If I Remarry...

[mkgal1]

I think it depends on the attitude with which our spouse concedes. If they do it begrudgingly or constantly remind us how they gave in to us, then it would make us feel selfish.

But, part of a good balance in a relationship, IMO, is that sometimes one person or the other gets to be a little bit selfish and sometimes each person gives up a bit of what they want.

If it's done right, the person getting what they want isn't made to feel selfish and the person giving in isn't made to feel like they are having to sacrifice something. In fact - for me, anyway - I view giving in to my husband on something as an act of love. It is a way that I can show him just how much I care about his desires...and he feels the same when the tables are turned.

That's what it looks like in a healthy relationship, IMO.

I don't think attitude has much to do with it.......I completely agree with Dallas.......

My problem with the animal lover scenerio..is since that is PART of me..something that brings me joy and happiness..I dont want the person Im SHARING my life with to "concede" and let me have what I want..1st of all SELFISHLY Im sure some would say I want to share that..with someone who doesnt just "get it " that Im "that way"..but who is feeling similar themselves..TOGETHER we can love animals..2nd..since I desire to pelase my spouse as well..I dont want to have to feel GUILTY or that Im imposing on him for just being ME.

Either way it would be a "negative spin".on something that is a part of me.

If he "conceded" I would be grateful..but it wouldnt take the sadness or the lonliness out of it that I was ALONE in that..You know like thanks for "putting up" with that part of me..its depressing..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

In areas that aren't such a clash.....like Dallas and I were talking about earlier in the thread (the Bethenny example).....where Bethenny's idea of a perfect birthday celebration for her was a quiet day at home...just her husband, her daughter, and her........and his idea was a big blow out bash....instead of him thinking she needs to change (to his way of thinking)....IMO....it is healthier for him to realize she has her preferences and there is nothing wrong with her way of thinking (he was disappointed that she didn't get excited enough at her party that he threw for her...that she had asked him not to make a big deal with).

Because of it being a birthday....that makes it a little simpler. He can have his sort of celebration for his birthday.....and she can have her quiet at home birthday celebration for hers.

 

[dallasapple]

I think it depends on the attitude with which our spouse concedes. If they do it begrudgingly or constantly remind us how they gave in to us, then it would make us feel selfish.

But, part of a good balance in a relationship, IMO, is that sometimes one person or the other gets to be a little bit selfish and sometimes each person gives up a bit of what they want.

If it's done right, the person getting what they want isn't made to feel selfish and the person giving in isn't made to feel like they are having to sacrifice something. In fact - for me, anyway - I view giving in to my husband on something as an act of love. It is a way that I can show him just how much I care about his desires...and he feels the same when the tables are turned.

That's what it looks like in a healthy relationship, IMO.

But even in your example its apparent..that someone having to do something / or not how they want to LIVE..they are tempted and often do let the other person know..like your husband calling the dog stupid and making it apparent as far as he is concerned he doesnt want it in his house.The only reason the dog is there is because of you if up to him it wouldnt be there at all..and its obvious hes made that clear to you ..

And Im sorry..thats how a lot of people are going to act when something is being forced upon them..or they are coerced somehow to let something in their life they absolutely dont want.

Dallas

 

[FaithPrevails]

In areas that aren't such a clash.....like Dallas and I were talking about earlier in the thread (the Bethenny example).....where Bethenny's idea of a perfect birthday celebration for her was a quiet day at home...just her husband, her daughter, and her........and his idea was a big blow out bash....instead of him thinking she needs to change (to his way of thinking)....IMO....it is healthier for him to realize she has her preferences and there is nothing wrong with her way of thinking (he was disappointed that she didn't get excited enough at her party that he threw for her...that she had asked him not to make a big deal with).

Because of it being a birthday....that makes it a little simpler. He can have his sort of celebration for his birthday.....and she can have her quiet at home birthday celebration for hers.

I think that example is pretty straightforward and I don't think anyone would disagree. But, it's still a clash b/c he wants her to celebrate the same way he would. If it wasn't a clash, he wouldn't have been disappointed.

But even in your example its apparent..that someone having to do something / or not how they want to LIVE..they are tempted and often do let the other person know..like your husband calling the dog stupid and making it apparent as far as he is concerned he doesnt want it in his house.The only reason the dog is there is because of you if up to him it wouldnt be there at all..and its obvious hes made that clear to you ..

And Im sorry..thats how a lot of people are going to act when something is being forced upon them..or they are coerced somehow to let something in their life they absolutely dont want.

Dallas

If it was something he felt strongly about, I would obviously find another home for the dog or force the issue with my MIL. But, just b/c he voices how stupid he thinks the dog is doesn't mean it affects his quality of life to have her under our roof.

If it affects the other person's quality of life (say he was allergic to dogs) then I could see it being considered as being forced upon the person.

