I try and I try but it never works

[PureDose]

I want to be a believer. But I just can't. I try. People say you just have to accept Christ and mean it (there's usually a specific prayer that goes with it but I don't have it committed to memory). I've tried to accept Christ. I've said the words. I've gone to churches. I spent a handful of years in Catholic school as a kid/teen. I've read various things arguing in favor of Christianity. I've tried to change my own mind. But I don't feel it. I don't believe it.

The main thing "to do" is to "believe in the Son" and that means the Testimony of the Son, which are the Gospels. This other stuff is just dressing and can be entirely distracting.

Religion, as Jesus said in his testimony, very often ends up as a bunch of waving of hands and meaningless words.

The best I can do is think "I guess it's possible." I just feel like it's so unfair. It seems like everyone I know has "felt it" at least once and has that to lean on when they have doubts. But I never have. I feel completely alone. As my life gets worse and worse I wish I could believe that there was a point to it, or a greater meaning behind it, like I used to. And the kicker is that if hell is real, I'm going there despite my best efforts, because trying isn't enough! I get that life isn't fair. But it still bums me out. I am beginning to think that it goes along the lines of the notion of "God's chosen people." I don't have faith within myself and God doesn't seem to see fit to spot me a little. Fair enough. I guess I just feel like that if this God that supposedly exists really loves us all and wants us all to be saved, he'd give a little help when it's clear we can't do it on our own. I think maybe God just doesn't want me as one of "his children" in this way. I read the Bible and it's just a book. I hear other peoples' testimonies and think "that's great for them." I hear stories of what awaits sinners and nonbelievers and can only feel resignation. Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam.

I am hearing a lot of "what others say" and "what others are doing" and "what I think others experience".

That is all external and speculation.


Really, the teaching is one that we hold in our hearts. Yes, it is by grace and God choosing, which leaves us to the position of having to make decisions in our hearts. About what to believe and what not to believe, and whom to trust. Foremost on the "whom to trust" list is God. Then, comes the people you were speaking with.

If you are the point where you have a choice: to trust or not to trust, then it is up to you.

That comes down to the testimony of Jesus first and foremost, however.

Did Jesus tell the truth and are you willing to trust Jesus?


Trust can be hard. If you are being asked to trust someone and have doubts, then deal with those doubts. Express them. Keep an open mind.

 

[harvester77]

I believe but have my moments of praying and still worrying when I am told in the bible not to worry and let God take care of things. I am terrible for that and will keep praying and trying not to worry. I do trust God but my nature is to worry.

 

[unwantedbygod]

Thanks everyone for continuing to reply. I haven't been around much...not much is changing for me...but I'm trying not to give up hope.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Do you know what it IS that you believe?

I mean like what started everything-Creation, Big Bang etc.

Do you believe Jesus was a real person of History? If so what makes you think He was not who He said He was?

Who are your hero's?

Why do you think the human race exists?

Do you believe in an afterlife of anykind?

I pray that you do not lose hope and remember you are not the first person to doubt or have questions. Do continue to explore, my God is not afraid of your questions.

 

[unwantedbygod]

Most of my beliefs are along these lines:

I believe that ________ is the most likely explanation/reason/reality, but I also believe that my puny human brain cannot begin to comprehend the vastness of the universe and its workings, so I believe that there is a great chance that I might be wrong.

And the thing is, this is just how I feel about everything. When I was Catholic, when I was Pagan, now being agnostic...my feelings are always "I believe this, but I don't think I know enough to be sure." And to mix things up more, it tends to go

"I believe that OPTION X is the most likely, scientifically or logically. However, I *believe in* OPTION Y. Now, do I believe in OPTION Y because I genuinely in my heart believe it to be true, do I believe it because it's what I WANT to be true, or do I believe it because someone else told me it was true?"

When I was a kid, my physics/chem teacher told my mother than I was the only student in his class with a "true scientific mind." I'm not 100% what he meant by that, but it seemed to be along the lines of my enjoyment of critical thinking and questioning everything. (I was a horrible student, so what he said really meant a lot to me, even though I don't think he knew my parents would repeat it to me. It still does. Not because I think I'm smarter or better than anyone, but it was a time in my life when I felt like I wasn't good at anything. As a brief aside: when you have the chance to tell someone in honesty something good about themselves, do it. You just never know how much it might mean to them.)

