i wish

[Dan the Man]

Dan .. have you heard of Dave Reever?

He got shoot in Veitnam. Here is a youtube of him.

I coldnt hear the video enough to understand it but thank you for sharing dayhiker.

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan it makes me so sad to hear you say you want to die. I understand it, I get why you feel this way, but you ARE still here for a reason and we don't know what that reason is but maybe it's to reclaim yourself!

Some things in life, other people cannot do for you. You must choose them yourself. YOU are the only one in charge of you. You are the one that controls or doesn't control your emotions. You CAN choose to become the old, but better you now. You know that right?

The choice is only yours alone. Jesus did everything He could for you on the cross. He paid the debt for everything bad you have ever done, and ever will do. He says to cast your cares on Him because His burden is easy and His yoke is light. He does not want you to continue to wallow in guilt. satan may want that. But not Jesus. Not God.

If you can turn yourself around, think how much glory God would get from that? I'm sure some of your family think you will never change. Even your Aunt and Uncle might think this. But with God's help and maybe our help too with prayers and encouragement, you can get better and by better I mean emotionally better.

Some things are unchangeable. Like your physical condition. But you can be an overcomer if you choose it. We are here for you Dan. You can vent, cry, complain whatever. Get it out! Then start fresh. Moment by moment. Every time you can remember, when you have bad thoughts, say NO to those. When the devil reminds you of how many people lost their lives because of you, remind him that Jesus GAVE His life for you, because He did!

When the bad thoughts come, try to think of a good thought to counter it. Think of your sons. Would you want your sons to give up if they were in your place? Keep trying to write letters. Or just write your thoughts down even if its not a letter.

I have faith that you can do this IF you try. It might start out as a moment by moment process and then it might become less and less.

When they say Attitude is everything, it's kind of true because when you change the way you look at things, it changes how you think. Easier said than done for sure and it might take a long time, but you are worth it!

You may not think so, and I don't even know you IRL, but you are a child of God and He loves you, and because He loves you, so do I!

May the Holy Spirit reveal your worth to you. May He give you peace and understanding and wisdom. May Jesus wrap His loving arms around you and comfort you and help you heal. May He reveal your purpose and give you a passion and drive for life. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

thank you. I hope you are right that being here right now is worth it for some reason. I don't want to have a bad attitude like ive had for so long now but it seems like no matter how hard I try I still feel so bad. thank you for listening to all my complaining and not thinking im a horrible person.

 

[Dan the Man]

Rewarding and also heart breaking and sometimes just plain gross. But I like it so far.

Usually, the reason you take food with meds is to prevent stomach upset...so what they don't tell you is that a single saltine cracker or a cup of applesauce qualifies as "food" for most meds. Anyway, I don't think food is necessary. Just hydrate ... but that is for good health.

And GREAT!! on the little bit of exercise. It will take time to build your strength back so don't beat yourself up for not being where you were, but pat yourself on your back for stepping forward. ANYTHING that you do is GOOD...and as you know, if you continue, you will get stronger gradually. That's the only way anyone can do it.

Do mini crunches to start building up your core to help with the back pain...even if it is no more than tightening your stomach muscles with no body movement. Hold your head/chin toward your belly button, then turn it so you goal is tightening toward one leg...the same on the other side...(this works all of your stomach)....and as your core muscles get stronger, they will be able to support your spine better. You should feel this both on your stomach and maybe even down your back. It is good...movements don't have to be big to be significant. And continue whatever you started. If your muscles get sore, take a couple ibuprofen pills (Motrin) to help...they help with the pain and also reduce inflammation of sore muscles which allows your muscles to recover faster. And drink water....plenty of water.

Do you have all 4 limbs? Can you sit up unassisted?...and for how long? Did the doctor give you any limitations on movement? Do you have internal organ involvement that is still an issue? And is the cause of your headaches known?

