Im not sure if I want to live anymore.

[PINKl0ve376]

Welll I grew up in a christian family. My grandmother was one of the most religious people you could have ever met. She always wanted me to become a christian. & both my parents and sister are Christians too. When I was around 7 I accepted Jesus into my life. From then on I was almost high on Jesus. I have over 20 bibles. I would read and study like crazy. I went to study groups, youth group, sunday school, church, I worked in the nursery, went to workcamps, ect.

Well when i got to highschool I started drifting away from God. I got made fun of for everything I believed in so I stopped mentioning it. I started drinking and swearing. By sophomore year I tried pot. I used to be so smart. Straight A student and my grades were okay but never as good and I had no motivation to do anything. By junior year I started fooling around with guys. No guy had ever wanted to date me so I started hanging out with a junior in college and I would go over his house on the weekends and and we would/drink smoke and hookup. Well my parents found out after awhile and I felt so ashamed in myself and after he knew my parents knew he never talked to me again. Over the summer I started hanging out with a kid from work who I thought liked me, he could make me smile no matter what he said and was one of the nicest guys ever. We hooked up but I didnt think he was using me. Well that didnt last long. He started dating girls and not talking to me, and then when he broke up with them would call me up to have sex again. & I wanted him to like me so I agreed.

One time at a party entering my senior year I was so drunk I ended up having sex with someone I definitely didnt want to and I dont remember any of it. I was videotaped the whole time it happened and I still to this day cant get over it. Later that year one of my best friends thought I got too drunk again and started hitting me and punching me in the head. I called her a <Staff Edit> I didnt even know what I was saying and she proceeded to hit me and then locked me in a upstairs room. My other best friend came upstairs like an hour later and slept with me in the same bed and wouldnt leave me all night and took me home early in the morning. I never was friends with that other girl again though.

I became really depresseed. I started cutting myself. My friends spent more times with their boyfriends than me. My parents hated me for all my sneeking around and bad decisions. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. The only thing I could love and hold on to was my dog. I ended up having sex that guy from work again and a guy who just graduated college. I was the reason the kid from work cheated on his gf and she never found out and I always feel so guilty. I dont even know what love is anymore ive had so many <Staff Edit>ed up relationships. I have sex to feel loved and I end up feeling more empty.

Senior year my grades became D's I didnt want to move through the day. I was a dancer and hated dance. I barely even went to it.

Now im in college. I attend Liberty University in Virginia. Its one of the biggest christian schools. My parents made me come. I hate it here I have no friends, its so far away, I hate the food and Im not doing that well. I dont even want to live anymore. I hate myself, my body. Everytime I look into the mirror I hate myself even more.If I didnt think when Id die id go to hell id prolly have killed myself already. I dont understand why I am here I dont want to be here. I read some of revelations tonight and Im afraid of God and of death. I want to believe in God but still be able to do things that I previously did that arent approved by God. Im so lost and miserable. I dunno I dunno whats going to happen.

I need help. I feel like I should talk to someone but idk who.

 

[MoNiCa4316]

sister..first I just want to tell you that Jesus has loved you through it all, you can come back to Him at any moment, and He will not not turn you away.. remember the story of the prodigal son?
I know what it feels like to not want to live anymore, I felt this way too. But then later I saw that this was all illusion, it was despair, but not the truth.. because whatever is making us so miserable that we want to die, it is not ever above God. He is still stronger. Did you try just praying? I mean really praying from your heart. Look just don't give up
I have a really messed up past and I did a lot of wrong things..and it was really hard to let go of some of them, but I see now that they were just hurting me, and destroying my soul bit by bit..at first it wasn't that bad, but over time it just got worse. You know God has something SO much better for you. I think we're all searching for something but in all the wrong places, and whatever we're seeking can only be found in Christ. I've experienced this and I wasn't always a Christian, I used to be agnostic and as I said I have a sinful past. God can change lives around.
If you don't mind I'll pray for you. I'm here if you want to talk. Also do you know anyone like a pastor you can talk to?
Please keep us updated.
God bless

 

[*Kairos]

It takes courage to be able to speak about your life. No one is perfect, we are ALL sinners and not worthy of God's love and mercy. That's why it's amazing that He still loves us no matter, we just have to repent of our sins.

I want to believe in God but still be able to do things that I previously did that arent approved by God. Im so lost and miserable. I dunno I dunno whats going to happen.

You say that you want to believe in God but you want to be able to keep doing things that aren't approved by God, but look at the misery these choices have brought to your life. You cannot follow the ways of the world and follow Christ at the same time, you must choose. I understand you have been using these things to fill that void inside you, but they are only digging you into a deeper hole.

I need help. I feel like I should talk to someone but idk who.

Please feel free to PM me anytime, but most importantly you should make an appointment with a Christian counselor at your school if you already haven't, or a Pastor. You are not alone, and you are not unloved. You have my prayers.

