I'm about to leave my husband over my step-daughter

[josiem328]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. We have 3 kids together. My daughter, 15, his daughter, 14, and our son, 9. I have always had sort-of a rocky relationship with my step-daughter, but it has gotten really bad in the last year.


It started going really sour sometime last summer. I don't really recall exactly what happened, but it involved her mother and older sister (who is not my husband's daughter). To make a long story short, her mother and I had a decent relationship off and on as well as her sister. Her sister had just had a baby at the age of 18, and I helped her enroll in college which she just dropped out of. Anyway, she has made a lot of poor choices, just as we all have. After trying to give her some motherly advice, both the mother and sister subsequently blocked me on Facebook and stopped talking to me altogether. This is when my relationship with my step-daughter started to turn.


To try and mend things a bit, I got my step-daughter a tablet for Christmas. To which her response when she opened the gift, "What do I need this for? I just got a kindle and an ipod from my mom." This obviously hurt my feelings and made me angry. Rather than thanking me for the gift and accepting it, she acts like a spoiled brat and practically throws it in my face. This obviously did not help our relationship any.


A couple months later, she calls her dad and tells him that she doesn't want to come to our house anymore. (She lives with her mom mostly and visits every other weekend and during the summer.) Torn up by this, my husband doesn't know what to do. I told him that he needs to stop giving into her. He has always been very easy on her and much stricter with our other 2 kids. So he eventually told her that that wasn't an option and he and her mother went to mediation.


Well, fast forward to 2 weeks ago. She was at her mother's for the weekend, so I sent her a random text message saying, "Hi. I love you!" I sent this on Friday afternoon. She didn't come back to our house til Monday night. She did not once respond to my text even ignoring about 10 calls, declining the last 3 or 4 calls, I made throughout Monday to find out her work schedule for the week to coordinate babysitting for my son the rest of the week.


Yes, I was hurt and angry. My husband eventually guilted her into apologizing. Which fixed things, temporarily.


Today, I talked to the girls (both my daughter and step-daughter) about saving some money for our trip to Arizona and California in December. My step-daughter's reaction... "I don't wanna go." Okay, I was confused. We had been talking about this trip for a couple months now, so what has changed. She was very excited about the trip, but now...? My husband talked to her mother about it, to which she replied, "But we have a family tradition of being together on Christmas." Okay, aren't we her family, too? We are going to AZ and CA to visit my parents and brother and sister-in-law. Then of course, Disney and such... What kid would not want to go?


I don't get it. My husband and I got into another fight over her, because I told her she was acting like her older sister. Okay, well she was. I am tired of fighting with my husband over this kid. I can't do anything right by her. I try and include her in things and then I end up doing something wrong which leads to another fight with my husband.

 

[Life2Christ]

The missing piece of this story is in the beginning of the second paragraph. Sounds like some major communication issues. Sounds like step daughter and her mom assume something bad about you. But we dont know what.

 

[hedrick]

I can see not letting a kid get away with misbehavior. But I'm not sure you can mandate affection. You probably don't want to let her completely disengage, but maybe you could give her a bit more control over how much and how she's involved with you.

 

[joey_downunder]

I think you're taking her *teenager* behaviour wwaaaayyy too personally.
She is a child plus she the child of another woman. It is perfectly natural for a child to favour their own biological mother no matter how long you have been her caregiver. Very unfair to long-suffering stepparents but that seems to be the way it goes.

Provide yourself the right emotional distance and don't give up on your marriage because of conflict that started with other people.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. We have 3 kids together. My daughter, 15, his daughter, 14, and our son, 9. I have always had sort-of a rocky relationship with my step-daughter, but it has gotten really bad in the last year.


It started going really sour sometime last summer. I don't really recall exactly what happened, but it involved her mother and older sister (who is not my husband's daughter). To make a long story short, her mother and I had a decent relationship off and on as well as her sister. Her sister had just had a baby at the age of 18, and I helped her enroll in college which she just dropped out of. Anyway, she has made a lot of poor choices, just as we all have. After trying to give her some motherly advice, both the mother and sister subsequently blocked me on Facebook and stopped talking to me altogether. This is when my relationship with my step-daughter started to turn.


