i wish

[Dan the Man]

Dan,

It was SO heartwarming and sad at the same time to read your story. I don't see a monster either. I totally understand why you re-upped and dayhiker is right you would be the same if you didn't go and they still died. It was their time. I don't know why but I know it was. Whether they died in separate car accidents or at war, it was just their time. You were involved. It is very sad. But even in our bad choices, God can take what is meant for evil or meant to harm us and turn it to good for those that love Him.
As much as I love that you are interacting here with us, I wish you had someone at home IRL that could visit with you too.
As far as anyone seeing a change in you, that will take awhile. They can't just see the change one time. It will be when they see you react differently than you usually do over and over and over and I think you can do it!
VERY sad about your son. I have no doubt he is with God now though. For some reason it was his time too. I can understand how hard it is to overcome something like that and your ex wife may never forgive you but you cannot control that or let that control you changing. I would encourage you to continue to try to write letters to your boys and to your ex wife. Even if they are never sent or never meant to be sent, you will be getting your feelings out.
I sense that you are sorry for your actions. That right there is change. It's very unfortunate when our actions cause such devastating effects on others that we love and I know you are very aware of that. satan would like you to roll over and die, but he has no power to take your life and really neither do you. God on the other hand is right there ready to take your hand and be by your side and help you up. And we are here to bridge the gap. Thanks again for sharing your story and please listen to Autumnleaf. He understands and has some good advice too.

yes i am very sorry for my actions and i would take everything back in a heartbeat if i could. there is no excuse for anything i did and i don't expect anyone to forgive me either. i will try to write the letters and see what happens.
i wish i had someone here to talk with too. but i know as good as that sounds i would never be able to talk to anyone about this face to face.
i hope danny is in heaven now. i know people say he wont because he took his own life. but i hope maybe there is some way. i have no desire to go to heaven if my boy isn't going to be there.

 

[blackribbon]

Ownership of one's mistakes is a good thing. Just don't start to "own" decisions that don't belong to you.

Yes, your decision to re-up without allowing her to be part of the process was a major breach of trust....but trust me there are much bigger ones that could have happened and this one was magnified by the tragedy that changed your life. You can sit there and believe that life would have been better...but you don't know. You might have also become a "monster" in your grief...even blaming her for the death of your buddies in that "if I had only been there, they wouldn't have died". Playing the "what if" game just doesn't serve any purposes. You only have the "today" and what am I going to do with it...and "tomorrow"...what can I do to make my life one baby step better.

I don't know if you ever will have a chance with her again or what life holds in store for you...but all you can do is start right now trying to heal and repair what you damaged. Since you can't write to your family...maybe consider getting 3 spiral notebooks...one for each of them...maybe a fourth for your parents...and just start journalling. You don't have to write in any of them daily...but you can if you want. You may only pick one up and write a single line at a time...something that says simply "Katie, I miss you." or "Mom, remember when..." Heck, you could just start different files on your computer if writing by hand is difficult. I don't know when or if you would ever share these with anyone, but at least they give you a bond to the people you love and also give you a chance to express your sorrow and remorse for the things that you know you can't correct easily.

The fentanyl patch may not make you nauseous since it is processed through your skin. It won't harm you to try it because any affect will wear off and if you don't like it you just pull it off and it will stop working shortly. (don't touch the sticky side or else you can absorb it through your fingers or any skin you touch after it). If it helps you function better, it can't be all bad. Was pain the reason you couldn't exercise? Don't over do it...Rome wasn't built in a day....but small regular sessions will get you there slowly but surely. 10-15 minutes at a time, a couple times a day can be good enough for a solid start. Core exercises to make it easier to sit up for longer periods of time will go a long way toward making the rest of your life get easier. And any news on getting an appointment with a psychiatrist or counselor? (not nagging...you only can do what you can do...and you have been doing a lot - even if it doesn't feel like it)

 

[Dan the Man]

Ownership of one's mistakes is a good thing. Just don't start to "own" decisions that don't belong to you.

