- Oct 11, 2021
- 6
- 11
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
I wish that wasn't the case, but I sort of did and if there's anytime to ask for Christian input it is now. Thank you for reading my very long post (sorry), whoever you are. <3
Short background. We've been married a little longer than 8 years and from my perspective, the roller coaster started as soon as we got married which we did after nearly four months of dating. We both have a past and we were older when we got married. I come from a broken, quasi Christian home and my husband comes from a broken communist/socialist/feminist home. He became a Christian a few years before we met and I had decided to take my faith seriously a couple of years before we met. And so, we fell madly in love and got married during our honeymoon phase and then we got to know each other as time went on...
Besides being manly, ruggedly handsome and Christian, he courted me intensively and with intent. He is an extraverted extrovert and wants to spend most of his time with me. He can make me laugh like no one else and he enjoys listening to how my days have been and about what my colleagues or friends are up to/how they live their lives. We enjoy dancing together at home every now and again, we read books out loud for each other, watch movies, go for walks hand in hand, travel and he rarely, if ever, rejects me. We sometimes pray together and go to church. So... how in the world can I give my seemingly perfect husband an ultimatum, being a Christian and all?
While we really do have good times together and actually really enjoy each other's company, I have come to a point where I now can verbalise that I don't trust him. Well, in some respects I do, but in too many I don't. I don't trust his love for me and sometimes I'm not sure of who he is. There have been so many tough and confusing conflicts throughout the years, that I become confused as to what's going on. He is not keen on my story about us, as he says, and he wants me to change it. I'd love to change it and I feel guilty just writing in this forum, like I'm betraying him. But I can't change my story. Not yet. I do hope to be able to change my story, though. So what is my story aside from all that is good?
He has a temper. He doesn't hit me and I don't think he ever would, but he does go at me hard. He is a very sensitive person and when I question him, look at him in a questioning manner or have a tone, he will work up an emotional reaction that will erupt sooner or later. When it does he will go at me, call me names, turn the story around, use my words as his own, interrupt me at my every effort to defend myself. Unfortunately I do not manage well being constantly cut off for hours on end, so I will snap and get back at him which of course works against me because he will walk away as he thinks I am too emotional. If I ever bring to his attention that I was hurt by something that was said, he will get really upset with me and say that I hurt him by saying that I was hurt. If I don't agree with a political thought or any disagrement for that matter, he will get really provoked and start calling me a feminist and start an argument that may last for day. If I ask him to not talk about the devil or push too hard with people who prefer not to talk about God, the night is ruined and when I want to have a say in what kind of car we buy with our money he will go on and on about me having control issues. If I say I think a towel is dry when he thinks it's damp he will go off on me about not agreeing with him and so it goes. Throughout the years, he has yelled at me, made me cry more times than I remember and sometimes mock me for crying. In the beginning, he would come up against me and put his face close to my face and hit his hand in the wall. Once he pushed and held me down on the couch, but I don't remember why. While he praises me and puts me on a pedestal, which he does (too much), he also does the opposite and I can't work out what's going on. Or maybe I can. I'm just not sure I want to.
When it comes to politics there are things we agree on and things we don't and one of our problems is that we express ourselves differently and I don't approve of how he expresses himself and some of his views. He knows this and even when I try to be diplomatic about my disapproval, it is still a disapproval and that will set him off. Perhaps a natural reaction for him since he has a fear of rejection (disorganized attachment). I just don't know though how to start approving contempt and bigotry in order to appease him. I am not the perfect partner. I am critical to quite a few of the things he says and I find it hard to hold my piece when he says outrageous things that also makes for awkward social situations. Sometimes my fears have been just that though - my fears. There are times when he has fantastic conversations about faith and what God has done in his life and I'm really pleased about that. But my fear of awkward moments trigger him and usually lead to an argument. Sometimes we have situations with friends and/or family that ends with people getting really angry with him and walking out and the conflicts are actually severing relationships.
