I'm really afraid that I might be evil

[The Blue Stare]

I'm really sorry, I know everybody is proabably getting sick of me posting threads about my problems since I think this is my fourth thread on it. I just need to get it out or something.

I'm getting the suspicion that God doesn't want me to be saved and it's terrifying me. When I was a little kid up until I was about 13 I had asked God to make me a Christian probably a total of around 50 times, and yes I know it only needs to happen once. I am sincere about wanting to follow Jesus and be a godly person but I suspect I might have an evil soul or something. For about a year (a couple of years ago a little after my depression started) I got really really messed up and honestly thought I was the antichrist and that there was a demon that was always telling me what to do and was going to rip out my spirit and take over my body when the time came. But that's gone now and everytime I pray and ask God to comfort me, I feel better for about 2 minutes until I suspect it was my emotions playing tricks on me and that God doesn't love me because I actually am an evil spirit or something. I don't want to be evil and I love God, but at the same time I'm kind of afraid of Him. I'd be scared to see Him face to face because even if I knew for a fact that I was going to heaven I'd still be really afraid of what he would do to me before He let me in. I'm scared that He would first mess with my mind and scare me until he made me cry and then He would let me in. I feel so terribly ashamed to think such a thing but this is what's bothering me. The fact that I'm scared of God only reinforces my suspicion that I'm pure evil. This is causing me immense mental, emotional, and physical distress. I fear I'm on the very verge of losing it and my body might just permanently shut down one day because I'm so overwhelmed.

I'm not making all of this stuff up so please don't accuse me of that.

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

Sweetie, if you were pure evil, you wouldn't feel remorse for your thoughts! God would NEVER try to scare you or make you cry. HE LOVES YOU!!! The fact that you are worried about this shows that you DO care, and that you ARE saved. You only have to ask once, and He will free you of all your sins. BUT, you have to do your part too. You can't just ask Him for help, and poof, he'll help you. As my pastor puts it, "get up, pick up your mat, and move on". You ask him to comfort you, but you have to make sure you stay in that comfort. Whenever you feel fear, sing praises about him, read your Bible! It works!! It may be hard to see right now, but He is working in you! There is a spiritual battle going on and God will win. He will make sure your soul is safe. Look at this as something you HAVE to go through in order to remain strong in the faith. It will make you stronger! But, like I said, you have to do your part. When you pray for healing, make sure you are reading your Bible. Sing praises to Him whenever you feel the fear coming on. Meditate on Him when you are afraid. Trust me, IT WORKS!!!

And by the way, fear of God is proof you love Him. If you follow His word and remain faithful to Him, He will let you into the Kingdom. Mocking is something I KNOW He will NOT do.

 

[FoundInJesus]

Wow. First of all, take a deep breath and calm down. What you're dealing with right now is a spiritual warfare. I can tell by your sincerity that you do love God. Please believe me when I tell you that you are not evil. You do not have an evil spirit. I think what is going on is you are under attack by an evil spirit. Do NOT confuse this with you being evil. You are not! I've found that many times Satan can seem to get in our head and make us think things that aren't true. God does love you and He will not play games with you. If you are sincere about following Jesus then you also need to believe. I think you're lacking a little bit in the faith department. You need to delve into the Bible and strengthen your faith. Read in the New Testament about God's incredible love and faithfulness. Don't ever allow Satan to control your thoughts like he is. In fact, I would recommend talking to a Christian counselor. They can point you in the right direction and help you more than I can. I also recommend that whenever these thoughts enter your head or you feel insecure about your relationship with God, repeat OUT LOUD, "I rebuke this in the name of Jesus Christ. I am saved and I do love the Lord. I command these demonic thoughts to leave me alone. I have power and authority of my thoughts, given to me by Jesus Christ when He died on the cross and I will not accept them anymore." You will be freed from this. Delve into the Bible and study it, don't just read it. I'm praying for you. You can defeat this. Trust in God!!

 

[Daughter of His]

Hi Blue Stare,

First I so agree with AniontoneteMarie and FoundInJesus both have given you good advice !!

