I'm an adult and want to stop contact with my parents

[RestoreTheJoy]

Given the circumstances you describe, I recommend stopping all contact.

Don't hate them, but stay away from them. Luke 14:26. He doesn't mean that you actively *hate* them, but your love for relatives will *feel* like hate in comparison to your love for Christ. If you have to chose between them and Him, by all means, choose Him.

They, and others, will tell you it's because you're being hateful and won't forgive. This isn't true. You're not doing it in any way to punish or get back at them. You have to protect yourself from any further damage.

I'm in the same boat. I have to stay away from members of my family because they would interfere with my walk with the Lord, and He comes first.

I'm going to disagree with this advice - unless, of course, the parents are serial killers, violent, sexually abusive, or something else relevant that is not in evidence.

Abandoning one's parents is hate. Plain and simple.

Hey, I had a parent abandon the family, while a sibling was dying. Don't tell me that I don't get it. Today though, I would still have taken care of that parent if it was necessary (now deceased). But that parent would have gotten an earful, no doubt.

The better route is to learn how to communicate and explain how you feel, listen to each other, and attempt to bring restoration. Or at least civility. Most adults can achieve at least civility. Disagreement is not hate.

There aren't any second chances when they are gone. I will never forget how my friend once told me that at funerals, the ones crying and carrying on the most, and throwing themselves over the casket are the ones who were not there for Mom or Dad in life.

 

[bluestarsky]

I'm going to disagree with this advice - unless, of course, the parents are serial killers, violent, sexually abusive, or something else relevant that is not in evidence.

Abandoning one's parents is hate. Plain and simple.

Hey, I had a parent abandon the family, while a sibling was dying. Don't tell me that I don't get it. Today though, I would still have taken care of that parent if it was necessary (now deceased). But that parent would have gotten an earful, no doubt.

The better route is to learn how to communicate and explain how you feel, listen to each other, and attempt to bring restoration. Or at least civility. Most adults can achieve at least civility. Disagreement is not hate.

There aren't any second chances when they are gone. I will never forget how my friend once told me that at funerals, the ones crying and carrying on the most, and throwing themselves over the casket are the ones who were not there for Mom or Dad in life.

I' m struggling to see the kindness in your reply to me.
Maybe I have made mistakes in my relationships with my parents but I do need some space to at least think through appropriate boundaries, process what's happened, heal and seek to move on with God's help.

 

[LoricaLady]

If you read my post without your lens of judgement and passivity toward the true issue....you would see that this is exactly what I said in my post. It is not about money. But the thoughts and feelings around the giving of money. Im sure there are feelings around other actions as well, but we have to work with the information given. here is what we received:







Even if your lens are thick...it is still hard for me to understand how you can not see the lack of financial support being an issue.... But I guess one sees what they desire to see and no more.



It is easy to judge that everyone should behave the same way as you in any given situation...and if they dont, they must not have gone through what you have. This is false. One should desire to grow from every trial they face....achieving higher and higher grades after every test. I use you think like you and the OP about my family issues. But I was shown where the issue truely lies. You can keep trying to hid from and change the world from this day until your last. Or you can change yourself once, and never have to face this issue/test again.

I want the OP to be free of the hurt and pain she feels. I want it eliminated, just like mine has been. I dont expect anything from anyone, therefore I cant be hurt from not getting it.......and if I get something, it is a blessing. But I need nothing because I have the Father....therefore I have everything........

"Lens of judgment...even if your lens is thick...." Wow how charming. I have nothing further to say to you. Try to chill out, though. Bye!

 

[RaymondG]

"Lens of judgment...even if your lens is thick...." Wow how charming. I have nothing further to say to you. Try to chill out, though. Bye!

The op had no issue with my words of encouragement, only you......you should think about why that is. If this is your way of acknowledging that you were in error, I understand, and it's ok, I find no fault in what you believe.

 

[LoricaLady]

The op had no issue with my words of encouragement, only you......you should think about why that is. If this is your way of acknowledging that you were in error, I understand, and it's ok, I find no fault in what you believe.

