Ive come to the conclusion that I'm not truly saved because I haven't displayed any fruits of the spirit. I don't see Christ as supremely valuable, and I only do good works to ease my guilty conscience. I don't thirst for the Word of God, and I have no desire to commune with the Lord. In fact, I really dislike prayer and Scripture reading, and I avoid it like the plague. I intellectually believe thr Gospel, but it hasn't penetrated my heart.
My question is, what do I do now? How do I get saved for real?
Hi Cerulean,
I'm sorry to revive this thread after so much time, but am going through exactly what you describe, and while I can't claim it's behind me, have found some things which help.
First and foremost, the words I suspect you so desperately want to hear - that you
are regenerate,
are saved,
are elect, are
not a false believer, are
not an Esau, are
not an apostate given over to destruction and (most importantly),
here's the proof - I can't tell you that. No one except the indwelling Holy Spirit honestly can.
That being said, I've looked at your other posts to try to get a sense for you, and what I (again, a flawed man with a lot of the same issues) see from my human perspective is a young woman with some spiritual scarring desperately struggling to feel a connection to her heavenly father; one who is trying hard enough to enroll in a Christian college, and is concerned about the spiritual condition of her friends, and while those don't prove anything either way, there is definite hope there.
As to the numbness you feel, I felt it too, and for the same reason - sin. One of the things I see you mention in this thread and others is a history of sexual sin - homosexuality, and inappropriate contentography in particular. Please understand, I'm not judging - my own past is one of fornication and inappropriate contentography. I'm just speaking from experience as to the effects. The fact that you were able to leave your history of homosexuality in of itself is amazing, and while it can't prove anything, it nonetheless points to at least a taste of the Holy Spirit's power.
Your history also doesn't necessarily mean you aren't saved; Christ's power and sacrifice is sufficient to cover all our sins. That said, while coming to Christ instantly cleanses us and frees us from the eternal consequences of our sin, the temporal, earthly consequences can remain present in the sinful unredeemed flesh, even after conversion. For some, these consequences are physical - an STD or pregnancy - but for most, these consequences are mental and spiritual - patterns of sinful thought, sinful habits, and sinful hungers and appetites developed over years, sometimes decades. These spiritual scars, built up over time, in many ways function like physical scars, rendering the tissue beneath stiff, hardened, and numb. This is quite literally what hardening of the heart is, and it results in the numbness we feel, and insensitivity to the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit.
But here's the hope - as long as you are alive, scars can be broken down; hearts can be softened. The kicker is, you
can't do it, only God can. And there in lies the rub for people like us - how does a hardened heart repent of being hardened? The answer is by leaning on a wisdom and on faith greater than ours. Jesus says in the Bible that "With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible". All things, no qualifiers or exceptions.
When I was first going through this, and would ask pastors, elders, counselors, from a
practical standpoint, what do I
do to have assurance of my faith, to stop doubting, and move closer to my Lord and savior Jesus, I would eventually get the answer: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength". And while this is undoubtedly accurate, I was so frustrated, I kind of wanted to punch them all in the throat a little. It's maddeningly easy to say, but the question on the table, which people with tender hearts never seem to have to think about or ask, is
how?
The truth is that with a scarred heart, you (like me) probably won't be able to feel much. Not at first. This is something that most Christians, however well intentioned, will never understand. "What do you mean? You just love Him. If you don't, you're not saved." And so on. And it really is great for them that they don't understand.
But for people who have stared down the road where consciences are a little seared, where hearts are a little hardened, it is a little more complicated. What happens when the Prodigal Son (or in your case, Daughter) wants to go home, but has been gone so long they can no longer see or remember the path back? The answer is to lean on a reliable guide.
In this case, you need to throw yourself on the promises of God. "Ask, and it will be given to you, seek, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you." -Matthew 7:7, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9. Cling to these and similar verses, no matter how it feels, as you do the next steps.
Find groups - both for Bible study, and for ministry and outreach - and attend. Read your Bible, pray, and serve the Lord, even (or perhaps, even more importantly) when you don't feel like it. Study the Word, and serve the Lord even if it feels hypocritical and wrong. Remember: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" -Jeremiah 17:9. No one can trust their own heart and feelings completely, but your heart is scarred and rebellious and is especially untrustworthy right now. From the outside, this will look like Fake-It-Till-You-Make-It (which is legalistic, hypocritical, and sinful) especially because you will be doing a lot of the same outward things. The difference is the
heart behind it and the
intent.