You are God's child and as His child you are given permission in the bible to call on the name of Jesus. There is power in the name of Jesus. Once I had an attack from the enemy and was nearly paralyzed with fear, all I could say was Jesus over and over and at first I could barely even do that. Doing nothing more my problem was dissolved. I still have to contend with the suggestions the enemy puts in my head, similar to that of yours that you are evil but it is a lie, you are not evil. Don't accept such thoughts. I say, "In the name of Jesus I rebuke that thought." (to myself if I'm around others) Replace the negative thought with a blessing, for example, God watches over me and I am valuable and loved by Him. Or find other promises in the Bible. Reading the Bible and praying will help. I'll pray too!!

 

[The Blue Stare]

Thanks so much all of you for your help. I know some of what I said might sound a little exaggerated but it's all true what's happening to me. It would be nice if I could get some form of Christian counseling but I can't tell anybody face to face what's going on. It's easy on the internet, but I just can't do it in real life. Thanks again so much for helping me to feel a little bit better, I just hope it will last.

 

[lking4him]

When I try to pray I get bad thoughts. Like "F" god or when I'm trying to read the bible I get "this is BullSh**" then I say my prayers really fast and tend not to talk to GOD so much because I'm afraid of the thoughts. Are they evil thoughts coming from me? I am trying to grow close to GOD and walk in the Christian Faith why in the world would I suddenly think "F" god?!?!?!? Then I get scared and think that I blew it and God doesn't like me anymore because I'm thinking bad thoughts. I have anxiety because I think wierd thoughts like "You are going to die in an hour" or the word "heartattack" just comes to mind.. Wierd things like that! I agree that I think it's evil but not from within me. I believe it is Satan and his demon's way of trying to break me down. Satan is the liar right? He wants to make you feel bad so he's going to try to trick you into thinking the things that scare you. So just keep trying to fight it. Keep reading the bible and keep praying good thoughts. When I have been getting these thoughts I have been saying "here God, I give this to you. I don't know where it is coming from and I certainly don't mean it or want to think it! I give it to you GOD because you have power over it and you can help me"

I don't know the right answer to your delimma but I certainly know how you feel. I can tell you this much that if you have asked Jesus to be your Savior and you believe then the promise is that you are saved. You just have to believe that and keep working on your faith and walk as a Christian. I believe you also have to go by what you believe GOD wants you to do and do it. So if you are drinking or smoking or doing anything that is not in God's plan you should stop because the stronger your obedience I believe the stronger your relationship is with GOD.

Just my 2 cents worth. I pray that you do find some counseling. I finally just admitted to a friend about my bad thoughts while praying. There was no judgement from him. He understood completely. Any true Christian will and you need to reach out to people here on earth that GOD has put here to help others. You aren't the only one with these thoughts. You aren't going to shock a Christian Counselor. Trust GOD to lead you

God Bless

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

Sweetie, trust me you will conquer this. I am going throught this kind of thing right now, and it isn't fun. My doctor told me I am close to having a anxiety disorder, and I get nervous sometimes for no reason. I am fighting it, and I will get over it. SO WILL YOU!! Fight! Ask God for help, and He wil comfort you.

 

[PjC23565]

wow im going throught the same thing. ill be praying for you. hang in there. god loves you no matter what you do. he knows that you are struggling. god bless you!

 

[FoundInJesus]

That's exactly right. God knows what you are going through and He is there for you. He loves you and He doesn't want you to be trapped under the lies of the devil any longer. Stand on the Word of God and fill your thoughts with positive, uplifting things. Replace evil with God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. We're all here for you if you want to keep posting. Hang in there, be strong, and keep your chin up. You can get through this!

 

[The Blue Stare]

I only felt better for a couple of days, now I can barely even get to sleep anymore. I thought I was doing good.

I'm absolutely paranoid that I will upset God. I can't stop worrying. I'm really afraid that God won't forgive me for some of the stuff I've done before. I wish I was never born, being a Christian is so hard. I want to please God but I don't know what to do.