We have to learn to be tolerant to a degree or no relationship would survive and we should all join a convent or become priests who don't marry.

 

[mkgal1]

I think that example is pretty straightforward and I don't think anyone would disagree. But, it's still a clash b/c he wants her to celebrate the same way he would. If it wasn't a clash, he wouldn't have been disappointed.

I don't know if it IS that straightforward. I think it's actually pretty common that people think the other person should learn to "adapt" and it still isn't normally going to result in reaction they want. Chaz said it and you seem to be saying it as well....

but they can also be changed. You can make a choice to accomodate the preferences of your spouse.

I thought Bethenny's reaction was very enthusiastic....she hugged him, thanked him repeatedly, said she LOVED him....LOVED the gifts.....thanked everyone for being there for her, yet.....when he was done with the presentation...and the two of them were walking away....his words were, "WOW....that was anti-climatic....she REALLY hates birthdays....what a disappointment...." When she apologized later (see.....she didn't even get to enjoy the celebration....she felt guilty for not reacting properly....even though she put a lot of effort into her reaction)....his response was, "Okay...we won't celebrate your birthdays any more." But, that wasn't the issue....it isn't that she doesn't enjoy celebrating her birthday....she just doesn't like a big to-do, that he thinks it ought to be.

Maybe if there ARE incompatibilities discovered in marriage--instead of trying to change the other spouse--maybe accept that as part of who they are. (not talking behaviors here....or sin issues......)

 

[FaithPrevails]

Maybe if there ARE incompatibilities discovered in marriage--instead of trying to change the other spouse--maybe accept that as part of who they are. (not talking behaviors here....or sin issues......)

Well, doesn't that require change on the part of the spouse doing the accepting? That isn't really much different than what I have been saying, mk. The animal lover thing is a perfect example of accepting that is part of who they are.

 

[mkgal1]

Well, doesn't that require change on the part of the spouse doing the accepting? That isn't really much different than what I have been saying, mk. The animal lover thing is a perfect example of accepting that is part of who they are.

I guess it actually depends on what it is. With the animal loving/aversion thing....I just see that as a lose/lose for everyone....for me, there just doesn't seem to be any way around it. No amount of respect....love...right attitude is going to resolve that...that is what makes it a real incompatibility.

And there are two sides that are doing the accepting.....because there are two views....preferences...ways of doing things, whatever....so--BOTH need to accept the other (in marriage).

With the example of the best way to spend a birthday...that seems a bit different in my mind. We each have our own birthdays....they are each only once a year...so, that seems to be workable. I don't see change being necessary.....unless the person has expectations that their spouse should react a certain way (their way).......as in our example of Bethenny's husband.

Can any of you come up with any more examples?

 

[dallasapple]

I think that example is pretty straightforward and I don't think anyone would disagree. But, it's still a clash b/c he wants her to celebrate the same way he would. If it wasn't a clash, he wouldn't have been disappointed.



If it was something he felt strongly about, I would obviously find another home for the dog or force the issue with my MIL. But, just b/c he voices how stupid he thinks the dog is doesn't mean it affects his quality of life to have her under our roof.

If it affects the other person's quality of life (say he was allergic to dogs) then I could see it being considered as being forced upon the person.

We have to learn to be tolerant to a degree or no relationship would survive and we should all join a convent or become priests who don't marry.

All I was meaning about the dog is..he knows its important to YOU..I know the dog doesnt care if he refers to it as stupid and yes the dog gets to stay..But it sounds like to me he is rubbing it in to you..when he talks about the dog being stupid and letting you know he doesnt really want it there..its obvious the dog is an irritant to him..So it is affecting his quality of life in that sense.and I would imagine you dont like to hear that he feels that way about it..I mean I wouldnt...So in other words he "conceding" to your wishes on something he doesnt like or want..But hes making it clear after the fact it sounds that its irritating him.

Obviously it isnt a HUGE issue..but thats kind of the point.If it was something bigger or more important to YOU to have the dog..it might really affect you for him to keep reminding you he didnt want it there and didnt like it..Even though you would know that was just who he was..and its just who you are..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

I don't know if it IS that straightforward. I think it's actually pretty common that people think the other person should learn to "adapt" and it still isn't normally going to result in reaction they want. Chaz said it and you seem to be saying it as well....




I thought Bethenny's reaction was very enthusiastic....she hugged him, thanked him repeatedly, said she LOVED him....LOVED the gifts.....thanked everyone for being there for her, yet.....when he was done with the presentation...and the two of them were walking away....his words were, "WOW....that was anti-climatic....she REALLY hates birthdays....what a disappointment...." When she apologized later (see.....she didn't even get to enjoy the celebration....she felt guilty for not reacting properly....even though she put a lot of effort into her reaction)....his response was, "Okay...we won't celebrate your birthdays any more." But, that wasn't the issue....it isn't that she doesn't enjoy celebrating her birthday....she just doesn't like a big to-do, that he thinks it ought to be.

