I want off this Ride...

[4givenme]

I feel like I am loosing hope in life right now, and believe it or not, I am at the tail end of a manic riiiiide. My poor boyfriend who I continue to break up with and cheat on during my "rides"...I realize my time with him is running out as I doubt he will take much more of this, but he is also the one keeping me safe and out of any serious trouble during.

I am also sure that once my remaining children have grown and moved out (youngest is 10) I will not take the meds that I so despise..hate them.

I am a Christian and am so sad after when I realize how I have hurt him and myself, but when your mind wants to DANCE and PLAY and FEEL and experience everything at once and when there is no reason to anything...its hard to stop Until you do stop..to a halt...I am just tired of all of this.

 

[tallyn75]

'fraid I'm right there with you. I tried to stay on my high with caffeine tablets yesterday and today. It's not working--I give. But I'm afraid of where I'm headed next. i can't go back to the hospital, my family can't take anymore of my downs and they don't know about my ups.

 

[4givenme]

Yup, thats right tallyn75, my family knows nothing of what I do when I am up either, I dont call anyone. When asked how I am, my famous word is "fine", how I hate that word. I hesitate to even see a Doctor as I have a professional job, how I keep it I wonder sometimes, but I worry my Doctor will change my meds and will need time off work for stabilization and my "secret" of having bipolar to those I work with will be exposed.

If I could be medium manic all the time I would be so happy..literally. Just my boyfriend worries I will get into some serious trouble some day.

 

[SinkingShip]

Mania and Hypomania is always tempting, but it can be just as destructive (or more so) than the worst depression. I've found the pursuit of normalcy to be of utmost importance. What goes up, will eventually come down. And just like Icarus, when you strive to go high, you just might find your wings melting off and a horrific "crash and burn" in your immediate future. Stability and normal moods, as boring as they sound, are so much more enjoyable in the long run.

Be safe.

 

[4givenme]

Alas, I have went to the hospital yesterday, only because I don't have a Psychiatrist at this time and under the condition that I will NOT stay there...all my wishes were granted, I am home and have been hooked up with the best Dr. in town because I went in.

I am defiantly coming down and realizing the dumb things I have done and how I have hurt those around me

My meds are being tweaked, and I am now just very exhausted. Thats how it goes right?

 

[SinkingShip]

Hopefully now it will start getting better.