I am not trying to say that religious people don't think or question or aren't smart; nor am I saying that science and spirituality shouldn't or can't co-exist (I believe exactly the opposite, in fact; I believe that knowledge of both things is strengthened by the study of the other). Just that my brain will never let me go "Oh, okay, this is what I believe" and let it be quiet.


Do I believe in an afterlife? I believe in the possibility. Scientific theory suggests to us that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, nothing ever really "dies." Is it a literal afterlife? An altered consciousness? Reincarnation? Merging with another part of the universe? Heck if I know! I also think it's also highly possible that consciousness disappears with the death of the brain. I believe in the existence of a soul, but I don't know what exactly a soul IS. Do we continue to exist as we are now? Is there some essence of us that remains after death? I believe so. But I also believe that I could easily be wrong.

How do I think the universe was created? Honestly, I think the most likely explanation is: entirely by accident. Yep. I think this giant rock we're on just happened to spin into orbit in a way that sustains life as we know it. But I am open to the notion of a creator deity. I do, however, 100% believe in evolution - whether created by chance or by divine wisdom (which makes plenty of sense to me honestly - WE are constantly changing our environment, so we are created to adapt to the changes WE make. That sounds more like "intelligent design" to me than the idea of "everything is as it always has been and always will be." I would think any deity with foresight would know that its creation would get up to this kind of crap and plan accordingly!)

Do I believe in the historical Jesus? Well, I have a close friend who's an archeologist and he feels strongly that there is no real evidence to support the historical Jesus. Obviously I'm not basing my entire belief system on this one guy, but as usual, the scientific community seems divided based on what they want to find. They want Jesus to have existed? There's proof for it. They want Jesus not to have existed? There's nothing.

Do I personally? Yes, I do. I believe that Jesus was a prophet, a great spiritual leader, and among the holiest of men. But I think he was metaphorically the "son of God," not literally. For that matter, what I've learned about Jesus leads me to think that he (I use the lowercase here because I am referring to him as a man rather than divine incarnate; no disrespect is intended) didn't really want legions of people looking to HIM as a savior; rather I believe that he was trying to get us to emulate him to obtain salvation by creating a paradise on Earth, perhaps one that could follow us to the afterlife (since it seems widely believed by many that our "baggage" from this life can follow us into the next). I believe that Jesus knew he would die because he would refuse to back down from his beliefs, but I don't believe that he was "sent to die;" I feel that he was sent to live and teach, and ultimately knew he would lay down his life to impart the knowledge that would better mankind. Jesus knew that acts of cruelty, greed and dishonesty would create suffering in the world, and the suffering that we create for others, we carry with us as well. We answer for it in this life and likely in the next.

Again, this is just my theory.

I don't really have any heroes. There are a lot of people (real and fictional) whom I believe to be admirable. And yeah, Jesus would be pretty high on the list (as would the Buddha).

 

[raven1]

I could of written this myself it is exactly how I feel in the original post. I don't want to go to hell

 

[unwantedbygod]

raven1, I tried to reply to your PM but I don't have enough posts in the forums yet...I'll reply once I can!

 

[hedrick]

It's quite possible for a rationalist to be a Christian. But it probably won't look the same as the average Christianity. I'm a lot like you. For some of us, it's not about religious feelings or being a "sunbeam." You say you've already made a commitment to God, or at least indicated a willingness to do so. I'm sorry, but you don't necessarily hear choirs of angels after you do that. You've already gotten a pretty clear sign, and that's more than most of us.

Have you tried spending time with Christians? Given what you've said about yourself, I'd suggest a liberal Episcopal church with a good local mission effort. Get involved in one or more of the projects. You don't have to be a Christian to do that. (I suggest Episcopal because there are Episcopal churches that combine a faith you could deal with and a traditional liturgy. However not every parish is the same.)

This is going to sound odd, but I think God may actually regard you as Christian already.

If you want to continue to explore the intellectual issues, feel free to do so. Not all historians have studied Jesus in detail, so they may not quite understand the state of the evidence. As far as I can tell, everyone who has looked at it seriously thinks he existed and that we know at least some basic things about him. The "Jesus myth" view is pretty uncommon, and looks to me like conspiracy theory. You might find Ehrman's recent book "Did Jesus Exist" useful. Ehrman is a well-known agnostic / atheist. I disagree with one aspect of the book, which is his belief that Jesus expected God to intervene in history in the near future. That was common among critical scholars 50 years ago. It's less common now, for good reason. But otherwise it's a useful, though probably overly skeptical, assessment of the evidence.

