- Feb 17, 2019
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Okay so this is my first post on this website and have a lot to say because I feel I need guidance. For a few years I believed in god but wasn't aware of the bible and nature of sin so I believed that if I was a good man in life I could go to heaven. Then about two years ago I stumbled across a YouTube video of one man's testimony of his conversion to Christianity from Islam. In the video the man illustrated the reality of sin which resulted in death and eternal separation from god in hell. This terrified my heart deeply and I was unable to think properly, sleep or relax at all for a few days. I knew from then on that at sometime in my life I would have to become a christian to go to haven. But I was/am to worldly, I kept thinking about my future and time in this life that I rejected god's gift of salvation, I was too scared to read the bible because I didn't want to hear about hell and was too scared to pray for salvation in case for what ever reason it wouldn't work, or I wouldn't say the right thing and get discouraged. Every time someone mentioned god or the bible it gave me anxiety. Also during this time I remembered when I was a kid I cursed god at a summer camp and heard about the unforgivable sin "blasphemy against the holy ghost" and since god is the father/son/holy ghost I was terrified to the core that I'd committed this sin, so that if I tried to repent it wouldn't work. Although I still wanted to give repentance a try so I first set a date of 23rd september 2018 to prepare, then I delayed until November, then delayed again until christmas eve when I finally had the courage to research the "unforgivable sin" because I was still scared that I'd committed it when I cursed god as a kid. I came across a YouTube video on the subject by an american pastor called Charles lawson:
This video in one sense relived me that what I said when I was a kid at summer camp was not unforgivable but what I had been doing the past year and a half by rejecting god was! That night I prayed to give my life to jesus and went to bed feeling relived. The next morning however I was riddled with anxiety and fear and spent a lot of the day praying to be saved just to confirm that I was. Ever since then I could feel my heart becoming more hardened over time and even though I pray twice day and read the bible, I'm so easily discouraged and feeling hopeless. The worst part is I really don't feel I care much and I hate it. I hate the way my heart is and would like nothing more to wake up one day and be truly praising and loving god from the bottom of my heart and to really feeling that joy and peace of his love and know I'm going to heaven. I don't know if I'm a lost cause at this point, I don't want to give up but every time I pray my heart is to hardened and callous I can't focus. I know this is my fault for rejecting god, but I don't know what else to do.
This video in one sense relived me that what I said when I was a kid at summer camp was not unforgivable but what I had been doing the past year and a half by rejecting god was! That night I prayed to give my life to jesus and went to bed feeling relived. The next morning however I was riddled with anxiety and fear and spent a lot of the day praying to be saved just to confirm that I was. Ever since then I could feel my heart becoming more hardened over time and even though I pray twice day and read the bible, I'm so easily discouraged and feeling hopeless. The worst part is I really don't feel I care much and I hate it. I hate the way my heart is and would like nothing more to wake up one day and be truly praising and loving god from the bottom of my heart and to really feeling that joy and peace of his love and know I'm going to heaven. I don't know if I'm a lost cause at this point, I don't want to give up but every time I pray my heart is to hardened and callous I can't focus. I know this is my fault for rejecting god, but I don't know what else to do.