To try and mend things a bit, I got my step-daughter a tablet for Christmas. To which her response when she opened the gift, "What do I need this for? I just got a kindle and an ipod from my mom." This obviously hurt my feelings and made me angry. Rather than thanking me for the gift and accepting it, she acts like a spoiled brat and practically throws it in my face. This obviously did not help our relationship any.


A couple months later, she calls her dad and tells him that she doesn't want to come to our house anymore. (She lives with her mom mostly and visits every other weekend and during the summer.) Torn up by this, my husband doesn't know what to do. I told him that he needs to stop giving into her. He has always been very easy on her and much stricter with our other 2 kids. So he eventually told her that that wasn't an option and he and her mother went to mediation.


Well, fast forward to 2 weeks ago. She was at her mother's for the weekend, so I sent her a random text message saying, "Hi. I love you!" I sent this on Friday afternoon. She didn't come back to our house til Monday night. She did not once respond to my text even ignoring about 10 calls, declining the last 3 or 4 calls, I made throughout Monday to find out her work schedule for the week to coordinate babysitting for my son the rest of the week.


Yes, I was hurt and angry. My husband eventually guilted her into apologizing. Which fixed things, temporarily.


Today, I talked to the girls (both my daughter and step-daughter) about saving some money for our trip to Arizona and California in December. My step-daughter's reaction... "I don't wanna go." Okay, I was confused. We had been talking about this trip for a couple months now, so what has changed. She was very excited about the trip, but now...? My husband talked to her mother about it, to which she replied, "But we have a family tradition of being together on Christmas." Okay, aren't we her family, too? We are going to AZ and CA to visit my parents and brother and sister-in-law. Then of course, Disney and such... What kid would not want to go?


I don't get it. My husband and I got into another fight over her, because I told her she was acting like her older sister. Okay, well she was. I am tired of fighting with my husband over this kid. I can't do anything right by her. I try and include her in things and then I end up doing something wrong which leads to another fight with my husband.

Heres a couple of thoughts ----

1. Blended Familys are a very difficult dynamic .

2. The step daughter obviously struggles with *THINKING* she has to show allegiance to her bio-Mom all the time and can not have anyone compete with that .. otherwise the step Daughter will feel bad about it.

3. The S.D. (step daughter) , resents the structure that exists at your Home which is needed for maximum civility for all. She further resents ANY and ALL structure-setting that you may be behind . The S.D. has reached the age of rebellion to rules, regulations, and morals so its not going to take much to set her off.

4. It is IMPERATIVE that your husband stands up for you and protects you from his Daughter otherwise you will start building up resentment and feeling very used/abused/etc... So, i hope He can see the game playing thats ensueing and is wise enough to offer a protective net where you are concerned .

5. Having been a step parent, i can tell you that it gets better but sometimes not until the Teen has moved out permanently , gone to college, or moved out of the area.

6. Keep on being nice to the S.D. as hard as it is . At least your Husband will see you are really trying...and so will the S.D. and Bio-Mom.

7. Do all you can do to keep the harmony in the family and keep in mind there IS light at the end of the chaotic tunnel.

8. Pray often to God to get built up in the H.S. to endure and to be wise in how you handle the S.D. and your Husband. Hes caught in a difficult position also.

9. Get a good book on Step Parenting from www.newlife.com which specializes in relationship dynamics .

 

[Puptart]

In the event of her not wanting the tablet, I would have just calmly reached my hand out for it and said "That's fine, I'll take it back. No big deal."

This would, in fact, be my personal choice of dynamic for the whole relationship with Step Daughter. If she doesn't want the tablet, take it back. If she doesn't want to go on this trip, then let her stay behind. Why would you drag her, which will probably ruin your whole vacation anyway?

This is not going to be a popular opinion I'd imagine. But I honestly think she's in the process of working through some difficult things in her head, and forcing a relationship right now may not be the best option.