Yes, your decision to re-up without allowing her to be part of the process was a major breach of trust....but trust me there are much bigger ones that could have happened and this one was magnified by the tragedy that changed your life. You can sit there and believe that life would have been better...but you don't know. You might have also become a "monster" in your grief...even blaming her for the death of your buddies in that "if I had only been there, they wouldn't have died". Playing the "what if" game just doesn't serve any purposes. You only have the "today" and what am I going to do with it...and "tomorrow"...what can I do to make my life one baby step better.

I don't know if you ever will have a chance with her again or what life holds in store for you...but all you can do is start right now trying to heal and repair what you damaged. Since you can't write to your family...maybe consider getting 3 spiral notebooks...one for each of them...maybe a fourth for your parents...and just start journalling. You don't have to write in any of them daily...but you can if you want. You may only pick one up and write a single line at a time...something that says simply "Katie, I miss you." or "Mom, remember when..." Heck, you could just start different files on your computer if writing by hand is difficult. I don't know when or if you would ever share these with anyone, but at least they give you a bond to the people you love and also give you a chance to express your sorrow and remorse for the things that you know you can't correct easily.

The fentanyl patch may not make you nauseous since it is processed through your skin. It won't harm you to try it because any affect will wear off and if you don't like it you just pull it off and it will stop working shortly. (don't touch the sticky side or else you can absorb it through your fingers or any skin you touch after it). If it helps you function better, it can't be all bad. Was pain the reason you couldn't exercise? Don't over do it...Rome wasn't built in a day....but small regular sessions will get you there slowly but surely. 10-15 minutes at a time, a couple times a day can be good enough for a solid start. Core exercises to make it easier to sit up for longer periods of time will go a long way toward making the rest of your life get easier. And any news on getting an appointment with a psychiatrist or counselor? (not nagging...you only can do what you can do...and you have been doing a lot - even if it doesn't feel like it)

i put the patch on and it made me feel like i was falling into a black hole. my back just doesn't feel good if im laying down or sitting up. but i would rather have pain than feel weird like it makes me feel.
i haven't tried to make an appointment for a counselor. i don't feel like i can do it right now.
im not expecting to have another chance with Katie. ive accepted that this is the way its going to be. i will always love and miss her but i know it is over. i just wish she would let me see the kids. i will try to write like you all have said. i have all the time in the world so i guess it couldn't hurt.

 

[Dan the Man]

cant stop thinking about my boys tonight. I will never get these years back.

 

[Ygraine]

Re Satan etc post (I lost it ): we all deserve the consequences of our actions, death even. But if we believe in Jesus ( Life) we are rescued from that.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”e For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

You need to fight against shame, guilt and death when it comes trying to take that truth from you. It cant. ok?He cant unless you let him.

<3

 

[CajunQueen]

So sorry you are missing your boys, Dan. I think there have been a lot of good ideas thrown around here as to what you can work on in order to maybe see them again someday (soon, hopefully?) I can only echo what others have said here and add that you are very precious to God regardless of anything you've done in your life. You knew the Lord at one time, even if you are feeling distant or even unbelieving now. He will never leave you or forsake you. You may feel that way now, but you wouldn't still be here if He didn't have a plan for your life. I will keep praying for you and your family and the families of those Marines who I'm sure are still grieving their losses. You said you have set a horrible example for your sons, but I see it in a completely different light...the exact opposite. I know you are a good person when you take all the ugliness out of everything that happened. I can see that without even knowing you. God bless, Dan.

cant stop thinking about my boys tonight. I will never get these years back.

 

[Dan the Man]

my family. i miss them so much.

 

[Dan the Man]

Re Satan etc post (I lost it ): we all deserve the consequences of our actions, death even. But if we believe in Jesus ( Life) we are rescued from that.

If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.”e For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

You need to fight against shame, guilt and death when it comes trying to take that truth from you. It cant. ok?He cant unless you let him.