Maybe if there ARE incompatibilities discovered in marriage--instead of trying to change the other spouse--maybe accept that as part of who they are. (not talking behaviors here....or sin issues......)

The thing with Bethany?No it wasnt a train wreck..but I do think it was anti climactic..it was anti climactic becasue it was CLEAR to me she was having a paninc attack..(or the onset of one)..she was on the verge of going in to hysterics BEFORE he made the comment and that just finished her off..

I think she did THE BEST she could have done..she couldnt have tried any harder to be what he wanted..and it STILL wasnt "real"..becasue it was SO not what she was comfortable with..and its SHOWED..She was a nervous wreck..she was rambling in the microphone about being nervous and sorry but thanks I loved it ..but it wasnt "flowing" it was chopped up and frantic..

As far as Im concerned hes a jerk for putting her through that ..and THEN complaining ..he IMHO owed her an apolgy..

Dallas

 

[FaithPrevails]

All I was meaning about the dog is..he knows its important to YOU..I know the dog doesnt care if he refers to it as stupid and yes the dog gets to stay..But it sounds like to me he is rubbing it in to you..when he talks about the dog being stupid and letting you know he doesnt really want it there..its obvious the dog is an irritant to him..So it is affecting his quality of life in that sense.and I would imagine you dont like to hear that he feels that way about it..I mean I wouldnt...So in other words he "conceding" to your wishes on something he doesnt like or want..But hes making it clear after the fact it sounds that its irritating him.

Obviously it isnt a HUGE issue..but thats kind of the point.If it was something bigger or more important to YOU to have the dog..it might really affect you for him to keep reminding you he didnt want it there and didnt like it..Even though you would know that was just who he was..and its just who you are..

Dallas

I read your post to my hubby and have been told that I can assure you that his quality of life is not suffering any. Although, I do have to say now he is over-exaggerating the whole issue just to be a smartypants.

I promise you if it was affecting his quality of life somehow I would do something about the dog. Yes, he would be happy to see her go. No, he doesn't harbor any ill-will towards me for keeping her here. Nor does he say the things he says to remind me of the "sacrifice" he is making. We just don't have that kind of relationship.

 

[bigphilmcadams]

I am 2 years divorced. ....I am in a wonderful relationship with an awesome christian woman...we talk about sex all the time, mainly because we are holding off until we get married, if that is even what God wants us to do.....you can talk about sex as christians...and through our talks, I know that our sex will be amazing....we are already going to know the things our partner likes and dislikes. ..sex as a subject should not be taboo......find a christian who knows themselves well enough to be comfortable talking about intimate things

 

[McScribe]

Well, that's probably wise. So how did sex come up if it's not tmi to ask?

 

[bigphilmcadams]

Well, we knew up front that it would prolly be an issue later down the road, so we decided it would be best to talk about it instead of it being the white elephant in the room, so to speah......we are both very passionate people who are extremely attracted to each other. ...but we want to keep God in the center of our relationship. ..so instead of acting as if it will never be an issue, we discuss it and pray about it....its been the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had, because there is no pressure, we know excacly where the other person stands...plus nobodies feelings get neglected or hurt

 

[McScribe]

That sounds really good. If you don't mind me asking, there is nothing where you're thinking that something is kind of important but you hope it works out?

 

[bigphilmcadams]

In what way do you mean???? I honestly am hoping our relationship works out....God has already confirmed so many things that He had given both of us before we even met...it has been strangely different, but utterly amazing. ...of course I have never put God first in my relationships, so that's probably why it is working out so effortlessly

 

[McScribe]

In what way do you mean???? I honestly am hoping our relationship works out....God has already confirmed so many things that He had given both of us before we even met...it has been strangely different, but utterly amazing. ...of course I have never put God first in my relationships, so that's probably why it is working out so effortlessly

I mean anything you don't like that you are kind of not focusing on because everything else is good.

 

[bigphilmcadams]

And by the way, I am very open to discuss any and aspects of my relationship....communications is key in everything. ...

 

[bigphilmcadams]

Not really...I am learning everyday that we all have differences that make us unique. ..I am trying to embrace that uniqueness instead of allowing it to be a negative. ...now I will say that yes, the good is so good that I could easily and happily look over other things....I was married 15 years before.....I am not going to be with someone I dont like...for the last two years I have been able to find a reason not to be with others...I. would see our differences and bail......but I didn't let God work in those relationships....just. being apart from the woman im with now feels awful. ...

 

[McScribe]

Well I'm glad youre happy. I would agree with what you said about good communication. Have you had to overcome any difficulties in communicating with the lady in your life?