For a better example of how someone who believes in critical thought approaches Jesus you might find Marcus Borg useful. E.g. "Jesus: a New Vision."

But I'm not sure that this kind of intellectual approach is necessarily where you should go. I think some involvement with an open, caring Christian community would be the next step. Given your relationships, the kind of openness you need isn't universal, but there are plenty of accepting Christian communities out there. You're obviously going through some real difficulties in your life. You need someone you can talk with in person, not just electronically. A good pastor, and quite likely a therapist as well.

 

[Christian-Catholic]

Most of my beliefs are along these lines:

I believe that ________ is the most likely explanation/reason/reality, but I also believe that my puny human brain cannot begin to comprehend the vastness of the universe and its workings, so I believe that there is a great chance that I might be wrong.

And the thing is, this is just how I feel about everything. When I was Catholic, when I was Pagan, now being agnostic...my feelings are always "I believe this, but I don't think I know enough to be sure." And to mix things up more, it tends to go

"I believe that OPTION X is the most likely, scientifically or logically. However, I *believe in* OPTION Y. Now, do I believe in OPTION Y because I genuinely in my heart believe it to be true, do I believe it because it's what I WANT to be true, or do I believe it because someone else told me it was true?"

When I was a kid, my physics/chem teacher told my mother than I was the only student in his class with a "true scientific mind." I'm not 100% what he meant by that, but it seemed to be along the lines of my enjoyment of critical thinking and questioning everything. (I was a horrible student, so what he said really meant a lot to me, even though I don't think he knew my parents would repeat it to me. It still does. Not because I think I'm smarter or better than anyone, but it was a time in my life when I felt like I wasn't good at anything. As a brief aside: when you have the chance to tell someone in honesty something good about themselves, do it. You just never know how much it might mean to them.)

I am not trying to say that religious people don't think or question or aren't smart; nor am I saying that science and spirituality shouldn't or can't co-exist (I believe exactly the opposite, in fact; I believe that knowledge of both things is strengthened by the study of the other). Just that my brain will never let me go "Oh, okay, this is what I believe" and let it be quiet.


Do I believe in an afterlife? I believe in the possibility. Scientific theory suggests to us that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, nothing ever really "dies." Is it a literal afterlife? An altered consciousness? Reincarnation? Merging with another part of the universe? Heck if I know! I also think it's also highly possible that consciousness disappears with the death of the brain. I believe in the existence of a soul, but I don't know what exactly a soul IS. Do we continue to exist as we are now? Is there some essence of us that remains after death? I believe so. But I also believe that I could easily be wrong.

How do I think the universe was created? Honestly, I think the most likely explanation is: entirely by accident. Yep. I think this giant rock we're on just happened to spin into orbit in a way that sustains life as we know it. But I am open to the notion of a creator deity. I do, however, 100% believe in evolution - whether created by chance or by divine wisdom (which makes plenty of sense to me honestly - WE are constantly changing our environment, so we are created to adapt to the changes WE make. That sounds more like "intelligent design" to me than the idea of "everything is as it always has been and always will be." I would think any deity with foresight would know that its creation would get up to this kind of crap and plan accordingly!)

Do I believe in the historical Jesus? Well, I have a close friend who's an archeologist and he feels strongly that there is no real evidence to support the historical Jesus. Obviously I'm not basing my entire belief system on this one guy, but as usual, the scientific community seems divided based on what they want to find. They want Jesus to have existed? There's proof for it. They want Jesus not to have existed? There's nothing.

Do I personally? Yes, I do. I believe that Jesus was a prophet, a great spiritual leader, and among the holiest of men. But I think he was metaphorically the "son of God," not literally. For that matter, what I've learned about Jesus leads me to think that he (I use the lowercase here because I am referring to him as a man rather than divine incarnate; no disrespect is intended) didn't really want legions of people looking to HIM as a savior; rather I believe that he was trying to get us to emulate him to obtain salvation by creating a paradise on Earth, perhaps one that could follow us to the afterlife (since it seems widely believed by many that our "baggage" from this life can follow us into the next). I believe that Jesus knew he would die because he would refuse to back down from his beliefs, but I don't believe that he was "sent to die;" I feel that he was sent to live and teach, and ultimately knew he would lay down his life to impart the knowledge that would better mankind. Jesus knew that acts of cruelty, greed and dishonesty would create suffering in the world, and the suffering that we create for others, we carry with us as well. We answer for it in this life and likely in the next.