As someone else said, I think you're taking her teenage behavior way too personally, and that there really should be no reason to divorce over it. There is a good chance she's just going through a really hard phase of life right now and that there will come a time when she will simply grow up. But for now, the only thing I would do is not indulge her in making you angry. I think she's trying to upset you, and welcome to the world of crazy teenage thoughts I suppose.. but I honestly wouldn't let her. Smile kindly in response and say "That's fine, you can stay behind" or "That's fine, I'll just take it back" and say nothing more of it. That's what would have really made me think as a teenager myself, because no one was indulging my stupid behaviors.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

I believe God expects you to do as much as it depends on you to help the relationship. Thats all you can be expected to do. Alot of it has to come from your Husband and S.D. I wouldnt expect HUGE changes to happen...all you can really hope for is a quasi-peacefulness in your family. But things will typically get better in years to come when the S.D. reaches independence and can be out of the picture moreso. Bear in mind though, the S.D. is going to be a part of your life (forever) to some degree...there will be College graduation, marriage ceremony, grandkids , etc... which you will have to be a part of because youre married to her Dad.

 

[BFine]

Being a step-mom myself, I have found it best to let the actual parents do the one on one with said child/or children.
I don't give advice to them (the children) unless they ask me directly for it and if it's
one of those I'm mad at my mom/dad type thing, I urge them to pray and make amends...there's no pressuring them and I don't take sides, nor do I accuse any of them being like one of their siblings regardless whether it's valid or not-- I keep personal
opinions out of it.

I no longer try to micro-manage my husband's grown children or the little grandchildren...they know the rules in our home and they know my husband will enforce those rules about being respectful and taking care of someone else's property etc.

I do not try to be their mom nor do I try to be their "best buddy"...it's a fine balance
and it is working for us... We made a lot of mistakes in the beginning with them but
we have gotten our "ducks" in a row now with all of them, even the daughter in-law
who didn't like me and would only visit once a year with "our" grandchildren... Now all of us are booked for a Disney vacation in November (Lord willing.)

There's a level of respect all around, even with their mom and step-dad.
We set boundaries and stick within those perimeters.
A lot of things have changed in the near ten yrs. that I have been part
of this "family" and I'm fortunate that the majority of it have been positive
improvements.

 

[turkle]

I am also a step mother. In fact, my 20 year old step daughter and I are at odds right now. But when that happens, we are at odds because she chooses to be. I do not engage. I do not get hurt, upset or emotional, even though I may be feeling it on the inside. If she is mad at me, that's fine. When she's done, we'll go back to where we were. I just keep my cool.

Your step daughter is a 14 year old kid. You need to expect her to behave accordingly. The parent has to be the adult. Getting emotional just fuels the fire and causes further damage to the relationship.

Step parenting is not for the timid. It is very complicated, but with healthy boundaries, the relationship will eventually improve. She's just a confused kid, and you are the grown up. Don't allow her to destroy your family.

I think you need to have a very calm discussion with your husband and decide exactly how to handle her. You need a united front. Threatening divorce is not the way to go. You need to unite with him as a parenting team.

It's so hard. I have moments when I'd like to raise my voice and try to pound my point home, but I know that it would be counter productive. Hang in there, think it through, be the parent. You will be glad you did.

 

[Chickapee]

its hormones raging in the 14 year old step -daughter , developing her own independence and also dismissing respect towards any authority
put yourself in her shoes a moment , and see how she does not think she needs you nor anyone , because she is right in her own eyes , she is in conrol of her own life
its that false sense of security thinking as in Adam I have dominion in my own earth /body and no one can tell me what to do , especailly not my step mom ! I have a real mom and dad , they are the only ones I need right now and I cannot wait to be a grown up and tell them all , I dont need anyone ever !
Its just misplaced anger on how the world and life is not fair
we have all felt that in our teens have we not ?

Be paitent
and dont blame the hubs he is in the middle of hormonal rage on both ends and he has the worst place of all , being in the middle , loving both and not wanting to loose you both , have mercy and patience and pray for your enemies in your own house hold , God understands and will fix it , its just a moment in time and it will pass
and other things will rise to take its place
words never help , but actions speak louder than words , Be the peacemaker , she will leave home in a few years to make her own life and mistakes and need you than when she realizes what a great mom your really are and have been to her
love unconditionally , love with conditions is not love , but control ! never works the way you think it should , being alone in your misery , is just that misery , you cannot run away from yourself , its all there in thoughts and torment no matter if you leave , its all still in your head to torment you and make bitter roots grow where the tree of Life should be growing in Gods garden of Eden where we are all trying to get back to that place of innocence ..
I hope nothing but the best for you and yours

 

[miamited]

Hi Josie,

Well, first of all you need to be aware that the poison may be coming from the biological mother. It certainly sounds to me like she has a very close relationship there and honestly most 14 year old girls, given a choice, would choose the 'real' mom over 'dad's wife'.