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

just be yourself!! don't worry so much. He knows your heart. He knows you are sincere in pleasing Him. Trust me, He DOES forgive, no matter what you do.

 

[The Blue Stare]

I still can't stop worrying though. It amazes me how fast and often I fluxuate between comforted and assured and worried and falling apart. I keep trying to convince myself that it's just the devil beating up on me but it's really hard, I can't make it stop for long no matter how hard I pray. I feel so guilty that I can't just trust God 100%. Like I said I keep bouncing back and forth between the two extremes all day. Due to this I'm afraid of falling asleep yet I'm afraid of staying up most of the time unless I'm on CF. I can't take this, I need it to stop.

 

[FoundInJesus]

You're very right, you do need this to stop. It's time for you to stand up and not accept it anymore. Read in the Bible, focus on God's Word, and see what a compassionate and loving God He truly is. He's not some sick being who wants to play with His creation. He loves you so much, more than you can ever imagine and all He wants is you. He knows you're not perfect and He knows you make mistakes, but He also can look at your heart and sense your sincerity. Satan is feeding off of your insecurity and you need to stop letting him. Stand up against those thoughts of fear and rebuke them in the name of Jesus. You don't have to listen to the lies of the devil any longer. You can be made whole through the power of our Lord, Jesus Christ. Read the Bible, meditate on it day and night. God will pull you throuth this.

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

AMEN, FoundInJesus!!!

 

[Alive again]

hi, I usually post in the bp forum, but saw the title of your post and thought I would check in. Please don't forget what is truly a symptom of physical illness. I struggle with issues like this as well. Please know I am praying for you right now and will continue to do so.

Please remember that the organ effected by illness is our brain and our brain effects our thoughts. Does Satan use these thoughts to attack us, yeah he can, but it can also just be thoughts from our illness. Irregardless, between propre medication and proper spiritual warfare as many have already address, the battle can be undertaken. At times all the control I have had has been to pray, Lord, Help!!! I think you know that you cannot be intrinsically evil, especially if you have accepted Jesus as your Saviour. If you have accepted Him, it is FINISHED. Nothing we do, say or think will change our eternal status. One of the most powerful things that helps me sleep is a tape of music or nature sounds in the background that also has bible verses, frequently from Psalms or the New Testament. Words of comfort that play while I sleep. Another thing that has helped me is to literally ask my Dad in Heaven if I can take a nap in Hislap/arms. Do not be afraid to ask Him for peace and rest. I frequently claim the verses of renewing my mind and taking every thought captive for Christ. And yes, sometimes it only works for a little while and sometimes longer, but it is a combination of my choice and HIS strength and my meds, for I cannot fight this battle in my strength alone. Remember our feelings are fleeting and not necessarily accurater to reality. God promises the peace that passes all understanding-a peace that has nothng to do with our surroundings and feelings, this is tha same with all of the fruits of the spirit. They are a state of being, not a feeling. Don't rely on feelings, but on the Word of God, the promises of God, these are a rock solid reality!!! And know that you are a beloved child of the King, completely accepted, loved beyond measure!!!!!

Blessings and Prayers

 

[The Blue Stare]

Thanks for your advice everyone. This will be extremely hard to get through. I'm still terrified though. Once in my depression I grew really bitter towards God for about a year and now I'm terrified that I made Him angry or will make Him angry. I was extremely stupid.

I wish I could've died when I was a baby, I'm just too weak for this life. I feel like an embarrassment to God.

 

[Writer before God]

Funny thing Wow the devil is pure evil ... lmao I thought the exact same things b4.. but i decide that i wasnt and came to CHrist wahooo!!! The devil plays the same tricks always.. lmao The BIBLE IS SO RIGHT WHEN IT SAYS THAT WE WILL COME AGAINST TEMPTATIONS THAT ARE ONLY COMMON TO MAN WAHOO!!!

 

[JonniesGirl]

Someone once showed me this verse from the bible:

James 4:7-8



7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you.


That has got me through many a troubled situation. Whenever I feel under attack, I think of this verse and it settles me. Even if I don't feel the effects straight away, I feel comfort knowing that these are the inspired words of God - words that He wants to share with ALL of us.

