I'm been feeling horrible

[LaundrySoap]

I've been feeling horrible since May. I broke up with my bf on May 13th, and I've been feeling miserable ever since. I was 27 when we started dating, and we dated for a little over a year. My age is relevant because I waited 27 years for a boyfriend. And what did I get? I got a man who, while he was patient and kind, also had morals that I just couldn't live with. While we never went "all the way" physically, there were several times where we did go farther than I was comfortable with. But I was convinced if I just stayed with him long enough, we'd get married, but after we broke up he told me he wasn't close to marriage.

He moved on about a month after we broke up, started talking to another girl and just the last 2 weeks now he's been bringing her to church.

It was pretty much a mutual breakup, but he left me because my anxiety was too much for him to handle. He told me he cared about me and that I'm going to make someone else happy. And I've tried to meet new people; I went on my first date a couple days ago. I ended up not being attracted to him but also, I wanted him to have the same opinions on some stuff as my ex. I wanted him to be my ex in some ways, but not others.

I can't seem to move on. I'm angry and depressed.

I don't want to go to another church, even though I see him all happy with another girl when I go to my current church. I am dreading Sundays. And throughout the week I just get consumed with anger and sadness. And the anger isn't just "grr someone cut me off in traffic." It's so intense ans powerful, I feel like I'm drowning.

I miss my ex! Even though it was a bad match! It's been over 2 months now and it just hurts so bad. I waited 27 years to find someone and I got hurt, badly. I'm so tired and I want to feel better and I'm just not really feeling better. I do see a therapist but it's just so hard to continue to go through each day.

 

[PloverWing]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you have a therapist. Is there anyone else in your life you can confide in, just to vent and to be with someone while you heal?

If you feel close to the edge, please take advantage of the suicide lifeline at 988. (See Home)

 

[BobRyan]

I've been feeling horrible since May. I broke up with my bf on May 13th, and I've been feeling miserable ever since. I was 27 when we started dating, and we dated for a little over a year. My age is relevant because I waited 27 years for a boyfriend. And what did I get? I got a man who, while he was patient and kind, also had morals that I just couldn't live with

Your problem appears to be with Christ.

If you want your husband to be a substitute-Christ for you - then you are destined for bucket full of disappointment.

I have two never-married daughters in their 40's , never dated, never married, software engineers who have had a number of men interested in them over the years but they realized that those men would not bless their marriage for they still had not settled on accepting Christ fully.

Your first step is to stop and make sure that you are in fact "complete in Christ" without needing a boyfriend or husband as a crutch, substitute for Jesus. I heard one woman say to her husband "you are my god on earth". That is a very bad place to be.

Col 2: 8 See to it that there is no one who takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception in accordance with human tradition, in accordance with the elementary principles of the world, rather than in accordance with Christ. 9 For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, 10 and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over every ruler and authority;​

A lot of people claiming to be Christians today are absolutely NOT "Complete in Christ" because they lean on "the arm flesh". They would trade off Christ in a heartbeat if the right person came along and provided all their needs as they deemed those needs to be.

Even many pastor are handing out little more than plastic-feel-good-Christianity instead of what Christ taught in the Gospels. Party-church is the wide-road in Matt 7. It can only end in tears.

God alone - is God. IF you put someones else in His chair - you will always be disappointed.
The rest of us are all "a work in progress" Everyone has a sinful nature. Everyone battles with the flesh.

That means everyone needs to confess and repent and rely on the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit to give them success as we see in Romans 8.

Your husband is not your pastor, your god or your parents. As an adult you must first find God, embrace salvation, determine to be complete in Christ - which takes a miracle. Determine to shut of TV/Radio/Movies/ junk-food-for-the-brain. Only use those avenues for adding the things of God in your life.

First step is to focus on the life of Christ as you find it in the gospels. Start reading it - see if you find Jesus saying that Satan leaves Christians alone and that this is not a life-or-death situation for each person on the Earth. We are in a war zone according to Ephesians 6.

Here is a commentary on the Life of Christ -- commit today to pray your way through reading it. It will then change your life.

Desire of Ages: (The Life of Christ)

 

[timf]

A breakup is usually hard and there can be significant "after shocks" that trigger all sorts of emotions, especially if you see him frequently. One therapeutic step to take is that each time you see him, thank God for sparing you a marriage of pain. Living by yourself is always better than living with a mistake.

You might consider an adult bible study where you can observe someone's character over time and make a better selection.