This is one of the very, very big reasons that God hates divorce. It tears up families; causes problems that families shouldn't have to ever deal with, and usually when a remarriage occurs causes even more problems with blending that a strong, healthy couple who are joined in a godly marriage don't ever have to deal with.

However, all that being said, it's done! You need to sit down and pray for wisdom. Then you need to take a good hard look at all the reasons that there might be this rejection and then go talk to your husband and work out a plan that addresses as many of the issues as you and he have control over.

As I previously stated, I wouldn't be a bit suprised that your name is pretty much spoken of with derision in the mother's household. You don't have any control over that, but you do have control over how much you are going to let it ruin your day. Just using one of your examples, let me give you a much better way to handle it.

To try and mend things a bit, I got my step-daughter a tablet for Christmas. To which her response when she opened the gift, "What do I need this for? I just got a kindle and an ipod from my mom." This obviously hurt my feelings and made me angry. Rather than thanking me for the gift and accepting it, she acts like a spoiled brat and practically throws it in my face. This obviously did not help our relationship any.


Whoa! It would seem that under the circumstances the tablet wasn't such a good choice and here also, even if it is the better device, the daughter is showing that she obviously thinks more highly of the gifts that her mom got her over yours. Hey!!! You're an adult. Handle it like one. You graciously smile and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I know how popular they are and thought that you'd like one, but I can see that the kindle and ipod really do duplicate this gift so what say you and I, I've got the receipt here somewhere, take it back and you choose something you'd rather have. We can have lunch together at the mall."

What do you do? You get angry and you get hurt. Even though you know in your heart that she desires her 'real' mother's gifts over yours and even her presence, you just can't grow up and say to yourself. "Well, I'll do the best I can with what I've got and be the adult here."

Now, is the kid right? Heck no! But I don't think you fully appreciate your position in her life. I remember my father marrying a girl my age later on in his life and at one point he told me, "Son, you know, Mary Ann would really like it if you'd call her mom." At which point I looked at my dad, and please understand I was going on 30 years old at the time, and I told him, "Dad, I'm sorry, but she isn't. She didn't grow up with me; she doesn't really know anything about me; she never changed my diapers and helped me to walk and saw to it that I got fed before going off to school; she didn't wash my clothes and buy the gym outfit and help me sell the stuff for band, etc. etc. etc. She's your wife and I know that you love her and that's a wonderful thing for you I suppose, but to me that's all she is. She's your wife." I wouldn't be at all suprised if the 14 year old doesn't think of you in exactly the same way.

Grow up and be the adult. Learn that you are never, well not likely, to ever be held in her heart as 'mom'. Therefore, you don't deserve the same attitude that she should have with her mother. You are dad's wife! Now, with your husbands help, and quite honestly I don't see anything in your explanation that he gives a rat's behind about all of this, but you need to understand that HE is the one who needs to establish your place in his and her life. Learn to accept that as long as she treats you respectfully, and quite frankly you've already shown her that that isn't all you're looking for so now it's going to be even harder to earn, you will show her the love and respect that she deserves as your husband's daugher. She is not your daughter!

Now, yes, there are some people who can make step-parenting work, but it is much more difficult when the 'real' parent is still in the picture because children grow up with an understand that they have one mother and one father. When they have to share or somehow divide their loyalties between two, then things get pretty messed up and it takes an adult who isn't so all tied up in how hurt their feelings are. Quite frankly, there should be a class that step-parents are required to take before marrying a spouse with children that explains some of these problems and pitfalls.

Where is your ex? Is he somewhere down the road going to be a stumbling block between your biological children and your husband? If so, better get ready. Sorry to be so tough on you, but I've been down that road and it aint' pretty.

God bless you.
In Christ, Ted

 

[Avniel]

You were out of place for giving an 18 year old that's not your child motherly advice. You are not blood related to your step daughter you offended her older sister and probably her mother and she is always going to pick their side.

