I want OUT. I want to DIE.

[£amb]

Well, today, I went to Saddleback Church, and today being father's day, they had some special on this and the entire sermon was a tribute to the 'heroes' of our time and how to manage a family.

The whole time, I was on the verge of just walking out, but I sat through the whole thing. Listening to Rick Warren speaking was something of a rarity, for me at least, because I don't go to church that often, or as much as I used to.... but that wasn't the reason why I chose to stay... I lingered because I was hoping that God had something to say.

But the more I listened, the more it brought up painful memories, and as I sulked in my own contempt, I wished that God would just for once, give me a clear answer.

It did not come. I waited.... yet my patience grew weary. I did the best I could, but He ignored me, just as He did before. I walked out of the chapel in the middle of the final blessing, and I headed straight back home.

On the way home, I pleaded with God that this is more than I can bear... and that I've done the best I could. I asked what He wanted from me... and where He wanted me to go.

There was nothing but silence....

Maybe God is conditioning you for something better? Your suffering is great and weary on your soul. Is it possible that God is letting you experience the pain and suffering for His glory? I know that sounds strange, but do you think God could use you to minister to someone else in the future who could experience the same thing you're dealing with? Maybe the silence is just God preparing you. God has not abandoned you. Maybe He's preparing you to be a more godly person and to be a witness to someone else. To be a comfort to someone else who may also endure the suffering you are going through.

2 Cor. 1:3-9

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happended that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.


There's a story in John 9 about a man born blind. I can not imagine what it would be like to be born blind. To not be able to see the world, people I love, colors, etc. People questioned Jesus why this man was born blind. Jesus answered "...but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." The blind man was born like this for one reason, so God's glory could be shown through him. Jesus gave him his sight back. If God can do this to a blind man....could He not show you the same mercy in bringing you out of a dark pit?

 

[Rosa Mystica]

a7x,

I am so, so sorry!

Perhaps you should visit widownet.com? It's a support board for widows/widowers. You might feel a bit less alone in your struggle if you interact with those going through something similar.

Take care, bro.

 

[JeremiahJ]

"God, I do not know where I am and I do not know where you are taking me... but I'm gonna follow... because that's what you want me to do. I don't want to but I'm gonna do it anyway."

Keep going with this attitude. I can tell its hard. Don't try to make God say things. It doesn't work. Expect Him to speak, but don't expect it to be on your timing and on your terms. I do know what silence during pain feels like. It's rough. I do not think that fantastic advice exists in this situation. Just keep going brother. Keep trying. Keep talking to Him. Keep pursuing Him. Resist Satan. You are weak, and he will do anything in his power to capitalize and distance you from God. This incredible pain will end. It's sad, and it's good to grieve. Keep mourning. Try mourning with God, for He also cries over your loss and pains in Your pain. He does understand. Just keep going. Keep fighting. There's not much I can say to help, and I'm sorry for that. I just don't want you giving up because you'll be missing out on so much joy.

 

[Savedsis]

I am so sorry for your loss...God loves you so much..climb up in his lap and tell him about it....Talk to Him, reach out to Him...He will comfort you...God bless you in your time of sorrow...

 

[Jesus+is+Lord]

why blame god your only a human its not all about you its all about him he went though more then you could ever relize just too save your soul from going too hell and if you kill your self your not killing your self its the devil taking your soul and you think its bad now it will be more then you could even relize but if you rejoyce in the lord then you will never have no hert agean

 

[Jesus+is+Lord]

you will be happy for ever and ever

 

[king-priest]

He is answering you but not in the way of this world(through the senses). You forget, your His child and so He speaks not with things you can see, but by faith.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Heb 11:1

...he will be very gracious unto thee at the voice of thy cry; when he shall hear it, he will answer thee. Isaiah 30:19

And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear. Isaiah 65:24

Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am... Isaiah 58:9

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not. Jer. 33:3

And know that you can talk to Him for anything. It's nice to know that when you have no idea what to say the Holy Spirit speaks on your behalf to your Father. If you feel you can't carry on, tell Him about it.

Cast your thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. Psalm 55:2

Come unto me, all that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

I want you to know that He is not somewhere in heaven alone but in you and beside you. He never left you. When you fell asleep last night and though little sleep it was, you may thought you were alone on your bed but He was there. He was there when her breath left her.He was there when you cried your soul out. He has never left you. Even when you turned away from Him, He was there. Always has been, and always will be.His presence is real, just invisible. Let your faith be your eyes.

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:18

But your answer lies in patience. Trust that He will reveal it to you when your ready. And only He knows when you are ready. But His answer is there, working at this moment.Everyday He makes you stronger when you seek Him. Soon you will see that you looked for Him everywhere of everyday. That in the end that is what He wanted, that you were training yourself to be preoccupied with Christ.