Don't quit...this or anything else positive that you are doing. Your life is still worth living but you need to start taking better care of yourself if you are going to find what your new purpose is. I have seen so many positives in you ... I know you can do it. And if you have days that aren't so good, so what...you just brush those off and keep going forward.

yes I end up throwing up the meds if I take them without food so it is pointless anyway. I don't drink as much water as I should so that I don't have to go to the bathroom as much even though I know that is a bad excuse.
I will try to see if I can the core exercise you said. I have all my limbs thankfully even though it would probably be better uif I didn't have my legs so I could just get prosthetics..i would be better off. I can sit up by myself for a few minutes at a time but some days I cant move at all. i don't remember the limits the doctor gave me. theres too much to remember with all that stuff. my kidneys are damaged. i only have one now and the doctor said my headaches are because of a traumatic brain injury. i forgot the name of it.
thank you for thinking of me and helping me out.

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan how old are your boys?

my son alex is 13 and trent is 9. my oldest danny would be 18 but he took his life a couple years ago and that was unforutnaly my fault too.

 

[Dan the Man]

thanks everyone here for giving me a place to write out my feelings without being judged

 

[Autumnleaf]

Dan, were you the SMAJ? I might remember you.

You mentioned Yuma. When Marines retire many of them don't live long because burning the candle at both ends like many Marines do causes it to burn out faster. I worked for a staff sergeant who talked about how his first wife left him while he was in Iraq, 1 st Gulf war. He got home to an empty house except for a plate and a fork, spoon and knife. What happened to you is hard, haven't read all the previous pages yet, but you have done things other people never get to do and you're still here while others did not make it. Its up to you to live life to the fullest, don't party it up, but enjoy what you can.

The staff sergeant I mentioned lost his wife, got busted down to corporal for beating an insubordinate Marine. That is when I met him and he was hard and bitter. I saw him get promoted by Colonel Mattis, yeah you know who I'm talking about, to staff sergeant by the time my contract ended. At the promotion Mattis mentioned how the SSGT fought in Iraq when infiltrators got behind our lines and attacked the fuel depot. He also met and married a beautiful woman who treated him better than his first wife. My guess is you have military friends and peers who would like to hear from you. I'm friends with an old Marine friend on facebook myself.

Life is out there. If you can move on it will meet you half way to where you need to go. You just have pick em up and put em down as you trudge the road of happy destiny.

 

[dayhiker]

Dan ... your welcome .... I really believe that being accepted and not judged allows for God to work and bring healing. The healing we often need isn't something that happens in an hour or two or in 10 or 20 posts. But even you saying that you don't want this bad attitude is a start in your healing. One step forward will allow for the next step. Even if you take a step back its not likely to be back to the darkest place in your life.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with what dayhiker said. Also you really need to try and get your focus off of all those that you feel responsible for who died. Did you know that Paul in the bible was a Christian killer before he became a Christian? He thought he was doing God's work too! He killed many many people and God used him mightily for His glory and our purposes. He wrote many of the books in the New Testament. God knows what you have done and what responsibility would have been yours. BUT Jesus paid for that. I know it is really really hard for you to forgive yourself, but you must continue to try. Just accept the fact that you are here for some unknown purpose and however you can, dig into the word of God. There are some really cool stories in the bible. It's not that you just forget what you've done in the past, because we know you can't. Just try not to make that the focal point. God forgave you. He sent Jesus to die in your place. You are here now and He wants a relationship with you. The cool thing about that is He can read your thoughts so even if you cannot speak you can converse with God because He can hear your thoughts!

I think it's evident that we care about you here. So please please please, try to start caring about yourself. Not for yourself, but for your kids. For your Aunt and Uncle, for God and Jesus. And we are here for you in the mean time!

 

[dayhiker]

Good point about Paul, Michelle

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan, were you the SMAJ? I might remember you.

You mentioned Yuma. When Marines retire many of them don't live long because burning the candle at both ends like many Marines do causes it to burn out faster. I worked for a staff sergeant who talked about how his first wife left him while he was in Iraq, 1 st Gulf war. He got home to an empty house except for a plate and a fork, spoon and knife. What happened to you is hard, haven't read all the previous pages yet, but you have done things other people never get to do and you're still here while others did not make it. Its up to you to live life to the fullest, don't party it up, but enjoy what you can.