She doesn't like you because of this and until you mend those relationships your step daughter will resent you.


Your husband was right to want his daughter comfortable. Now you are forcing her to be around you when she doesn't want to. She doesn't view you as family and you have to accept and respect that because she's not your daughter. To make your husband force her to go to your house when she doesn't want to is damaging to father daughter relationship and that trumps 2nd wife husband relationship.

Kinda good hearted out of order behavior come from love lead to hard feelings.

 

[Life2Christ]

You were out of place for giving an 18 year old that's not your child motherly advice. You are not blood related to your step daughter you offended her older sister and probably her mother and she is always going to pick their side.

Now you are forcing her to be around you when she doesn't want to. She doesn't view you as family and you have to accept and respect that

The OP has been in her step daughter's life since she was 4 or 5 years old. I mean, she may not be her bio mom but she's SOMEBODY to her. I think your advice is a little harsh...unless the OP was the "other woman" perhaps....that could be an issue.

 

[josiem328]

Hi Josie,

Well, first of all you need to be aware that the poison may be coming from the biological mother. It certainly sounds to me like she has a very close relationship there and honestly most 14 year old girls, given a choice, would choose the 'real' mom over 'dad's wife'.

This is one of the very, very big reasons that God hates divorce. It tears up families; causes problems that families shouldn't have to ever deal with, and usually when a remarriage occurs causes even more problems with blending that a strong, healthy couple who are joined in a godly marriage don't ever have to deal with.

However, all that being said, it's done! You need to sit down and pray for wisdom. Then you need to take a good hard look at all the reasons that there might be this rejection and then go talk to your husband and work out a plan that addresses as many of the issues as you and he have control over.

As I previously stated, I wouldn't be a bit suprised that your name is pretty much spoken of with derision in the mother's household. You don't have any control over that, but you do have control over how much you are going to let it ruin your day. Just using one of your examples, let me give you a much better way to handle it.

To try and mend things a bit, I got my step-daughter a tablet for Christmas. To which her response when she opened the gift, "What do I need this for? I just got a kindle and an ipod from my mom." This obviously hurt my feelings and made me angry. Rather than thanking me for the gift and accepting it, she acts like a spoiled brat and practically throws it in my face. This obviously did not help our relationship any.


Whoa! It would seem that under the circumstances the tablet wasn't such a good choice and here also, even if it is the better device, the daughter is showing that she obviously thinks more highly of the gifts that her mom got her over yours. Hey!!! You're an adult. Handle it like one. You graciously smile and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I know how popular they are and thought that you'd like one, but I can see that the kindle and ipod really do duplicate this gift so what say you and I, I've got the receipt here somewhere, take it back and you choose something you'd rather have. We can have lunch together at the mall."

What do you do? You get angry and you get hurt. Even though you know in your heart that she desires her 'real' mother's gifts over yours and even her presence, you just can't grow up and say to yourself. "Well, I'll do the best I can with what I've got and be the adult here."

Now, is the kid right? Heck no! But I don't think you fully appreciate your position in her life. I remember my father marrying a girl my age later on in his life and at one point he told me, "Son, you know, Mary Ann would really like it if you'd call her mom." At which point I looked at my dad, and please understand I was going on 30 years old at the time, and I told him, "Dad, I'm sorry, but she isn't. She didn't grow up with me; she doesn't really know anything about me; she never changed my diapers and helped me to walk and saw to it that I got fed before going off to school; she didn't wash my clothes and buy the gym outfit and help me sell the stuff for band, etc. etc. etc. She's your wife and I know that you love her and that's a wonderful thing for you I suppose, but to me that's all she is. She's your wife." I wouldn't be at all suprised if the 14 year old doesn't think of you in exactly the same way.

Grow up and be the adult. Learn that you are never, well not likely, to ever be held in her heart as 'mom'. Therefore, you don't deserve the same attitude that she should have with her mother. You are dad's wife! Now, with your husbands help, and quite honestly I don't see anything in your explanation that he gives a rat's behind about all of this, but you need to understand that HE is the one who needs to establish your place in his and her life. Learn to accept that as long as she treats you respectfully, and quite frankly you've already shown her that that isn't all you're looking for so now it's going to be even harder to earn, you will show her the love and respect that she deserves as your husband's daugher. She is not your daughter!