Wait on the Lord : be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait , I say , on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

This is a good verse that helped my father n law -He said this verse tells to wait twice because it is so important. Our life is one big waiting experience.
You will get your answer, you just have to wait and while your waiting, talk to Him, and leave your confusion in His hands.

 

[forgivenmuch]

i dont believe that we should live on feelings all the time, when our thoughts and emotions are out of control, we only have the truth to lean on. that is Gods word,
not your mind, not your thoughts, the bible. the truth is, we all have lost people,
the truth is, that is a part of life, the truth is, God will never leave us, the truth is,
he will not put to much on us that we can't bare. the truth is, jesus had help carrying his cross and so you will. the truth is, God is love. you are hurting now, and what you are feeling is normal, but why do you blame God? the problem that i see here, is you are allowing yourself to turn on God, for what has happened to your wife, you cant blame God. what feelings you have in you, you need to let go of them and start a new, you will always remember your wife, she will always be in your heart, would your wife want you to blame God, and be mad at God? would she want you to shorten your life, because her's was? no she would not, i cant imagine the pain you are going thru, but the answer to your need is God. you should not allow satan to come and give you lies, when you know the truth. the emotions that you are going thru is normal. its a loss, its someone that you love, its very hurtful, but in those times, dont blame God, this is life, your wife is in heaven, she would not want to come back even if you wanted her to. we live and we die, and then we have eternity, everyone will face judgement after death. if you can see past this hurt and see that she is with our heavenly father, she is happy. that is what we live for, we live this life, so we can be with him when we die. we must accept christ as our savior, we must not get so close to things to where we would rather die, than to rejoice that they have made it to where they need to be, its being selfish to some point. find hope in this, that your wife is in heaven, she is happy, she dont want you to be hurt towards the father.
this is a journey, we must fight a good fight, keep the faith, run the race, as paul done, in all of his time of serving christ, he never doubted God, we must be like paul. although you will grieve , that is normal. they grieved in the bible also, but please dont blame God, lean on him and draw closer to him. it will be hard for a while for you but it will get better, you are dealing with emotions that are normal, lean on God and keep his promises close to your heart, satan has no power when it comes to God, we are Gods children, we have the blood applied, lets give God glory for what he has done and is going to do.

 

[Daughter of His]

How you doing ?

 

[a7x]

How you doing ?

I can't say that I'm doing better... but I feel as if I am on the way to getting better.

 

[b*unique]

I can't say that I'm doing better... but I feel as if I am on the way to getting better.

have a look at tribulation saint story in his journal here
he went through similar experience and is your age

what happened to you makes no sense,is cruel,and will never hurt less,
but you still can be happy,have a life,hope,purpose

i know you will every day think,what if...but there is nothing what can change the past,not in this life

 

[dcrowther3]

I am touched beyond belief at your situation.
I can only guess what you must feel. I really don't know what to say.
Except that we all love you and wish you well.

God bless.

 

[LivingByFaith]

I can't say that I'm doing better... but I feel as if I am on the way to getting better.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I feel for you. We're all given tough roads in life, but to me there's just one simple message that always gets across. That simple message is: God loves YOU. I know He does, and I know that you'll emerge with strong faith. I'm praying for you friend.

 

[a7x]

I'm so sorry for your situation. I feel for you. We're all given tough roads in life, but to me there's just one simple message that always gets across. That simple message is: God loves YOU. I know He does, and I know that you'll emerge with strong faith. I'm praying for you friend.

happy birthday.. and thanks.

 

[b*unique]

is there anything you'd like to talk about?

 

[Utah Knight]

out of this life... this inevitable cycle of pain, sorrow, deceit, and betrayal.

*This is a not suicide note, because my corpse should speak for itself.


HELLO. My name is _________ and I was a Christian. Not that I denounce the entire religion as a whole, but I refuse to believe that I am in His mercy and grace of having to live life as it is. I acknowledge God, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I just do not believe that God loves me anymore.... and I have all the more reason not to love Him.

I know things happen for a reason... but without a doubt, we don't all go through the same trials and tribulations. Some people have it easy- and I'm one of those who have it hard... on my account, I have it the WORST. NO- I am not a dying cancer patient. NO- I did not lose my entire family in some accident. NO- I did not lose my leg in the war. However, God has taken the one and only thing that I've ever loved. My wife.

My wife was my life. My love. The one essential element that kept me alive. She was my one and only.... and I loved her so much. I couldn't bare through the notion that if in case I did lose her, I would rather die than live through my entire life with my back turned against God. And this has only begun.....

I'm 23 years old. Fairly young, but I feel as though I've lived a thousand lives. I've been through a lot and just as I thought things were getting better, the world crumbles before my eyes. I'm not going to get into specifics, but one thing you should know is that I am not easily aggravated or hurt... unless I'm pushed to the extreme threshold of pain. And God, certainly has found my weak spot to be more than enjoyable. It seems like He takes pleasure in watching people suffer for the one purpose of somehow invariably directing our faith towards the skies.... and I've had just about enough. I don't want to parttake in any plans of His and I certainly do not wish to suffer for His 'great' cause.