I do try, or I have tried for the past 8 years to appease him when it comes to intimacy which he says will calm him and make him feel both loved by me and also satisfied by the cranial click that sort of resets him. But it doesn't calm him. The first few years I appeased him (well, not just appeasment to be fair) most days of the week and then after four years or so, we agreed on (he hesitantly) an intimacy schedule of 2-4 times per week up until this summer when I said I also wanted to appease myself even if that would mean less some weeks. This in order for me to bloom and for our intimacy to increase. Thing is, after day 2 there is a slight change in his behaviour and from day 3 everything slowly goes south and I end up on those not so lovely egg shells. He stops interacting with me. He doesn't look at me, talk to me much, is cold and distant until I bend and we are close again or until we have a fight. When arguing he will tell me that my body is his body and that according to the Bible a woman should love her husband and meet his demands. I do after all come from his rib and God created woman for man as it is not good for the man to be alone. Also, there should only be a short pause of intimacy for prayer. So he tells me I'm not a good Christian woman (I've stooped and said the same to him) and that my desire is less important than his based on the fact that he is a man and also the one who gives. And I, as a woman, am the receiver. He also does not accept a no to intimacy unless I'm ill, in pain or for some other reason restricted. Not being in the mood is not a valid reason and he simply doesn't understand that. I should meet his needs, just like he will meet my needs with keeping it somewhat tidy in kitchen. He won't force intimacy, but he will stop interacting normally with me for days on end. Not as a punishment, he says, it's just how he deals with being rejected. Cuddles as substitute will not do.
So I have initiated Christian counselling. Again. Like the first time, he didn't want to continue seeing our first therapist, but he decided to meet with a male pastor whom my friend recommended. Now we have just started couples' therapy with the pastor and his wife. Only tricky part now is that he wants me to change my narrative about us and he prefers that I don't talk about the past. He won't muzzle me, I think. At least he never has - he believes in talking openly about everything. I'm the one who is more selective with what I say and to whom. It's just that he does not want me to focus on the past which I understand because our way of handling conflicts does not paint a pretty picture. And he keeps saying that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and does not share my view of the relationship. But not talking about the past seems impossible as I see patterns that needs to be dealt with in order to move forward. As for the first therapist, she is a woman. He struggles with strong women (yet is attracted to the ones with integrity which he equates with strength) and a few times he has said he doesn't think women should have the right to vote. I can simply not even get into that with him since I'm not sure how to deal with it. I think he is playing me saying that, but then I realise he might not be. As for women in church, he does not believe women should preach/lead and I would be ok with his way of interpreting the Bible, but would love to look into the Bible together to understand God's Word deeper. Not in order to change his mind, in order to see what God actually says. So I asked him if we could go to Bible study together or go deeper with someone who has walked a long and stable life with Jesus and who is also older than us. I asked him if he could chose someone he looks up to and initiate contact, to which he said there is no one he looks up to. No one. He knows the Bible and also, women and men should not study, or are not ment to study the Bible together since it is written differently for women and men. So no, he would not go with me to anyone to dwelve deeper into God's word even if our marriage depended on it. That's when I looked at him and said "this is almost a deal breaker for me." Later that night, a week ago, he said he would go with me since I was "holding a gun to his head" but I have yet to see action.
There's more I can write, but I have to stop before it gets too lengthy. I'm confused though. My husband is so eloquent, clear sighted and loving at times, only to say the craziest things, be really needy, mean/hard with little sight of fruit other times. I don't know how to handle the thought of living in this roller coaster with nocturnal panic attacs every now and again for the rest of my life. I also turn into someone I never was before and it's not what I want or expect from myself. I can't put that on him, but I can see that our fantastic moments together do not weigh up the destructiveness of our relationship. What do I do? Pray that things will change? How long do I wait for change? What is too much emotional distress? Is this emotional abuse? Is emotional abuse cause for divorce? Separation? I don't even know if I - the independent woman - can manage to leave him. He's been left before and that devastated him and this year he has, when in affect, twice said he's so fed up that he'll go drown himself/hang himself. Not that I think he would, but it still puts this tiny little worry in the back of my head. What if he would? Up and down we go - life is like a merry-go-round.