The staff sergeant I mentioned lost his wife, got busted down to corporal for beating an insubordinate Marine. That is when I met him and he was hard and bitter. I saw him get promoted by Colonel Mattis, yeah you know who I'm talking about, to staff sergeant by the time my contract ended. At the promotion Mattis mentioned how the SSGT fought in Iraq when infiltrators got behind our lines and attacked the fuel depot. He also met and married a beautiful woman who treated him better than his first wife. My guess is you have military friends and peers who would like to hear from you. I'm friends with an old Marine friend on facebook myself.

Life is out there. If you can move on it will meet you half way to where you need to go. You just have pick em up and put em down as you trudge the road of happy destiny.

thanks man. I understand what youre saying but I guess im just not in a spot to see it that way right now. maybe someday.
I never made smaj but was up for 1sgt when my career ended. still may have crossed paths with you at some point though. you know how it is. mattis was my commander at 1MEF on 07 before he got appointed to jfcom. that dude was straight up crazy but I had the utmost respect for him.
glad things worked out for your buddy. I guess sometimes things do work out for the better but its not something you can count on. I was the one who kind of wrecked my marriage and I got what I had coming to me.
my wife Katie and I were married for 17 years. we had always planned that when I hit my 20 I would retire from the corps and then get another job on the civilian side. I had all the backgrounds, paperwork, and physicals completed for several police departments and depending on where we decided to settle down I had a job lined up for when I got out. Katie was so excited for me to get out and for us to finally be a full time family. but just a couple months from my ETS date my unit got orders to head back to Afghanistan (we hadn't even been back long from our last deployment). I could have been reassigned and not had to go because of outprocessing but I couldn't stand the thought of my marines being sent over there without me. so I went behind katies back and reupped for another 4 years. and that was it. I put my job above my family and she left me. I got wounded only a few weeks into my last tour and made a horrible decision that cost my brothers their lives. Katie was happy that it happened and said it was what I deserved. and I had to agree. I had turned into a monster who enjoyed the thrill of killing people. when I got back to the states and out of the hospital I went to stay with my paretns. to make a long story short I was a terror to my family. I was disrespectful, and very hateful and violent. it got so bad that my own mother and father disowned me. since my parents, brothers, and other family would have nothing to do with me and I had to have a place to go since I was still bedridden and had no money, Katie agreed to let me stay with her and the boys until I could get in some kind of assisted living situation. it turned out to be the worst thing that could have happened. I enjoyed getting to be around my boys but it did not go well with Katie and it ended up coming to blows one night. I got so angry and frustrated that I hit her and broke her jaw really bad and threatened to kill her. which I also will never forgive myself for. my oldest son Danny (who was 16 at the time) heard the commotion, and when he saw what I did to his mother he came in and beat the s*** out of me. the cops got involved and even though Danny wasn't arrested, he was scared of what was going to happen, whether his mom was going to be ok, whether he hurt me really bad, whether he was going to lose out on his dream of getting a football scholarship. he was a great kid, smart, popular, athletic. But I guess all that coupled with all the stress I had put everyone through was too much for him to handle. so he shot himself in the head the next day. the worst day of my life.
I got charged with assault for hitting Katie and was served with a restraining order with no chance of ever having any kind of custody of my kids. and I really don't think ill ever see them again. my boys are the only thing worth living for in my eyes. even though somebody else on this forum already said that if I really loved them and they were the only thing that mattered to me, then I would never have done what I did. I guess maybe that's true. but the thought of never seeing them again makes me completely lose any will I have to live. I always made every second I had with them count. we were really close. I thought I was a pretty good dad. but look at me now. what kind of things have I taught them through my actions? and do they even know that I love them and im sorry for everything ive done?