Fake it till you make it is evil because it supposes that our works can save us, which is blatantly untrue. Works never save - only Christ can save us. It is also true however, that God is the most free to work in us when we are most submitted to Him. And we submit by obedience. As you do these works,
remember and pray: "Lord, I know my works cannot save me, sanctify me, or change my heart, but You can. I believe in your infinite redeeming power, your hand mighty to save. Your word says these things, and therefore they are true, no matter how I feel. I am a sinner, who does not deserve your mercy, but believe your Word when it says You offer it nonetheless, freely and out of your love for me. You owe me nothing, I owe you everything, and yet your Word says your will is to draw me to you. I confess my sins, and beg you, that as I submit to you and serve you in this place, you draw me close out of your love for, and stated promise to me. Thank you for this opportunity."
It's not Fake it till you make it; it's (for lack of a better term) Fake it till
He makes it. Believing in His ability, and sometimes harder, willingness, to save you is the very core of faith. God honors and delights in faithful, willing submission to Him.
You will also need to borrow the faith of others to shore up your own faith, which will be weak at first. Have a group (or groups) of strong christians (ideally mature christian women) who can study the Bible with you, pray over you, and keep you accountable, both with regard to sin and service to the Lord, because you're going to want to give up in the beginning.
Because of the spiritual scarring, you will be numb at first, and it will be very easy to get discouraged and want to throw in the towel. While our sins are wiped away with confession and conversion, the scars often take longer, and are more often than not part of the process of progressive sanctification. Note that God's power is infinite, and there are those whose scars (sinful habits, desires, and thought processes) are instantly wiped away, and this is of course something to pray for, but don't be discouraged if this isn't necessarily the case for you. For most Christians, the process is lifelong - those old desires crop up, those old thoughts come to mind - but as you "take captive every thought to make them obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5b, and practice self-denial and godliness through the power of the Spirit, those old thoughts crop up less and less and it becomes easier to deny them. As the scars soften, you will find your love for the Lord will grow, and your sense for the Spirit will improve. But again, this takes time (possibly a lot of it), and you will need strong believers around you who can help prop you up when your strength fails.
As a final warning, one of the biggest hurdles on the path back to God is ongoing sin. In one of your recent posts, you mention struggling with inappropriate contentography (again, no judgement, I'm struggling too). Ongoing sin in the life of a believer is one of the most surefire ways to derail a Christian walk, reinforce old scars, habits, and patterns of sin, muffle the voice of the Spirit, and is incredibly dangerous to your soul, particularly in this arena. All sin is dangerous, but sexual sins in particular seem to damage the heart especially deeply (see 1 Corinthians 6:18). Having that group of strong Christians (ideally women for you) who can keep you accountable will help you throughout your entire walk, but especially in the beginning when you're scared, discouraged, and weak.
I'm sorry I can't authoritatively tell you what your soul wants to hear, but there's cause for optimism. The fact that you're wrestling and hurting so much is a good sign. The Bible says that until brought to life by the Spirit we are, in a very real sense, spiritually dead; literally corpses. And a couple facts about the dead - dead men (and women) don't wrestle; dead women don't hurt. As unnatural as it feels right now, stop looking inwards to judge your salvation. While the Bible commands a certain degree of introspection (2 Corinthians 13:5), it's all too easy for us to drown and despair in the darkness and sin nature we will inevitably see, and the intent of that verse was never for us to be so consumed by looking at our own inadequacy and failure that we stop looking at Jesus. Ultimately, our salvation has nothing to do with our own worthiness, merit, or rightousness - it's the imputed infinite righteousness of Christ which saves us. Satan will keep reminding you of your own inadequacy to try to keep you discouraged, but it's not about us, never was, and never will be. It's about Jesus. His Power, His Righteousness, His Perfection, His Merit, His Adequacy. No matter how it feels, keep your eyes on Christ, and don't give up honey.
Praying for you,
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