This sort of thinking is never going to lead you anywhere but deeper into unhappiness. Are you living in a garbage dump, swarmed constantly by flies, every breath filled with the stench of rot and filth, as some in third world countries have to do? I saw a documentary a few years ago now of people in the Philippines who are born, live and die amidst mounds of refuse, disease-ridden channels of sewage trickling by, scraping out an existence from the putrid grunge all around them. How does your life compare? You living in a garbage dump? Are flies buzzing around your suppurating sores, laying eggs in them when they can? Are you dying of malaria, or dysentery, or rabies in a cardboard box in the middle of a jungle of disgusting junk? I very much doubt it. And yet, you want to kill yourself. The folk in the garbage dump wanted to live. Funny that. They lived in the middle of true misery and were glad to be alive, but you live in the middle of western affluence and ease and yet want to kill yourself.
I know, it's ridiculous that I want to die despite how fortunate I am. But it feels so pointless to live in a constant cycle of apathy, guilt, legalism, leniency, apathy, guilt, legalism, leniency, apathy, guilt, legalism, leniency, apathy, guilt, legalism, leniency, over and over and over again until I eventually die. I know that I'll never actually kill myself, out of fear of what will happen to my soul afterward. I'm just saying that I
want to.
Why do you say you're destined for hell? For every person, heaven is only a prayer away.
I've prayed that prayer and I'm still not saved. That's why I say I'm destined for Hell.
Well, maybe its time to stop sleeping and time to start walking with God.
I know. I've been sleeping as a way to escape the guilt and pain I'm feeling, even though I know it won't work in the long run.
Not true. God cares. More than anyone else, He cares about you. Why do you doubt it? Wasn't dying on a cross for you demonstration enough of His deep, deep love for you?
The reason why I doubt it is because I've prayed to Him asking Him to save me many times, and He still hasn't.
Oh? And how do you know this, exactly? It is in God's nature to care. Caring is part of what makes God who He is.
Again, I've prayed to God to save me, and He hasn't done it even though it's well within His power. That makes me start to doubt that God actually cares whether I'm saved or not. On an intellectual level, I know that He does care, but it sure doesn't seem like it.
Getting a wee bit over-dramatic here. If you keep telling yourself these lies, you're eventually going to believe them.
The reason why I say that nobody can help me is that I've sought help from so, so many people, and nobody has been able to give me any advice that has actually helped. And yes, I'm probably being overly dramatic, because a) I'm a teenage girl b) I'm not exactly in a very clear mental state right now and c) I tend to use hyperbole, especially when I'm very upset.
Here's an easy step to take: Start counting your blessings. Do you have food to eat? Thank God for the food. Do you have access to electricity and clean, running water? Thank God for these things. Do you have a comfortable bed to sleep in? Thank God for it. Do you have decent clothes to wear? Thank God for them. And so on. There is no better remedy for the sort of despair you're in than to begin to be thankful. And you don't have to feel thankful in order to be thankful. Just start thanking God even if you don't feel particularly grateful. Every time you begin to feel really down, make a list of things you can be thankful for and then thank God for them. And if there is nothing you can think of to be thankful about, you can always thank God that He has died on a cross to save you from your sins.
Thank you for the advice. I will try.