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan ... your welcome .... I really believe that being accepted and not judged allows for God to work and bring healing. The healing we often need isn't something that happens in an hour or two or in 10 or 20 posts. But even you saying that you don't want this bad attitude is a start in your healing. One step forward will allow for the next step. Even if you take a step back its not likely to be back to the darkest place in your life.

I agree with what dayhiker said. Also you really need to try and get your focus off of all those that you feel responsible for who died. Did you know that Paul in the bible was a Christian killer before he became a Christian? He thought he was doing God's work too! He killed many many people and God used him mightily for His glory and our purposes. He wrote many of the books in the New Testament. God knows what you have done and what responsibility would have been yours. BUT Jesus paid for that. I know it is really really hard for you to forgive yourself, but you must continue to try. Just accept the fact that you are here for some unknown purpose and however you can, dig into the word of God. There are some really cool stories in the bible. It's not that you just forget what you've done in the past, because we know you can't. Just try not to make that the focal point. God forgave you. He sent Jesus to die in your place. You are here now and He wants a relationship with you. The cool thing about that is He can read your thoughts so even if you cannot speak you can converse with God because He can hear your thoughts!

I think it's evident that we care about you here. So please please please, try to start caring about yourself. Not for yourself, but for your kids. For your Aunt and Uncle, for God and Jesus. And we are here for you in the mean time!

thank you. i used to read the bible a lot and believe in everything it said. but now i just have a really hard time getting into it. i want to believe bcause i want to see everyone i loved again someday but things just dont make sense now.

 

[blackribbon]

Dan.

I am so tired tonight that I can't talk long but I want to reiterate, that I don't see a monster in your story. Some bad decisions and a lot of bad circumstances .. but not a monster....in body or soul. I see a lot of heart in you.

Do you know what is causing the nausea? That has to be pretty discouraging to deal with. I am so happy to hear you do have the one kidney...that is all a person needs but do take care of it by increasing your water consumption. Get a bedside urinal or even juice jug to make it less inconvenient. The dehydration may also be contributing to the headaches. You don't need to drink a lot at one time...just drink a bit all day long.

I am thinking of you and praying for you daily. You matter and you are here for a purpose...don't stop looking until you find that purpose.

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan.

I am so tired tonight that I can't talk long but I want to reiterate, that I don't see a monster in your story. Some bad decisions and a lot of bad circumstances .. but not a monster....in body or soul. I see a lot of heart in you.

Do you know what is causing the nausea? That has to be pretty discouraging to deal with. I am so happy to hear you do have the one kidney...that is all a person needs but do take care of it by increasing your water consumption. Get a bedside urinal or even juice jug to make it less inconvenient. The dehydration may also be contributing to the headaches. You don't need to drink a lot at one time...just drink a bit all day long.

I am thinking of you and praying for you daily. You matter and you are here for a purpose...don't stop looking until you find that purpose.

thank you. i hope you get some rest.
i most only get sick to my stomach when i take meds. the doctor said it was because i had to eat something with it but i cant force myself to eat or i will just throw it up anyways. i will try to drink more water if i can.

 

[Autumnleaf]