Again, this is just my theory.

I don't really have any heroes. There are a lot of people (real and fictional) whom I believe to be admirable. And yeah, Jesus would be pretty high on the list (as would the Buddha).

Have u truely researched the shroud of turin? This one could be right up your alley. It has converted people like Mark antonacci and August Acetta who were notable agnostics who converted to Christianity through their research of the shroud. In fact the Sturp team was heavily filled with a Good percentage of agnostics like Ray Rogers and others who made great contributions to shroud research. Just maybe the evidence on that shroud could convince you that Jesus was exactly who he claimed to be.

Just a thought

 

[unwantedbygod]

Thanks for the information, you have given me a lot of things to look into.

 

[justhappeneduponthis]

Your honesty is to be commended. The way in is not fear but rather a discovery of love. Try only the Gospel of Luke and perhaps in a very contemporary rendering (The Message by Eugene Peterson).

We don't learn our way into the Kingdom or sweat our way in. We make simple prayer requests and quietly await the arrival of the tide. And it will come to those who ask, in God's sovereign timing and to the best possible effect for more people than just the one petitioning.

It is more a matter of being captivated than of being convinced. The Apostle Paul said that he was "constrained" to think and to do the things he did in the Gospel (2 Corinthians 5). Now there was a heady Jew who had every reason to scoff at the Christian message, but God stepped in, and powerfully.

See the post entitled The Note in our blog herein.

Ask, seek, knock...OK?

 

[Christian-Catholic]

Thanks for the information, you have given me a lot of things to look into.

Your very welcome my friend

 

[Soverinth]

Your honesty is to be commended. The way in is not fear but rather a discovery of love. Try only the Gospel of Luke and perhaps in a very contemporary rendering (The Message by Eugene Peterson).

We don't learn our way into the Kingdom or sweat our way in. We make simple prayer requests and quietly await the arrival of the tide. And it will come to those who ask, in God's sovereign timing and to the best possible effect for more people than just the one petitioning.

It is more a matter of being captivated than of being convinced. The Apostle Paul said that he was "constrained" to think and to do the things he did in the Gospel (2 Corinthians 5). Now there was a heady Jew who had every reason to scoff at the Christian message, but God stepped in, and powerfully.

See the post entitled The Note in our blog herein.

Ask, seek, knock...OK?

Can you explain what you mean by simple prayer requests, because I have asked the Lord many times and I am guessing I'm just not ready because nothing has changed

 

[justhappeneduponthis]

About that Simple Praying...

You must use your ordinary language, the kind that goes out to regular friends. You must be specific. Oftentimes we have not because we ask amiss (James epistle).

John Wesley once said that God does not accomplish anything in the earth except in response to some believer's agreement and petition of faith. This even applied to Jesus in Gethsemane: "Nevertheless, Thy will be done." Redemption would not have come about in any other way. And so it will be with you.

Do not worry about whether you rank among "the elect". You part is to follow meekly and with a teachable spirit that path that pulls you with unstoppable force. The Holy Spirit draws and better explains all things concerning the Christ. It is most likely that He is now working on you.

No self-pity. No "I can't do this".

See the blog post entitled Relinquish Now:
Relinquish Now « justhappeneduponthis

 

[barryrob]

I want to be a believer. But I just can't. I try. People say you just have to accept Christ and mean it (there's usually a specific prayer that goes with it but I don't have it committed to memory). I've tried to accept Christ. I've said the words. I've gone to churches. I spent a handful of years in Catholic school as a kid/teen. I've read various things arguing in favor of Christianity. I've tried to change my own mind. But I don't feel it. I don't believe it. The best I can do is think "I guess it's possible." I just feel like it's so unfair. It seems like everyone I know has "felt it" at least once and has that to lean on when they have doubts. But I never have. I feel completely alone. As my life gets worse and worse I wish I could believe that there was a point to it, or a greater meaning behind it, like I used to. And the kicker is that if hell is real, I'm going there despite my best efforts, because trying isn't enough! I get that life isn't fair. But it still bums me out. I am beginning to think that it goes along the lines of the notion of "God's chosen people." I don't have faith within myself and God doesn't seem to see fit to spot me a little. Fair enough. I guess I just feel like that if this God that supposedly exists really loves us all and wants us all to be saved, he'd give a little help when it's clear we can't do it on our own. I think maybe God just doesn't want me as one of "his children" in this way. I read the Bible and it's just a book. I hear other peoples' testimonies and think "that's great for them." I hear stories of what awaits sinners and nonbelievers and can only feel resignation. Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam.