<3

So sorry you are missing your boys, Dan. I think there have been a lot of good ideas thrown around here as to what you can work on in order to maybe see them again someday (soon, hopefully?) I can only echo what others have said here and add that you are very precious to God regardless of anything you've done in your life. You knew the Lord at one time, even if you are feeling distant or even unbelieving now. He will never leave you or forsake you. You may feel that way now, but you wouldn't still be here if He didn't have a plan for your life. I will keep praying for you and your family and the families of those Marines who I'm sure are still grieving their losses. You said you have set a horrible example for your sons, but I see it in a completely different light...the exact opposite. I know you are a good person when you take all the ugliness out of everything that happened. I can see that without even knowing you. God bless, Dan.

thank you . i appreciate your thoughts and prayers for me and my kids and loved ones.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Wonderful picture of your kids and wife. Thank you for sharing that with us.

My oldest son who is about to turn 20 has not gone thru anything close to what you have gone thru except that his dad, my husband died when he was almost 11. We have brought them up to know and believe in the Lord and after my husbands passing we read the bible together each morning before school. All of us have now read thru the entire bible. But when he was 16 or 17 he thought he didn't know if he really believed all that bible stuff he was taught. It was really rough for me because I am all in for Jesus and would never consider not believing.

Anyway I told you all that to say this. My son now again believes. He is in a small group at church and now is solidly in the Jesus camp. Sometimes the prayer we have to say to God is "help me with my unbelief". God wants you to not only just believe in Him and believe that Jesus died on the cross for you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you to willingly choose to love Him and serve Him.

You may think that because you are bedridden you can't help anyone else, but you sit behind that computer and post here so you could potentially, in the future help someone online just like we are trying to help you now.

And trust me when I say that there have been many many men and women that have been forgiven of much more than you have done. All of that can be yours too if you choose to once again put your faith in Jesus.

Do you think it's an accident that you started this thread and it has turned into alot of people rallying around you when you were initially posting about not having someone to hang out with on Valentine's Day? I don't. I don't believe in accidents or coincidences.

I hear you when you say you miss your family and your kids. I believe you too. There's a story in the bible about Joseph. Joseph was sold by his own brothers into slavery, and then those same brothers lied to their dad and told them Joseph had been killed by an animal. Joseph had to go many many years before seeing his family again, but during that time God was orchestrating His plan that Joseph would be in charge of handing out the food supply and it was thru that job that Joseph came in contact with his family again. They had come to buy food.

I believe you will see your kids again.
My husband had a son that he fought for custody and lost when the kid was 5. When the kid was 15 he came looking for his dad and found him. It was a rocky start, but even now that my husband is gone, the son is still in my life and we have a great relationship and so did he and his Dad eventually.

SO in the mean time while you can't see your kids, you CAN be working on being the best you when/if you DO see them. Minute by minute, day by day. If you fail one day and don't accomplish what you set out to do, start again the next day.
Right now, because of your physical condition, it's as if you are being held prisoner by the enemy. Which you kind of are, his name is satan. So as a soldier, and a prisoner, would you resign yourself to just being a prisoner for the rest of your life? Or would you try to fight to get free and back to your unit? Remember you can't lose if you don't quit. Please don't quit. God loves you and so do we!

 

[dayhiker]

Great picture of your kids, Dan. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hey Dan, keep pressing on OK? I don't get on much on the weekends so I will talk with you next week

 

[blackribbon]

Dan

Can I confess I hate how opioids make me feel too? When I was younger, I spent a summer getting surgery on both my feet. Part of the bone was scraped out of each heel. Supposedly a very painful surgery and I woke up on a morphine pump...the kind where you push a button when you want a dose. On the first surgery, I remember debating very deeply everytime I considered pushing it..."which hurt worse, my foot right now or my head after I pushed the button?" It was an awful, out of control sensation. The second surgery, I just told them to take that thing out of my room because I wasn't going to use it. I actually did better the second surgery because I didn't treat the pain. Plain aspirin and ibuprofen are my pain relievers of choice now. I do get it. You tried it...it doesn't work for you. So don't use it again. Ibuprofen is something to consider since it is both a pain reliever and an anti-inflammatory agent...plus it doesn't involve doctors prescriptions. Just take it as directed so it doesn't tax your kidney too much (only an issue if you over-dose on the stuff). And obviously you have found ways to deal with the pain without the use of medications....which is always a good option.