 

[anetazo]

No is judging you or criticizing you. In 1982, my dad went through very painful divorce. Took years to heal.
If your going to serve God, it must be 100 percent commitment and obedience. Being distracted is bad news. Having boyfriends or husband, will lead to distractions. Losing focus on Jesus.
Psalm 63:6 when I remember Thee upon my bed, and Meditate on Thee in the night watches. 63:8. My soul follows hard after Thee; Thy right hand up holds me. Christian people must be Focused on Jesus. Studying the bible and producing fruit for God. Its sharing Gods truth with lost souls. How can Jesus use Christian that might be biblically illiterate. Jesus can't. Christian people are supposed to study the bible and plant seeds for God. Get the picture.
63:9. But those that seek my soul, to destroy it, Shall go into the lower parts of the earth. The false preachers and wicked go to Sheol !!. Its holding place for the spirtualty dead or wicked. The righteous are in paradise.
Those who walk in the flesh are headed for Sheol. Pride and self centered is main tool satan uses on Christian people.
Instead of doing God's will. They're on the wrong path. You can't walk in darkness and the light at the same time.
Psalm chapter 119:15. I will Mediate in Thy precepts, and have respect unto Thy ways. Walking in the flesh leads to Sheol. Walking in the spirit leads to eternal life. Being Doers of the word is walking in the spirit. Heaers of the word, are walking in the flesh. Get the picture.
As actor chuck Norris would say, You can't walk on both sides of the fence.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

I've been feeling horrible since May. I broke up with my bf on May 13th, and I've been feeling miserable ever since. I was 27 when we started dating, and we dated for a little over a year. My age is relevant because I waited 27 years for a boyfriend. And what did I get? I got a man who, while he was patient and kind, also had morals that I just couldn't live with. While we never went "all the way" physically, there were several times where we did go farther than I was comfortable with. But I was convinced if I just stayed with him long enough, we'd get married, but after we broke up he told me he wasn't close to marriage.

He moved on about a month after we broke up, started talking to another girl and just the last 2 weeks now he's been bringing her to church.

It was pretty much a mutual breakup, but he left me because my anxiety was too much for him to handle. He told me he cared about me and that I'm going to make someone else happy. And I've tried to meet new people; I went on my first date a couple days ago. I ended up not being attracted to him but also, I wanted him to have the same opinions on some stuff as my ex. I wanted him to be my ex in some ways, but not others.

I can't seem to move on. I'm angry and depressed.

I don't want to go to another church, even though I see him all happy with another girl when I go to my current church. I am dreading Sundays. And throughout the week I just get consumed with anger and sadness. And the anger isn't just "grr someone cut me off in traffic." It's so intense ans powerful, I feel like I'm drowning.

I miss my ex! Even though it was a bad match! It's been over 2 months now and it just hurts so bad. I waited 27 years to find someone and I got hurt, badly. I'm so tired and I want to feel better and I'm just not really feeling better. I do see a therapist but it's just so hard to continue to go through each day.

The truth is, if he tried to get you to compromise your morals, wasting your time with no plans to get married, he's probably doing the same thing with the next girl. A man who cannot wait for marriage is most likely to be unfaithful in marriage because he will always go for what he wants. Thank God for sparing you from marrying a man who is not nearly ready for the commitments of marriage. Focus on your relationship with God and if it's too painful for you to be at your church seeing him with the new girlfriend, pray about moving to a new church and see what God will do for you. Pray for God to give you discernment as well.

 

[LaundrySoap]

Update... I'm still feeling just awful. I'm facing the reality that I might very well be alone the rest of my life. I'm 28, I have about 60+ years left to go. I don't want to keep coming home to an empty apartment for another couple years, let alone the rest of my life. What am I supposed to do? All I can think to do is keep looking for godly men--which are nearly impossible to find, because this day and age, society just attacks men and doesn't produce many men worth marrying at all. And as far as taking care of myself, I'm just supposed to devote my life to some soulless, woke corporation so that I can retire at 65, and then, what, rot in a state funded nursing home because I have no family to take care of me? This isn't just some trite longing for a husband, I genuinely do not want to be alone the rest of my life, and it's looking more and more like that's my reality.

My dad told me to get my relationship with God right, and then I'll know how to progress. What am I supposed to do? Read my Bible more? Why do I have to keep trying and trying before I can get married, when so many other people get to have whatever they want? Why does my ex get to move right along to another girl, why does he get to have whatever he wants? Why do I have to keep trying and trying to get right with God when so many other non Christians get to have big happy families? Why do I have to be alone?

I'm literally crying at work in the bathroom. Everything seems so BLEAK.

 

[Suzanne_L]

I've been feeling horrible since May. I broke up with my bf on May 13th, and I've been feeling miserable ever since. I was 27 when we started dating, and we dated for a little over a year. My age is relevant because I waited 27 years for a boyfriend. And what did I get? I got a man who, while he was patient and kind, also had morals that I just couldn't live with. While we never went "all the way" physically, there were several times where we did go farther than I was comfortable with. But I was convinced if I just stayed with him long enough, we'd get married, but after we broke up he told me he wasn't close to marriage.

He moved on about a month after we broke up, started talking to another girl and just the last 2 weeks now he's been bringing her to church.

It was pretty much a mutual breakup, but he left me because my anxiety was too much for him to handle. He told me he cared about me and that I'm going to make someone else happy. And I've tried to meet new people; I went on my first date a couple days ago. I ended up not being attracted to him but also, I wanted him to have the same opinions on some stuff as my ex. I wanted him to be my ex in some ways, but not others.

I can't seem to move on. I'm angry and depressed.

