I never in a million years thought I would be writing something like this. I used to have such a good life, and I was always really careful with my life. This is really hard to explain and really hard to understand. It would probably be helpful if you don't try to convince me that I can be saved because I can no longer be saved. My heart is broken. Others have done things like lead me in the sinners prayer and other insulting things that won't save me. Reading my Bible won't save, praying won't save me, going to church won't save me, nothing I do and nothing I believe at this point. See, I was dating my now husband and the Holy Spirit was on my back to give up the relationship. I tried, and tried, and tried but in the end we ended up getting married DESPITE the fact that God actually told me that I would go to hell if I married my now husband. I just figured, hey, this has nothing to do with salvation because salvation is free. Wrong. I look back now and see how I misunderstood the gospel and many seasoned Christians still misunderstand it. For example, repentance and salvation are NOT available until death. There are many examples in the Bible where people run out of time. Everyone wants to picture God as this never ending super nice guy but He has limits/rules. Okay back to my problem. I did what the rich ruler did. Giving up his possessions was required for his salvation but he kept them and walked away sad. Giving up this relationship of mine (back then) was required for my salvation and I kept it and walked away sad. Even though everything inside of me was screaming no about this marriage, I did it anyway. I had so much anxiety at the time. I let him pressure me into it even though I really wanted to call it quits. Which makes me mad because I shared the gospel with him and now he is the thriving believer while I am going to hell. I have been hospitalized 10x. I live in constant torment. I'm scared all the time, all I ever think about is an eternity in hell. I breathe heavy and/or hyperventilate, I can't participate in family life. I useless and worthless. My husband does everything. I can't home school the kids, I can't cook, I can't get groceries. All I really do is laundry. I want a normal family life but I wont' get it if I'm going to hell. God made His will very clear and I didn't do it. Only he who does the will of my Father will see the kingdom of Heaven. "He who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is not fit for service in the kingdom of God" Luke 9:62 Everyone has tried to comfort me but it doesn't work because only the Holy Spirit can do that and He's not doing it. I never could have imagined this happening. What do I do? I can't end my life but yet I can't function and be the mom my kids need. Please help.