Now, yes, there are some people who can make step-parenting work, but it is much more difficult when the 'real' parent is still in the picture because children grow up with an understand that they have one mother and one father. When they have to share or somehow divide their loyalties between two, then things get pretty messed up and it takes an adult who isn't so all tied up in how hurt their feelings are. Quite frankly, there should be a class that step-parents are required to take before marrying a spouse with children that explains some of these problems and pitfalls.

Where is your ex? Is he somewhere down the road going to be a stumbling block between your biological children and your husband? If so, better get ready. Sorry to be so tough on you, but I've been down that road and it aint' pretty.

God bless you.
In Christ, Ted

Woah! Okay, perhaps I was a little unclear as to my husband's position in all of this. First of all, I do not want to be replace her mother. I never have. I know she is not my daughter, and I do not see and have not seen her as such. It is my husband that has continually pressed the issue. He has never been able to accept the fact that we will never have the mother-daughter relationship that he believes should exist. All the efforts that I have made have been in an effort to appease my husband's desire to see me get closer to her. Granted I do care for her, therefore when she acts hurtful to me, I get emotional.

Additionally, our dynamic is somewhat different than the typical blended family in that neither one of us were married to our daughter's other parent. In fact, my husband believes his ex used him to get pregnant and has walked all over him ever since. My ex left the state when my daughter 1 1/2 and hasn't had any contact with his daughter for almost a decade, and I don't expect him change that anytime at all.

 

[josiem328]

You were out of place for giving an 18 year old that's not your child motherly advice. You are not blood related to your step daughter you offended her older sister and probably her mother and she is always going to pick their side.

She doesn't like you because of this and until you mend those relationships your step daughter will resent you.


Your husband was right to want his daughter comfortable. Now you are forcing her to be around you when she doesn't want to. She doesn't view you as family and you have to accept and respect that because she's not your daughter. To make your husband force her to go to your house when she doesn't want to is damaging to father daughter relationship and that trumps 2nd wife husband relationship.

Kinda good hearted out of order behavior come from love lead to hard feelings.

Although I do appreciate the advice, I feel as though I am being attacked and need to defend myself.

First of all, her older sister and I were very close. Not quite mother/daughter not quite friends but very close. She called me her second mom. She told me things about herself and her experiences that she wouldn't even tell her mom. Such as being raped by her grandfather and boyfriend. When she told me this, naturally, I told her mother and we all bonded over it having both experienced sexual abuse from our step-father's. I had given advice many times in the past and it was accepted each time. So your assumption that I was out of place may seem to make sense except that I already had an established pattern of it in the past.


Perhaps, I did not make it clear that it was not me who made her come here. It was my husband who told her that she still had to come. Any efforts I have made to get close to my SD have been in an effort to appease my husband's desire for us to have a relationship that I have always known could never be.

And just to make it clear, I am the 1st and only wife. He and his ex were only together for 2 months for what my husband believes was just to use him to get pregnant.

 

[josiem328]

The OP has been in her step daughter's life since she was 4 or 5 years old. I mean, she may not be her bio mom but she's SOMEBODY to her. I think your advice is a little harsh...unless the OP was the "other woman" perhaps....that could be an issue.

No, I am my husband's First and only wife. They were not married and only dated for 2 months. My husband even believes she used him to get pregnant.

In fact, I have been in my SD's life since she was 16 mo old. I started potty training her, took her to the doctor, tucked her into bed, read her stories, taught her to read, enrolled her in christian pre-school, took her to her first day of school, was the only one to attend her pre-school graduation, made Halloween costumes for her every year til she was 12, and the list goes on...

Granted I am not her mother, but I have done so many things for her that her mother couldn't or wouldn't do. Perhaps, I feel like after so much I deserve something in return... Don't we all as parents? Not just step-parents...all parents... I know that that is not what being a parent is about. I do. I have done all the things above and more for my own 2 children and what I get in return is KNOWING they really LOVE and APPRECIATE me.

 

[Life2Christ]

OP, you are doing all the right things. You love your SD and that is the best u can do. This battle belongs to the Lord so give it to Him.

