• Welcome to Christian Forums
  1. Welcome to Christian Forums, a forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to be able to join in fellowship with Christians all over the world.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon and God Bless!

  2. The forums in the Christian Congregations category are now open only to Christian members. Please review our current Faith Groups list for information on which faith groups are considered to be Christian faiths. Christian members please remember to read the Statement of Purpose threads for each forum within Christian Congregations before posting in the forum.
  3. Please note there is a new rule regarding the posting of videos. It reads, "Post a summary of the videos you post . An exception can be made for music videos.". Unless you are simply sharing music, please post a summary, or the gist, of the video you wish to share.

Featured I'm an adult and want to stop contact with my parents

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by bluestarsky, Jul 22, 2018.

  1. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    I thought I had forgiven my parents, and I am willing to forgive them, but their behaviour keeps stirring things up in me emotionally so I can't really function very well because I think they are both, in their own ways, being manipulative. They are not going to change now and I don't think that they are honest with me because I think they are in denial about some things. They both have people in their lives who live close to them who are willing to look out for them.

    Neither of them are Christian - both have been involved in the occult. I don't live near them anymore. They can be nice to be around for a while, but the toll on my wellbeing has been immense - I am taking strong medication to help keep me stable.

    At what point is it wise to sever ties?
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. cfyahoo08

    cfyahoo08 -

    +274
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Mark 12:31 Pray about it but when would you tell your neighbor to sever ties with his/her family ? I think it all depends on the kind of influence/ damage they will cause / invite into your life.

    King James Bible
    And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

    Matthew 18:21-35 King James Version (KJV)
    21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

    22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  3. Traveling teacher

    Traveling teacher Well-Known Member

    993
    +494
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    you have to give more details

    how old are you ?
    how old are they?

    are there other family members who can help your parents?

    in what way are they being controlling???
     
  4. Southernscotty

    Southernscotty Well-Known Member Supporter Angels Team

    +9,398
    United States
    Baptist
    Celibate
    Praying for you friend and welcome to CF, May you be blessed here. I pray that you will reconsider and forgive them and them showing them the love of Christ through your actions.
     
  5. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Thanks for your reply - having it put like this is helpful - I think I would have told a friend in the same circumstances to take a break from them, and if possible, to state the main reason(s) why to them in a calm way - to explain that some behaviour is hurtful and therefore its not healthyto continue with contact at the moment.
     
  6. Jenniferdiana

    Jenniferdiana Well-Known Member Supporter

    +1,169
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    i get it
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  7. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    they are in their seventies - yes, there are other members of the family who can help them.

    my father has repeatedly promised things but they don't materialise because he chooses to spend money on other things - or he will promise something like a holiday as a treat - but then it transpires that really he wants me to be a holiday companion for him and to choose where to go (he chooses several holidays a year) - the latest thing is that he has signed over an inheritance he said he was going to leave me, to a sibling who I have little contact with and is known for not returning phone calls to family members

    both my mum and father have not wanted to support me educationally whereas they have my younger siblings - I seem to have been in an emotionally supportive role for them both and yet been neglected when I was growing up- I've made it clear that I'd love to study but recently they each said no to helping me with a small loan but have helped siblings with much larger amounts

    there is more but I don't want to go into everything
     
  8. dreadnought

    dreadnought Lip service isn't really service. Supporter

    +3,399
    United States
    United Methodist
    Celibate
    I would have severed ties before I started taking medication.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  9. YesMe

    YesMe Active Member

    259
    +286
    Christian
    Private
    I find myself in a similar situation, too much pain for me, but if I answer evil with evil, I am no better.You know what I am going to do? They are forgiven by me, but I am going to leave far away and leave them in the hands of God.It's nothing wrong here.If they would ever want to talk with me, I will welcome them with arms open, but only if they are changed, otherwise, no, no way.
     
  10. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

    +1,219
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Constitution
    You sever ties when you must.

    First, don't justify wrong behavior with other people's wrong behavior.

    There is no "well they did X, and were part of the occult, so now I can do wrong".

    So you need to dump the 'they are not Christian thing', or the 'they were part of the occult thing'.

    That said, sometimes you do have to sever ties. That is a very difficult and hard point to determine.

    Years ago, a Pastor was teaching about how he met his wife of 30 years now, and how his parents at the time completely rejected her. They wouldn't talk to her. Wouldn't even talk to her on the phone when they called to talk to him.

