I have been going to an AWESOME new church where my 21-year-old son was radically saved -- now going into ministry. Anyway, it is a REAL church where people are free to be them. But, I feel condemned when the pastor preaches because I am always so depressed that I just can't stop condemning myself -- I still believe depression is all my fault. So, I sent him an e-mail -- I had to let the pastor know my struggles -- kind of a test to see if he believed in mental illness -- if I would be accepted there as a consecrated believer totally sold out to God -- even though my mind doesn't compute with that. Now I have so much anxiety over this -- I can hardly stand it -- my skin is crawling. I put in there my racing thoughts so that he could see how I feel. God has done some miraculous things in this church -- maybe I was hoping he would see my pain and reach out to me. I'm afraid if I get healed I will never know if it really was all my fault OR if I truly was sick. Will it be deliverance from demonic possession or true healing. Did I waste my entire life being depressed because I wasn't sold out enough? Oh I don't know -- I just can't wrap my mind around my constant raging and racing thoughts about this whole issue. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting my illness! Diagnosed 10 years ago -- symptomatic since early 20s -- I'm 53 now! Go figure! Thanks for listening!
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I think I did something stupid
- Thread starter fireaboss
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LostnFound
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- Nov 21, 2004
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Are you taking medication? You sound very much like I think when I am not on my meds. You have a neurological disorder. This is a physical impairment that creates a mental illness!!!
I understand needing to know where your pastor stands on the issue, however, it isn't fair to him to elevate him to the level of needing some sort of validation. FIRST..you need to be on meds. SECOND...You need to have a heart to heart with your pastor, AFTER you are stable!
I understand needing to know where your pastor stands on the issue, however, it isn't fair to him to elevate him to the level of needing some sort of validation. FIRST..you need to be on meds. SECOND...You need to have a heart to heart with your pastor, AFTER you are stable!
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I got an e-mail back from my pastor. He was wonderful -- he said "Thanks for the "reveal." I felt so utterly stupid and still do -- however, he said that should I choose to get involved in that church with a level with which I am comfortable, that I would find many caring and loving people. He didn't run scared -- but I am so darn embarassed now. As far as being on medication -- I had to go off for lack of money. I'm slowly getting back on. For someone who puts out a "together" persona out there -- I sure do stupid things in private. LOL
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Laurel Crowned
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fireaboss said:
Fireaboss,
I'm so happy that the pastor's email was affirming. FYI: I don't think you did anything stupid either. You had questions, concerns, and fears. You emailed them to the pastor. He answered. If you hadn't voiced those fears and let them chase you away from what sounds like might be a good church to check out... now, THAT, would have been stupid.
Keep us posted on how things turn out with that church.
Peace be with you,
LC
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Hell or heaven is a state of mind, the real miracle comes from the inside, not by looking at miracles on the outside.
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