thanks man. I understand what youre saying but I guess im just not in a spot to see it that way right now. maybe someday.
I never made smaj but was up for 1sgt when my career ended. still may have crossed paths with you at some point though. you know how it is. mattis was my commander at 1MEF on 07 before he got appointed to jfcom. that dude was straight up crazy but I had the utmost respect for him.
glad things worked out for your buddy. I guess sometimes things do work out for the better but its not something you can count on. I was the one who kind of wrecked my marriage and I got what I had coming to me.
my wife Katie and I were married for 17 years. we had always planned that when I hit my 20 I would retire from the corps and then get another job on the civilian side. I had all the backgrounds, paperwork, and physicals completed for several police departments and depending on where we decided to settle down I had a job lined up for when I got out. Katie was so excited for me to get out and for us to finally be a full time family. but just a couple months from my ETS date my unit got orders to head back to Afghanistan (we hadn't even been back long from our last deployment). I could have been reassigned and not had to go because of outprocessing but I couldn't stand the thought of my marines being sent over there without me. so I went behind katies back and reupped for another 4 years. and that was it. I put my job above my family and she left me. I got wounded only a few weeks into my last tour and made a horrible decision that cost my brothers their lives. Katie was happy that it happened and said it was what I deserved. and I had to agree. I had turned into a monster who enjoyed the thrill of killing people. when I got back to the states and out of the hospital I went to stay with my paretns. to make a long story short I was a terror to my family. I was disrespectful, and very hateful and violent. it got so bad that my own mother and father disowned me. since my parents, brothers, and other family would have nothing to do with me and I had to have a place to go since I was still bedridden and had no money, Katie agreed to let me stay with her and the boys until I could get in some kind of assisted living situation. it turned out to be the worst thing that could have happened. I enjoyed getting to be around my boys but it did not go well with Katie and it ended up coming to blows one night. I got so angry and frustrated that I hit her and broke her jaw really bad and threatened to kill her. which I also will never forgive myself for. my oldest son Danny (who was 16 at the time) heard the commotion, and when he saw what I did to his mother he came in and beat the s*** out of me. the cops got involved and even though Danny wasn't arrested, he was scared of what was going to happen, whether his mom was going to be ok, whether he hurt me really bad, whether he was going to lose out on his dream of getting a football scholarship. he was a great kid, smart, popular, athletic. But I guess all that coupled with all the stress I had put everyone through was too much for him to handle. so he shot himself in the head the next day. the worst day of my life.
I got charged with assault for hitting Katie and was served with a restraining order with no chance of ever having any kind of custody of my kids. and I really don't think ill ever see them again. my boys are the only thing worth living for in my eyes. even though somebody else on this forum already said that if I really loved them and they were the only thing that mattered to me, then I would never have done what I did. I guess maybe that's true. but the thought of never seeing them again makes me completely lose any will I have to live. I always made every second I had with them count. we were really close. I thought I was a pretty good dad. but look at me now. what kind of things have I taught them through my actions? and do they even know that I love them and im sorry for everything ive done?

Signing up for another 4 years is something you had to do as man to be with your men at war. I understand that. I spoke to a taxi driver in 29 Palms who retired a couple years before the first Gulf War happened. He said he felt horrible not being there to do his duty with his peers. Your wife wouldn't understand that, and she had a right to be mad too.

You were wounded in a war and probably suffered a brain injury. I don't know if what you did was your fault or not but I bet you didn't act like that before you were injured. The Corps doesn't promote people who act irrationally angry, especially to family members so I would bet good money the injury and experience during the war changed you. When you get mad impulse control for you isn't what it used to be, is my guess.

You have to deal with that. You have to forgive yourself. You have to move on. You probably aren't fit to have custody of your children, but you probably are fit to be there for them. Same with her. I messed up my life with drinking. I had to go to AA and it took me a long time to forgive myself. They had me do steps, 12 of them. Part of those was making amends to people I wronged. Some I could never do because the people are gone. Others are to people I can. Of those I can, some of those are living amends. Meaning that I live my life in such a way that I don't harm them like I did before when I was doing addictive behavior.

God doesn't make mistakes. Things happen for reasons beyond our understanding sometimes. If you are doing what you are supposed to do today then you should feel good about yourself because you are doing all you can to make things right. If you are not, then stop being a s-bird and get locked on to what you need to be doing. The apostle Paul used to be named Saul and he hunted and killed Christians before God waylaid him on the road to Damascus and set him straight.

Semper Fi.

 

[blackribbon]

Can you eat otherwise? Your only get nauseated with the meds? ... hmmm ... yes, you do have one or two in there that would make you nausea and are pretty strong ... I will look this weekend. But you know what? You are surviving without them .. so maybe it is best that you don't take them. There are ways that are ways to deal with your issues that don't require pharmaceuticals. Are the 4 meds the only ones you have ... or just the ones you don't trust? And keep exercising....no matter how wippie it feels at this point ... the result is a stronger body that can handle more stressors, both physical and emotional...and adrenline is both a pain reliever and a mood elevator.