    This was damaging his marriage, as anything like that would. No one wants to be treated that way on a routine basis.

    So he had a little 'meeting' with his parents. Showed up without the kids, and intentionally sat his wife down in front of them, and said to them openly that this was his wife, and he was married to her for life, and that she was not a higher priority in his life, than even his parents.

    "A man shall leave his mother and father, and cleave to his wife".... all that awesome Bible jazz stuff, right?

    He then said to them, that if they continued this, and did not accept her, that he would cut them out of his life. No more holidays, or birthdays, no more grand kids or Christmas presents. He would cut them out completely.

    Now luckily this snapped them out of their stupidity.

    But he was ready to say good bye to his parents for good. A man protects his family, even from his own parents.

    If you must disconnect from your parents, then that is what you must do. But you need to be clear about this. You need to be sure that you are not cutting them out simply because you are selfish, and don't want to handle difficult people.

    If you find that this is what you must do, then.... so be it. Do what you have to.

    But there is only one catch. You must make sure that you still honor your parents. You can deal with them in an honorable way, with respect.... even as you start to put distance and space between you.

    You need to ask yourself before G-d, am I treating them with respect and honor while I protect myself from them? It's a hard question. It won't be easy. But you can do this.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  11. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Thank you for your prayers - and I really understand what you are saying, but my capacity to cope was exceeded I think because I hadn't learned about healthy boundaries and how to put them in place. So I think some action or explanation on my part is long overdue to perhaps put boundaries in place now, really so I can heal. I posted because I do want to hear other peoples perspectives though.
     
  12. Norbert L

    Norbert L Well-Known Member Supporter

    +531
    Christian Seeker
    Single
    I severed ties for about a full year after I moved out of their house. When I started communication again then it was one more thing wrong with me.

    My personal take away from all that was learn to keep your parents at an arms length when need be. YMMV. Basically agree where you can agree and when it comes disagreement, it's adios.
     
  13. συνείδησις

    συνείδησις ¿uo buıob sı ʇɐɥʍ

    720
    +429
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    You are under no obligation to ruin your life for theirs. I had to sever ties with my dad after my mom died; he's just too toxic. Family is taking care of him, and I would step up to help him if need be, but I don't seek or want his company.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • List
  14. συνείδησις

    συνείδησις ¿uo buıob sı ʇɐɥʍ

    720
    +429
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    From reading your other post about realizing the need to establish boundaries so that you can heal, I think you're reached that point.
     
  15. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Thanks to everyone who replied - it really means a lot to be heard and for people to understand where I am coming from in this, and also for people being willing to pray and share things that may be helpful.

    Over the years, I don't know why, but the majority of people I know have either encouraged me or exhorted me to continue with contact - but I'm sure the relationships have been toxic to my health as they currently stand. So having read your replies, I am at least clearer now on what to do - I need to at least initially, explain that I will be taking a breather from the relationships. Then in that space, I can decide the next step.

    I am a little unsure about explaining to them all my reasons for the break in communication, as I don't want to get caught up in a tussle over guilt, or also cause any unnecessary ill feeling.
     
  16. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +3,607
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    US-Republican
    Very simply, you distance yourself from abuse when staying under it would have no redemptive purpose. The degree you distance yourself depends on the degree of abuse and your ability to deal with it at this time. Do it with a clean heart of forgiveness, so that you don't carry the issues with you wherever you go (Galatians 6:1), but after a season of prayer and maybe fasting, and possibly counseling with a mature Christian, if you have to do it, then do it.
     
  17. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Thanks for your reply - however, it hasn't been overt abuse - but much more subtle and outwardly things have appeared 'normal and nice'. I hear what you are saying though and think, yes, I may need to see someone at some point.
     
  18. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

    +3,607
    United States
    Christian
    Private
    US-Republican
    Abuse doesn't have to be blatant in order to be abuse. Sometimes the more subtle kind is the hardest to deal with.
     
  19. Traveling teacher

    Traveling teacher Well-Known Member

    993
    +494
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    do you live with them?
    are they financing your living?

    or do you live close to them?
     
  20. bluestarsky

    bluestarsky New Member

    10
    +10
    United Kingdom
    Christian
    Private
    Hello travelling teacher, I think if I continue to give further information it could make their identity and mine very clear to anyone that knows us. I don't want to misrepresent things but for that reason I'm reluctant to share more openly but obviously as it's a situation which has been going on for a long time there are more factors in the mix.
     
Loading...