/Femelle
Short background. We've been married a little longer than 8 years and from my perspective, the roller coaster started as soon as we got married which we did after nearly four months of dating. We both have a past and we were older when we got married. I come from a broken, quasi Christian home and my husband comes from a broken communist/socialist/feminist home. He became a Christian a few years before we met and I had decided to take my faith seriously a couple of years before we met. And so, we fell madly in love and got married during our honeymoon phase and then we got to know each other as time went on...
Besides being manly, ruggedly handsome and Christian, he courted me intensively and with intent. He is an extraverted extrovert and wants to spend most of his time with me. He can make me laugh like no one else and he enjoys listening to how my days have been and about what my colleagues or friends are up to/how they live their lives. We enjoy dancing together at home every now and again, we read books out loud for each other, watch movies, go for walks hand in hand, travel and he rarely, if ever, rejects me. We sometimes pray together and go to church. So... how in the world can I give my seemingly perfect husband an ultimatum, being a Christian and all?
While we really do have good times together and actually really enjoy each other's company, I have come to a point where I now can verbalise that I don't trust him. Well, in some respects I do, but in too many I don't. I don't trust his love for me and sometimes I'm not sure of who he is. There have been so many tough and confusing conflicts throughout the years, that I become confused as to what's going on. He is not keen on my story about us, as he says, and he wants me to change it. I'd love to change it and I feel guilty just writing in this forum, like I'm betraying him. But I can't change my story. Not yet. I do hope to be able to change my story, though. So what is my story aside from all that is good?
He has a temper. He doesn't hit me and I don't think he ever would, but he does go at me hard. He is a very sensitive person and when I question him, look at him in a questioning manner or have a tone, he will work up an emotional reaction that will erupt sooner or later. When it does he will go at me, call me names, turn the story around, use my words as his own, interrupt me at my every effort to defend myself. Unfortunately I do not manage well being constantly cut off for hours on end, so I will snap and get back at him which of course works against me because he will walk away as he thinks I am too emotional. If I ever bring to his attention that I was hurt by something that was said, he will get really upset with me and say that I hurt him by saying that I was hurt. If I don't agree with a political thought or any disagrement for that matter, he will get really provoked and start calling me a feminist and start an argument that may last for day. If I ask him to not talk about the devil or push too hard with people who prefer not to talk about God, the night is ruined and when I want to have a say in what kind of car we buy with our money he will go on and on about me having control issues. If I say I think a towel is dry when he thinks it's damp he will go off on me about not agreeing with him and so it goes. Throughout the years, he has yelled at me, made me cry more times than I remember and sometimes mock me for crying. In the beginning, he would come up against me and put his face close to my face and hit his hand in the wall. Once he pushed and held me down on the couch, but I don't remember why. While he praises me and puts me on a pedestal, which he does (too much), he also does the opposite and I can't work out what's going on. Or maybe I can. I'm just not sure I want to.
When it comes to politics there are things we agree on and things we don't and one of our problems is that we express ourselves differently and I don't approve of how he expresses himself and some of his views. He knows this and even when I try to be diplomatic about my disapproval, it is still a disapproval and that will set him off. Perhaps a natural reaction for him since he has a fear of rejection (disorganized attachment). I just don't know though how to start approving contempt and bigotry in order to appease him. I am not the perfect partner. I am critical to quite a few of the things he says and I find it hard to hold my piece when he says outrageous things that also makes for awkward social situations. Sometimes my fears have been just that though - my fears. There are times when he has fantastic conversations about faith and what God has done in his life and I'm really pleased about that. But my fear of awkward moments trigger him and usually lead to an argument. Sometimes we have situations with friends and/or family that ends with people getting really angry with him and walking out and the conflicts are actually severing relationships.