And listen to Autumnleaf....he has a lot of good incite. As a former military wife, I understand why your wife was upset....but as someone who has known and loved many Marines, she should have know that you were wired that way. The decision you had to make was "which family"? ... and you wouldn't be any better off if you had stayed home and someone else made the decision that harmed your Marine brothers (I just don't believe that it was a choice that wouldn't have been made by most of your buddies if the boots were swapped) ... if they died while you were sitting at home watching football, you would have been just as mentally screwed up as you have been struggling with now. Time to focus on healing ... a little bit at a time. The rest will follow....that I can almost promise. Your family can forgive if they see a long term change. It will take time. In the meantime, you do have family...that aunt & uncle. Focus on making them recognize that they made a good choice to take a chance on you. And see if either will talk to you some. Learn how to be a good man again.

 

[dayhiker]

Dan ... like you I've read the Bible a lot. I've also studied many points of view on the Bible. I've found as I've read and studied, laid my heart before God the way I view the Bible has changed. But the Bible isn't God and we are to love God. So I'd not be too down about not being able to read the Bible as great as that is.

When I felt far from God, I've always prayed that God would cross my path again. The intention I had praying that way was that when God did cross my path I'd grab hold and go where God was going. That has happened to me. It also gave me a way to trust God as I didn't know what God was doing with mt life at the time, but I knew God would be by again and I knew I'd follow God when He did cross my path.
That is faith and God is pleased with faith. So don't think the past model of how to related to God is the only way, your in a very new place in your life and I'd expect that you will need and find a new way to relate to God there as well.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Dan,

It was SO heartwarming and sad at the same time to read your story. I don't see a monster either. I totally understand why you re-upped and dayhiker is right you would be the same if you didn't go and they still died. It was their time. I don't know why but I know it was. Whether they died in separate car accidents or at war, it was just their time. You were involved. It is very sad. But even in our bad choices, God can take what is meant for evil or meant to harm us and turn it to good for those that love Him.
As much as I love that you are interacting here with us, I wish you had someone at home IRL that could visit with you too.
As far as anyone seeing a change in you, that will take awhile. They can't just see the change one time. It will be when they see you react differently than you usually do over and over and over and I think you can do it!
VERY sad about your son. I have no doubt he is with God now though. For some reason it was his time too. I can understand how hard it is to overcome something like that and your ex wife may never forgive you but you cannot control that or let that control you changing. I would encourage you to continue to try to write letters to your boys and to your ex wife. Even if they are never sent or never meant to be sent, you will be getting your feelings out.
I sense that you are sorry for your actions. That right there is change. It's very unfortunate when our actions cause such devastating effects on others that we love and I know you are very aware of that. satan would like you to roll over and die, but he has no power to take your life and really neither do you. God on the other hand is right there ready to take your hand and be by your side and help you up. And we are here to bridge the gap. Thanks again for sharing your story and please listen to Autumnleaf. He understands and has some good advice too.

 

[Dan the Man]

Signing up for another 4 years is something you had to do as man to be with your men at war. I understand that. I spoke to a taxi driver in 29 Palms who retired a couple years before the first Gulf War happened. He said he felt horrible not being there to do his duty with his peers. Your wife wouldn't understand that, and she had a right to be mad too.

You were wounded in a war and probably suffered a brain injury. I don't know if what you did was your fault or not but I bet you didn't act like that before you were injured. The Corps doesn't promote people who act irrationally angry, especially to family members so I would bet good money the injury and experience during the war changed you. When you get mad impulse control for you isn't what it used to be, is my guess.

You have to deal with that. You have to forgive yourself. You have to move on. You probably aren't fit to have custody of your children, but you probably are fit to be there for them. Same with her. I messed up my life with drinking. I had to go to AA and it took me a long time to forgive myself. They had me do steps, 12 of them. Part of those was making amends to people I wronged. Some I could never do because the people are gone. Others are to people I can. Of those I can, some of those are living amends. Meaning that I live my life in such a way that I don't harm them like I did before when I was doing addictive behavior.

