If I Remarry...

[chaz345]

WE....had NO idea what YOU have been "thinking about"....because YOU have never answered when asked. I, on the other hand...have NOT been talking about core value "stuff" and have posted what I have been thinking about....nothing right or wrong about either one's preferences....but, what I am talking about is a part of who these people are. Same thing with Dallas's examples that she posted pages and pages ago....that you said were an extreme. So....what is doing the Christlike thing then? You have two people (as in my example a long time ago, as well).....they have a great time during a certain sports season....they respect one another....they see a lot of great character traits in the other....and they DO decide to get married...even though during off season, he loves to go out and be with lots of people--or he enjoys staying in, and having lots of people over...but, he HATES to be around quiet--it drives him stir crazy. She, OTOH, hates the fast-paced....loud....many conversations going at once kind of deal....she loves to spend her time alone (or with him--just the two of them)...she loves to be home, and even considers organizing the closets to be a fun night. Neither one is "wrong"..........what is reacting in a Christ-like way? Let's say it is Friday night and they are making plans.......what to do? How to do it? Paint me a picture of what it looks like in your mind, Chaz.

Faith Prevails seems to have been able to get what I'm saying.

I'm a little confused though because you are saying you are not talking about core values stuff but preferences and then you are talking about part of who they are. I get that preferences are sort of a part of who we are, but they can also be changed. You can make a choice to accomodate the preferences of your spouse.

But in your example the bottom line is that anyone who gets married with a difference of preference that they can't or won't give some on is quite frankly an idiot. If such a difference is known about before the wedding, and it's something that you can't find common ground on, in this case by doing one sometimes and the other other times, then the question becomes "what did they think would happen?" Did one or both think that getting married would cause the other to magically change? Sadly I do think that's the case not at all uncommonly.

But if such a difference comes up after being married it's a little tougher. If it's over something that one CAN change, like a preference, then I do believe that one or both are called to do so. I think that those types of changes, the ones we make to accomodate our spouse, more often than not, push us toward being more like Christ. I know that's the case with me. Even knowing that though, it's still not always easy to do.

But I absolutely reject the idea that marriage means that either party can ever say "this is who I am you married me and so you have to deal with it" Marriage is all about compromise. Like Faith said, sometimes that means one person "giving in" completely on a given issue and other times it's a meeting in the middle. Obviously if it's always the same person giving in there's a problem though.

 

[JaneFW]

But I absolutely reject the idea that marriage means that either party can ever say "this is who I am you married me and so you have to deal with it".

You might be surprised how many people say that and mean it.

 

[chaz345]

You might be surprised how many people say that and mean it.

Certainly on certain specific issues it's ok to say, but as an overall, not changing anything about yourself for your spouse ever, it's not at all good. If one is that set in who they are and what they prefer, then they should either marry a clone of themself or not marry at all.

But I think one would be hard pressed to find where such an attitude is supported in the Bible.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Certainly on certain specific issues it's ok to say, but as an overall, not changing anything about yourself for your spouse ever, it's not at all good. If one is that set in who they are and what they prefer, then they should either marry a clone of themself or not marry at all.

But I think one would be hard pressed to find where such an attitude is supported in the Bible.

Any rational person would agree with this post. But, there are indeed spouses that stand firm on the belief that they are "just fine" the way they are and have little to no need to change or improve.

Such people can be shown in the Bible where certain behaviors they exhibit are discouraged and - without batting an eye - will counter with a comment about unconditional love or forgiveness or some other ideal that they believe makes them exempt from having to change the behavior.

 

[mkgal1]

Faith Prevails seems to have been able to get what I'm saying.

I'm a little confused though because you are saying you are not talking about core values stuff but preferences and then you are talking about part of who they are. I get that preferences are sort of a part of who we are, but they can also be changed. You can make a choice to accomodate the preferences of your spouse.

I disagree....that is exactly what makes it an "incompatibility".

I have said several times....I am a HUGE animal lover....I consider that as part of "who I am". It wasn't taught to me (in fact--no one else in my family growing up is even an animal lover).....so, it must have been something that God created in me....it is part of my personality. I can't change it....it would be unfair for someone to even ask me to change it. That would be them saying to me that they don't really love ME--but, think they can love whom they change me to be.

Those are the kinds of things that I just don't see how "love and respect" and "being like Christ" can get around. Love isn't enough.......excercising fruits of the Spirit aren't enough. Two people MUST be compatible to get married. In values......in lifestyles......in as many things as they can. STILL....not saying they need to be clones.....just like C1ners said...her husband loves to shoot pool......that gives her time to stay home and read. That IS compatible....nothing clashes with the other.....it is when there is a clash, that it's a problem.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I disagree....that is exactly what makes it an "incompatibility".