 

[miamited]

Hi Josie,

Well, that does put a different light on things. However, let's go back to the initial post and the title thereof.
I'm about to leave my husband over my step-daughter


Now, friend, there is something seriously wrong when a 'christian', yes, I am assuming that the little black cross in your icons is intended to represent you as one, is threatening to 'leave my husband'. Did you not marry before God? Did you not covenant before God to see this marriage through in sickness and in health, richer, poorer, good and bad or some such agreement? Did you write in an additional clause that you were specifically excepting this issue of being able to handle step-parenting?

So, maybe you don't, but hopefully you do see that your opening attitude didn't sit right with me. You're having a problem with a step-child and you need advice and there's certainly nothing wrong with that, but quite frankly when one begins to throw around the 'D' word over such things, then I immediately know that there is something not quite right with the heart. Your job in this marriage, and your husband's, is to learn to sit down and work this out and no matter what happens to the child, it should not even be considered to be a reason to break the vows of the marriage. What part of, "I promise to see this through no matter what", are you having a problem with?

Now, to be perfectly honest, it's going to be difficult for any of us, or anyone for that matter to set straight your problem here from just a couple of paragraphs wherein we get one side of the story. Obviously there is a turmoil in the relationship between you and this young girl. So, let's get to the basics:

Why do you think she is rebelling against your authority?

Was she raised as God has instructed parents to raise their children?

Quite honestly, if she spends most of her time at her 'real' mother's, then, other than the fact that she isn't very respectful of your feelings, I don't see why anyone would expect a different outcome than what has happened. However, it's not your job to teach her to be respectful and considerate. That's the job of her parents. So, in all of this you should be taking your hurt feelings and your 'feelings' of anger, not your actual anger, to your husband and asking him if he will intercede on your behalf.

Again, I will say. As far as the tablet incident, you handled it badly. If I get someone a gift and they don't like it, that's their decision and I have no control over that.

You mention giving her 'some motherly advice'. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't get back to 'real' mom and she may not be very mature and she may not be very wise and she may feel threatened by such things and she may well have set her will against yours and put the daughter in the middle of a 'we'll just see who's going to be mom here' battle of wills.

Josie, these are the things that you need to work out. You mention not knowing exactly what it was that began to turn your relationship south. Well, find out! Find a way to sit down with the girl as a loving and caring adult to a child and open up a conversation and find out what's going on in her mind.

However, first and foremost, put away the anger. She seems to obviously be a tormented child and she has come against the really, really big reason that God hates divorce. Her parents are not together and she doesn't have a close and loving 'family' that is committed to one another and she is experiencing the tearing asunder that all of that brings. She is more than likely getting an earful from 'real' mom that doesn't reflect upon you in a good light and there's not a whole lot you can do about that, but find out if that's the case and if so understand it and deal with it.

Try putting yourself in the girl's place. Be compassionate and be a part of the solution, not the problem.

God bless you in all of this and yes, it's tough. God hates divorce and this also shows one of the biggest reasons why God asks us to have control over our sexual urges until we are married. Just imagine how different your life would be if you and your husband and all the girlfriends and boyfriends in the past had lived as God asks. However, it's never too late to start, but there are consequences for our actions.

In Christ, Ted

 

[josiem328]

Hi Josie,

Well, that does put a different light on things. However, let's go back to the initial post and the title thereof.
I'm about to leave my husband over my step-daughter


Now, friend, there is something seriously wrong when a 'christian', yes, I am assuming that the little black cross in your icons is intended to represent you as one, is threatening to 'leave my husband'. Did you not marry before God? Did you not covenant before God to see this marriage through in sickness and in health, richer, poorer, good and bad or some such agreement? Did you write in an additional clause that you were specifically excepting this issue of being able to handle step-parenting?

So, maybe you don't, but hopefully you do see that your opening attitude didn't sit right with me. You're having a problem with a step-child and you need advice and there's certainly nothing wrong with that, but quite frankly when one begins to throw around the 'D' word over such things, then I immediately know that there is something not quite right with the heart. Your job in this marriage, and your husband's, is to learn to sit down and work this out and no matter what happens to the child, it should not even be considered to be a reason to break the vows of the marriage. What part of, "I promise to see this through no matter what", are you having a problem with?