Whenever I really struggle and feel the atack is more than I can cope with, I claim that verse, personally, and say it out loud "I submit myself to you God. I resist you Devil - in the name of Jeus Christ, BE GONE!" The devil has no hold over you. If you tell him to go, in the name of Jesus, he can't stay! Claim it, and believe it. It's yours.

I know you said you can't talk to anyone face to face, but I would urge you to either try and talk to your church minister, or look up a local Christian counselling place. Having someone you know you can go to when things get bad can be a huge comfort. Of course all your friends in CF are here for you, but having someone you can go to can be of huge benefit also.

God bless you, sweetie. We're all praying.

JG

 

[The Blue Stare]

I'm afraid God doesn't want me to be saved anymore. I'm trembling and going into a panic attack...

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

hi, I usually post in the bp forum, but saw the title of your post and thought I would check in. Please don't forget what is truly a symptom of physical illness. I struggle with issues like this as well. Please know I am praying for you right now and will continue to do so.

Please remember that the organ effected by illness is our brain and our brain effects our thoughts. Does Satan use these thoughts to attack us, yeah he can, but it can also just be thoughts from our illness. Irregardless, between propre medication and proper spiritual warfare as many have already address, the battle can be undertaken. At times all the control I have had has been to pray, Lord, Help!!! I think you know that you cannot be intrinsically evil, especially if you have accepted Jesus as your Saviour. If you have accepted Him, it is FINISHED. Nothing we do, say or think will change our eternal status. One of the most powerful things that helps me sleep is a tape of music or nature sounds in the background that also has bible verses, frequently from Psalms or the New Testament. Words of comfort that play while I sleep. Another thing that has helped me is to literally ask my Dad in Heaven if I can take a nap in Hislap/arms. Do not be afraid to ask Him for peace and rest. I frequently claim the verses of renewing my mind and taking every thought captive for Christ. And yes, sometimes it only works for a little while and sometimes longer, but it is a combination of my choice and HIS strength and my meds, for I cannot fight this battle in my strength alone. Remember our feelings are fleeting and not necessarily accurater to reality. God promises the peace that passes all understanding-a peace that has nothng to do with our surroundings and feelings, this is tha same with all of the fruits of the spirit. They are a state of being, not a feeling. Don't rely on feelings, but on the Word of God, the promises of God, these are a rock solid reality!!! And know that you are a beloved child of the King, completely accepted, loved beyond measure!!!!!

Blessings and Prayers

Yes, Yes, YES!! I know exactly what you are going though. I am close to having an anxiety disorder, according to my doctor. I have prescribed to me Xanax, and I usually need it at night. I worry about something bad happening at night (being robbed, an earthquake, etc) and I have trouble sleeping because of it. But, by praying, reading the Bible and taking my meds, I feel as if I am getting better, and that I am almost healed. If it wasn't for God, I don't know how I would be. Always remember that He will help you, but you also have go put in some effort to get better as well. If you were a drug addict, and asked God for help to be healed, but continued to use drugs, you wouldn't be doing your part, right?? He heals, but we have to make sure that we actually give an effort to make sure we are free from what is hurting us.

I'm afraid God doesn't want me to be saved anymore. I'm trembling and going into a panic attack...

OK, sweetie, take a deep breath, think of Jesus , say His Name over and over, and remember it will go away. Be strong, and ask Him for comfort. You will get through this! I promise!! Go see your doctor, and tell him/her what you are going through. You sound like what my husband was going through a few years ago. He was slipping into depression (his job was REALLY stressing him out). He prayed to God for healing, and went to see his doctor. His doctor put him on Zoloft, and with pryaer and meds, he is better than ever. Talk to your doctor, remember, IT DOESN'T SOUND STUPID TO THEM. They see SO MANY people who are going through what you are going through. They are here to help us. Do you know how stupid I felt when I told my doctor why I was feeling this way? They won't laugh at you!! They will help you get better. Go see your doctor. Get the help you need. You WILL feel better, because you WILL have God on your side.