I don't want to go to another church, even though I see him all happy with another girl when I go to my current church. I am dreading Sundays. And throughout the week I just get consumed with anger and sadness. And the anger isn't just "grr someone cut me off in traffic." It's so intense ans powerful, I feel like I'm drowning.

I miss my ex! Even though it was a bad match! It's been over 2 months now and it just hurts so bad. I waited 27 years to find someone and I got hurt, badly. I'm so tired and I want to feel better and I'm just not really feeling better. I do see a therapist but it's just so hard to continue to go through each day.

I'm so sorry, that sounds so hard for you to face this disappointment. It is hard that you had this bf for over a year and felt it was maybe going somewhere.

Maybe it would be helpful to write down the things that didn't work about the relationship to help you get past mourning to acceptance of the loss. You could start a top ten "can't stand"/ "must have" (10 each) list to help you dream about a new boyfriend/husband one day. This helped me distill what would be open to and what I really liked, without ending up with a super long list of requirements.

My sister dated a guy who wanted to go all the way, and she ended up marrying him without doing that...but then there were other integrity issues that came up in the marriage. That he thought it would be fine to go all the way was, in retrospect, a red flag that he wasn't the right person for her. Later, well after marriage, he also said he'd been active in that with previous girlfriends, and it's possible that would be the same with your former bf, too.

I commend you for not wanting to change churches. Could you start a new activity (art class, tennis lessons, or whatever floats your boat) that doesn't relate to finding a new man and helps you learn something to engage a fresh part of your brain? Basically, something to do during the week aside from work? Another thought: Do you have female friends who you could begin redeveloping relationships with if the bf took up a lot of your time (as is typical)?

 

[rebornfree]

Update... I'm still feeling just awful. I'm facing the reality that I might very well be alone the rest of my life. I'm 28, I have about 60+ years left to go. I don't want to keep coming home to an empty apartment for another couple years, let alone the rest of my life. What am I supposed to do? All I can think to do is keep looking for godly men--which are nearly impossible to find, because this day and age, society just attacks men and doesn't produce many men worth marrying at all. And as far as taking care of myself, I'm just supposed to devote my life to some soulless, woke corporation so that I can retire at 65, and then, what, rot in a state funded nursing home because I have no family to take care of me? This isn't just some trite longing for a husband, I genuinely do not want to be alone the rest of my life, and it's looking more and more like that's my reality.

My dad told me to get my relationship with God right, and then I'll know how to progress. What am I supposed to do? Read my Bible more? Why do I have to keep trying and trying before I can get married, when so many other people get to have whatever they want? Why does my ex get to move right along to another girl, why does he get to have whatever he wants? Why do I have to keep trying and trying to get right with God when so many other non Christians get to have big happy families? Why do I have to be alone?

I'm literally crying at work in the bathroom. Everything seems so BLEAK.

I'm an elderly lady now, but I can identify with much of what you say from earlier in my life. I've felt the hopelessness of the possibility of many decades alone and concerns over old age. I can understand the disappointment you must be feeling over the breakup with your boyfriend too. However my fears were not realised and I don't think yours will be either, but it's easy to look around and see that everyone else seems happy. I sympathise with the crying in the bathroom at work. I think I've done that too. I've certainly cried at church. Thankfully I had kind, supportive friends who prayed for me. I feel sad that you are going through this but please don't make the mistake of thinking that it will be like this forever. It won't. The main reason being that God loves you and the second is that when we are distressed there is a human tendency to feel that it will always be this way.

To be honest I think yours is a natural and probably quite common reaction to a break up. It's like a bereavement in some ways where you are grieving the loss of your relationship. However grieving, although sad, is very healthy and it doesn't last forever. I'd be more worried if someone didn't grieve a significant loss. However the loss of this relationship doesn't mean that you will never get married. 28 is not so old, especially these days. I married at 32 and that was in the 80s. So don't feel that you will have decades alone. That is unlikely to happen, and if it does it will be okay - God will see to that.

So what to do about it? I feel a bit angry with your ex in bringing his new girlfriend to your Church. Great that he is taking her to a church, we want everyone to know the Lord, but does it have to be your Church? If so, are there different services you can go to? If not then it might be better to change churches. I think seeing him is preventing you from moving on. Good that you had another date though. I understand that you felt that you were missing your ex, but I think that happens at first. Are there any guys you could date, or just be friends with? As you meet more people I think you will compare men with your ex less and less.

In terms of your relationship with the Lord, I expect you know that it has to be Jesus first. If you do that then I don't think you would just be doing a job in a woke company, but serving Him in your working life wherever He wants you to be. Also helping others to come to know Him, growing in your relationship with Him and being part of a local church are vital. If we obey He will take care of all our needs. I don't know you well enough to know if you are doing those things. I have no reason to think that you are not.

So I can only suggest serve the Lord, sort out the church issue, ask the Lord for a new boyfriend when the time is right (it may be a bit soon yet) and, as others have suggested, try some new interests (just pray about it first) and maybe find new Christian friends of both sexes and similar age. Also do you have some friends to pray with?