Now, to be perfectly honest, it's going to be difficult for any of us, or anyone for that matter to set straight your problem here from just a couple of paragraphs wherein we get one side of the story. Obviously there is a turmoil in the relationship between you and this young girl. So, let's get to the basics:

Why do you think she is rebelling against your authority?

Was she raised as God has instructed parents to raise their children?

Quite honestly, if she spends most of her time at her 'real' mother's, then, other than the fact that she isn't very respectful of your feelings, I don't see why anyone would expect a different outcome than what has happened. However, it's not your job to teach her to be respectful and considerate. That's the job of her parents. So, in all of this you should be taking your hurt feelings and your 'feelings' of anger, not your actual anger, to your husband and asking him if he will intercede on your behalf.

Again, I will say. As far as the tablet incident, you handled it badly. If I get someone a gift and they don't like it, that's their decision and I have no control over that.

You mention giving her 'some motherly advice'. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't get back to 'real' mom and she may not be very mature and she may not be very wise and she may feel threatened by such things and she may well have set her will against yours and put the daughter in the middle of a 'we'll just see who's going to be mom here' battle of wills.

Josie, these are the things that you need to work out. You mention not knowing exactly what it was that began to turn your relationship south. Well, find out! Find a way to sit down with the girl as a loving and caring adult to a child and open up a conversation and find out what's going on in her mind.

However, first and foremost, put away the anger. She seems to obviously be a tormented child and she has come against the really, really big reason that God hates divorce. Her parents are not together and she doesn't have a close and loving 'family' that is committed to one another and she is experiencing the tearing asunder that all of that brings. She is more than likely getting an earful from 'real' mom that doesn't reflect upon you in a good light and there's not a whole lot you can do about that, but find out if that's the case and if so understand it and deal with it.

Try putting yourself in the girl's place. Be compassionate and be a part of the solution, not the problem.

God bless you in all of this and yes, it's tough. God hates divorce and this also shows one of the biggest reasons why God asks us to have control over our sexual urges until we are married. Just imagine how different your life would be if you and your husband and all the girlfriends and boyfriends in the past had lived as God asks. However, it's never too late to start, but there are consequences for our actions.

In Christ, Ted

Thank you, Ted. You have certainly gotten my mind thinking. However, my husband and I did not have the traditional Christian wedding. I was a Christian. He was not. We were married by our lawyer. God was never mentioned in our ceremony. In some way, I feel that this is part of the reason we have had so much strife in our marriage. I could be wrong.

Although, now he has given his life to Christ, but we both have difficulty keeping our lives centered on Christ. I do have issues with anger. It's very hard to focus on what the Lord wants of me and our family when it seems everything in my household is against me. That is what I need to pray about and give over to the Lord.

True, I did say I am about to leave my husband, but I never said divorce. I still have hope that we can work something out. I guess I was "feeling" like leaving for spell, perhaps til she graduates high school, would help ease the tension a bit. I realize that that is an immature and wrong attitude to have. I come from a broken home myself. My mother was constantly threatening to leave. Even when I was a teenager and she and I fought she either said she was leaving or would tell me to.

And, honestly, my husband and I have tried to get my SD to open up, but she just clams up. My husband thinks we should go to counseling. I agree to some extent, but I don't think she will open up to a complete stranger either.

I did talk to my husband about all the advice I have gotten on here and have come to conclusion. I am going to stay. I am going to back off parenting her in any way. This will be left to my husband and her mother. I am no longer going to expect or hope for anything from her. She can no longer expect anything from me. I do want to know what made her hate me all of a sudden, but I am not going to press the issue any further. Some things are better left unsaid. (Like this whole thread to begin with, perhaps.) I guess right now I need to do a lot of praying and to let God take control cuz I am failing at every turn...

 

[jannikitty]

So sorry to hear what you are going through in your blended family situation. Some worthwhile advice has already been given here. I understand that you have cause to feel resentful and angry. No one likes to be treated with little or no consideration even if it is by a confused teenager, however, reacting in anger will be counter-productive. Reflect on this scripture which came to mind as I read your post.

"...be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry. Human anger does not achieve God's righteous purpose." (James 1:19-20)

Prayers for you and your family.