I have said several times....I am a HUGE animal lover....I consider that as part of "who I am". It wasn't taught to me (in fact--no one else in my family growing up is even an animal lover).....so, it must have been something that God created in me....it is part of my personality. I can't change it....it would be unfair for someone to even ask me to change it. That would be them saying to me that they don't really love ME--but, think they can love whom they change me to be.

Those are the kinds of things that I just don't see how "love and respect" and "being like Christ" can get around. Love isn't enough.......excercising fruits of the Spirit aren't enough. Two people MUST be compatible to get married. In values......in lifestyles......in as many things as they can. STILL....not saying they need to be clones.....just like C1ners said...her husband loves to shoot pool......that gives her time to stay home and read. That IS compatible....nothing clashes with the other.....it is when there is a clash, that it's a problem.

Flip around what chaz is saying with regards to the animal lover comment and consider that it would be the non-animal lover (or the person that didn't feel as passionate about animals) that would be compromising or changing the preference by agreeing to have animals for the animal lover.

 

[mkgal1]

But if such a difference comes up after being married it's a little tougher. If it's over something that one CAN change, like a preference, then I do believe that one or both are called to do so. I think that those types of changes, the ones we make to accomodate our spouse, more often than not, push us toward being more like Christ. I know that's the case with me. Even knowing that though, it's still not always easy to do.

But I absolutely reject the idea that marriage means that either party can ever say "this is who I am you married me and so you have to deal with it" Marriage is all about compromise. Like Faith said, sometimes that means one person "giving in" completely on a given issue and other times it's a meeting in the middle. Obviously if it's always the same person giving in there's a problem though.

Okay....this is what I had suspected you have been saying all along. I disagree. I don't think it is "Christ-like" to change who you are (not wrong behavior...that isn't what I am saying) in order to "fit" into a marriage. We need to accept the differences.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Okay....this is what I had suspected you have been saying all along. I disagree. I don't think it is "Christ-like" to change who you are (not wrong behavior...that isn't what I am saying) in order to "fit" into a marriage. We need to accept the differences.

Use the animal lover example here, mk. You love animals and let's say that your husband is neutral/doesn't care if you ever owned a pet. Would you want him to stand firm on not caring about owning a pet and resist owning one b/c it just doesn't matter to him. Or, would you want him to concede and agree to owning a pet (or pets) b/c it matters to you?

 

[mkgal1]

Flip around what chaz is saying with regards to the animal lover comment and consider that it would be the non-animal lover (or the person that didn't feel as passionate about animals) that would be compromising or changing the preference by agreeing to have animals for the animal lover.

It goes both ways, I know.....that is what makes even what seems like "little things" incompatibilities. No amount of love or respect is going to get around that.....and either one or the other loses. That has been my point (and I believe Dallas's as well). And we don't "get" how a great marriage can occur out of that.

 

[FaithPrevails]

It goes both ways, I know.....that is what makes even what seems like "little things" incompatibilities. No amount of love or respect is going to get around that.....and either one or the other loses. That has been my point (and I believe Dallas's as well). And we don't "get" how a great marriage can occur out of that.

I'm sorry - you lost me with this comment.

My point was that it's not necessarily a bad thing to concede in a relationship. If one person doesn't care as much as the other, then a preference can be shifted without it being a big deal. If they both care equally about their preference, then that's when a compromise should be reached.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm sorry - you lost me with this comment.

My point was that it's not necessarily a bad thing to concede in a relationship. If one person doesn't care as much as the other, then a preference can be shifted without it being a big deal. If they both care equally about their preference, then that's when a compromise should be reached.

If someone doesn't care one way or the other....then it isn't an "incompatibility"....the one that doesn't care...doesn't care...it's a non-issue...right?

 

[mkgal1]

In a perfect world......a dating couple will be honest with what they are tolerant to....what their true likes and dislikes are. If there are incompatibilities in ANY area..big or small...they ought not get married. Love cannot wash those clashes away.

 

[dallasapple]

My problem with the animal lover scenerio..is since that is PART of me..something that brings me joy and happiness..I dont want the person Im SHARING my life with to "concede" and let me have what I want..1st of all SELFISHLY Im sure some would say I want to share that..with someone who doesnt just "get it " that Im "that way"..but who is feeling similar themselves..TOGETHER we can love animals..2nd..since I desire to pelase my spouse as well..I dont want to have to feel GUILTY or that Im imposing on him for just being ME.

