself and truely he never willl while you cuddle him becuase he doesnt have too. He's almost a grown man... isn't it a shame to see him like this? well help him out... you don't have to be mean but push his long overdue butt out of the nest.

    I'm not being a jerk...but you aren't helping him by talking to him. he is drawing security and comfort from you...not answers...thats why his problems never cease. Unless you want to be his security blanket indefinitely... you have to push him away and make him do it himself, its a part of life, parents do it to children, nature does it to animals, its just a part of life. and he needs to grow up.
     
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