sethad said:
I think that's what I'm gonna have to do.
its "home" in a sense but not really...but since there's no place else...its there for now. but not much longer.
i was never lucky enough to have it in me to stand up to my dad, until a few years ago, probabl right around your age. and it's not me standing up in the sense of being rebellious, it's standing up to be treated right, and better, to be accepted period. and either have that, or we have nothing, which my first post, shows you what we have now. sure i've made mistakes tho in this along the way. i will never it's all my father's fault.
my best advise to you is, that you get it out. that you stand up for yourself for whatever the situation is. you don't want to let that bottle up inside of you. i let it bottle it up and in one moment my dad called me a worthless piece of sh** while moving a big screen tv and i tried to push it on him. and then hiding it inside of me, has totally tore me up, and made me very angry towards life in general. now i'm getting past it, and moving pretty quick past it now, because life seems beautiful even without him in it and that's a start, but a very good start. and then hiding it in, and then letting it come out, led me to really disrespect my father with my words. but the frustration of this goes a long way when you don't get it out, in a healthy manner, and set the facts straight. being bluntly honest, which doesn't mean screaming at each other, or swearing at each other, but just being bluntly honest, standing your ground, standing up for yourself, and not let the negative give you a negative self impression. it can do that big time if left undone. the low self-esteem that just naturally comes with it sucks. but even that as i'm getting older is going away, because reality is not that, and that's about all that matters to me.
it's hard standing up to a man that has done bad things and really caused emotional, and i dont 'knw oyour full storry but maybe even ph ysical harm on you. but i'll tell you what, when you stand up for yourself, it's freeing. when you show to that person that your not going to take negativity, and bad things with a smile or a brush off anymore, at least with my situation, i think my dad was shocked. i remember one of our arguemtns when i used to have my own apartment. he got upset about some bills that i had, which all it was, was a hospital bill. and he was going to give me money for a new computer but put it back in his pocket, which was fine, but it's what happened afterwards that set me off. we started arguing big time, the past brought up and arguments going on and on. and college days were brought back up and i threw all the bad things i went through in college, and basically i stood there, swearing up a storm, hands going everywhere, yelling at the top of my voice, and then let my own apartment with him tryign to get me calmed down, and trying to be civil after a huge outburst of me, and me not caring and just walked down to get me a pack of cigs and try to calm down. it was actually the 2nd time i walked away from him without looking back or feeling bad.
so i'm just sharing this with you to tell you, you deserve to stand up for yourself. you don't deserve any negative thing that has happened, or that is happening, and to stand up for yourself. just be smart about standing up for yourself. dont' be dumb about it. be respectful. something i realized quite a few years afterwards is that he is still my father, thus deserving respect. we can give blunt honesty with respect and honor. and many a times i didn't, and many a times dad didn't give it to me. i didn't see an example growing up because my dad has had an anger problem for various of reasons. pick and choose your battles. don't just go and getting hot about every little thing. that was something i learned the hard way as well. some things are worth defending about, and some things just aren't worth the time because of the implications the arguments give.
and you mentioned that you and your mother dont' get along as well. well if you do see and talk to him, i would try to do your best to be as civil as you can. maybe politely, but bluntly say to him if he brings stuff up to not talk about it right now, and repeat yourself if he keeps it up. because your in a situation where there are two people you haven't gotten along with in your life. why bring trouble upon yourself?
i hope any of this helps. i'm 23 turning 24 this year, a few years older than you which doesn't mean i know more or anything, it's just i've been through similiar things. and sadly enough it took some pretty big things to get a lot of this stuff past me. i'm glad i got to even this point. for now i have the ability of defending myself without fear to my father. to be a man to him, but also be a man in the sense of being respectful, and having decency to oneself. so i hope this helps, and if you don't mind, i'll keep you in prayers if you would like me 2. God Bless you! <><