Either way it woudl be a "negative spin".on something that is a part of me.

If he "conceded" I would be grateful..but it wouldnt take the sadness or the lonliness out of it that I was ALONE in that..You know like thanks for "putting up" with that part of me..its depressing..

Dallas

 

[Conservativation]

In a perfect world......a dating couple will be honest with what they are tolerant to....what their true likes and dislikes are. If there are incompatibilities in ANY area..big or small...they ought not get married. Love cannot wash those clashes away.

wow....

Im glad its not a perfect world then or we'd have died as a species.

I will always say tomato, and she tom-ah-to

 

[Conservativation]

and imagine ole highlife trying to find someone compatible....I mean yea, he did, but goodness that must be a numbers game.....er.....in a perfect world

 

[chaz345]

In a perfect world......a dating couple will be honest with what they are tolerant to....what their true likes and dislikes are. If there are incompatibilities in ANY area..big or small...they ought not get married. Love cannot wash those clashes away.

As relates to a dating couple no one has disagreed with this except with regards to degree.

 

[FaithPrevails]

If someone doesn't care one way or the other....then it isn't an "incompatibility"....the one that doesn't care...doesn't care...it's a non-issue...right?

I said doesn't care as much. For instance...my husband hates our dog and comments frequently about how stupid he thinks she is. He would be happy to get rid of her today if I would let him. But, we inherited her from his mom and while she is a bit on the brain-damaged side (seriously, the dog has issues), she is also almost 10 yrs old and isn't exactly adoptable at this point. So, I can't get rid of her in good conscience and my MIL won't take her back (loooong story there). So, my husband concedes to let her stay b/c he knows how much it would upset me to banish her to a pound/shelter.

Does that explain better what I was trying to convey above?

 

[FaithPrevails]

My problem with the animal lover scenerio..is since that is PART of me..something that brings me joy and happiness..I dont want the person Im SHARING my life with to "concede" and let me have what I want..1st of all SELFISHLY Im sure some would say I want to share that..with someone who doesnt just "get it " that Im "that way"..but who is feeling similar themselves..TOGETHER we can love animals..2nd..since I desire to pelase my spouse as well..I dont want to have to feel GUILTY or that Im imposing on him for just being ME.

Either way it woudl be a "negative spin".on something that is a part of me.

If he "conceded" I would be grateful..but it wouldnt take the sadness or the lonliness out of it that I was ALONE in that..You know like thanks for "putting up" with that part of me..its depressing..

Dallas

I think it depends on the attitude with which our spouse concedes. If they do it begrudgingly or constantly remind us how they gave in to us, then it would make us feel selfish.

But, part of a good balance in a relationship, IMO, is that sometimes one person or the other gets to be a little bit selfish and sometimes each person gives up a bit of what they want.

If it's done right, the person getting what they want isn't made to feel selfish and the person giving in isn't made to feel like they are having to sacrifice something. In fact - for me, anyway - I view giving in to my husband on something as an act of love. It is a way that I can show him just how much I care about his desires...and he feels the same when the tables are turned.

That's what it looks like in a healthy relationship, IMO.

 

[dallasapple]

I said doesn't care as much. For instance...my husband hates our dog and comments frequently about how stupid he thinks she is. He would be happy to get rid of her today if I would let him. But, we inherited her from his mom and while she is a bit on the brain-damaged side (seriously, the dog has issues), she is also almost 10 yrs old and isn't exactly adoptable at this point. So, I can't get rid of her in good conscience and my MIL won't take her back (loooong story there). So, my husband concedes to let her stay b/c he knows how much it would upset me to banish her to a pound/shelter.

Does that explain better what I was trying to convey above?

Even though I thinks its MEAN LOL..that he acts that way to the dog..I understand what you are saying ..that its better(right thing) for him to concede and you are O.K with that..but thats TEMPORARY..

Hes not concdeding to a LIFE TIME of mulitple animals he hates..or you having to give up for LIFE having animals in your world that very important to you ..

Dallas

 

[FaithPrevails]

Even though I thinks its MEAN LOL..that he acts that way to the dog..I understand what you are saying ..that its better(right thing) for him to concede and you are O.K with that..but thats TEMPORARY..

Hes not concdeding to a LIFE TIME of mulitple animals he hates..or you having to give up for LIFE having animals in your world that very important to you ..

Dallas

I'm not so sure. He says he likes dogs, but he doesn't seem to like any of the dogs in my extended family. lol But, I won't go without a dog, so he may just have to tolerate the next "stupid" dog, too.