Jehovah's Christian Witnesses can help you if you ask them to using The Bible.

rob

 

[drich0150]

I want to be a believer. But I just can't. I try. People say you just have to accept Christ and mean it (there's usually a specific prayer that goes with it but I don't have it committed to memory). I've tried to accept Christ. I've said the words. I've gone to churches. I spent a handful of years in Catholic school as a kid/teen. I've read various things arguing in favor of Christianity. I've tried to change my own mind. But I don't feel it. I don't believe it. The best I can do is think "I guess it's possible." I just feel like it's so unfair. It seems like everyone I know has "felt it" at least once and has that to lean on when they have doubts. But I never have. I feel completely alone. As my life gets worse and worse I wish I could believe that there was a point to it, or a greater meaning behind it, like I used to. And the kicker is that if hell is real, I'm going there despite my best efforts, because trying isn't enough! I get that life isn't fair. But it still bums me out. I am beginning to think that it goes along the lines of the notion of "God's chosen people." I don't have faith within myself and God doesn't seem to see fit to spot me a little. Fair enough. I guess I just feel like that if this God that supposedly exists really loves us all and wants us all to be saved, he'd give a little help when it's clear we can't do it on our own. I think maybe God just doesn't want me as one of "his children" in this way. I read the Bible and it's just a book. I hear other peoples' testimonies and think "that's great for them." I hear stories of what awaits sinners and nonbelievers and can only feel resignation. Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam.

Christ Tells us in Luke 11 how to 'experience God' in the Parabel of the Persistant neighbor.

5 And He said to them, “Which of you shall have a friend, and go to him at midnight and say to him, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves; 6 for a friend of mine has come to me on his journey, and I have nothing to set before him’; 7 and he will answer from within and say, ‘Do not trouble me; the door is now shut, and my children are with me in bed; I cannot rise and give to you’? 8 I say to you, though he will not rise and give to him because he is his friend, yet because of his persistence he will rise and give him as many as he needs.9 “So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 11 If a son asks for bread[d] from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? 12 Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? 13 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!”

Did you see the promise? At the End He tells us we are to Ask Seek and knock (A/S/K) for the gift of the Holy Spirit. This is where a literal part of God comes to indewell you. With this personage of God with in you you will experience (albeit it may not be the same as your friends, you will experience being with God) What usally takes place first is God will show you some sort of un repentant sin in your life and it will be up to you to 'fix it/repent of it.' for this sin(s) will be what is keeping you from God. Once you do this you will be given a spall portion of the Holy Spirit and if you are faithful (as in the servents of the parable of the talents in Mat 25 luke 19) you will be given a larger portion, and so it will go till you reach the limits of your capasity to live, love, and understand.

 

[Harry3142]

UnwantedByGod-

There have been people, including even ultra-liberal theologians, who have attempted to portray Jesus in the same light as you have. However, Scripture itself is clear that we are to accept him as quite literally the Son of God.

As well, Scripture itself has evidence supporting its having been completed during the lifetime of those who were eyewitnesses to the events surrounding Jesus' sojourn among us. One piece of evidence for this early dating is The Muratorian Fragment, which you can read here:

www.bible-researcher.com/muratorian.html

This fragment, itself dated to 170 AD, states that Acts was already completed prior to St. Paul's being released from his first imprisonment and going to Spain. Since we know that he was executed in 64 AD as part of Nero's persecution of the Christians, This dates the completion of Acts to no later than 62 AD. And Acts was originally the appendix to The Gospel of St. Luke, written as the third synoptic gospel, Matthew and Mark's being the gospels which preceded it. So all three of the synoptic gospels were already completed well within the lifetime of those who had actually known Jesus Christ.