God doesn't make mistakes. Things happen for reasons beyond our understanding sometimes. If you are doing what you are supposed to do today then you should feel good about yourself because you are doing all you can to make things right. If you are not, then stop being a s-bird and get locked on to what you need to be doing. The apostle Paul used to be named Saul and he hunted and killed Christians before God waylaid him on the road to Damascus and set him straight.

Semper Fi.

I know that eventually if I want to survive I will have to forigive myself. I just don't feel like I ever can though. but thank you for the advise. im sorry you had to deal with addiction man. that is rough. I love to drink so I guess its a good thing that I don't have access. anyway I have a lot of respect for that..that you were able to go through with the program and learn from it. youre a stronger man than I am by far.

 

[Dan the Man]

Can you eat otherwise? Your only get nauseated with the meds? ... hmmm ... yes, you do have one or two in there that would make you nausea and are pretty strong ... I will look this weekend. But you know what? You are surviving without them .. so maybe it is best that you don't take them. There are ways that are ways to deal with your issues that don't require pharmaceuticals. Are the 4 meds the only ones you have ... or just the ones you don't trust? And keep exercising....no matter how wippie it feels at this point ... the result is a stronger body that can handle more stressors, both physical and emotional...and adrenline is both a pain reliever and a mood elevator.

And listen to Autumnleaf....he has a lot of good incite. As a former military wife, I understand why your wife was upset....but as someone who has known and loved many Marines, she should have know that you were wired that way. The decision you had to make was "which family"? ... and you wouldn't be any better off if you had stayed home and someone else made the decision that harmed your Marine brothers (I just don't believe that it was a choice that wouldn't have been made by most of your buddies if the boots were swapped) ... if they died while you were sitting at home watching football, you would have been just as mentally screwed up as you have been struggling with now. Time to focus on healing ... a little bit at a time. The rest will follow....that I can almost promise. Your family can forgive if they see a long term change. It will take time. In the meantime, you do have family...that aunt & uncle. Focus on making them recognize that they made a good choice to take a chance on you. And see if either will talk to you some. Learn how to be a good man again.

I can eat some if I force myself but whenever I take meds I feel sick aobut 2 minutes later. I never took anything my entire life though so the medication thing is new to me. maybe i am allergic to all of them. those are the only 4 that i know of taking but there may be more. who knows. the one thing fentanyl is a patch. i almost used one this morning but decided not to. i couldn't exercise today unfortuanetly.
even though my wife knew i was wired a certain way doesn't give me an excuse to go behind her back and make such a huge life changing decision. i think healthy relationships should be built on trust and how could she ever trust me again after i did something like that. i didn't talk to her first because i knew she would freak out. i was wrong for doing what i did. and i should never have chosen anything above my wife and kids. yes if i had not gone and this still happened i would be in much the same situation, but at least i would probably still have a family to help me through it. and that would make all the difference in the world. everything that i am going through right now is my own fault. i don't have any blame for anyone else.

 

[Dan the Man]

Dan ... like you I've read the Bible a lot. I've also studied many points of view on the Bible. I've found as I've read and studied, laid my heart before God the way I view the Bible has changed. But the Bible isn't God and we are to love God. So I'd not be too down about not being able to read the Bible as great as that is.

When I felt far from God, I've always prayed that God would cross my path again. The intention I had praying that way was that when God did cross my path I'd grab hold and go where God was going. That has happened to me. It also gave me a way to trust God as I didn't know what God was doing with mt life at the time, but I knew God would be by again and I knew I'd follow God when He did cross my path.
That is faith and God is pleased with faith. So don't think the past model of how to related to God is the only way, your in a very new place in your life and I'd expect that you will need and find a new way to relate to God there as well.

yea. i wasn't really referring to the physical act of reading the bible so much as just believeing in God and everything the bible teaches. i just don't feel in my heart that any of that is even true anymore. i feel like i believed in a lie. i don't want to feel like that but i really do.