I am sorry that you are having a lonely day. You have a beautiful family and I do pray that one day you will be able to be part of their life again...complete with the gift of forgiveness. Don't give up on that. Our children love us...even when they hate us. Your goal needs to be ready to accept it and to feel deserving when given the opportunity. One day at a time. Work on the notebooks for the boys and pray for them. You don't even have to feel close to God....just pray anyway. I'm praying for you.

I passed my test today...with the exact points I needed to pull my grade to passing. I wish I had done well enough to give me some cushion going into the final in a week...but I am not going to complain too loudly. I hope God intends for me to become a nurse in 8 weeks...but I guess, I am working very hard on clinging to studying as hard as I can, but accepting that God sometimes works best with us when we are weak and not so strong. Some times life doesn't come in the package that we thought we ordered but that does not mean it is bad or not worth living.

 

[dayhiker]

Glad to hear you passed black.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

yay for blackribbon passing her test! Woot! You are going to make a fine nurse. I envy that a little bit about you, but you are so smart and you seem like the right kind of person to be a nurse. I like the idea of it, but I'm scared of needles and all the yucky stuff. I hope you find a great job that pays well so you can start your new adventure as a nurse.

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan

Can I confess I hate how opioids make me feel too? When I was younger, I spent a summer getting surgery on both my feet. Part of the bone was scraped out of each heel. Supposedly a very painful surgery and I woke up on a morphine pump...the kind where you push a button when you want a dose. On the first surgery, I remember debating very deeply everytime I considered pushing it..."which hurt worse, my foot right now or my head after I pushed the button?" It was an awful, out of control sensation. The second surgery, I just told them to take that thing out of my room because I wasn't going to use it. I actually did better the second surgery because I didn't treat the pain. Plain aspirin and ibuprofen are my pain relievers of choice now. I do get it. You tried it...it doesn't work for you. So don't use it again. Ibuprofen is something to consider since it is both a pain reliever and an anti-inflammatory agent...plus it doesn't involve doctors prescriptions. Just take it as directed so it doesn't tax your kidney too much (only an issue if you over-dose on the stuff). And obviously you have found ways to deal with the pain without the use of medications....which is always a good option.

I am sorry that you are having a lonely day. You have a beautiful family and I do pray that one day you will be able to be part of their life again...complete with the gift of forgiveness. Don't give up on that. Our children love us...even when they hate us. Your goal needs to be ready to accept it and to feel deserving when given the opportunity. One day at a time. Work on the notebooks for the boys and pray for them. You don't even have to feel close to God....just pray anyway. I'm praying for you.

I passed my test today...with the exact points I needed to pull my grade to passing. I wish I had done well enough to give me some cushion going into the final in a week...but I am not going to complain too loudly. I hope God intends for me to become a nurse in 8 weeks...but I guess, I am working very hard on clinging to studying as hard as I can, but accepting that God sometimes works best with us when we are weak and not so strong. Some times life doesn't come in the package that we thought we ordered but that does not mean it is bad or not worth living.

congratulations on passing your test. only 8 more weeks..you got it. one of the skiiers in downhill ski cross I watched last night had been almost last place coming into the last run. unlike some of the guys on the leader boards he had zero cushion for the final race. he had to be perfect. and he did it. best race ive sen in a very long time. sometimes its better being behind or being the underdog. it forces you to work harder while the others might be complacent. good luck on the rest of your school.
the doctor didn't want to put me on motnrin because its bad for my liver and kidneys. only thing ive used over the coutner that really works is Tylenol but I haerd that's not good for you either. mostly what I do is just convince myself in my head that it doesn't hurt. im glad im no t the only one that doesn't like those kind of drugs. ive had people offer to buy it from me they like it so much.
I haven't another back surgery in 2 weeks which I am not happy about. I think everytime it just makes it worse.
I do pray for my boys. its the only thing I can pray for. I don't know why I cant just see them once a month. im not going to hurt anyone.