No, I'm not acknowledging any error at all. I gave my opinion. That's what the OP asked for.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

I' m struggling to see the kindness in your reply to me.
Maybe I have made mistakes in my relationships with my parents but I do need some space to at least think through appropriate boundaries, process what's happened, heal and seek to move on with God's help.

I was replying to another person's statement.

That's fine to take space. But they are your parents and it is your duty to honor them the best you can. It is not ok to just ditch your parents, though the world encourages strife and division. Try to work it out. Talk to them. Tell them how when they said X, it made you feel (how it did). You only get one set of parents. I'm not trying to be unkind, but advice to jump to the scorched-earth policy is not wise.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I thought I had forgiven my parents, and I am willing to forgive them, but their behaviour keeps stirring things up in me emotionally so I can't really function very well because I think they are both, in their own ways, being manipulative. They are not going to change now and I don't think that they are honest with me because I think they are in denial about some things. They both have people in their lives who live close to them who are willing to look out for them.

Neither of them are Christian - both have been involved in the occult. I don't live near them anymore. They can be nice to be around for a while, but the toll on my wellbeing has been immense - I am taking strong medication to help keep me stable.

At what point is it wise to sever ties?

At the same point Ruth the Moabite did in the Bible with her own parent(s).

 

[LoricaLady]

I think that is very selfish to make it about you (the sender of the gift) and would actually be harder on the parent than not hearing anything at all.

What you call selfishness may just be a way of shielding oneself from hurt. The OP says she is on medication due to the stress her parents have caused her. Neither you nor I can say if the parents would prefer what I suggested, or would prefer to just be totally ditched. If I were the parent I would certainly prefer to get some kind of contact to getting none.

I gave the OP a suggestion. She can do with it as she wishes. My feeling is that sending Amazon presents with gift cards helps her to honor her parents as best as she can in her current emotional state. Again, it's the OP's choice what to do.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

What you call selfishness may just be a way of shielding oneself from hurt. The OP says she is on medication due to the stress her parents have caused her. Neither you nor I can say if the parents would prefer what I suggested, or would prefer to just be totally ditched. If I were the parent I would certainly prefer to get some kind of contact to getting none.

I gave the OP a suggestion. She can do with it as she wishes. My feeling is that sending Amazon presents with gift cards helps her to honor her parents as best as she can in her current emotional state. Again, it's the OP's choice what to do.

She can. And I gave an opinion on your suggestion, which she is free to accept or reject as well.

Do you have adult children?

Also she has answered no important questions, such as whether she is financially dependent upon these people or not. That is pretty darn relevant.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

At the same point Ruth the Moabite did in the Bible with her own parent(s).

What? Ruth had married into Naomi's family, remember? Back at that point, the wife left home and went to live with her husband and his family. That is what Ruth did until her husband died (however many years that was), and then she just stayed on with Ruth, who was alone since her sons and her husband were all dead.

There is no evidence Ruth abandoned her family in the sense in which we are discussing it in this thread. Ruth followed the customs of the day. She could have been writing or sending word to her parents regularly for all we know (not sure how easy communication was in those times).

 

[LoricaLady]

She can. And I gave an opinion on your suggestion, which she is free to accept or reject as well.

Do you have adult children?

Also she has answered no important questions, such as whether she is financially dependent upon these people or not. That is pretty darn relevant.

Anonymity, as much as one wants it, is considered to be not only acceptable but also wise, often, on the net. Therefore I don't really feel like talking about whether I have adult children, and also think it is irrelevant. Therefore, also, I think the OP should feel comfortable with not answering personal questions about her financial state, whether someone else thinks it is is "relevant" or not.

 

[LoricaLady]

KIT It may be that Ruth's parents were dead as mortality rates were high in those days. Whatever, personally I don't see what Ruth and Naomi have to do with this OP one way or another since we have no data whatsoever on Ruth's mother or father.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Please be aware that Christian Advice is not a debate forum. I won't say any more than that in an official capacity, as I am a participant in this thread.