I know ALL of the answers to which all of you will tell in vain. They have no meaning; just meaningless cliches, as so you should define your life by it. So, don't tell me the things that you'd want me to hear.

I just wanted to be happy..... is that SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
GOD????????

i know the feeling i lost my first fiance when i was 18 and i lost faith but now i have a wife and a new daughter i am glad god gave me the streangth to live without her and beings i waited i have recieved two gifts in return my wife and daughter

 

[a7x]

is there anything you'd like to talk about?

many things run through my mind, replaying my past in 8-bit timeframes, and thinking why God would ever want me in those situations and how they would come to conform me into the person He wants me to be...

and right now, I have no clue, but I do have this assurance.. that I am alive because of His mercy and for His grace, I want to show Him my thanks. But of course, this is the heart speaking. My mind, on the other hand, is formulating devious plans, plotting on the potential what-if's, and the what not's, and trying to rationalize whatever outcome may come from my insanity.

I am wondering if I could ever love again. I'm like a dog; aside from the notion that men are all 'dogs', I am referring to the loyalty that one can have for His master. Although I am not implying that my wife was my master, I loved her with all my heart... and I would feel guilty to ever love another woman again. Now, tell me this is NOT insane because.. this is not anything that would apply to a man's character. I see girls walking in my direction and saying 'Hi', but I simply ignore them, not out of spite, but simply because I have no interest in them.

anyhow, I feel so alone. No matter how many people comfort me with their quotes from the Bible and their good advice and life experiences, I feel like I'm the only one in this world.

 

[Kaylee4Christ]

i am really sorry for your loss. all i can say is........

Psalm 37:3Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.

Proverbs 3:5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

John 14:1Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

1 Corinthians 4:2Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.



God loves you and cares for you. everything happens for a reason, and though it may not seem clear at first, you need to put your faith in God. God will help you, God will care for you. God loves you.

Be blessed,
Kaylee

 

[Daughter of His]

Do you have any hobbies? Would you consider getting a pet?

I'm really glad you found this forum, it's here for you anytime with lots of friendly understanding people. I hope it will help you not to feel so lonely.

There is also a thread in relaxation under friendship, called "need encouragement", everyone there would be glad to pray for you if go over there. I know prayer changes things.

Still praying for you. I look foward to the day when you are smiling again !

 

[b*unique]

many things run through my mind, replaying my past in 8-bit timeframes, and thinking why God would ever want me in those situations and how they would come to conform me into the person He wants me to be...

i don't think God planned this for you at all,I think iot is just the fragality of life,what God will do,is get you through it,but it may not be the way you like.

and right now, I have no clue, but I do have this assurance.. that I am alive because of His mercy and for His grace, I want to show Him my thanks. But of course, this is the heart speaking. My mind, on the other hand, is formulating devious plans, plotting on the potential what-if's, and the what not's, and trying to rationalize whatever outcome may come from my insanity.

you are right,to synchronise mind with heart is dificult at best of times,
i see God as always here,and all we need to do is reach out,but what we're trying is to find him instead
it is so hard,and so scary,this life,i don't know where people would be without Him
i wish that you will manage this well,but if you have to be angry,and
if you have to rage,do so

I am wondering if I could ever love again. I'm like a dog; aside from the notion that men are all 'dogs', I am referring to the loyalty that one can have for His master. Although I am not implying that my wife was my master, I loved her with all my heart... and I would feel guilty to ever love another woman again. Now, tell me this is NOT insane because.. this is not anything that would apply to a man's character. I see girls walking in my direction and saying 'Hi', but I simply ignore them, not out of spite, but simply because I have no interest in them.

of course it is not insane
and i know how you feel about not being loyal
i feel like that every time my daughter calls her other grandma,i feel like someone stabs me right into my heart,because my mum is dead,and never will be grandma to my daughter
and that was her biggest wish-she lived to see her,but she never had the chance to talk and do things with her

so i can imagine how hard it must be for you to think of other love
it may be many years till you will get some peace
this is why i asked tribulation saint to talk to you,he has been there,at your age,and managed to move on

if you don't want to move on,you do not have to,manyways to live a good life

anyhow, I feel so alone. No matter how many people comfort me with their quotes from the Bible and their good advice and life experiences, I feel like I'm the only one in this world.

i agree with you,you are the only one in your world right now
and it's ok
dream,and be angry,do whatever you have to,let the grief out
go and sleep on her grave,like a dog,if that is what you want,but she is not there
that is just the body which betrayed her

come and talk again,tell me what you need to do,what you want to do,what you want to hear..and we can go from there