 

[Dan the Man]

Wonderful picture of your kids and wife. Thank you for sharing that with us.

My oldest son who is about to turn 20 has not gone thru anything close to what you have gone thru except that his dad, my husband died when he was almost 11. We have brought them up to know and believe in the Lord and after my husbands passing we read the bible together each morning before school. All of us have now read thru the entire bible. But when he was 16 or 17 he thought he didn't know if he really believed all that bible stuff he was taught. It was really rough for me because I am all in for Jesus and would never consider not believing.

Anyway I told you all that to say this. My son now again believes. He is in a small group at church and now is solidly in the Jesus camp. Sometimes the prayer we have to say to God is "help me with my unbelief". God wants you to not only just believe in Him and believe that Jesus died on the cross for you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants you to willingly choose to love Him and serve Him.

You may think that because you are bedridden you can't help anyone else, but you sit behind that computer and post here so you could potentially, in the future help someone online just like we are trying to help you now.

And trust me when I say that there have been many many men and women that have been forgiven of much more than you have done. All of that can be yours too if you choose to once again put your faith in Jesus.

Do you think it's an accident that you started this thread and it has turned into alot of people rallying around you when you were initially posting about not having someone to hang out with on Valentine's Day? I don't. I don't believe in accidents or coincidences.

I hear you when you say you miss your family and your kids. I believe you too. There's a story in the bible about Joseph. Joseph was sold by his own brothers into slavery, and then those same brothers lied to their dad and told them Joseph had been killed by an animal. Joseph had to go many many years before seeing his family again, but during that time God was orchestrating His plan that Joseph would be in charge of handing out the food supply and it was thru that job that Joseph came in contact with his family again. They had come to buy food.

I believe you will see your kids again.
My husband had a son that he fought for custody and lost when the kid was 5. When the kid was 15 he came looking for his dad and found him. It was a rocky start, but even now that my husband is gone, the son is still in my life and we have a great relationship and so did he and his Dad eventually.

SO in the mean time while you can't see your kids, you CAN be working on being the best you when/if you DO see them. Minute by minute, day by day. If you fail one day and don't accomplish what you set out to do, start again the next day.
Right now, because of your physical condition, it's as if you are being held prisoner by the enemy. Which you kind of are, his name is satan. So as a soldier, and a prisoner, would you resign yourself to just being a prisoner for the rest of your life? Or would you try to fight to get free and back to your unit? Remember you can't lose if you don't quit. Please don't quit. God loves you and so do we!

glad to hear about your boy. got to be peace of mind for you . I guess you have to believe before yo can have a relationship with god. I hope I can get over it someday but I don't know.
I know people have done really really bad things but I don't think it gets much worse than killing hundreds or thousands of people which many were little children. and not feeling remorse for it. not until all this happened and I got so much time to think. I am a serial killer. ive killed more people than every serial killer in American ever combined. I don't know who youre talking of whos done much worse.
I forgot that I started this on valentines day. or the day before. I was really close to killing myself that night. really close. thanks everyone for talking to me here the last week or so.
im glad your husband got to have his son back in his life before he passed away. if I ever see my kids again the earliest it could be is when they both turn 18. 5 years for one and 9 for the other. that is too long. I cant bear the thought of that. and at 18 they will probably have no desire to see me anyway if im still alive. the only thing I can see them coming to me for was for some closure and to say have a nice life. I cant stand to think of that.

 

[Dan the Man]

Great picture of your kids, Dan. Thanks for sharing it.

thank you

 

[Dan the Man]

thanks for showing me how to put a picture on here without using that stupid attachment. you would think being here 10 years I would know.

i love these kids even if they never know or believe it again. im sorry for all ive done.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Here are some interesting perspectives.

http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/what-about-jobs-kids

 

[sedonarose]

Dan~

Your family is absolutely beautiful. Please don't stop fighting to do everything you can in order to be able to see them again. Praying!