 

[Rhamiel]

Jesus still loves you so much, He came to take away our sins, He offers you His forgiveness.
Romans 7:15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
You hate your sins but you do them anyway, I know what that is like, bad habits take a while to get over, it will not happen overnight, and you can not beat yourself up everytime you mess up, God loves you so much and He is there for you to pick you up every time you fall. Someone said to me recently "I don't know any people who aren't addicts of one sort or another. Most people aren't honest about their problems" you are honest, you have told people what your problems are, you hate your sins and you have admited to others that you have problems. That is an amazing start, many people live their entire lives, 50, 60, 70, years and never get as far as admiting they have a problem.
A lot of people get into the same things that you have, you just want to be loved and you made some bad choices on how to get others to love you.
I have done the same thing, and I tore my self up over it, I let my life fall apart because I thought that is what I deserve. You can't do that to yourself though, Jesus loves you and He wants to take away your pain.
Have you thought about talking to a counciler? Your school should have something like that.
I know how hard it is to go on when you hate yourself, but please, trust in Him, your life will get better, this pain will go away and it will be replaced by love and peace and joy, remember how happy you were as a child? It will be better then that, because you will be a more mature person with a more mature relationship with our Lord, and you will understand how bad life is when it is filled with sin so you will charish living in the Love and Grace of the Lord even more, you will understand what a wonderful gift it is.

 

[Utah Knight]

All of us have things we regret but you have to relze the past is just that. We need to learn from the past live in the present make the best of it and understand the now is what makes the future. You always must rember that to sin is to be human and God loves you just the same.

 

[michaeldh92647]

You can't do the things you used to do and still be a follower of God. It sounds like you are not happy where you are. Try talking to your folks about it and explain to them how truly unhappy you are. Most important though is that you step away from sin and don't look back. Seek some counseling for the suicidal feelings you have and keep coming back to places like this forum. There are a lot of people that are struggling with the same thing as you. Its nice to have a fellowship and to be able to talk about it without fear of being persecuted or looked at strangley. Stay strong and keep the faith.

 

[nathan57]

The actions of your past have brought you to a place you dont want to be, but with repentance you can change your life. Your actions were not the best, but we are all young at one point and we all make mistakes. The Lord allows us to change though, one who lives in sinful ways has the opportunity to turn away and become a new person.

It isnt too late to turn away form your past, and such a change of heart bring joy to Him. remember that you are loved here, and your loved by Him. Times are tough for you, but you can make it. You have the strength to turn yourself around, have faith in The Lord. Seek strength and guidence from Him, He is more than willing to help you out.

At the end of the day, when all signs point to "No" The Lord is the One who points to "Yes"

Keep me updated if you can though PM, we are all in this life together.
Nathan

 

[carmeneterror]

Your post has gotten me all teary-eyed. I know -exactly- how you feel but listen to me, Jesus loves you and no matter where all these other people go or what they do and how they feel about you, HE will always be there and He is ALL you need. It's hard to believe sometimes but put all of your faith in Him and you will not be disappointed.

I know you want to keep partaking in some sinful behavior, I know it's hard to give that all up but I am sure you know that it is harmful to not only your physical well-being but also mental! Give it all up and turn to God because He loves you and is ready for you whenever you need Him.

Also I think you should take advantage of the fact that you attend a Christian university. I'm sure they have some Christian-based counseling you could go to because sometimes hearing all this stuff in person is exactly what you need. Please give this a chance, I know how hard it is.

I was so lowly when I accepted God about 20 days ago. I asked Him to help me, a sinful nonbeliever of 7+ years, and He did! I gave up most of my friends, the drugs, the sexual immorality, all of my God-bashing music (because it causes me to stumble in my faith), and I still am struggling in certain aspects since my decision but let me tell you, I have the beginnings of happiness! For the first time in years. And I still start to feel depressed sometimes but I pray to God and feel relief almost immediately instead of cutting myself or going days without eating just to feel OK about my body.

I'm not going to pretend the first week of my acceptance was the easiest; in fact, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I was plagued by nightmares, even sleep paralysis, most nights. I had to resist offers to do more drugs, I had to throw my sexual thoughts out the window. And I cried every day but I told myself if I could just push forward everything would be better... AND IT WAS! And it's an ongoing struggle but I read some of the Bible every day and pray each night. And I've found that listening to contemporary Christian music (I could send you some inspirational rock music if you'd like) helps to back up my faith because music influences me a lot. Another thing is... it's great to have support in your decision. What I mean is: get out more! Go to church! Join some extracurricular activities, push yourself to dance more even though you dislike it right now! Find some Christian friends.

I guess that's all I have to say right now but please think it over... and throw a message my way if you need someone to talk to/relate to. God bless!

 

[UnitynLove]

I understand where you are coming from. I once wanted to have one foot in the world and the other in God's kingdom, but it never worked out. I started to drift from God and caring more about what people thought than what God thought and I was miserable!! Until one day I read the scripture "I set before you this day life and death, choose life" I had to choose between the world and its ways and God. Once I chose God my happiness, joy, and peace all returned unto me. I think you have to make the decision to choose God.