I do try, or I have tried for the past 8 years to appease him when it comes to intimacy which he says will calm him and make him feel both loved by me and also satisfied by the cranial click that sort of resets him. But it doesn't calm him. The first few years I appeased him (well, not just appeasment to be fair) most days of the week and then after four years or so, we agreed on (he hesitantly) an intimacy schedule of 2-4 times per week up until this summer when I said I also wanted to appease myself even if that would mean less some weeks. This in order for me to bloom and for our intimacy to increase. Thing is, after day 2 there is a slight change in his behaviour and from day 3 everything slowly goes south and I end up on those not so lovely egg shells. He stops interacting with me. He doesn't look at me, talk to me much, is cold and distant until I bend and we are close again or until we have a fight. When arguing he will tell me that my body is his body and that according to the Bible a woman should love her husband and meet his demands. I do after all come from his rib and God created woman for man as it is not good for the man to be alone. Also, there should only be a short pause of intimacy for prayer. So he tells me I'm not a good Christian woman (I've stooped and said the same to him) and that my desire is less important than his based on the fact that he is a man and also the one who gives. And I, as a woman, am the receiver. He also does not accept a no to intimacy unless I'm ill, in pain or for some other reason restricted. Not being in the mood is not a valid reason and he simply doesn't understand that. I should meet his needs, just like he will meet my needs with keeping it somewhat tidy in kitchen. He won't force intimacy, but he will stop interacting normally with me for days on end. Not as a punishment, he says, it's just how he deals with being rejected. Cuddles as substitute will not do.
So I have initiated Christian counselling. Again. Like the first time, he didn't want to continue seeing our first therapist, but he decided to meet with a male pastor whom my friend recommended. Now we have just started couples' therapy with the pastor and his wife. Only tricky part now is that he wants me to change my narrative about us and he prefers that I don't talk about the past. He won't muzzle me, I think. At least he never has - he believes in talking openly about everything. I'm the one who is more selective with what I say and to whom. It's just that he does not want me to focus on the past which I understand because our way of handling conflicts does not paint a pretty picture. And he keeps saying that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and does not share my view of the relationship. But not talking about the past seems impossible as I see patterns that needs to be dealt with in order to move forward. As for the first therapist, she is a woman. He struggles with strong women (yet is attracted to the ones with integrity which he equates with strength) and a few times he has said he doesn't think women should have the right to vote. I can simply not even get into that with him since I'm not sure how to deal with it. I think he is playing me saying that, but then I realise he might not be. As for women in church, he does not believe women should preach/lead and I would be ok with his way of interpreting the Bible, but would love to look into the Bible together to understand God's Word deeper. Not in order to change his mind, in order to see what God actually says. So I asked him if we could go to Bible study together or go deeper with someone who has walked a long and stable life with Jesus and who is also older than us. I asked him if he could chose someone he looks up to and initiate contact, to which he said there is no one he looks up to. No one. He knows the Bible and also, women and men should not study, or are not ment to study the Bible together since it is written differently for women and men. So no, he would not go with me to anyone to dwelve deeper into God's word even if our marriage depended on it. That's when I looked at him and said "this is almost a deal breaker for me." Later that night, a week ago, he said he would go with me since I was "holding a gun to his head" but I have yet to see action.
There's more I can write, but I have to stop before it gets too lengthy. I'm confused though. My husband is so eloquent, clear sighted and loving at times, only to say the craziest things, be really needy, mean/hard with little sight of fruit other times. I don't know how to handle the thought of living in this roller coaster with nocturnal panic attacs every now and again for the rest of my life. I also turn into someone I never was before and it's not what I want or expect from myself. I can't put that on him, but I can see that our fantastic moments together do not weigh up the destructiveness of our relationship. What do I do? Pray that things will change? How long do I wait for change? What is too much emotional distress? Is this emotional abuse? Is emotional abuse cause for divorce? Separation? I don't even know if I - the independent woman - can manage to leave him. He's been left before and that devastated him and this year he has, when in affect, twice said he's so fed up that he'll go drown himself/hang himself. Not that I think he would, but it still puts this tiny little worry in the back of my head. What if he would? Up and down we go - life is like a merry-go-round.
/Femelle