Also, scholars literate in both Greek and Hebrew have studied New Testament Scripture, and have come to the conclusion that it was written very soon after the events took place. You can read their conclusions here:

www.christiancadre.org/topics/dating_nt.html

And what does this mean to us? It means that the necessary gap of three generations had not taken place between the events of Jesus' life and their being written down. Instead, the Scriptures had been written so soon following Jesus' death, resurrection and ascension that their authors would have been exposed immediately if they hadn't recorded accurately what had taken place.

In order to understand what we mean by 'faith' when we Christians refer to it, you need to see it not as an emotion, but rather as a decision. One way of comprehending it is to see this same decision in use when confronted with public transportation, such as a taxi, bus, train, or plane. Most of us think nothing of using these conveyances, even though we do not know who is at their controls. What we have done, in effect, is to put our trust in their ability to safely get us from where we are now to where we intend to arrive. This is called 'faith' and is actually a conscious decision on our part, rather than its being an outgrowth of blind emotionalism. And this decision is very similar to the decision that we put in Jesus' atoning sacrifice as the means of our attaining eternal life.

 

[gypsygirl]

I want to be a believer. But I just can't. I try. People say you just have to accept Christ and mean it (there's usually a specific prayer that goes with it but I don't have it committed to memory). I've tried to accept Christ. I've said the words. I've gone to churches. I spent a handful of years in Catholic school as a kid/teen. I've read various things arguing in favor of Christianity. I've tried to change my own mind. But I don't feel it. I don't believe it. The best I can do is think "I guess it's possible." I just feel like it's so unfair. It seems like everyone I know has "felt it" at least once and has that to lean on when they have doubts. But I never have.

Dear Wanted By God
In John 6:65, Jesus said to His disciples "No one can come to me unless the Father has ENABLED him." In other words, only by inviting God to soften your heart and by allowing Him into your seeking process will true salvation occur. This point is reiterated in Romans 8:6, which reminds us that the "sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law nor can it do so" except with the aid of God's Spirit working in a person's heart and mind.

Salvation is not based on a "feeling" per se, but rather an assurance in the knowledge of knowing that you are justified before Him. Often a spouse will have days wherein they don't particularly "feel" loving toward their partner but that doesn't alter the legally binding commitment that have toward each other. Feelings are fickle.

BTW, salvation doesn't come from uttering some type of "sinner's prayer" as there is no such formality in the New Testament. Salvation is based on simple confession of one's sinful state before God and accepting that Christ died and was resurrected to justify you before a Holy God.

 

[tbogunro]

I want to be a believer. But I just can't. I try. People say you just have to accept Christ and mean it (there's usually a specific prayer that goes with it but I don't have it committed to memory). I've tried to accept Christ. I've said the words. I've gone to churches. I spent a handful of years in Catholic school as a kid/teen. I've read various things arguing in favor of Christianity. I've tried to change my own mind. But I don't feel it. I don't believe it. The best I can do is think "I guess it's possible." I just feel like it's so unfair. It seems like everyone I know has "felt it" at least once and has that to lean on when they have doubts. But I never have. I feel completely alone. As my life gets worse and worse I wish I could believe that there was a point to it, or a greater meaning behind it, like I used to. And the kicker is that if hell is real, I'm going there despite my best efforts, because trying isn't enough! I get that life isn't fair. But it still bums me out. I am beginning to think that it goes along the lines of the notion of "God's chosen people." I don't have faith within myself and God doesn't seem to see fit to spot me a little. Fair enough. I guess I just feel like that if this God that supposedly exists really loves us all and wants us all to be saved, he'd give a little help when it's clear we can't do it on our own. I think maybe God just doesn't want me as one of "his children" in this way. I read the Bible and it's just a book. I hear other peoples' testimonies and think "that's great for them." I hear stories of what awaits sinners and nonbelievers and can only feel resignation. Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam.

You're problem is the letter "I". It's not about you but about Jesus. It has nothing to do with how you feel or think, and especially your intellect. It's not a religion but a RELATIONSHIP! Stop thinking you're doing anything wrong or not trying hard enough. God has made it so simple to know Him, that He says those like children will enter the Kingdom. Be like a child and just ASK God to be more real to you. Tell Him you can't understand, then leave it alone and go about your life. God doesn't need you to burden yourself lol. So after you ask, live life, and I know God will show Himself in a way that you'll will understand.